Feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated...

livnlite

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?

Better than the alternative.

Jeff92se

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?

Better than the alternative.

Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?

KariQuiteContrary

It's been said and re-said on this board already......but I'll say it again. You need to take a good long look at the lifetime commitment you're signing up for and whether this is the best thing for you or your children. I should know. I tried to make life with a verbally abusive man-child work for nearly 5 year, working 2 or sometimes 3 jobs, putting myself through college, and taking care of first one and then two children with little or no emotional, physical, or financial (yep that's right financial) support from him. Just because a man doesn't lay a hand on you doesn't mean that what he's doing isn't damaging you to your very core. I got smart and left, eventually. But it took seeing myself through someone else's eyes to truly realize how miserable I was.

As another poster mentioned, read what you wrote as if it had been your daughter writing it and think of the advice you would give to her. No one deserves to be treated like a doormat and housemaid.

beccyleigh

cut your workload by 1/3 by getting rid of the child you are calling a fiance. You seem to be living like a single parent for the most part so why not make it official, at least then you will only have your kids & yourself to deal with.

What exactly does this "man" provide in your life? If the answer is nothing more than a **** load of work & money then you need to cut him loose & apply for government assistance.

This is going to sound really *****y but is only intended as an internet kick up the bum & meant in the kindest way possible but...have you always been this much of a doormat or has being with this "man" made you one?

livnlite

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?

Better than the alternative.

Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?

I believe I suggested to try to work it out in an earlier post .. In case you hadn't read it ..

"If you want change .. then make it happen. Your finance needs to learn that you are not his mother...you are his 'partner'. Emphasis on PARTNER. As long as you enable him, he will act like this. Like any so called 'mother' .. you have to wein him...and in this case ... abruptly! Feeling run down and over stimulated with frustration will take it's toll .. on you and your ability to handle life on a day to day basis, not to mention your family. You need to remedy this!

Start by, standing up for yourself. He sounds like he has honed his skills on manipulation by controlling his environment and have you 'mother' him. HE will not grow up, until you give him the kick in the butt he so obviously requires. He needs to see that although he deserves to be loved and appreciated, he needs to reciprocate. Although he may be the one who works outside the home to bring in money, you work at making your family home such that it is.

If he is not 'man' enough to see that he is not helping but hindering your family home life, then perhaps it's time for a rude awakening.

Rest assured, this is not an unusual scenario .. you are not alone in your frustration. If you plan on continuing your life with this man, you have to stand back and taking inventory on what he 'brings to the table'... and so does he.

Good Luck! "

I never suggested to JUST leave. Leaving is and always should be a 'last resort'. If you can't work it out .. and if things don't improve .. when 'staying' is worse than 'leaving' .. You have to choose logic over the emotional roller coaster .. for the sake of those kids.

Staying in a nasty and abusive relationship is always worse than the alternative. Sometimes, by removing the drama, the 'abusive' parent can become less 'abusive' because they are less unhappy. Sometimes it works out better for all involved. Then again, sometimes, an abusive parent is nothing more than 'an abusive parent'. There are legal ways to remedy visitation issues. It's never easy .. it's never trouble free .. It's just the ramifications of getting involved with and bringing children into an abusive relationship. Each scenario is unique .. so is the remedy.

CaptainGordo

Perhaps you should see a doctor.

odusgolp

I'm going to play devil's advocate.... It's entirely possible he has a different take on your relationship and sees this in a completely different light. Nor, does anyone on a message board have insight into the intricacies of your relationship. In my opinion, any advice should be taken with a grain of salt.

You may be very well served by several things in order to keep your family together and alleviate some of the problems... Counseling. Each of you keep a list of precisely what you do for the day - people often misjudge. Learn to "talk" instead of argue... It can be done.

I am a fan of venting to strangers, so if it's mere venting, have at it. I am not a fan of throwing in the towel b/c you two are having a rough time. Unless you've tried all the potential avenues to fix the relationship, then by all means... cut and run. I'm divorced, so I'm not opposed... *LOL*

KariQuiteContrary

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?

Better than the alternative.

Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?

First, you don't know what the visitation situation would be so don't jump that gun. Second, so you're saying she should sacrifice her self worth, mental health, and potentially the emotional health and well being of her children because of the POTENTIAL that her children will be subjected to the father alone for visitation? If the concern for their well being was that great then she can request limited or supervised only visitation. Problem solved. I am firmly against "staying for the kids" and this argument takes the cake on that front. Subjecting a human being to a continuous stream of mental and emotional abuse and strain is not a matter to be so flippant about.

PlanetVelma

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?

Better than the alternative.

Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?

You are speculating about visitation when the OP hasn't indicated if she intends on talking it out or leaving.

There are steps a parent can take to limit or have visitation supervised. It's just a matter of jumping through the appropriate hoops. In saying that, each situation is different. The scenario you are painting sounds like more of a Joint Custody set up. Many people that I know have "every other weekend".

And who knows if he's THAT lazy, he may forego any type of visitation.

Jeff92se

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?

Better than the alternative.

Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?

You are speculating about visitation when the OP hasn't indicated if she intends on talking it out or leaving.

There are steps a parent can take to limit or have visitation supervised. It's just a matter of jumping through the appropriate hoops. In saying that, each situation is different. The scenario you are painting sounds like more of a Joint Custody set up. Many people that I know have "every other weekend".

And who knows if he's THAT lazy, he may forego any type of visitation.

That's alot of assumptions to have given the "advice" that I'm seeing here. Unless it's proven that he's not fit to take care of the kids, he'll get around 50%(joint custody). Now, instead of two (or 1.5 incomes) supporting one household, you have that same income supporting two households.

Finanical reality and knee jerk reactions (IMHO) should be seperate.

KimmieBrie

[

For those of you that are suggesting she leave, detail how she would support the kids on 3 days work per week (even with child support) and how would visitation work? She'd have to leave the kids with him to take care of alone.

Well first we don't know the details... are they all/any his children? Does she have family/friends nearby? She's young... maybe her parents could help if they are available.

The 1st decision would be ending the relationship - if she decides to do that then obviously there are many many considerations, and it may be difficult, but not impossible. Leaving is always an option - it can be done. To say it is not possible is condemning battered/abused spouses and people in other domestic turmoil to a lifetime of ****.

1st would be to try to examine BOTH side's mistakes that got them into this. 2nd would be to see if they can come to some agreement to fix the problem. 3rd would be to see if it works out. 4th would be to consider other options if it doesn't. 5th would be to have a frank (aka realistic) discussion about how breaking up would work.

I see a lack of participation. I see laziness. Where is the battering / abusing coming from?

****That was an example (the abuse not necessarily the OPs problem)- you can ALWAYS leave a bad situation - it is always an option. ***Not always the 1st option - it's usually the last option*** And I am still not clear if these are his children or not????

Only going by the OP (one sided obviously) I see:

Complete disrespect
Emotional and other abuse - not letting your significant other sleep is abuse - sorry.
Big time Control issues

He's supposed to be her future husband - not a walking talking whining demanding cruel paycheck.

Jeff92se

Living simply but happily on social assistance and child support is better than living in misery with a miserable influence on my children. There are other choices and compromises to be made. At least, leaving will open up opportunities to find a better way, even if it means having to live with my own family until I can work it all out. STAYING is far more volatile.

How do you think visitation with the dad be better for the kids?

Better than the alternative.

Right. Trying to work it out would be much worse. In reality, the alternative is what is happening now. ie... the kids get care (abeit from one). How would letting her kids with the father ALONE for 2-3 days of the week be "better" for the kids?

First, you don't know what the visitation situation would be so don't jump that gun. Second, so you're saying she should sacrifice her self worth, mental health, and potentially the emotional health and well being of her children because of the POTENTIAL that her children will be subjected to the father alone for visitation? If the concern for their well being was that great then she can request limited or supervised only visitation. Problem solved. I am firmly against "staying for the kids" and this argument takes the cake on that front. Subjecting a human being to a continuous stream of mental and emotional abuse and strain is not a matter to be so flippant about.

Aren't YOU assuming what the visitiation situation would be by suggesting she LEAVE?

Read all of my posts. I suggested WORKING it out. This is just ONE side of the story here.

As far as assumptions here. You assumed:

1) She would have near 100% custody
2) That supervised visitation would be better than what she has now.
3) That I'm advocating abuse (GINORMOUS ONE HERE)
4) That she has enough finanical status to do what you are suggesting.

loriamcq

My only advice...you need to accept the man for who he is because once you get married, they only get worse. Being a single mother is easier than being a married woman who is treated badly every single day... and it will be every single day. I know I'm a bit jaded because I've been there, done that, and I will NEVER EVER be with a man like that again. They steal your life, your confidence, your very essence. Now I know not all men are that way, my second husband is wonderful, kind, and thoughtful. But the first... uh uh. Never again.

gec1266

Too much on your plate! Taking care of three babies is incredibly stressful. I know you have a son and daughter,but reading this profile your soon to be ex-fiance? is acting worse than the children. He's a grown up (numbers-yes-maturity level-NO) and should know better and be pitching in and not acting like a 12 year old. His idea of partnership is you do everything and I'll complain about everything if it's not going my way. WTF?!?!?!? Are you sure that this is the route that you want to take? It sounds like he isn't willing to change and if that is the case,strap in and hold on because it's going to be a bumpy ride!!!!

UsedToBeHusky

I'm not saying that you should break it off with him, but I do think you need to evaluate this situation, determine how you would like for things to change, and then sit down and have a discussion with him about it.

TourThePast

First priority, tell him plain and simple that you are giving him notice that the situation cannot continue the way it is. Do NOT be drawn into an argument, just state your case.
Second priority, go get some assertiveness training. YOU are enabling him to do this to you. I promise you he will not starve to death if you decide not to cook on some days.
Set some dates by which things have to change, and let him know you're reviewing the situation on those dates and it's up to BOTH of you to make things better by then.
Otherwise, he'll be cooking ALL his meals and doing ALL his washing.

evil_rider

He sounds like a total and complete *kitten*.

rml_16

Did your fiance behave this way after baby #1 was born? And then you had baby #2?

Not saying it's OK or that you shouldn't really make some changes in your life, but like Dr. Phil says, "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

Don't expect things to get better IN the relationship and don't have baby #3.

12skipafew99100

You have 3 kids. Your life could be so much better. Sorry but its the truth.

janet_pratt

I would rethink the fiancee. Single parenting is hard, but you're doing it anyway. Sounds like it might relieve some of the stress and the mess to get rid of the large child.