FUNNIES.....:) we all need a laugh!

sinistertitan

I found this hysterical. Not for the faint of heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5qMbk5mL24&feature=g-all-u&context=G2038874FAAAAAAAACAA

LauraMacNCheese

I am reposting this one once again because it is so righteously awesome...please thank MFP member: 4thehardman for this gem:



I'm about 6'7'' so even when I'm just trying to be friendly and meeting a family member's or friend's kid for the first time, I've noticed they get very 'hide between their mother's legs' intimidated on sight if I'm not sitting down. So it's not hard for me to silence/intimidate a child, especially when I'm trying to.

However, one time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk (and no, we never finished playing the whole game). This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little **** in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge ****ing G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle (which pissed me off even more considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS!) "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys and pondering the weird homoeroticness of the whole 'sport' in general. The kid shouts "**** YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother****er.

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god damn twisty tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my *kitten* is INCHES away from this kids head.

Now, generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid's reaction in delight. However, today I couldn't help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.

I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an *kitten* now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death. I had positioned myself well on the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time and him, poor and immobilized: biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.

When finished with my bidness (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my farts), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. On '2 alligator,' the only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant looksy and then begin to take my exit.

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"

I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.

"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"

Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."

"On my son?"

"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"

"Why did you fart on my son?"

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. **** you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten *kitten* to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras and all the stories on reddit about unjustly having to register as a sex offender flash before my eyes. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."

We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friends house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking scotch. Overall, I would say it was a preeeetay preeeeetay good day.

JamesonsMommy

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!!!

homerjspartan

So the judge says to Mickey Mouse, "You're divorcing Minnie because she's crazy?"

Mickey replies, "No. She's f-cking Goofy."

mbissey

So funny! Thanks for all the laughs

Begood03

I found this hysterical. Not for the faint of heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5qMbk5mL24&feature=g-all-u&context=G2038874FAAAAAAAACAA

That fkn funny as Hell.

sixxfan4ever

Here is mine. Enjoy!!

TheRoadDog

What My Mother Taught Me ....

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

twinoakbob

A guy goes to the local Post Office to apply for a job. 

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years.
"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m.
"
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., then why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?"


"This is a government job" the interviewer explains. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that."

godroxmysox

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

haha, love it!

mommared53

What My Mother Taught Me ....

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

LOL Those are so funny! Did we have the same mom? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Jamie145

godroxmysox

HAHA, i've seen this, but it makes me laugh every time

Jain

My all time favorite!!!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

not gonna quote the whole thing, but i'm properly p*ssing myself laughing here! tears & everything!

Agreed, So so funny!

mcanals123

godroxmysox

let's bump this back to the top

sinistertitan

OLD FART FOOTBALL

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

lindz2012

bump

determined2lose89

hahaha

:laugh:

Lollliiipopzzzz

LOL my cat's like that!! She's scared of birds, flies, and mice...haha

Cberg9

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi'.

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'..

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of
those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08'.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

Woop Woop! Fave on by far!! :laugh:

SexyCook

WOW this made me laugh!! Plus I want to bump this...Great ones!

SexyCook

This one is to cute!! Something a small kid would actually write!

Redladystl

JUST WHAT I NEEDED!!!!! THANKS FOR STARTING THIS POST

lacespace

"You have a 30 year mortgage, a 5 year car lease, and a lifetime gym membership...but your afraid of commitment?"

paulamarsden

martind53

bump:laugh:

martind53

MissingMyOldSelf

My friend has a part time job as a home care nurse, and yesterday she posted this on FB:

Just when I thought I'd seen it all in homecare, my one patient's 2 1/2 year old son answered the door for me stark naked and then proceeded to scratch both his bottom and front with a yellow lego brick. Note to self, don't play with the yellow legos....

martind53

I hope this one does not offend, but if it does, let me know and I will remove it.

Here is a picture of the worst coon dog in the country.