Relationship Question?? Cheating.

KristysLosing

I have not cheated, I have not considered it. I have been cheated on and lied to. It was devestating. This was 10 yrs ago. I still have trust issues. It's been so hard to heal from, and I have a wonderful husband now. I think a good way to put it is if you can't tell your significant other. Kissing, having sex, sexting and emails along those lines. You should only be doing that with your significant other. Is it forgivable? I don't know. I haven't forgiven for it yet. I hope you're not asking because you are considering doing it. It's awful to be the person being cheated on...

macpatti

For the "if you can't do it in front of your husband, it's cheating" camp:

Let's say you're on a fitness website and you become "friends" with someone and start flirting with them or saying things your SO wouldn't really appreciate in PM's or even in public forums. If you don't tell your SO about it, is that cheating?

JaySpice

Just curious! What do you consider cheating in a relationship? From your answer to that, have you ever cheated or been cheated on? (I'm curious if this alters people's opinion.) What in your definition of cheating can be forgiven?

Sharing physical and emotional interactions. Like a date is cheating to me. Of course, thing vary depending on your situation. Like a lunch date with your co-worker isn't cheating unless there are feelings outside of a work relationship. If you wouldn't tell your significant other about something that you have done...it's cheating.

MFPAddict

It's 2012 people, the last year Earth will be around. Lighten up. :P

This thread desparately needed this.

jackpotclown

It really was that the relationship I had was over and couldn't get her to understand it so.

What part of, "It's over; don't call me" is hard to understand...? :laugh:

Oh you'd be surprised, this one just wouldn't get the point, and I was blatant about it. I think she either didn't take me seriously or believed she could talk/etc her way out of it.....and you know what I mean by ETC

MFPAddict

For the "if you can't do it in front of your husband, it's cheating" camp:

Let's say you're on a fitness website and you become "friends" with someone and start flirting with them or saying things your SO wouldn't really appreciate in PM's or even in public forums. If you don't tell your SO about it, is that cheating?

Yes, but can I buy you a drink? :drinker:

KimmieBrie

Oh and to add to the phone thing, our "phone honesty" has actually ruined a couple surprises for each other haha...he found out I was getting him George Strait tickets for Christmas last year and I found out he was taking me to Vegas this year...all by letting each other have access to the cell phones. Sometimes secrets are ok!

^^^^ This too - all email pushes to my phone so my husband would have know his sister got him Springsteen tix for his birthday if he had my phone last week since she forwarded me the info and txted me to make sure I made sure he didn't buy his own. Yes some secrets are OK.
Some things like this would get deleted before handing my phone to my husband... but it's not because of cheating.

TeutonicKnight

It's 2012 people, the last year Earth will be around. Lighten up. :P

This thread desparately needed this.

^^QFT! After reading a few of these my Friday feels like a Monday! BAH! I order everyone to hug the person closest to them! Or is that cheating? I just hugged the janitor.....and now I feel dirty! Get it?! HAHAHAH!

foremant86

Everyone's has different opinions on cheating, what is cheating for one couple may not be cheating for another couple...I think we all know that.

but since you asked.

cheating for ME is kissing someone else(in a more than friendly peck), having sex with someone else and texts/emails talking about having sex with someone else.


I can forgive a one time mess up, the deal breaker for me is when it continues to happen. Humans are humans and we make mistakes, but if it's a pattern then it's not a mistake and it's not likely to stop so goodbye to that person.

Yes i've been cheated on. I found my ex talking on Yahoo to a girl about what he'd like to do with her in bed and we fought and talked it out and he swore he didn't do anything with her yadda yadda yadda...so i forgave him..a few months later i found him talking to a couple other girls in the same way and I had someone telling me he did do something with a friend of his. I didn't stick around to find out if these things were true or not..i knew in my heart I couldn't trust him.

and what do ya know.....he's engaged now with a baby on the way and just last week he messaged me on facebook trying to get me to sleep with him....yea he's a sleeze. I feel sorry for his fiance, she's clueless.

ItsCasey

People are taking the cell phone thing too literally. The point is whether or not you'd feel comfortable with your SO seeing the personal phone calls and text messages you send and receive, not whether you would actually give your phone to another person for a week. I could be fired for that. But I would not feel at all uncomfortable leaving my phone with my boyfriend while I'm in the restroom or taking a nap or whatever.

I do have to say though, it amazes me how stupid people can be about their cell phones when they're cheating. Why on Earth would you keep text messages and photos and voicemails from someone you're cheating with? Why would you have their name and number programmed into your phone? Why would you keep their calls in your call log? Either because you're an idiot or because you WANT to get caught.

tashjs21

Ok.. I don't find kissing cheating. I would do it in front of my other half. He would in front of me too.
I don't find having online flirts, even sim sex cheating. My other half watches sometimes to take notes :P
We are loyal to each other, in our own ways. I know lots of people wouldn't agree with this, but it works for us.

There are some things I don't tell him about, but I have spoken about them before with him, and he has asked that I don't talk about them. I respect his wishes.

You aren't hiding it from him though, you two have this agreement and are okay with it. That is why the definition I have for cheating isn't limited to "kissing" or things specific like that because each couple is different.

Now if you needed to start sneaking around on him to see someone, then that would fall into the cheating category.

Dayna154

As much as I think Dr Phil is a tool, I think in regards to this issue, he's dead right: if you can't tell your spouse, or have him/her right there and you have to do it, what ever "it" is, behind his or her back, it's cheating.

It's really that simple.

I agree, if you feel the need to hide it, its probably cheating...
I have never cheated but was cheated on.. alcholic ex.. alcohol was his 'excuse'

Jennjenn1974

As much as I think Dr Phil is a tool, I think in regards to this issue, he's dead right: if you can't tell your spouse, or have him/her right there and you have to do it, what ever "it" is, behind his or her back, it's cheating.

It's really that simple.

Yep. Agree on all counts (including the "Dr Phil is a tool" part).

^ This

If you would be ashamed or if your partner would be hurt if they found out, it is cheating. People think it is only physical that counts but emotional cheating can be just as damaging.

All of this. In this day and age it's SO much easier to cheat on your SO that it used to be. Text messages, emails and any sort of private messages can all be deleted. You can make phone calls from another line or even get a crappy prepaid phone in order to carry out whatever conversations you want.

I have never cheated. Been cheated on before, both physically and emotionally.

Lozzielol

For the "if you can't do it in front of your husband, it's cheating" camp:

Let's say you're on a fitness website and you become "friends" with someone and start flirting with them or saying things your SO wouldn't really appreciate in PM's or even in public forums. If you don't tell your SO about it, is that cheating?

Part of me says yes, if its going to offend or hurt your SO, then its cheating because you're doing something outwith the boundaries of your relationship.

At the same time, no, because perhaps you think its harmless and dont realise that your SO would be hurt or offended.

Or perhaps you just didnt tell them because you dont mention every little thing you do. Its more likely to be cheating if you 'wont' tell them or try to cover it up.

Its difficult to say and its also likely we'll all have different opinions.

QueenJayJay

It really was that the relationship I had was over and couldn't get her to understand it so.

What part of, "It's over; don't call me" is hard to understand...? :laugh:

Oh you'd be surprised, this one just wouldn't get the point, and I was blatant about it. I think she either didn't take me seriously or believed she could talk/etc her way out of it.....and you know what I mean by ETC

Like omg, ROFL.

BAMFMeredith

Another 2 cents I'd like to add regarding cheating. Just because a person cheats, does not mean they are a bad person. I have never cheated on anyone, but I have been cheated on a few times. One of the guys who cheated on me was a total piece of ****. But one of the guys who cheated on me, was definitely not a bad guy, we were just young and didn't have any business being in that serious of a relationship in the first place. We are still great friends to this day.

My mother cheated on my father. She had an affair with the man that she is now married to. Is she a terrible person? Absolutely not. My parents' marriage was not ideal, and as much as I loved my father, he was a very difficult man to be married to. My mom ran into an old friend from high school at her 30th year high school reunion, and what began as a friendship turned into more than that. Not because she is a bad person, but because she was not getting from her marriage what she was getting from this relationship. At this point, counseling efforts had already been tried, and my parents were not in a good marriage. My sister and I could plainly see this.

When we found out my mother was cheating and our parents were getting divorced, we were both saddened but honestly, neither of us were angry with our mother. Although she went about it the wrong way and made a poor decision, I understood it. She and my father got divorced, and now she and my stepdad are very happily married, and my mom is the happiest I have ever seen her in her life.

So, are all cheaters selfish *kitten*? Absolutely not. Look to your relationship (if you are being cheated on or have been cheated on). What is lacking? This isn't always the case (some people just can't keep it in their pants) but more often than not, there is a reason people cheat.

mommy4ndbandtj

My boyfriend and I both have free access to one another's phones. If he wants to see who and what I have been texting there are no passwords into my phone and same for me. We both have facebook and email accounts as well, and have set it up with the same passwords so we can access messages and chats.

His ten year marriage ended in his wife sleeping with a married friend of theirs. Since I have nothing to hide, I have no issue. If our relationship was over, HE would be the first person I would tell. Once he was told then the passwords would change and I would take my privacy back since we are not an us anymore.

QueenJayJay

tashjs21

Would you and your partner be willing to switch cell phones for a week? If the answer is no, one of you is probably cheating.

I've not heard this one before! But it's totally true! lol

Ok, sorry, but that's dumb. I wouldn't be willing to switch cell phones for even day but it has nothing to do with cheating. I use my cell phone all the time for business, and there is confidential information pertaining to my job in emails on my phone.

Well of course there would be exceptions. Business use aside-- personal use only, would you?

Oh yeah, I mean I don't really care. If his phone is ringing and it's someone like his mom and he can't get to it, I'll answer, or he'll see my phone ping and say "hey you have a text from so and so" not really a big deal. I've actually asked him to read text messages to me while in the shower haha...but for practicality's sake, I couldn't actually swap phones with him.

My fiance and I are like that too.

In my past experience (on my end and from my ex) if someone is guarding their phone and won't let it out of their sight around you or freaks out if you pick it up for any reason...they probably have something to hide.

i wouldn't want my SO's phone for a week either, I don't want his business calls and I don't want him chatting with my girlfriends and finding out how truly weird we are. :laugh:

Lozzielol

Ok.. I don't find kissing cheating. I would do it in front of my other half. He would in front of me too.
I don't find having online flirts, even sim sex cheating. My other half watches sometimes to take notes :P
We are loyal to each other, in our own ways. I know lots of people wouldn't agree with this, but it works for us.

There are some things I don't tell him about, but I have spoken about them before with him, and he has asked that I don't talk about them. I respect his wishes.

You aren't hiding it from him though, you two have this agreement and are okay with it. That is why the definition I have for cheating isn't limited to "kissing" or things specific like that because each couple is different.

Now if you needed to start sneaking around on him to see someone, then that would fall into the cheating category.

Agreed, you've both decided the boundaries of your relationship and both (hopefully!) live within those boundaries. For each couple it will be different, what matters is that the boundaries are clear for everyone involved.

juliesummers

As much as I think Dr Phil is a tool, I think in regards to this issue, he's dead right: if you can't tell your spouse, or have him/her right there and you have to do it, what ever "it" is, behind his or her back, it's cheating.

It's really that simple.

I came here to say the same thing (for the most part)
I think that, as a general rule of thumb, if you wouldn't do it with the person there, it's immoral/not cool, but personally wouldn't consider this the standard for what's officially "cheating" in my relationship.

I think that what constitutes "cheating" is 100% up to the couple and what they've agreed is acceptable or not. In my relationships, I consider kissing on the mouth (in a non-greeting way) and sex (any type, including manual and oral) to be cheating.

If one of us was regularly doing other things with a person that we wouldn't want the other person to know about, that would be something that would need to be addressed and handled, but not something that would end our relationship.


Edit: I have never cheated on someone (by my definition), but once I was drunk at a party and a guy kissed me (I didn't want him to, and I didn't kiss him back), I started silently crying right away (don't judge - I was super drunk and 18) and broke up with my boyfriend the next day because I felt so awful about that happened and felt it wasn't fair to him.

I have been cheated WITH with one guy when I was 13ish (I was "in love" with him on and off for 5 years, and wanted his attention/affection so badly, and tricked myself into thinking that he actually wanted to be with me).

I dated a guy for a summer only to find out after we broke up that he already had a few girlfriends even before we got together, so yes, I have been cheated on, but it didn't hurt because I had already moved on.

My thing is that I don't cheat, but most of my relationships have ended because I fall for someone else that I'd much rather be with.

MFPAddict

The husband was bopping the tooth fairy? :noway:

jadesign19

When we play Scrabble, my wife uses the American dictionary and I use the English one. I think that might be cheating.

I laughed so hard at this post. Kudos to you (wait - how many points for kudos?).:laugh:
too serious a topic for a fitness site don't ya think

tashjs21

It's 2012 people, the last year Earth will be around. Lighten up. :P

IDK, Snookie is pregnant and her due date is Dec 21, 2012. The Mayans may have been on to something. :huh:

jennifermcornett

I was watching a show last night where a girl who had a boyfriend was walking into a club holding hands with a guy who wasn't her boyfriend (and he wasn't gay, either), and they had been overtly flirting with each other. I yelled out to my boyfriend right then that I would kick his a** if he ever did that. I think a friendly hug is fine, but just about anything else that involves touching at all is not okay with me. Also, any secret correspondence with the opposite sex (if you wouldn't let me read it, then you probably shouldn't write it...?) or correspondence that suggests that there should be a physical relationship would really hurt me.
Oh, and of course, that girl and guy on the show went on to make out heavily and ended up in his bed. Sad times, and now that girl's boyfriend gets to be humiliated when everyone watches the show.

ItsCasey

As for me, my first and middle boyfriends thought that they could date me along with others. Once I discovered they were dating, since they did not think it was important to tell me, I allowed the other woman to have him. Of course they both ended up losing him to other females, but I figured their doggish behavior was not something that I was needing to tolerate.

This is what I don't understand. If you want to date multiple people, just be honest about it. There's nothing wrong with casting a wide net, so to speak, as long as all parties are aware of it and okay with it. It's funny how that's exactly what "dating" was back in the '50s. Unless you were "going steady," it was assumed you were seeing other people, too. Now, people act like that's a crime against humanity, so they just lie about it.

BAMFMeredith

i wouldn't want my SO's phone for a week either, I don't want his business calls and I don't want him chatting with my girlfriends and finding out how truly weird we are. :laugh:

Hahahah YES! There are some things I talk about with my girlfriends that I'd just be EMBARRASSED for my bf to know about!

ymvestal

As much as I think Dr Phil is a tool, I think in regards to this issue, he's dead right: if you can't tell your spouse, or have him/her right there and you have to do it, what ever "it" is, behind his or her back, it's cheating.

It's really that simple.

This! And no, I never did anything that would be an issue.

BAMFMeredith

It's 2012 people, the last year Earth will be around. Lighten up. :P

IDK, Snookie is pregnant and her due date is Dec 21, 2012. The Mayans may have been on to something. :huh:

OMG. YOU ARE SO RIGHT.

jackpotclown

I was watching a show last night where a girl who had a boyfriend was walking into a club holding hands with a guy who wasn't her boyfriend (and he wasn't gay, either), and they had been overtly flirting with each other. I yelled out to my boyfriend right then that I would kick his a** if he ever did that. I think a friendly hug is fine, but just about anything else that involves touching at all is not okay with me. Also, any secret correspondence with the opposite sex (if you wouldn't let me read it, then you probably shouldn't write it...?) or correspondence that suggests that there should be a physical relationship would really hurt me.
Oh, and of course, that girl and guy on the show went on to make out heavily and ended up in his bed. Sad times, and now that girl's boyfriend gets to be humiliated when everyone watches the show.

Springer? Cheaters? Maury Povich?