For the perpetually single

tangie82

I think people who jump from relationship to relationship are defective. It's ok to be alone to really get to know yourself, figure out what you want and figure out the things you are willing to accept and not accept. I don't think anyone should settle just for the sake of not being single.

kraebear

I think people who jump from relationship to relationship are defective. It's ok to be alone to really get to know yourself, figure out what you want and figure out the things you are willing to accept and not accept. I don't think anyone should settle just for the sake of not being single.

I agree completely! My best friend goes from one relationship to another without even taking a breath!

FitDC

You are not defective at all, just the opposite. You are making sacrifices for your children. After a divorce, you never know how the next guy will treat your children (molest, hit, ignore, etc). Continue to focus on your children and then when they are in college or on their own you will have a great freedom and joy that you can share with your partner. Go on, girl. You are a great example to other single Moms!!

suztheq

I would almost say the opposite. People who go directly from one relationship to the next without ever really being single seem to be the defective ones to me... I know a few people like this and they depend on being with someone. If you can't survive alone, if you constantly ahve to have a partner then your relationship is not going to be started on/or based on something real.

I definitely agree with this^^^ I also think a lot of people are so caught up in what they are "supposed" to do rather than what they really want to do. A lot of my friends that were married before the age of 25 were divorced in less than five years. Some that are still married are completely miserable. It was like they were in love with the idea of being in love and not in it for the right reason. I almost fell into the trap myself. All of my friends were married, having kids... Why shouldn't I? So glad I didn't.

You do not seem "defective" on any front, and anyone that implies that you are is probably jealous..Be glad that you can focus on being you and supporting your kids. A lot of those so-called "happy" people don't have that luxury.

ItsCasey

I think independent people do tend to go for long stretches without being in a relationship. Similarly, needy people go from one relationship to the next without pausing for breath because they feel like it's not normal to be "alone."

I don't think there's anything wrong with being "picky" about who you choose to become emotionally invested in and spend a significant amount of your time and energy on. If you're "that person" who refuses to let anyone get close to you because you're afraid of being hurt or afraid that you can't control your own impulses enough to avoid hurting THEM, then sure, you have some issues to work out. But people who can't make it from this morning to this afternoon without a boyfriend/girlfriend have some issue of their own.

porcelain_doll

I used to wonder what people thought of me when they found out I was single, particularly the fact of how long I've been single for. The majority of people I graduated HS with are married with children by now. But then I realized that it was really a reflection of what I felt about myself. I was actually wondering if something was wrong with me, but projecting it onto others. It's given me a chance to grow and become a better mate for someone when they do come along. Dating isn't something I've ever had much luck with, but I've accepted that as part of what has made me who I am.

It is hard these days to find someone that's right, but I do believe there is someone for everyone.

ImKindOfABigDeal40

I'm in the same boat as you. I've been divorced for 3 years and just got out of a relationship. I don't want to just jump right back into a new relationship and I am in no hurry to get wrapped up in someone else's life right now. I don't think that makes me defective. It makes me wise!

michedarnd

The idea that over-six-months makes someone untouchable is absurd. Frankly, in a divorcee, LESS than six months would make them untouchable. Frankly, I wouldn't want to deal with the immediate fallout and the constant comparison. People need time to deal with something ending (even if it's not a marriage) before they go on. Also, the kind of person that stays single longer is generally more selective and has better reasons for choosing an individual. It's not about "being with someone." It's about wanting the person that they choose. That's a MUCH better reason, and it tends to last longer.

In someone nerdy, longer in-between times is par-for-the-course. They tend to be bright and need intellectual stimulation, and they have less colloquial interests. But, untouchable? Hogwash!

Now, I've probably been single longer than anybody you've ever met. That's by choice. If I were to break that, it would be because I CHOSE to and found someone worth breaking it for, but I can see someone thinking thrice about someone whose last relationship ended *13 YEARS* ago. For a woman, that could bespeak a number of different things, the LEAST harmful of which (and, in this case, the most fitting) would be a level of independence that makes them difficult to pair. THAT would be a reasonable reaction.

But, I enjoy my life, and if there should ever be someone that is just worth breaking through those walls for, they would, by the definition of "worth it," judge me for myself and not whether or not I've been leaping from relationship to relationship just to be seen as being "like everyone else" or "matchable."

Auspiciousgirl

I'm sorry that you have had negative comments about being sinlge! It sounds like you know the standards that you've set for yourself and you aren't willing to settle for anything less. That sounds very healthy to me

PepeGreggerton

I don't think that makes me defective. It makes me wise!

It certainly does.

wickedcricket

NO. And I think it's a lot of Hallmark Mind-**** hooey. There is NO possible way every living person is going to match up with another. This is NOT Noah's ark.
It's MUCH better to be single than to be miserable with the wrong person. I was very happily single for 12 years between two bad marriages. I will NEVER marry again- NEVER FOR ANY REASON. I will NEVER shack up or commit to one loser *kitten* ever again as long as I live. I'm gonna spread it around to LOTS OF LOSER *kitten*

There is NOTHING wrong with being single if it suits you and makes you happy. I am a very happy cricket and don't miss misery in my house one tiny bit (or that gross stuff in my bathroom either)

Have FUN! that's what life is for

CharlieBarleyMom

I have been "single" since my husband and I separated for the first time in 1996. In the past 16 years I have had 4 relationships. The first was an immediate JUMP when my husband and I were first separated. I stayed for 2 years even though I knew after 4 months that it wasn't right. Financial failure on my part was keeping me living with this man/boy. Then it was my husband. We tried again after 3 years separated...and that failed. Then in 2001 I met the man that I have been in love with for 11 years...we were friends first, lovers next, and then back to friends. We have had an up and down relationship but we have stayed friends because we genuinely love each other.

What this "relationship" has done for me? At first it confused me because if we truly love each other, we challenge each other intellectually, we always have something to talk about, we enjoy each other's company whether we are in a crowd or sitting alone together having dinner or watching TV -- then why are we not "together"? After dating other people (including my now ex-husband again) and neither one of us finding "the one" we remain friends. Friends that need but not friends with benefits.

I made a poor choice at one point about 6 years ago... a man that I thought would put the pieces together for me. He was the best friend of my best friend's husband. We were physically attracted to each other but past that there was nothing other than our friend connection. This worked for me, being very overweight, being over 40 by this time and feeling unwanted due to the love of my life situation. I felt that this would "fill in the cracks" - create a relationship by sharing my needs... my love would be my friend, my confidant, my support and my sexual partner would be my physical need fulfiller and the "second" to invitations, couples things, etc.

Of course this didn't work - he was NOT the one for me but I was ready to compromise because I was lonely and wanted to "fit into society" by being a couple. After this blew up (6 months in) I was devastated because I had made myself believe that this was it... but that only lasted for a few weeks because I started to get healthier being alone.

Long story obviously - but the moral of the story was this: I started to get healthier being alone. I started to realize who I was, what I wanted, saw that my "love of my life" had other issues that caused him to not be able to commit to me, found that even though we are such wonderful friends that there were probably insurmountable differences between us that could be brought to light if we were to live together and change our relationship. In this I have found that I like to live alone. I would love to have a true partner in my life, but I am very comfortable living alone. Once I find the real real real man for me things will have to change a bit in my life - but until then, I come and go as I please, I take care of my home (which I bought after my divorce) and my life as I please.

Of course, my eyes are open but I do not exist just to find a man. I have time for me. I am not defective - I am not taking part in the socialized "norm" - but that is just different, not defective.

emiliewright

DEFECTIVE? I don't think so. This infuriates me. We single people NEED to be more EFFECTIVE than our coupled counterparts. I say "I'll know when its right, til then, its all about me and my little girl." Bite me if you think I'm defective for not settling.

hiker282

Oh boy, this is one of those issues I have a love/hate relationship with. Being single when everything around you tells you not to be can be a very frustrating circumstance to deal with. I've pursued relationships with a number of girls who I found good and bad and even ugly in; and who obviously saw the same in me. For whatever reason, each of them has seen their end since I find myself in the realm of singleness.

The great thing about being single, is it gives you a chance to look at what you liked in those you've dated, what you didn't, and to continue to seek out that person that is the embodiment of as much of the good as you have found with as little of the bad and ugly. It leaves you free to explore who you are as an individual and hopefully become the ideal person for that person that you will hopefully be able to spend the rest of your life with.

I know that if I weren't single at this point in my life, it probably would have been harder for me to develop the resolve I have to take care of myself before I seek to take care of others (so many people seem to not know how to do this), I have been able to do a lot of exploring of the mountains around my home that I would not have had as much leisure time to enjoy if I were trying to take care of a family. I have also been dealing with some religious things, which are taken almost extremely seriously by the community in which I live.

I've always heard that it's better to be single and happy than to be married and unhappy. I focus on that when I am most frustrated with the whole dating and relationship game, but otherwise just enjoy being who I am and trust that, eventually, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and I will find each other.

And as far as the whole being single for 6+ months or more indicating some sort of defectiveness, to that I say, "I'd rather be labeled as defective than be attached to somebody I am unhappy with or who I make unhappy."

MaximalLife

No, we must all decide how we want to live life.
And to rush out and find a SO just to have somebody in your life is absurd.

If it were me, I'd surely want to share my life with another, and currently, I do.
But if I were looking, I'd have a WRITTEN bio with a punch list of qualities I need from a SO.

And only those who make the cut would get any consideration.
I never settle for anything less than 100% of what I want in ANYTHING - not just a relationship.

In a way this goal is much like our fitness goals.
We set a goal, make a plan, take action and work toward achievement.

Best of luck to you, and whatever you do, HAVE FUN!

All Is Possible!

rammsteinsoldier

I think single is a great way to be. I have been married twice and I find that I am happiest when single. I have learned great lessons from my past and now I am very selective and not going to fall for just anyone. I do want someone to share my life and interests with and I don't want to grow old alone but I am happy with myself and enjoy doing things that I want to do. I have so many interests and things I want to pursue that someone would have to be a very precise fit to work into my world.

As for being defective, no way. I think people who HAVE to have someone all the time are the ones to worry about. They really get themselves into a mess with relationships. (That is spoken from someone who has worked through those messes).

The main thing is to be true to yourself and find that special someone. I believe there is someone out there for everyone and settling is no longer an option for me.

grobbygru

I have been single for 9 years also. I wouldn't say I am defective but selective. I truely can't get over the standard of males now - well here anyways - so disresectful - so I certainly wouldn't be giving up all that I have (financial, emotional, peace, physical etc) for the likes of them.
I caught up with a bloke I went to school with the other day on facebook and we had the catch up chat about where our lives are at and when I said how long I had been single for he went '9 years hahahahahahahahahaha' - that mortified me because I could bet my bottom dollar his relationship would be dysfunctional (just by what sort of person he would be now due to where he lives etc) yet he seemed to think this was something to poke fun at. Admittedly it's the first time I have come up against that attitude - well to my face anyways LOL - maybe people say it behind my back. :laugh:

harley0269

Gee i never thought as myself as "defective".
I think there is nothing worse than someone who cant stand to be alone, so they go from relationship to relationship, always keeping the next one in wings. thats some one who is emotionally unstable!

a relationship is something to take very seriously. to give completely of yourself makes you vunerable. so be choosey. build that trust. with it comes faith, respect, & committment.
what you put out is what you will attract. so put out confidence, security, love & you shall receive it back 10-fold.
know what you want, & never settle for less. it may take awhile to find it, but isn't it worth it? aren't YOU worth it?

i was married for 2 years & divorced for the past 17 years. i knew my marriage was a mistake but i thought it was better to stick it out, he would change & settle down. the only person that changed was me. & for the better.
after the crash & burn of my marriage what arose out of the ashes like the pheonix, was a new found person of strength, respect, love, & courage for myself. I learned if I dont have it for myself first, how can i expect to get that from anyone else? You have to have it, to share it.

Take you time, perfect yourself. be happy.
You & your love is the greatest gift you can give.
& thats what you deserve to receive back.

suztheq

DEFECTIVE? I don't think so. This infuriates me. We single people NEED to be more EFFECTIVE than our coupled counterparts. I say "I'll know when its right, til then, its all about me and my little girl." Bite me if you think I'm defective for not settling.

I love this!!

boobee32

I've been single for over 4 years. I've had a couple of short relationships in that time frame but nothing that excites me. I'm in my 40s so that really limits the choices. When I find someone who sweeps me off my feet, I'll jump in. But, until then I'm happy exploring life on my own, with my kids, or with friends.

I TOTALLY agree with this post. I have been married twice. The first time, I was 27 - lasted for two years. I was not happy, so I got out. That was in 1999. I stayed basically single until around 2005 when I remarried. Again, 2 years and I got out. I was not happy, but there were many circumstances involved in this , but have basically been single ever since.

YES, I am capable of having a long term relationship, was involved in one for 7 years before my first marriage....
I have had several short lived relationships since my last divorce, and had dates here and there, but nothing that just overwhelms me with the wow factor.

I am in a relationship now, which I am fixing to end, because, even though I do enjoy this persons company, and we have things in common, I am not, nor can I see myself being in love with this person, now or ever.

I am independent, always have been. I like to be able to make decisions on what I do or what I dont do. I too, am very selective on who I date.

Maybe I am just too used to being single but personally it does not bother me one bit. I dont see myself defective in any way. People who stay in a relationship because the need to have someone to feel complete irritate me to no end...as well as the ones who jump from one to another...AND the ones who are always poor pitty me...i dont have anyone. I have more today than I ever had when I was married, either time.