Dr. Phil - Open Marriage

auroranflash

I think something's broken inside you if you can't commit completely to one person and have that be enough. Either you're with the wrong person or you have insecurities that you have to fill with promiscuity and outside attention.

Give me a happy, peaceful home with the person I love, someday maybe kids, my rescued doggies, and I will be happy.

I do want a bigger kitchen though.

delilah47

Why bother to get married then?

Thank you!! Marriage means you will love honor and sleep with that one person the rest of your life.. If you dont get the commitement than dont get married! Ugh this world we live in these days I dont get it.. The idea of my husband touching and being inside another woman makes my skin crawl no i dont want you porking other woman than coming home to me no thanks..

There's nothing in the vow of marriage about sleeping with only one person. It's only part of the vow of marriage if that's the commitment you make to one another. Marriage is about commitment to each other that runs much greater than sex. Not to mention a legal commitment. So there's plenty of reason to marry someone even if both parties agree that they want to be intimate with other people.

And lets not pretend like polygamy is something new. Back in biblical times, it was common for men to have multiple wives. So it's not exactly new or shocking.

Like I said in my other post, it's certainly something that's not for most people (myself included), but as long as all people involved are consenting, I don't think their lifestyle is any less valid than mine.

From what I understand the "Vow" is simply the part you say "In front of God and these witnesses". Quick Google on Traditional vows finds these:

"Forsaking all others, till death do us part."
or
"faithfully keep to her/him alone, so long as you both shall live?"
or
"and to that I pledge you my faithfulness. "
or
"and I promise to love you, and to be faithful to you as long as we both shall live."

Obviously you don't have to have these specific statements in your vows. But not sleeping with others is exactly what these say. Personally I've never been to a wedding, including one in a judges chamber, where some type of "Forsaking all others" was not in the vow. Yeah, you don't sign a paper with these words on it, but the word "swear" indicates a promise.

maybe their vows were different. you can write your own. marriage, these days, doesn't mean the same as it did in victorian days.

fbmandy55

Ugh, so much ignorance here.

You CAN be very in love with someone, want to spend the rest of your life with them but also want to satisfy sexual needs or have fun with other people..with or without your partner's involvement.

blv0267

Just like open marriages and poly relationships are not for everyone, monogamy is not for everyone either. I do believe more marriages and relationships have the possibility of surviving if moved to this type of relationship because communication is key to making it work.

delilah47

I think something's broken inside you if you can't commit completely to one person and have that be enough. Either you're with the wrong person or you have insecurities that you have to fill with promiscuity and outside attention.

Give me a happy, peaceful home with the person I love, someday maybe kids, my rescued doggies, and I will be happy.

I do want a bigger kitchen though.

i'm with you on the bigger kitchen.. with that i could overlook a few flaws in a spouse :laugh:

CurvyBiker

Never been married and it's unlikely that I ever will. Don't belive in open marriage. Don't believe in monogamy. So the two do not go together.

birdieintx

So many of y'all say that a nonmonogamous marriage isn't marriage or they shouldn't be married or what is the point, etc...All because the people in the relationships have relationships with other people. Let me ask you something, do y'all have close relationships with other people? Friends you like to go out and have fun with, friends you turn to when something is upsetting you or when you have really good news to tell? Yes? Does that mean you are any less committed or married to your spouse or significant other because there are people in your life that also meet your needs?

My guess is you answered no because you aren't having S-E-X with those people. So is marriage less about who you are emotionally bonded to and more about who you are phsycially bonded to? My guess is you just said no again.

My point is we all have many people in our lives that fulfill different needs for us, some of them fulfill the same needs (ie the emotional support you might get from your husband and your best girl friend). Sometimes they fulfill different needs (ie a buddy who loves to go to the race track with you and wife who is not interested). Neither scenario makes your marriage any less valid. And neither do nonmonogamous relationships. Sometimes they are about fulfilling a need a spouse can not satisfy, such as in a case of bisexuality, but more often that not the primary relationship is sexually satisfying on its own but the point is to not limit how the other person chooses to interact with those they are close to.

In a marriage you vow loyalty, commitment, love. Where are those missing in these scenarios? I know several people in open marriages and they are very loyal and committed to each other and love each other in the most unpossesive respectful way that most people will never experience. They recognize that a marriage is not about who belongs to who but a commitment and a choice to be together for the rest of their lives. If everyone involved are consenting adults and are being honestly open about the situation who are we to judge? It might not be for you but monogamy might not be for them. To each his own.


"In jealousy there is more self-love than love." ~~François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims, 1665

MFPAddict

No marriage is the same. We don't have an open marriage...just a ...uh...fun marriage. Whatever the label is, it works for us.

More details please :bigsmile:

andygettinfitt

We all make our way through life as best we can. If everyone is on board, I fail to see the problem.
What's right for some may not be for others, but that doesn't make it wrong.

yup, what ever makes the person happy, there not hurting no one or themselves then I say go for it.

EmCarroll1990

I think something's broken inside you if you can't commit completely to one person and have that be enough. Either you're with the wrong person or you have insecurities that you have to fill with promiscuity and outside attention.

Give me a happy, peaceful home with the person I love, someday maybe kids, my rescued doggies, and I will be happy.

I do want a bigger kitchen though.

So you're telling me that there is no one in the world you'd like to bang? Let's be realistic here, sure it's not for everyone but you can't say people are "broken" for having a different relationship than yours.

recriger

Why bother to get married then?

Thank you!! Marriage means you will love honor and sleep with that one person the rest of your life.. If you dont get the commitement than dont get married! Ugh this world we live in these days I dont get it.. The idea of my husband touching and being inside another woman makes my skin crawl no i dont want you porking other woman than coming home to me no thanks..

There's nothing in the vow of marriage about sleeping with only one person. It's only part of the vow of marriage if that's the commitment you make to one another. Marriage is about commitment to each other that runs much greater than sex. Not to mention a legal commitment. So there's plenty of reason to marry someone even if both parties agree that they want to be intimate with other people.

And lets not pretend like polygamy is something new. Back in biblical times, it was common for men to have multiple wives. So it's not exactly new or shocking.

Like I said in my other post, it's certainly something that's not for most people (myself included), but as long as all people involved are consenting, I don't think their lifestyle is any less valid than mine.

From what I understand the "Vow" is simply the part you say "In front of God and these witnesses". Quick Google on Traditional vows finds these:

"Forsaking all others, till death do us part."
or
"faithfully keep to her/him alone, so long as you both shall live?"
or
"and to that I pledge you my faithfulness. "
or
"and I promise to love you, and to be faithful to you as long as we both shall live."

Obviously you don't have to have these specific statements in your vows. But not sleeping with others is exactly what these say. Personally I've never been to a wedding, including one in a judges chamber, where some type of "Forsaking all others" was not in the vow. Yeah, you don't sign a paper with these words on it, but the word "swear" indicates a promise.

maybe their vows were different. you can write your own. marriage, these days, doesn't mean the same as it did in victorian days.

Your right, I wasn't trying to imply that all vows were written like this. you don't need these statements in the vows, as was mentioned in the last paragraph. I'm trying to say that if you don't want to be for that person alone you need vows that reflect what comitment you are making. "My word is my bond". Whatever promise you specifically make, you should live by it. I don't believe Victorian has anything to do with it though. I was married in 2006 and used vows very similar to these.

Srdking

If you wanna screw around with other people in my opinion it's time for a divorce. I don't believe open marriage is in any way cool. I know of a women who let's her husband have his end of an open marriage. I don't see these two making it in the long run. Besides who wants to catch something freaky. I know I don't:)

getfitdiva

Screw that! With all these diseases out there you want to share the sex with outside partners! Get the frack outta here! Not me no way. I entered into marriage as a sacred union onto God and commitment to my partner. If they want to venture out they can venture out on their own because they ain't bringing jack back to me.

Becky1971

I personally believe it's messed up, but it's their choice. Bringing the kids into it is completely wrong. You can teach about all the options as they get older, without involving them into it. They also had a lot of messed up ideas, like the fear and condoms. Couldn't believe it, this is 2012, it's very clear what spreads STD's. And the woman kept throwing out her Harvard education. It was all quite scary to me.

They started out with the rules, they don't have those anymore, they just have some principals.. Basically sounds like they are going on a "trust" principal.

_binary_jester_

I think something's broken inside you if you can't commit completely to one person and have that be enough. Either you're with the wrong person or you have insecurities that you have to fill with promiscuity and outside attention.

Give me a happy, peaceful home with the person I love, someday maybe kids, my rescued doggies, and I will be happy.

I do want a bigger kitchen though.

Imagine all those poor people living wasted lived because they fail to fall into your narrow view.

holiday99

almost every Open Marriage ends up with divorce or a tragic occurrence :yawn:

MFPAddict

The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.

ssforcey

Not my bag. Can't imagine seeing my boyfriend with anyone else.

_binary_jester_

almost every Open Marriage ends up with divorce or a tragic occurrence :yawn:

Think about law of averages. You only hear about the ones that fail...not the ones that succeed.

Captain_Tightpants

Re: all the "why bother getting married then" responses -

Remember the marriage doesn't always happen after the discovery of polyamorous or open tendencies. Sometimes couples get married in the traditional sense and as time passes they discover a mutual tendency toward a more open relationship. The depth of the love and commitment doesn't change between the husband and the wife. Humans are quite capable of loving and/or being intimate with more than one person. They are still usually primary partners - still husband and wife. Just now they also have boyfriends and girlfriends too.

It's a hard lifestyle for those raised traditionally to comprehend.

Avalonis

I'm in an open relationship, and it works for me.

We have rules, we have boundaries, and we have limits. We've both been in a sexually stifling relationship before, and it caused the downfall of said relationships. We are determined not to do the same thing again.

So yes, we can be with other people, but the rules are that there can be no emotional attachment to the other people. Love, affection, confiding, and comfort are with each other. Sex can be with other people.

Sex with all parties involved is allowed as well.

Basically it all comes down to this: as long as EVERYONE agrees with and truly is OK with the situation, it can work. Otherwise, it won't.

Jealousy has no place in a relationship. I am confidant that I have everything my partner needs from an emotional and sexual perspective.

With that being said... sometimes you like to mix it up. I give her the freedom to do so, as she does for me.

EmCarroll1990

almost every Open Marriage ends up with divorce or a tragic occurrence :yawn:

Do you have statistics to base this on? I feel as if you're just talking out of your rear.

Princessbrene

I need to stop reading posts like this one. It always makes me deeply sad that so many people are "ok with" or think it's "fine if it works for them". There seems to be no higher standard for anyone as long as people are "happy". There's more to life than being happy, and in my opinion, it cheapens the human experience to spend all of life only seeking after happiness.

_binary_jester_

almost every Open Marriage ends up with divorce or a tragic occurrence :yawn:

Do you have statistics to base this on? I feel as if you're just talking out of your rear.

Facts pfft.

If it is on the internet it is the truth - Abe Lincoln.

blv0267

almost every Open Marriage ends up with divorce or a tragic occurrence :yawn:

Think about law of averages. You only hear about the ones that fail...not the ones that succeed.

Was thinking the same thing as I have not seen tragedy or divorce with my friends in these types of relationships.

EmCarroll1990

almost every Open Marriage ends up with divorce or a tragic occurrence :yawn:

Do you have statistics to base this on? I feel as if you're just talking out of your rear.

Facts pfft.

If it is on the internet it is the truth - Abe Lincoln.

Good ole Abe and his internet quotes.

WifeNMama

If this couple insists on hiding their open marriage from their children, isn't that a clue that they think there's something wrong with it?

auroranflash

I think something's broken inside you if you can't commit completely to one person and have that be enough. Either you're with the wrong person or you have insecurities that you have to fill with promiscuity and outside attention.

Give me a happy, peaceful home with the person I love, someday maybe kids, my rescued doggies, and I will be happy.

I do want a bigger kitchen though.

So you're telling me that there is no one in the world you'd like to bang? Let's be realistic here, sure it's not for everyone but you can't say people are "broken" for having a different relationship than yours.

Yep I can, cuz that's my opinion. Lots of people have personality flaws that make them desperate and seek all the attention they can from other people, nothing is never enough for them. If you can find two people like that, you have an open relationship. It's basically telling someone 'Sorry, you're cool and all, but you're not enough for me'.

The person I love who is fulfilling in all aspects of our relationship. He's my best friend and I want not for another. Even if I did lust for someone else (say, if the relationship got boring, which it inevitably does at times), I would have more respect for him and more dignity for myself than to go running my vajayjay all over town. And I would work with him to find ways to make our relationship more interesting. Because that's what couples do, and in the long run, it makes you stronger.

:drinker: Happy Friday! :drinker:

_binary_jester_

almost every Open Marriage ends up with divorce or a tragic occurrence :yawn:

Think about law of averages. You only hear about the ones that fail...not the ones that succeed.

Was thinking the same thing as I have not seen tragedy or divorce with my friends in these types of relationships.

And seeing the level of judgement I see here, it is fully understandable if people keep it to themselves.

Maridelsol82

As an HIV Test counselor my only recommendation would to use condoms. Otherwise if they have good communication about everything then go right ahead.