FUNNIES.....:) we all need a laugh!
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HAAAAHAHA love this one!0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
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Yes waiter I'll have the kielbasa...69... some might call it nasty... i call it romantic dinner for 2
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HAHAHAHAHA0 -
lol this made my day!0
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*Random thoughts from people our age...*
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drinkto have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and stickswhen
they've invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure thatno
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
-That's enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose notto
be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn'twork?
You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the
problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how tofix
the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first sawit.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand thantake
2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finisha
text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread
of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I havenothing else to
say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantrontest
is absolutely petrifying.
- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing
as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the
name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy,bro.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before youjust nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams upto
prevent a **** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today Ihad
to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's Gas
in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure Iknow
how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,and
you can wear them forever.
- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' tobe
used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight
woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profileis
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red RyderBB
gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier everyyear?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productivefor
the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't wantto
have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are goingto
die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me ifI
want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never washthis ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watchingTV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me ifI
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's onlya
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we stillbe
friends after this?'
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, thenI
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speedfor
pedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, butno
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still notknow
what time it is.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do towith
it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keysin
a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - butI'd
bet my *kitten* everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away,in
about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what wouldhappen
if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on
CNN.com<http://cnn.com/>and the link takes me to a video insteadof
text.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone atthe
restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require sucha
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like
being made to feel like a fat *kitten* before dinner.0 -
This one is pretty appropriate for MFP.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *kitten* and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.0 -
69... some might call it nasty... i call it romantic dinner for 2
Somebody probably already beat me to this but here we go...
Dinner sometime?0 -
ΔΔΔΔΔΔ. Pure evil to mess with the Cherry Coke. It's a special treat that I only get once in a blue. Cherry Coke is my drug of choice.0 -
Bump0
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CAN'T.... STOP.... LAUGHING!!!!!!!! GOTTA stop before I pee in my pants!!
Special thanks to dog meth lab & the starter of this topic... AWESOME. Hee- hee.... oh no...0 -
Bump0
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OLD FART FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
that's funny!0 -
bump!!!0
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Thanks I needed this. Was having a really bad day and now I think I just might make it through!!!0
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.0 -
Bump.0
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Thought of the day...
DO NOT hold your farts in, they will back up, travel up your spine, and to your brain.
That's where ****ty ideas come from.0
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