FUNNIES.....:) we all need a laugh!
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OMG......Do not read unless Laughing out loud is acceptable where you are!!My all time favorite!!!
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge # 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting she*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report0 -
Back when I was teaching second grade a group of my student came to me one day with a question. They had been discussing babies and where they come from. They told me they were sure where babies came from but wanted to know how they got there!0
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I am literally crying while reading the one about the chili cook off. Thanks for the huge laugh! I'm gonna steal this one and send it to everyone I know via email!0
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aosMsYWzKzs&sns=em
What women say to trainers...I was cracking up b/c its SO TRUE!
I love that! Thanks!0 -
Too Cute! Looks like something my youngest would write!0 -
Love this one! Pugs are adorable and pug puppies even more so. Thanks for sharing!:laugh: :laugh:0 -
bump bump
:laugh:0 -
Ten years ago we had
Steve Jobs
Bob Hope
Johnny Cash
Now we have
No Jobs
No Hope
No Cash
Don't let Kevin Bacon die!0 -
What's brown and sticky?0
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A stick.0
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Pirate at a bar
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.
The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"0 -
Airport Security
Here is a possible solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you .
It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!
This is so simple that it is brilliant. I can see it now: you are in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers; due to our new security system, we now have a seat available on flight number....."0 -
WARNING, THIS JOKE IS NOT FOR THE "MORALLY SOUND."
A pedophile and a little boy go walking in to a forest. They're going deeper and deeper into the forest and it's getting darker and darker outside. Finally, the little boy turns to the pedophile and says, "Gee Mister, I'm getting really scared." The pedophile looks down at the little boy and says, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here by myself!"
Clearly we are soul mates.
Guy gets home from work, his girlfriend has her bags packed and a cab is waiting outside....he says, "Hey what's going on? Are you leaving me?" She says, "Yes, I've heard that you are a pedophile". He is stunned at this, and says, "Pedophile!? Wow! That's a big word for an 8 year old!"0 -
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Reported OP for humor.0
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WARNING, THIS JOKE IS NOT FOR THE "MORALLY SOUND."
A pedophile and a little boy go walking in to a forest. They're going deeper and deeper into the forest and it's getting darker and darker outside. Finally, the little boy turns to the pedophile and says, "Gee Mister, I'm getting really scared." The pedophile looks down at the little boy and says, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here by myself!"
Clearly we are soul mates.
Guy gets home from work, his girlfriend has her bags packed and a cab is waiting outside....he says, "Hey what's going on? Are you leaving me?" She says, "Yes, I've heard that you are a pedophile". He is stunned at this, and says, "Pedophile!? Wow! That's a big word for an 8 year old!"
Bahaha, got to love poor humour jokes!0 -
WARNING, THIS JOKE IS NOT FOR THE "MORALLY SOUND."
A pedophile and a little boy go walking in to a forest. They're going deeper and deeper into the forest and it's getting darker and darker outside. Finally, the little boy turns to the pedophile and says, "Gee Mister, I'm getting really scared." The pedophile looks down at the little boy and says, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here by myself!"
Clearly we are soul mates.
Guy gets home from work, his girlfriend has her bags packed and a cab is waiting outside....he says, "Hey what's going on? Are you leaving me?" She says, "Yes, I've heard that you are a pedophile". He is stunned at this, and says, "Pedophile!? Wow! That's a big word for an 8 year old!"
OMG, next it will be dead baby jokes.....0
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