parent versus school

ourgang

I used to get chastized by the counselor at grade school for taking my daughter's lunch or homework to her when she forgot it occasionally. If I was able to take it I would, if I was at work and couldn't, I told her no and felt awful. (OK, I did it in high school too) She graduated with honors from high school and The University of Texas, so I do not regret helping her out when she called for my help with "the little stuff".

when my daughter was in the 3rd grade, her teacher flat out said if you child forgets something do not bring them to get it!!! so i really never did. My husband on the other hand never agreed and I can tell you at least 2x a week he was running his daughter back to school because she forgot something...

Now I will run something in the morning, my girls have to get on the bus so early they have forgotten stuff... very seldom though.

MissFit0101

I don't think you're a bad parent, but in this case, I can totally understand the school's stance in the matter.

ETA: I think a child's basic needs should be met regardless, and keeping him warm is a basic need, imo.

ShapeUpSidney

How old?

he is 8 and in 3rd grade.

Oh yea, you're in the right. I'd be pissed if I were you.

seehawkmomma

I'm with you.

My daughter is 4 and If she wanted to throw a fit about it I would probably not force it on her but bring it along until she figured it out for herself.

I go up against my daughters daycare about stupid *kitten* constantly. I feel like its a never ending battle.

abbigail_r

I believe you are in the right. When YOU requested he stay inside to do homework they should agree. period. you are the mom. When my daughter was in first grade she used to throw these fits and drag in the morningbefore school almost not getting her clothes on in time. I talked to her teacher and said there might be a day when she comes to school in her pj's because she is being difficult, the teacher said thats fine. She told my daughter I sure hope I dont see you in your pjs...fortunately once the teacher agreed my daughter straightened up after that.

abbigail_r

my son forgot his coat this morning.

it is cold here. c o l d. see-the-frost-when-you-breathe cold. son wanted to wear a short-sleeve shirt and i made him put a long-sleeve. he was really upset and it threw the rhythm of our whole morning off so i didn't notice that he wasn't wearing a coat until he climbed out of the car at the school. i was mad, but it was too late to do anything about it (it's a 20 minute drive each way).

the school called and asked me to bring him a coat. i said 'no!'

i told them to have him miss recess and do his homework during recess time, or have him attend recess without a coat and be cold to learn why he needs a coat. the school is appalled. they said they would not do either and would give him a coat from the lost and found to borrow, but to please make sure he had his own coat tomorrow.

as a parent, it is hard to teach your child responsibility. i don't want to be callous, but i also don't want to enable bad decisions. so what do you think? is this a teaching moment or is the school right in being compassionate?

would you bring the coat?


**if you disagree, please do so nicely. i am not a bad person or a bad mom just because you would do things differently.

Since you didn't like their decision - if he forgets again - bring the coat....

Go directly to his classroom - interrupt them - enter the classroom and give him his coat and a bunch of giant hugs n kisses with all the accompanying little boy sweet nicknames in front of all his classmates and he probably won't forget again.

yes....do this!!!

Kcymil

I completely agree with you wanting your son to experience natural consequences. Unfortunately, the school was not willing to back you up and they wanted to give him a coat from the lost and found. I might have suggested them to give him an ugly coat or even a girl's coat so it is not an ideal situation for him. He will most likely hear a little heckling from his peers and will probably never forget his coat again. The power of peer pressure can be used to your advantage in this situation since the school was not on board with your parenting style.

livingonpurpose77

Don't give up because others are too lazy to join together with the parents to teach the kids. Teaching out kids are a team effort. In my day, you didn't get away with anything. You learned cause and effect. There would be no way my mother would drop off a coat for me either. It didn't make her a bad parent, it taught me to remember my freaking coat next time! You doing alright honey. Keep at it.

outtanms

MIne are 13 & 11....My 11 year old will not wear a coat. she says the school is to hot...I fight with her every morning as she rides the bus and it is cold here in the morning....I agree with you. If you are not responsible enough to grab a coat on the way out the door then by all means freeze your *kitten* off. But kids are older...not sure how old yours are...

ericabrothers

I am a pediatric nurse and I totally agree with you. He should learn responsibility and if being cold is how he learns then so be it. There should be consequences for acting like a little donkey because you wanted to wear a short sleeve shirt and its cold outside. I don't have any children of my own but I do have 4 dogs (2 are mine and 2 are fosters for an animal rescue) and they act a LOT better than some people's children. Honestly sometimes I enjoy giving some of the more obnoxious kids shots. I wish people would spank and punish their children more. No I didn't say BEAT I said disipline. There is a BIG difference. When I do have kids I WILL spank them when they need it and they will be better people for it.

ericabrothers

I completely agree with you wanting your son to experience natural consequences. Unfortunately, the school was not willing to back you up and they wanted to give him a coat from the lost and found. I might have suggested them to give him an ugly coat or even a girl's coat so it is not an ideal situation for him. He will most likely hear a little heckling from his peers and will probably never forget his coat again. The power of peer pressure can be used to your advantage in this situation since the school was not on board with your parenting style.

A pink sparkley girls coat :drinker:

ishallnotwant

Sorry, I only read the OP, not the discussion afterwards, but I figured i'd still throw in my 2 cents.

I think it depends a lot on the child. I have 5 children, ages 17,16, 10, 9, and 7. My youngest is a pretty "young" 7. She is much more innocent and childish than the others were at her age. She tends to be kind of off in La La Land and forgets things a bit more than the others. She also has really bad asthma that acts up in cold weather. I probably would be a little less surprised to see her do this than one of the others at her age. I'd just turn around and get her a coat if it was that cold-BUT I only live like 3 minutes from our kids' school. Given that it is a 20 minute trip each way, I think what I would have done, is, as soon as I found out child didn't have a coat, (I thought I read in OP that you noticed it when he was being dropped off) I would have parked the car, gone in the office and asked if they might have a loaner sweatshirt or coat. Most schools keep extra clothing around in case a child on campus has an "accident" or something, and I don't think the school would mind letting the child borrow it. It might not be the most attractive thing for child to wear, but if it keeps them warm that's really all that matters. I don't think it is unreasonable to explain to the school that the child forgot his coat, it is a pretty decent drive each way to the school, and ask if the school might let child borrow lost and found coat or loaner clothing. I've found that our school is fairly reasonable when I explain things a bit to them, but if I had just said "no" when they asked me to bring the coat, they'd probably get a bit irritated.


I could never say "this would NEVER happen in my home". I do remind my children to get their jackets-even the teenagers. I have asthmatic kids and I get paranoid about them getting cold lol. I'm 35 and my mom still yells at me to get a jacket. That doesn't mean my kids *always* have their jackets when leaving for school or somewhere else though-even with reminders there are days where the littles are all being goofy and someone ends up without their jacket (or lunch...or flute...or piano books...etc.) In the end, I can remind all I want, but am I going to be gathering jackets for all 5 kids, two who are almost adults, as we walk out the door? That would just be foolish-who is going to get their jackets for them when they are grown and married? They need to learn to have their things together and ready to go when it's time. I might give the youngers a bit of leeway occasionally, but for the most part, it needs to be done. They aren't babies, and they are intelligent children capable of learning responsibility. I think it's good that you expect your son to have some responsibility for himself by getting his things and his jacket together for school. Too many parents baby their children and cater to them and take care of every single little thing for them, and then we wonder why our kids aren't growing up to be responsible adults-they were never shown how!

ETA: I wanted to say that I REALLY think the child should have a coat in 30 degree weather-BUT we are from Southern California, it gets down in the low 60s and we are freezing! lol! I guess other states are used to lower temperatures than us. 30 seems so darned cold to me!!

fatgirlzrule2

You are totally right about this situation. And the way the school reacted was wrong, but not surprising.

russellma

You did the right thing, Mom! :flowerforyou:

Jane2285

Keep in mind....if a student goes without a coat at recess and other kids see...then those kids tell their parents that this student had no coat...the next thing you know there is a rumor going around the school "makes kids go to recess without coats." They were just protecting themselves here. They should have let him stay inside and do homework, not reward him, but just keep that in mind with these days and ages...people seem to sue for anything and well...NOT SAYING YOU WOULD, but I could totally see a parent saying they never said that and if their kid ended up sick making the school pay for it....Don't think I'm saying YOU WOULD, but I know people who would...I've seen it done before. But yes, you rule as a mom, teach them that lesson, because when they do get sick, they will wish they wore that coat!

Phoenix24601

In a parental view of the situation I do agree that he needs to learn to bring his own coat to school.
As a teacher, I know that we are not permitted to let the children outside for recess if it is under a certain temperature without a coat -in some cases even with a coat. The thought to let him stay inside during recess is a good alternative, however, it requires for that child to be escorted by the teacher (who might have to trail along the whole class in order to stay in ratio) in order to find another teacher who would agree to watch the child. This also means that he would have to be watched in a class that is not his own. This disrupts the other teachers class and the attention span of her students is compromised due to a new variable in the classroom. The addition of the other student also might throw that classroom out of student:teacher ratio. The school can be sued or fined or put on violation for either having the child outside without a coat or having the classroom out of state approved ratio. It is an inconvenience first off for the parent to have to drive all the way out there to bring the coat and secondly for the parent to be overridden by the school, however it is also an inconvenience for the school to have to disrupt their day over something so trivial. The school is responsible for the well being of those children during the day according to very strict regulations; it is not always the school vs. the parents.
The sad fact of the matter is that a good amount of parents (not necessarily the OP) would complain and reign havoc on the school if they hadn't called and let the child play outside in the cold. It's a lose-lose situation for both the parent and the school.

jul21r

As a parent and a teacher I TOTALLY agree with you if your child is 7 and up. Unfortunately being a teacher has shed light on why some schools do what they do. We have had many parents turn around and sue the district for "endangering their child". The school system has turned into a place for law suites now and it is sad that we have to think of these things rather than teach and/or support parents. I bet that is the reason why they gave him a lost and found jacket.

slsmoot123

I dont know, I see valid points on both sides. Only you know the circumstances and you'll have to use your discernment. But it seems like your a concerned mom that's trying to raise a responsible adult and your heart was in the right place. That's really all that matters so don't beat yourself up. Whether you made a good decision or bad decision today, hopefully by the time he's 18 your good decisions will outweigh the bad.

NoAdditives

I think it depends on the age of the child and how much responsibility you give them on a daily basis. If he normally has to get his coat himself and he's older, that's one thing. But if you are the one who hands him his coat every morning, regardless of how old he is, it's your responsibility to make sure he has it.

As the mother of three children, I know how easy it can be to forget things. I can't tell you how many times I forgot to bring a bottle while we ran errands with one of our babies. Or diapers or wipes, an extra outfit, or any other important item that I should have remembered. As a parent it is important to teach my kids personal responsibility but it is also my responsibility to make sure they have everything they need for the day. Once my kids are in school, it doesn't matter how old they are, I will bring them whatever they may have forgotten without hesitation. I won't embarrass them at school but they'll get some sort of punishment (loss of some privilege or extra chores) at home.

blueyebrwneyegrl

I would call back and specifically inform the school that he does not have your permission to go outside from recess. Wearing some old lost coat sounds like an invitation to head lice - YUCK. He can miss recess for one day and survive.

My EXACT thought was he will probably get lice! I don't know about your school, but there is a secretary at our school, and a bench right outside her office in the hall. No additional teacher would need to watch him while he sat there during recess. I personally would have said no as well. We live 12 miles from our school, and I'm sorry when my children don't cooperate in the morning, and AFTER I have asked several times for them to get their coat, and they leave without one,I refuse to bring one back. I have 4 children ages 6-14 and I haven't lost one yet, by refusing to bring them a coat. My school is pretty good about following my requests. I do the same with homework, I know that they will lose points by turning in late homework, but they should be prepared and ready to go. I get them up 1.5 hours before we have to walk out the door. Homework should be a priority, and when they have to do make-up work to get a decent grade in class, I simply remind them that they should have been responsible in the first place. We as parents have got to teach these things to our children. If we don't...we get lazy, disrespectful adults in the end.

Lanna74

I think you did the right thing. When I was growing up if I left my coat at home then I left my coat at home. There was no magical fairy to help me out all the time. I've done that for my boys and I sort of regret it. If it doesn't hurt them then I'd say it's a good learning experience.

Now, that's not to say other moms wont judge you and react like you're a horrible mother. I've seen it a million times.

My vote as an experienced parent: You did the right thing.

TheSiren87

Thats the problem these days! The teachers are trying to BE the parent and a friend. So when it comes down to what you want for YOUR child if the teacher or whoever is not in agreement they will show themselves either as "the good guy" or sometime the parent by disciplining the child. Teachers need to go back to being the people who teach your kids what they need to know. Thats it, no side jobs or personal beliefs involved. I am starting to see that teachers either show a lack of interest or are over the tope there is no happy medium anymore. Which is funny because being a teacher is a job and if I were ever to disregard a request or do something alternate of what I was hired for I would be fired.. why do teachers get so much leeway??

danascot

Why on earth would the school expect you to bring his coat? If he forgets his lunch are you supposed to bring him another one? This is not teaching responsibility in my opinion, although the degree depends on age I suppose. At my daughter's school if you forget your coat you sit inside for recess (boring!) and if you forget your lunch they have some cheese/pb crackers to give you.

I think you did the right thing - parenting is not easy!

ishallnotwant

i wouldn't have taken the coat, i'm also hoping the school did attempt to teach him a lesson and put him in a very unfashionable coat (or even better a girls) that didn't fit properly,that way he'd make sure the coat was never forgotten again (lost property at my school never had anything nice in it)

An unfashionable coat is one thing, but there is no need to put the kid in a girls coat and humiliate him. That's just mean.

TheSiren87

my son forgot his coat this morning.

it is cold here. c o l d. see-the-frost-when-you-breathe cold. son wanted to wear a short-sleeve shirt and i made him put a long-sleeve. he was really upset and it threw the rhythm of our whole morning off so i didn't notice that he wasn't wearing a coat until he climbed out of the car at the school. i was mad, but it was too late to do anything about it (it's a 20 minute drive each way).

the school called and asked me to bring him a coat. i said 'no!'

i told them to have him miss recess and do his homework during recess time, or have him attend recess without a coat and be cold to learn why he needs a coat. the school is appalled. they said they would not do either and would give him a coat from the lost and found to borrow, but to please make sure he had his own coat tomorrow.

as a parent, it is hard to teach your child responsibility. i don't want to be callous, but i also don't want to enable bad decisions. so what do you think? is this a teaching moment or is the school right in being compassionate?

would you bring the coat?


**if you disagree, please do so nicely. i am not a bad person or a bad mom just because you would do things differently.

If I were you.. I would call the principal and file a formal compliant.. not going to recess for one day is your decision as the one whoe bore him into the world and NO ONE should EVER defy you with a simple non-harmful request.. I would.. but I have had problems with people telling me how to raise my kid lol.

icemaiden17_uk

I am totally with you! You did the right thing! Besides schools shouldn't just assume you can drop everything and run back there. If you were able to do that then you would've right away! Some mothers do work or have other important jobs that they have to do in the day while their children are at school! Although I do have to say that your son would've been very emmbaressed by having to wear a lost coat. They look bad and smell funny so that is a bit of a punishment right there as well!

SLaw4215

I wouldn't have brought the coat either. I'm the parent that asks the school nurse.."On a scale of 1 to 10 (ten being really bad)...how bad is it?" and if they say someone needs stitches I'm ON- IT!!! LOL I'm a realy hands on mom...drive my kids to school on my way to work, pack lunches, etc. Kids will be kids. My 13 year old leaves the house wearing her slippers (look like UGS) with no sox because it's what the other kids are doing...not because I don't care either way.. I care. And when her slippers are stinky from smelly feet she will care too. My 23 year old won't put on a winter coat until it's "below zero". If the school gave your son a coat to borrow then problem averted - no harm done. It's not like you confiscated the coat....HE didn't put it on.

CherryTop

In our house we call it "The School Of Hard Knocks". We are the parents and make the rules but from time to time our kids want to fight our rules well as loving parents we can allow and afford our kids a minor "hard lesson learned". I am sure your kid will not be scared for life if forced to miss recess. My suspicions are that it was just a little inconvenient for the school to follow your lead. When I was growing up the school would have gladly helped my Mom learn my lesson. It is a shame the school systems do not back up parents but equally the parents do not back up the school.
I am sorry the school did not back you. The next time the school has a hard decision for you remind them of this circumstance when you back them.

rbryntes

not going to recess for one day is your decision as the one whoe bore him into the world and NO ONE should EVER defy you with a simple non-harmful request..

Actually, some states require recess/ouitdoor time every day by mandate/law, so in such cases the parent does not have the ability to pull the child from recess.

paigemarie93

I'm sorry to be the first to outright disagree here, but I'd like to give you my honest opinion.

Firstly, there is no way my kids get out the door without their coat on. As a mother, I feel that is just as much MY responsibility as theirs. If the temperature is under 55 - 60 degrees, they are wearing some kind of jacket or coat. When you let him go without his coat, you risk getting him sick, which in turn risks getting you, your spouse, and any other children you may have sick as well.

Secondly, how old is your son? I have three - who are 9, 6, and 3 - and I would NEVER let them out the door without their coat on. I feel this is just as much my responsibility as it is theirs. Their coat hangs on a double hook with their bookbag, right over their shoes, so that its all together and ready to go each day. Sure my 9 year old will say "Mom, I don't need a coat today", but I just say "You're wearing one, end of story."

Maybe I misunderstood what you said, which is possible. I just don't understand how you could walk to your car with your child, get them in the car, and not notice their coat missing. Or maybe I'm just a silly overprotective mother. Either way, I just wanted to be honest with you. I mean no offense, so if I've offended you, or anyone else, I'm sorry in advance.

I'm with you, If your child says "i don't want to wear my coat" you say "it's cold outside, you'll get sick" then put the coat on the child or in his bad & take him to the car. It's a bit weird that you didn't notice your child walk to the car without a coat on.
your child is young, he's still learning, you can't expect him to take responsibility for things like that when his brain isn't even fully developed yet.
Also, who would have looked after him if he had breaktime inside? Teachers have breaks then too! You should have taken him the coat.