FUNNIES.....:) we all need a laugh!

mommared53

What My Mother Taught Me ....

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

LOL Those are so funny! Did we have the same mom? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Jamie145

godroxmysox

HAHA, i've seen this, but it makes me laugh every time

Jain

My all time favorite!!!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

not gonna quote the whole thing, but i'm properly p*ssing myself laughing here! tears & everything!

Agreed, So so funny!

mcanals123

godroxmysox

let's bump this back to the top

sinistertitan

OLD FART FOOTBALL

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

lindz2012

bump

determined2lose89

hahaha

:laugh:

Lollliiipopzzzz

LOL my cat's like that!! She's scared of birds, flies, and mice...haha

Cberg9

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi'.

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'..

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of
those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08'.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

Woop Woop! Fave on by far!! :laugh:

SexyCook

WOW this made me laugh!! Plus I want to bump this...Great ones!

SexyCook

This one is to cute!! Something a small kid would actually write!

Redladystl

JUST WHAT I NEEDED!!!!! THANKS FOR STARTING THIS POST

lacespace

"You have a 30 year mortgage, a 5 year car lease, and a lifetime gym membership...but your afraid of commitment?"

paulamarsden

martind53

bump:laugh:

martind53

MissingMyOldSelf

My friend has a part time job as a home care nurse, and yesterday she posted this on FB:

Just when I thought I'd seen it all in homecare, my one patient's 2 1/2 year old son answered the door for me stark naked and then proceeded to scratch both his bottom and front with a yellow lego brick. Note to self, don't play with the yellow legos....

martind53

I hope this one does not offend, but if it does, let me know and I will remove it.

Here is a picture of the worst coon dog in the country.