For the perpetually single

Sumo813

So some general chit chat on that topic. Do you see someone who hasn't been in any long term relationship for a long time as a defective person?

...

To those that are perpetually single, tell your tale. For others, do you see someone who is mostly alone as someone defective, and if so why?

For me, it really is a bit of a confidence thing. I have always been able to walk up and get a number from a gorgeous girl in a club or wherever, but then just never had the confidence to follow through. Because of that, I tend to be very picky when it comes to who I will get romantically involved with. I am always thinking of things that might be a turn off to someone. And even then, once I'm in a relationship, at some point I start to wonder if I just enjoyed being single more. I'm not really miserable when I'm single, but there is that bit of loneliness that sets in.

To the whole 'defective' thing... I don't think people are defective just because they don't have a S.O. I think that's crap and if someone ever said that to me, they might get a foot in the throat. Everyone has reasons. For the past 5 (almost 6) years, I had been single (up until this past August). Why? Because I am defective? No. I worked more than 40 hours per week plus was going to school full time. People always gave me crap about finding a gf. I told them that once I had time to contribute to someone, I would. And now that I am done with school and have time, I have a gf. Will it last forever? Who knows. But if it doesn't, it isn't because I'm defective. And will I be single for a long time if we split? Who knows. But if I am, it's because I choose to be, mostly. lol

LHSweeney

Single for 5+ yrs .... dating on and off... happy with or without another person ... good.
Defective? No. Just happy and secure so it's not a big deal. I am not opposed to being in a relationship, especially on New Years Eve and Valentine's Day but I think the fact that I am not good at making men feel like I need them, makes them uncomfortable. Maybe I should act more needy : ) I do men especially smart, hot ones between 30 and 45.

Elzecat

I'm going to come back and read through the responses more thoroughly, because this really interests me, but for now:
I am 42 years old, never been married, no children (although I kinda count the dog and cat . I've been single for the past 8 years, the first few years by choice, the last few years basically for lack of dating prospects/my own social awkwardness.

I've been dating since I was 14 and have had a lot of fun and interesting experiences along the way, but few "serious" relationships. I had a 2 year relationship in college that I ended (long story short, he had a temper and I saw some things that scared me, even though he never did anything towards me). After college, I had a 6 month relationship with an amazing person who simply wasn't the right person for me. From 2000 to 2004, I had a serious boyfriend that I lived with and became engaged to, although I kind of pushed him into the engagement (BAD IDEA) and in the end, we did not want the same things and I left. Since then...singleton. At first, I just wanted to get my sh$t together...then I found it difficult to find people to date because I was overweight and felt so bad about myself...now that I have lost all that weight and feel healthy and happy about myself, I am in a tricky place--most men my age are married. If they are not, most of them are perpetual bachelors. I don't know that I necessarily want to get married or have children (not sure that would be biologically feasible at this point anyway) at this point in my life...but I really miss the companionship and would like to have someone special to spend time with. I woulOutside of my regular job, I do photography for local and some national bands, and I have met and made some amazing guy friends through that, but no one that is more than a friend. I actually have more guy friends than female friends, I've always had more guy friends, especially when I was a kid--I was very much a tomboy until I was 12 or 13. Unfortunately, that still hasn't given me a lot of insight into how men's minds work! LOL

I don't know how people "see" me. Most of my friends say that they can't believe I'm single...? I know I'm smart, I don't think I'm ugly, although I'm not conventionally "attractive," I'm funny, I'm fit and healthy and I have worked my *kitten* off to get there....I don't think I'm "defective" but I do think I struggle with my self esteem and wondering what's "wrong" with me that I can't seem to find someone special. Of all my friends, I was the one who wanted to get married and have babies at a young age...and I'm one of the few people in my circle who is still single and childless, and sometimes I feel very alone and wonder if I always will be.

I have guy friends who tell me how awesome I look now that I've gotten healthy, which is very flattering, but it's typically my married friends so even though it's nice to hear, it would be nice to hear from someone available.

After such a long dry spell, I recently met someone (actually ran into someone I'd met last year and hadn't seen in a long time) and we've been spending some time together, but I can't tell if it's just another "buddy" situation. Not that that would be a bad thing...just a little frustrating.

tialynn1

I can't believe people have said that single people are defective. I also believe that the people that don't know how to be single are the defective ones. I am 45 years old and have been single all of my life. I have dated and been engaged a few times. I also have a 17 year old daughter who lives with her father, that I still support.
I have people that always ask me why I don't want to be married. Right now, I don't have time to be involved . I am very busy working 2 jobs and working on my bachelor's degree. When I do have time to go out, I want to spend it with friends who I don't get to see very often. They are important. I have also started on working on taking care of myself by joining this site and tracking exercise and food intake.
I think another disadvantage is my Dad died when I was 12 years old. My parents had a wonderful marriage and I want the same thing. I also lost my Mom when I was 18, so I have some commitment fears. That is another thing that I need to work on, but that will be my next thing to work on after I get this weight loss thing under control Plus, I grew up with very strong independent females in my life. So, I have that in me too. I am to independent and don't need someone in my life to make me happy. I have wonderful friends and family that are important to me.

Kaddyshack21

I have been single for about 5 years now. I have had not dated anyone...at all. I have a little girl who just turned 4. My goal is to make her happy. Now I don't believe that means that I have to give up my happiness in order to do that. But I will NOT date men just to feel wanted or needed or to boost my self esteem. i need my daughter to understand that she will always be safe in our house and she never has to worry about " the new boyfriend".

I will not even consider dating a person unless I truly believe there is a chance that I will marry him. That may seem old fashioned or extreme to some. But before her I did date who ever I chose and had flings and was careless with my body and my heart and I will never do it again. My daughter will never have to worry about creeps lurking around. That is worth it to me.

Do I get lonely? Of course I do. I am human. But I have learned more about myself in these last 5 years then I thought possible. I have learned that I am strong and capable, I deserved respect and the love and those around me. These things I will never trade for a one night stand. EVER.

If people think that my choice is wrong, they are the ones that are defective HANDS DOWN.

briocktj

Back in May there was a girl my son had went to school with that was tryiing to hook up with him. She would even call me and tell me she wanted a serious relationship with my son. She had 3 kids (all by the same dad) and was pregnant by someone else at that time (about 3 months along or so) and was still married to her 3 kids dad although they were separated. Since then, on her Facebook page, she has been "in a relationship" and/or engaged to 7, (YES SEVEN) other guys. My son would not have cared about her having kids, but the fact that she called him out of the blue one day, remember me and all that... then after talking for a few days, not having seen him since high school and already talking about being in a serious relationshp with him.... he was like, um.... no.... He found she was calling me trying to help her cause along and he was like... WTH.... I havent seen her in years and we have talked on the phone maybe 3 days and she is planning a future for us...? Dont think so...

Everytime I see her Facebook status I cringe, especially when I see that she is bringing these guys through her young children's lives like a revolving door.... and having them call the new guy dad..... It is so sad!

As for me, I have been with hubby 20+ years, but if we ever separated/divorced I would WELCOME the ME time.... would casually date, but would not be looking for anything longterm. I would enjoy that time doing the things I wanted, when I wanted and not having to worry about anyone else....

MomsTooBig

I have been single for about 5 years now. I have had not dated anyone...at all. I have a little girl who just turned 4. My goal is to make her happy. Now I don't believe that means that I have to give up my happiness in order to do that. But I will NOT date men just to feel wanted or needed or to boost my self esteem. i need my daughter to understand that she will always be safe in our house and she never has to worry about " the new boyfriend".

I will not even consider dating a person unless I truly believe there is a chance that I will marry him. That may seem old fashioned or extreme to some. But before her I did date who ever I chose and had flings and was careless with my body and my heart and I will never do it again. My daughter will never have to worry about creeps lurking around. That is worth it to me.

Do I get lonely? Of course I do. I am human. But I have learned more about myself in these last 5 years then I thought possible. I have learned that I am strong and capable, I deserved respect and the love and those around me. These things I will never trade for a one night stand. EVER.

If people think that my choice is wrong, they are the ones that are defective HANDS DOWN.

Here here! :happy:

gentlebreeze2

In a nutshell... I'd say you're smart.

If you're comfortable with who you are that's what matters. Being selective only increases your chances of success if you should choose to make a commitment.

InvictusPheonix

<<< perpetually single.
I want to run marathons, i want to go to medical school, i want (and actually do) a lot.
Essentially, I'm selfish.
I put my dreams first and I KNOW a "boyfriend" couldn't handle that.
But, doesn't mean i don't have fun !

MomsTooBig

Back in May there was a girl my son had went to school with that was tryiing to hook up with him. She would even call me and tell me she wanted a serious relationship with my son. She had 3 kids (all by the same dad) and was pregnant by someone else at that time (about 3 months along or so) and was still married to her 3 kids dad although they were separated. Since then, on her Facebook page, she has been "in a relationship" and/or engaged to 7, (YES SEVEN) other guys. My son would not have cared about her having kids, but the fact that she called him out of the blue one day, remember me and all that... then after talking for a few days, not having seen him since high school and already talking about being in a serious relationshp with him.... he was like, um.... no.... He found she was calling me trying to help her cause along and he was like... WTH.... I havent seen her in years and we have talked on the phone maybe 3 days and she is planning a future for us...? Dont think so...

Everytime I see her Facebook status I cringe, especially when I see that she is bringing these guys through her young children's lives like a revolving door.... and having them call the new guy dad..... It is so sad!

Yay! You taught him well! :0)
To me, her behaviour is what is defective, and it also makes it harder for those of us that share somewhat similar circumstances. I don't need a father for my kids, and I don't need someone's paycheque, but there are more like her unfortunately and it tips the odds against us in the 'smarter then that category'

It occurred to me as I just saw the tv guide channel. If being single is defective....then why do we not see THESE people on all the shows like Springer, Maury, Jeremy Kyle etc?!
Hmmm.......LOL

julie82070

This is a great topic..thanks for posting. I'm single at 40..never married and no kids. I'm constantly asked why I'm "still single." It gets old. But like others have said, I would rather be alone and happy than miserable with someone I'm not supposed to be with. Lately, I've started to question the idea that we are all supposed to be "couples." Maybe that's not for everyone... and not for me. I don't know. I'm happy with my life - maybe at some point, I'll find someone who makes my life even happier. Until then, I'm okay...and don't really care what other people say.

carlie_carl

First off let it be known, do not turn this into a whining "my life is horrible I can't find anyone" thread. That's not what the spirit of this is about.

I got divorced in 2003 at the age of 26 and have largely been single ever since. I have had two relationships since then; one lasted six months and the other a couple of years. I have had myriad dates in between but really nothing has clicked with anyone.

This did in the beginning bother me greatly but as I have gotten older, I have found that it genuinely has affected me less and less. I own my own house, support my daughter, and can pretty much do as I please.

One thing that kind of annoys me though is that people I know will comment that if someone stays single longer than six months that that means they are defective people, something is wrong with them, and they are by and large an untouchable.

So some general chit chat on that topic. Do you see someone who hasn't been in any long term relationship for a long time as a defective person?

There are several reasons why I have not been able to find anyone to really mate up with. Some are my own doing, others circumstance.

First and foremost I am very selective. I do not want to be with someone that I really don't want to be with, if that makes sense. That requires a physical attraction on top of an intellectual connection and a spiritual/emotional attachment. Those are hard to find! To mix it up a bit, up until recently I was obese (+40 lbs overweight) and am not attracted to obese women, so that kind of narrowed my potential selection from a pool of prospects to... well... nothing Now that I am relatively in shape again, that has changed but up until this point that played a big role.

There are a host of other reasons that make it so my "boyfriend material" score is lowered, most of which has to do with my own personal choices and independence. I am also very much a nerd, and it's hard to explain my shelves of games, models, and other nerdery to most women, who often ask me how old I really am upon seeing them.



To those that are perpetually single, tell your tale. For others, do you see someone who is mostly alone as someone defective, and if so why?

I really enjoyed reading that because I can relate to this, Ive been single 3 years myself, been selective in my opinion is a good thing, it means you know what you want and you wont settle just to be with someone, It does get lonley though, I mean I dont have childeren or anything so most the time its just me and my pillow gf, witch can be a little frustrating when most of your friends are constantly talking about what they are doing with their partners, it almost makes you feel left out or defective as you say, Im a romantic though, I say there is the perfect someone for everyone, youll meet your pal, sometimes it takes questions like the ones you are asking to really identify who the perfect ones are (and befor anyone jumps and shouts, I mean Ideal partner for your preferances)

peoples im-perfections are their perfections

Slove009

First and foremost I am very selective. I do not want to be with someone that I really don't want to be with, if that makes sense.

Makes sense to me! I never had a real boyfriend until I met my husband. I am not embarassed by the fact he is the first man I ever kissed! (will make an excellent story for our kid(s?) someday!)

There is nothing wrong with being single until you find what you are looking for. Settling for something less than what you want will only hurt yourself and the other person. Be single and enjoy it.

Carl01

Have been single my entire life and have seen that presumption that there is something "wrong" with me as the reason,easy to sometimes buy into it myself.
In my case it was due to both parents being physically unable to take of themselves due to age and illness by the time I graduated high school and tried to operate the farm here.

Add in living in the sticks and you know the rest of the story.
Has that been fun...well the answer for the most part is no not really but it has given me the chance to look at others and their relationships.
I would venture that being single has been the better and happier situation then what more then half ended up with,just hard to always realize that.

It has made me self sufficient,can cook and clean (really could do better on the cleaning part but am a guy so cut me some slack ) and also has taught me what I don`t want in a relationship.
Mom passed away last year after being in a nursing home for 3 years,had to maintain the old house for estate reasons but now am ready to move on to a new place and life.
Hopefully will keep the lessons I have learned real and not make mistakes that I probably would have 25 years ago if things had been different.

Enigmatica

After 13 years of a bad marriage that got worse and worse over time, I've now been single for 17 years and absolutely LOVE it. Not everyone wants a "mate" and certainly not everyone needs one. I very much enjoy not having to accommodate anyone else in my house (other than my dogs, who aren't very demanding!) I get plenty of "people time" without needing to have someone living with me.

If anyone thinks I'm weird because I enjoy being single, I so don't give a crap. My kids are grown and gone. I'm *over* trying to live my life to meet anyone else's expectations. I take care of my responsibilities, help others as a volunteer, and beyond that I'm enjoying a freedom I never had when I was young and felt obligated to do what others thought I should. Now I get to do what I damned well please. I'm happier than ever. Getting married again is not on the agenda by any stretch of the imagination.

catherine4211

During my pity parties I often think something MUST be wrong with me. Those parties are happening less often as time goes by. It's been 4 years + now and I think it's better this way. My kids are older so why not focus on the little time I have left with them at home and make myself even better. Honestly since joining MFP my outlook has changed alot.

CallMeCupcakeDammit

I don't think that makes me defective. It makes me wise!

Right on!

I've been separated for almost 7 years and I've only been in one relationship, in all that time, that lasted 8 months. It was working for me because we'd only go out once or twice a week. That guy was extremely overweight, and I'd never been with a guy larger than me, but he was just so likeable! I figured if guys liked me when I was at my heaviest, why couldn't I be the same way? I've been on several dates, and have a lot of funny stories because of them, but I wonder why I bothered in the first place, because I really don't have time for a relationship. My kids are old enough to be home now (my son turned 16 last year, daughter's almost 14), but at the time I was trying to get out there, I couldn't afford a babysitter and had to rely on grandparents to take them overnight. My ex doesn't have a place for them to sleep, so he doesn't take them on weekends. I love having the time with my kids, and I figure I've got plenty of time for relationships when they're on their own, so I stopped trying to meet "Mr. Relationship". If I happen to meet someone, great, but I've pretty much accepted that I'm better off right now focusing on my kids and ME. I think I'm wise, too! :bigsmile:

khoj

Knowing what you want is most important! That takes time! Anyone can be married, it is happily married that is the ultimate quest!

smiverz

This is a great topic..thanks for posting. I'm single at 40..never married and no kids. I'm constantly asked why I'm "still single." It gets old. But like others have said, I would rather be alone and happy than miserable with someone I'm not supposed to be with. Lately, I've started to question the idea that we are all supposed to be "couples." Maybe that's not for everyone... and not for me. I don't know. I'm happy with my life - maybe at some point, I'll find someone who makes my life even happier. Until then, I'm okay...and don't really care what other people say.

love this!! ive been single for about 6 or so years, think i was 18 or soemthing like that when i had my last relationship, probably been on about 3 dates since!! i couldnt care less about having a gf or not! im constantly gettin asked " when are you going to find yourself a nice girl?"that really does my head in! im sure ill meet someone 1 day, if not so what?

missbethea

I think it depends on your reasons for being single.

I'm 24 and I've been single for 3 years. It's not because I can't find someone- it's because I choose to remain single. I have very high standards and know what I want out of a relationship. After being in a couple of bad relationships and realizing that what I want is something mature and committed, I've decided not to waste my time on anything less than what I want.

And right now, I know that I don't have the time or energy to devote to a relationship that it would need.

Especially now that I'm spending some time focused on me. I want to get healthy- mind and body- so that when the time comes, I know that I'm able to give a person what they deserve.

It can be a drag sometimes- especially when you're the only single person among friends- but for the most part, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm young. I have a lot I want to accomplish. And it's nice to be able to do what I want to do without having to answer to anyone other than me (and my famiy, of course!).

It took me 2 years to realize that I could be happy without a love affair. And I'm glad I didn't settle along the way.