'You'd be more attractive if you were thinner'

iceqieen

My husband admitted it a few weeks back. After I started loosing inches. That yes, he would find me more attractive when I'm fit. And I was glad he said that.

on it's own, it sounds like a ****ty thing to say but! We've been together for almost 12 years now. He's kept his mouth shut when I blew up to 260+ lbs. He didn't say much when I got down from that to 187 lbs. And again he didn't say anything when I blew up to almost 250 again. So now that I am again trying to get rid of the fat, I have spent more effort into explaining to him how I feel. That this is for health, the looks will be a nice side effect. That I feel better. That I love myself regardless of the fat. It was from one of those type of conversation that he admitted that he'll like my body better thinner.

So I appreciate his honesty. I don't want someone who says I'm "fine" all the time. I want to believe him when he says good things. And I want to accept that when he says something "negative" that he is being honest and I should take it as it is. That is the sort of relationship we have built over the years, and I want to keep building on that.

Not all relationships are 90% looks "these days". Still plenty of them, but there are healthy relationships out there too. Depends on the people in them and how they try to be better!

jadelyndsey

Has anyone ever been told this before?

I was dating a guy for awhile but things didnt work out (nothing to do with my weight) and we are still friends. I asked him if I could ask him a question that he would answer honestly. He said ok and then I asked him how fat he thinks I am. He answered 'a bit' and I said that isnt an answer. I then asked him how much he thinks I weigh by looking at me. He said he didn't know, but that I was thinner than when we first met. I then asked if he thought people could still consider me attractive how I am now. He replied 'you'd be more attractive if you were thinner.' So I said well...if I am thinner now than I was when we met, and you think I'd be more attractive if I lost some weight, does that mean you werent that attracted to me when we first met? He said no, that he was attracted to me. *Disclaimer to say that I do not judge my worth by my weight, nor do I judge my worth by how I am seen by others* I was just curious about it and since he would be honest with me, I asked.

I have fallen off the wagon a bit since I got really sick a week or so back, and I think I more or less asked because I knew what the answers to my questions would be, and I think I thought maybe it would help me kick my *kitten* back at it.

Completely understand. 2 years ago I was heavier than I am now (about 30lbs more), and had really bad acne, and I was just flat out called ugly. "Eurgh, imagine waking up to that" was probably the worst thing I heard. However, I began taking accutane, an acne prevention pill, and now I have great skin and my face is complimented al the time, not my body though. After my face improved, I felt un-stoppable and began a weightloss journey (a very unhealthy one though) and began to not eat properly, and went running for 2 hours a day until I lost about 60 pounds in 6 months, and looked like my profile picture <. Sadly, The rate at which I lost weight was so unhealthy that as soon as I ate properly, I gained it back even quicker.

I have now come to realise though that comments and people only make you suffer. I strived to be pretty my whole life, and last year it almost took my life. My goals on MFP are to eat healthily, exercise moderately and look after myself. I don't care what comments I get now, because I know that they will affect me negatively. All I plan on doing it getting fitter and improving upon my own self image. Good luck everyone

Kaylee_law_123

All I know is when I was thin and walked past a group of guys they stoped and stared, now they don't - I have no doubt I was more attractive when I was thinner!

_Aimée_

When I was fat I used to get called cute all the time and I never understood why I was never called gorgeous or stunning. I lost 70lbs then worked out why
My new bloke on our first date gave me a kiss then said to me "You are ****ing stunning"!! And the amount of attention I get from males now is 10x than I did before, its something I find quite hard to handle now..I walked past a guy the other day and he called me a nice ***** in boots (I was wearing boots!) and the party I went to on nye I was getting hit on (very badly) within about 10 minutes of arriving.
The one thing I notice on the pictures in the success stories is how much more younger, healthier and radient everybody looks, even with a small amount of weight off. You do just look better slimmer.

appleseeds

1. Curvy refers to bone structure not fat. A true curvy persons bottom rib goes in on a angle. Most people's rib cage goes in a straight row. now the media just calls fat curves to make it sound nicer. It's just backhanded compliment crap.
2. just because someone compliments your face doesn't nessicarily mean that they are insulting your body.
3. Instead of feeling like no one wants to date them because they're fat, all the very skinny girls I know get insulted because they are only ever complimented on their looks and no one cares about their personality.

Face it: unless you work on your self esteem issues it doesn't matter if you are thin or fat, your always going to find a way to hate yourself.

I'm speaking mostly in regards to some responses. Obviously some people have been outright told that they would be more attractive if they lost weight, but seriously, for some others always assuming people are insulting you and finish their senences in your head is your problem not them. It's time to work on yourself.

HonkyTonks

This probably isn't very helpful, but I've overheard someone saying about me, "--great body but look at her face."

At least weight you can control, right?

That is so mean, you're quite pretty!

HonkyTonks

I may sound a bit cocky but you have no idea how much fun it is for a guy to come up to me and ask for me for my number and i get to tell him "uh you could lose like 20 pounds fatty". I will say that to a skinny guy too. They get mad and upset and call me the lovely B word, but i just laugh. In reality, if they would have saw me at 230 pounds, they would never give me the time of day and insult me because most guys (not all) my age are shallow. If they really want to get my number, they are going to have to try a lot harder and guys don't want to give that much effort. Too much work

Congratulations on your weight loss - I get that you're still cut up about how guys treated you. I can understand that - having once weighed about 350lbs I got my fair share of taunts, insults, etc from both men and women. When I lost all the weight I got guys approaching me more of course, but I was never rude to them.. I can understand that physical attraction plays a role in what we look for in the opposite sex. Personally, I think you're doing yourself a bit of a disservice turning these guys away and being rude to them just cause they're guys - it's a tad rough. You don't know if the random guy at the bar would have insulted you over your weight. You should treat others how you'd like to be treated.

happyhiram

Now i am that girl that when i go to bars, everyone tries to get my number. hahaha like they have a chance. I actually have people who use to call me fat in H.S try to ask me out today. Do they seriously think i have forgotten all the torment. I have a bf right now who is in his 40's. i chose him because he loves me and cares about me and thought i was beautiful when i was at my heaviest. We lost weight together. I honestly hate people who judge people only on looks. discusting.

I may sound a bit cocky but you have no idea how much fun it is for a guy to come up to me and ask for me for my number and i get to tell him "uh you could lose like 20 pounds fatty". I will say that to a skinny guy too. They get mad and upset and call me the lovely B word, but i just laugh. In reality, if they would have saw me at 230 pounds, they would never give me the time of day and insult me because most guys (not all) my age are shallow. If they really want to get my number, they are going to have to try a lot harder and guys don't want to give that much effort. Too much work

Do you even give them the chance to dig themselves a hole before you insult them and turn them away? Are you talking about insulting the guys who called you names in high school or is this every guy who you come across in a bar? If it's the latter then...who are you to judge a man that's never seen you at your heaviest? Who are you to insult someone who found you pretty enough to go and strike up conversation?

Congratulations on your weight loss but you need to take a step back and really look inside yourself. Do you not want to be better than the people who tortured you in high school?

Believe me, I know how it feels to be ridiculed and made fun of. I was 320 pounds and people CONSTANTLY made fun of me. But now that I've lost the weight I didn't turn around and become what I had to put up with. I treat everyone with the respect they deserve until they prove otherwise. Telling people they could afford to lose 20 pounds (unprovoked) is a rather rude thing to do.

I think you may have need of some serious self examination here.

Unless of course you only do this to the guys who tortured you in the first place. But even then you should still strive to be better people than them.

martalaurazayas

Now i am that girl that when i go to bars, everyone tries to get my number. hahaha like they have a chance. I actually have people who use to call me fat in H.S try to ask me out today. Do they seriously think i have forgotten all the torment. I have a bf right now who is in his 40's. i chose him because he loves me and cares about me and thought i was beautiful when i was at my heaviest. We lost weight together. I honestly hate people who judge people only on looks. discusting.

I may sound a bit cocky but you have no idea how much fun it is for a guy to come up to me and ask for me for my number and i get to tell him "uh you could lose like 20 pounds fatty". I will say that to a skinny guy too. They get mad and upset and call me the lovely B word, but i just laugh. In reality, if they would have saw me at 230 pounds, they would never give me the time of day and insult me because most guys (not all) my age are shallow. If they really want to get my number, they are going to have to try a lot harder and guys don't want to give that much effort. Too much work

Do you even give them the chance to dig themselves a hole before you insult them and turn them away? Are you talking about insulting the guys who called you names in high school or is this every guy who you come across in a bar? If it's the latter then...who are you to judge a man that's never seen you at your heaviest? Who are you to insult someone who found you pretty enough to go and strike up conversation?

Congratulations on your weight loss but you need to take a step back and really look inside yourself. Do you not want to be better than the people who tortured you in high school?

Believe me, I know how it feels to be ridiculed and made fun of. I was 320 pounds and people CONSTANTLY made fun of me. But now that I've lost the weight I didn't turn around and become what I had to put up with. I treat everyone with the respect they deserve until they prove otherwise. Telling people they could afford to lose 20 pounds (unprovoked) is a rather rude thing to do.

I think you may have need of some serious self examination here.

Unless of course you only do this to the guys who tortured you in the first place. But even then you should still strive to be better people than them.

great response

You can't loose your humanity just because you have lost weight.

Di3012

The fact of the matter is that guys are raised by their mothers and society to be very narrow minded. Its sad and not fair. I'm 24 years old and i refuse to go out with anyone my own age because i hate that attitude of "you are so irreplacable and its an honor for you to have me". I have within the last 2 years have lost 70 pounds and i am 152. All i have left to do is lose the pouch. Right now i can honestly wear anything i want except a bikini and i love that. I am very new at being healthy because my whole life i was overweight. I got all of those lines "You'd be more attractive if you were thinner" and it killed me. But i finally got mad and changed myself.

Now i am that girl that when i go to bars, everyone tries to get my number. hahaha like they have a chance. I actually have people who use to call me fat in H.S try to ask me out today. Do they seriously think i have forgotten all the torment. I have a bf right now who is in his 40's. i chose him because he loves me and cares about me and thought i was beautiful when i was at my heaviest. We lost weight together. I honestly hate people who judge people only on looks. discusting.

I may sound a bit cocky but you have no idea how much fun it is for a guy to come up to me and ask for me for my number and i get to tell him "uh you could lose like 20 pounds fatty". I will say that to a skinny guy too. They get mad and upset and call me the lovely B word, but i just laugh. In reality, if they would have saw me at 230 pounds, they would never give me the time of day and insult me because most guys (not all) my age are shallow. If they really want to get my number, they are going to have to try a lot harder and guys don't want to give that much effort. Too much work

Who are they to judge my appearance!!!

Women who are wanting to lose. One of the biggest motivations for me losing weight was to treat these guys how they have treated me. But again this is me and what worked for me. I know people are going to think i am very spiteful person but i am being honest, it motivated me and its fun. Plus when you lose this weight, you will feel like a million bucks.

You may find being like that is okay at the moment, wait until you reach past 40 and become invisible. You may wish you had never spoken to them like that.

Are you quite sure just a "no thanks" would not suffice?

JDBLY11

I know this is an old thread but I have been told this before by my dad and husband and a few other people, and I agree with it. I have said it about myself several times. I have been about 30-150 lbs overweight most of my life. When I was at my thinnest and about a size 10 in middle school I got much more attention and started making friends and being treated better than when I was overweight. I never made the connection that it was because I was slimmer and a more normal weight for my height. I have decided when and if I get skinny I still want to dress modestly, no bikinis for example, so I will not get unwanted attention. I like making friends but I do not want male attention. I am married with a son so that really is not needed and I hate the pressure hollywood puts on women to look sexy when it seems to make people hard very young. I am happy with the way I look minus the weight. I am no beauty but I am happy thinking of myself as average. My dad always said it is better to underestimate your beauty than overestimate it. It's better not to know you are beautiful but to be happy the way you are.

JDBLY11

This probably isn't very helpful, but I've overheard someone saying about me, "--great body but look at her face."

At least weight you can control, right?

Are you kidding me? You're gorgeous!

I am sorry someone told you that. You are not unattractive. Every woman has beauty in some form. I cannot think of a woman I have met that is really homely. Getting married and having a son helped me see the beauty in other women more.

JDBLY11

I've been told that a TON of times. Guys didn't even look at me until college, and even when they did, I was only a rebound, a game, or a bet that one guy lost. I've never been the girl that a guy truly loved or cared about. My weight has always been the issue. I've always been too large to be the girlfriend. I been told that I have the face, but, I don't have the body.

I'm 30+ pounds lighter now, and extremely close to my goal...guys still won't touch me because I'm not skinny. And I still get that sentence " You'd be more attractive if you were thinner.."
Gimmie a freakin break. I was 240 pounds in high school. I'm 29 years old now and I weight 153 pounds.

Sorry for being bitter, lol...I was recently (today) dumped by a guy I loved.

Where are you trying to find guys? What kind of image are you projecting? I have a cousin who has this issue and she has a great body, personality and brains, but she always seems to pick guys who treat her like garbage and don't appreciate her. Sometimes she rejects the good guys in her life as well, which can be a problem. She met a guy who I believe wanted to marry her buy she did not really give him a chance because to her he wasn't attractive enough. When you find a guy who loves you for you even with imperfections you should deepen the relationship. I would rather have a guy who loves me unconditionally and isn't my idea of perfection than a guy who is my idea of perfection and cheats or does not appreciate me. I actually found a guy online who has his imperfections. but he still thinks I am beautiful and loves me even at my current weight and I am very fat right now. I can't stand it. He still wants me and is willing to put off some of his own desires until I lose the weight. I feel bad that I am putting him through this.

Lisa1971

This probably isn't very helpful, but I've overheard someone saying about me, "--great body but look at her face."

At least weight you can control, right?

What???????? You are beautiful!

JDBLY11

Those comments sound familiar. "You look great from the neck up" or "you have a great personalit/sweet girl". That kills me everytime too.
It is always interesting to get the opposite sex's view point. It's healthy (if not a little bit painful). I enlightened one of my guy friends not too long ago. We were talking about dating and the singles scene ( I am married, some of my friends involved the conversation are not). The consensus among the girls was that they would not date an overweight man. Some of the guys were very surprised. I said, "Well you wouldn't date 'fat chicks', what makes you think women are any different?" Obesity, genetically, is a sign of an unhealthy mate. For women, looks are not number one on the list but it is definetly in the top 5.

I disagree. My husband is about 50 lbs overweight according to the BMI, he is short so he should be around 130 but I love him just the way he is. I really don't mind guys who have a little weight on them. I think most guys do have a little extra weight. Even my sister who looks like a tall model has a husband who is about 40 lbs overweight and he looks pretty fit. It is more accepted for guys than for girls to carry that extra weight. Personally I like a litle weight on my guy because they are more cuddly and I really like to cuddle. Even my other sisters future husband is a little overweight but he is a great guy. Personality and commitment matter more than how a person looks in a relationship.

JDBLY11

Why would it be a shock to you if someone said that you would look better if you lost weight? Isn't that why 99.9% of us on here? The words may sting but you got an honest answer. You got the answer to a question that you already knew the answer to. Come on man....

And it works the same for you ladies as well.
You don't see any obese Chippendale entertainers getting the attention of females - lol

No, being fit is attractive; fat is NOT to most people.
That's reality.

This. Women don't like fat men. Men don't like fat women. That's why we are on this site and suffering through intense discomfort, pain, and injury to get thin again. Because to play the social game you have to look the part.

We may hate it. It may sound harsh. It *is* harsh. But it is the society that we live in, and no matter what we may say... most of us want to conform at least a little to society's rules so that we can play society's games.

It's no fun being the fat person who is never physically touched by anyone because of their weight.

When people tell me that "i'm a great guy but i don't date big guys" or "you're pretty cool to hang out with but i am attracted to athletic guys" or "you are a fat **** and i'm disgusted you even bothered talking to me", it all means the same thing. Some are nicer than others but it boils down to "fat people are not allowed on this ride".

Either do something about it, or accept it and move on. It's a nasty world. We all know this. That's why sites like these are so popular. I for one don't want to ride the fat person ride anymore.

If that is how it is than I would rather be single and call it a day. I don't want someone just because they like my looks and I am not going to play the singles game just to get some sex.There are people who are not like that out there. I married one and I am not that way.

JDBLY11

I've heard that before, and I honestly don't think the people realized how insensitive they were being.
Probably the worst one I've ever heard was from my ex fiancee just after he and I split up. "Babe, I know the world doesn't view you as attractive, but I've always found you beautiful."
My reply was "F*** you"
don't worry about what people say!!

I don't think he met to be mean my husband says I have a more classic beauty( I have boobs and hips) and my sister has a more modern beauty ( tall, leggy, pretty face). It is not mean just the truth.

VeganSurfer

Nope

broox80

My ticker is just my jaw line of my senior pic!! I know i am prettier thinner.
But i dont look good skinny. It seems that i dont need to worry much about that one though!!

Mharren

I've heard that a few times. Ok more than a few. Even when thin.

My reply is "But If I were any thinner I wouldn't have as much of an *kitten* for you to kiss."

Though I never invited the assessment.

JDBLY11

First of all, you're a master at question-traps! Backing your man into a corner with no option but to dig down!

My reply here is going to be a cliche one - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's all depends on the individual.

To answer your question specifically, I've been told by many people that I should lose weight to look better. The fat covers your body and you lose your 'distinctive' cheek bones, jaw lines and general muscle tone which I believe adds a lot to general attractiveness.
But I'm more on the side of I tell people they would look more attractive if the lost the excess weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a terrible and heartless person who wants to make people feel bad for being overweight (**spoiler** I"M OVERWEIGHT TOO! **GASP**), I just believe it to be true.

It's one of my main reasons to lose weight as well - to 'feel' more attractive. Notice the emphasis on the word 'feel', because its all depends on the individual.

I was not very physically attracted to my husband when I first met him. He was not really my type, but I really loved his personality and we could talk to each other for hours on end about anything and everything. He loves me more than I love him I think and that really works in our relationship. I have grown to find him very sexy though. Don't dish someone just because you don't find them sexy they may be the one who loves you unconditionally.

matabiau

My ticker is just my jaw line of my senior pic!! I know i am prettier thinner.
But i dont look good skinny. It seems that i dont need to worry much about that one though!!

ready to take some pounds more if i had your smile

seanezekiel

I may make some enemies by saying this but I don't see the problem. We all have different qualities we are physically attracted to. It doesn't make a person evil not be attracted to heavier people. For example this is me...

I like long hair more then short hair
I like lighter colored eyes more then darker.
I have no preference in regards to hair color.
I have no preference in regards to race.
I like women shorter then me and greatly dislike taller then me.
I like women with a little extra weight on them.
I find very thin women unattractive.
I like women with hips.
I like mid-range breasts, not HUGE and not non existent.


Does any of the above mean I won't fall for someone who does not meet all of that? of course not, love is stronger then all of this.

Now society is a little messed up. I can say I am not attracted to very thin women and people shrug but if I were to say I am not attracted to heavy women all hell would break loose and suddenly I am Satan.

When I weighed over 300lbs I had attractive small women date or show interest in me. Not very often but it happened. I am pretty nice and can make anyone smile and laugh. The nice guys finish last thing is not true. Now that i am getting more in shape I most certainly seem to have more interest from women but does that mean the girls who liked me when I was bigger are better people then those that didn't? Of course not.

Fat_Bottomed_Girl

This probably isn't very helpful, but I've overheard someone saying about me, "--great body but look at her face."

At least weight you can control, right?

Your face is beautiful! -What an idiot!

JDBLY11

OMigod, have women really said that to you?? Pretty disgusting. I apologize!! not all women are like that, that's for sure!

To summarize without going into gory depth, yes women have said that to me often. It's one of the biggest reasons I started buckling down on my weight. Granted I was only about 40 lbs over but people equate 40 lbs over as the same as 200 lbs over. Once you get to a certain point it doesn't matter anymore.

Whenever people try to pass this off as a gender thing (meaning that women are so open about dating, but men are only interested in barbie) i have to laugh my *kitten* off because I have found it to be equal no matter what gender we're talking about.

Some people like to lie about what is really attractive, and they also like to be lied to about their own attractiveness.
I value truth.

I've know too many ladies who ditch Mr Right to go bed down some great looking guy who treated them like dirt.

We all know people like this, and some guys fall victim as well.
I want to be equally yoked, and my SO told it to me straight.

You are TOO FAT!
You are unattractive.

OUCH! The truth hurt, but it got me out of the problem and into the solution.
Anybody too thin skinned to accept reality can just stay in lah lah land with false compliments and a fake love that transcends mere physical beauty.

Yea, right....

You know from the other side being married and fairly happy I have found that appearance does not really matter much in a relationship on a day to day basis. Sure it is a nice icing on the cake, but It is much more important that your man wants to provide for you and will always be faithful you you and love you no matter what and be committed to you. I wish I had pushed my husband more in the financial provision area before I got married. I was so used to being well provided for that I assumed that would fall into place. It did not for years though and just now my husband is starting a job. If I could go back and do it over I would have pushed him to finish his Ph.D. or not gotten married at all. It would have solved so many problems and I don't think I would have the weight problem I have now, at least not as bad. I have gained over 100 lbs over the course of our marriage. I am happy I got 2 out of 3 and he will improve starting next month in the financial provision area and probably will be a teacher in the next few years.

As far as women go, I want my son to marry a modest, caring, healthy-weight girl who loves children and old people. It puts my husband through a lot and our marriege through unneeded difficulty being over 150 lbs over a healthy bmi. We want children and to have a great sex life but that really is not possible for us ( though apparently it is for others) when I am at this weight. I try to make my husband feel sexy though and fulfill him in the ways I can but it still isn't enough.

fufi04

Yes, but it was an old Lady I worked with lol

Rarity2013

I've heard it. Oddly enough I only ever heard it when I was at my thinnest.

I prefer to think of it as less of an a****** comment that it sounds. People generally have different preferences on what they find attractive, so I try not to judge myself on just one person's opinion. There are a hundred billion adult websites making money from people who think you'd be more attractive if you gained 150lbs.

Probably one of the nicest compliments I ever received was from an old work colleague who only ever dated very petite girls (UK 6-8). I was a size 12 at the time, and he said "you're moderately attractive". Because I knew I was so different physically to his usual type, it felt like the most flattering thing anyone had ever said!