When to Have the Marriage Talk
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"Why buy the cow if the milk is free."
I really don't believe that anymore, since people are free to cohabitate (and have children, i guess) without critisism these days. I think I saw a "Dr Phil" on one of the cable channels recently that addressed this very issue. I believe (I said "I believe") he advised it is a fair subject. You have the right to know what your significant other's intentions are, but limited to a yes or no if they see marriage in your future. If they say they don't, it's time to leave if that is what you want for yourself. Better hurt on your terms, rather than when you are older and it's like a sledge hammer hitting you up-side the head.
Oh, and you should say what you expect in the future. If you ask if that fits with his intentions and he says "no", time to go!0 -
If he won't discuss it, how do you know he also has marriage in mind for the future? Has he ever given any reason for why he thinks you aren't ready?
He says we're not ready financially. I agree, I'd like a couple years to get my finances together (have a big student loan), but I'd just like to know that he wants to get married at some point -- hopefully within 5-6 years, if not sooner. But yeah, he won't even discuss it. Seems like a red flag to me.
Oh, finances. You'll *never* be financially ready to get married. It's such a vague reason to not do something - marriage, baby etc. Even if you do set specific goals and strive to make them happen, more than likely those goals will change a few years down the road to being even more financially ready. Also, there will be so many bumps in the road - good as well as bad ones - that change your goals and plans of being financially ready. I guarantee it. If s/he's the one, get married and work on being financially fit together.0 -
I'm not exactly sure when the right time to discuss marriage is but if he wont discuss it with you i don't think that is the best of signs. Do you at least know that you love each other? If marriage is something you absolutely want in your near future (within the next five years) and he is the person you could see yourself marrying then you need to find out where he stands. What if he wont talk about it because he just doesn't want to do it. You don't want to waste your time.0
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I'll keep this as brief and to the point.....
There is never a time to have a "Marriage Talk". If after 2.5 years, you both don't know what you want from the other within you relationship, you need to get out of it. This based purely on experience and understanding of both relationships and how the mind & heart work. If you both don't know by now, then it means that you are not communicating enough...and if you feel you are, then someone isn't listening. This is a pattern for doom.0 -
Good morning this is a real tough one because you just said that he just got out of school and that you have big student loans so neither one of you are financially ready and a marriage/wedding is a major cost it is very demanding and if you both have bills to get in order the last thing you want to do is add to it he may only be focused on his financial standing right now.... but in real life asking for all this advise is tricky you knw your situation and only you know him so no one is really equipt to give you advise I have been married for almost six years and wht I tell my other married friends is that its your relationship/mariage and only you know when you have had enough.... when you are ready to walk cause we get those sense's and we have those it's not right feelings.... you have to be your best judge!!!!! if it stinks take out the trash if you can handle the smell then...0
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I was the one in my relationship that didn't want to get married so soon. My husband wanted to marry me after a year of being together but I wasn't mature enough then to get married. We were definitely not good financially (right out of high school). I knew I liked being with him and there weren't any red flags. I was just NOT READY. I think I had to figure out who I really was before I could make the leap. I would hardly talk about it either. Thankfully he waited for me and then eight years into our relationship we got married, and we've been married for almost eight months now. Relationship take work sometimes. You have to figure out a way to talk to him and figure out what he is really thinking, because marriage is a big step. Most think by mentioning marriage you want to get married soon. Maybe explain to him in the start of the conversation that you aren't wanting marriage soon and you know it isn't financially feasable, but you want to see where he stands with it. He may be more willing to talk about it then.0
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Time for him to MAN UP. An adult conversation about the future in an adult relationship is not asking too much. If not being able to talk about it wasn't enough, that conversation that ended with "do what you gotta do?", would have made me go where I need to go.
HUGE RED FLAGS in my opinion.
So, if he ever decides to leave, after you have stood by him thru the struggling times, he get's to use his disclaimer, I NEVER told you I was interested in marriage. He can then go start the stable life with SuzieQ.
I would explain to him again, that you need to be able to have this ADULT conversation. If he can't. I'm sorry dear, the writing is on the wall.0 -
I was with my ex for 6 years, when, at 27, I realised I wanted Marriage and Babies and he didn't! I promptly ended it, left and have never looked back. I was lucky enough to meet someone new , the best guy in the world I might add, and am now engaged.
I think the important thing is to try and talk to him. Its not done me any harm but it might have avoided complications of mortgages etc if we had known all along that we wanted different things!
I think every decision gets you to where you are, if I hadn't been with my ex all that time I might never have met my new partner so don't think of the time as wasted!0 -
A man will know if wants to marry you or think that your "wifey" material in a matter of months . 2 1/2 years is a long time and u let him get comfortable. My advice , give him a timetable ultimatum and gauge his reaction. See if he's scared to lose you.
Completely Agree w/you...I had one convo about marriage w/my hubby...told him after about 6 months of dating..I'm interesting in a relationship headed towards marriage and this was the only time I will bring it up, if I don't feel like we are headed in the same direction after some time..I will move on...about 5 months later he proposed and going on 6 years of marriage...a man knows when he wants to marry you...0 -
The right time to have the marriage talk is when you're prepared to walk away if he doesn't tell you what you want to hear.
All women say "I don't want a ring right now. I just want to know if we're both on the same page for the future." But most men don't believe that. They think if they say "Yes, I want to get married someday" you're going to take it as a green light to start planning the wedding and he's going to come home one day and find a dozen Tiffany & Co. catalogs strategically placed around his house.
I don't think you have to wait around until he brings it up if it's that important to you. But, as my mom would say, don't aim the gun unless you're willing to pull the trigger. What would you do if he said "I'm just not sure if I want to get married" or, even worse, "I don't think I really want to get married at all?" Are you ready to cut your losses and move on in either of those instances?0 -
I'm sorry...someone else brought up a good point. They asked to you love each other. .....
REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER.
Now, take off the young girl glasses (I can say this...I'm 47 and when it comes to men, I sometimes get the little girl glasses on and don't see the big things...I think we all do...everyone, male and female....not meant to be derrogatory).
Close your eyes.....
Is this the guy that you trust and love unconditionally....
If God forbid you are stricken with a terminal illness.....do you see him by your side....will he comfort and protect you....will he be your rock...
If God forbid he is stricken with a terminal illness.....will you be by his side....no matter how long...no matter how hard.....will you comfort and protect him.....are you willing to lose everything....to make him comfortable.
If you win the lottery....is he who you want to share all the winnings with.
If he wins.....are you who he wants to share all the winnings with.
Think of all the big ticket items...and listen to your HEAD! Don't romantized it.....Listen to your gut.....
There mere idea of a conversation has caused a ripple for the both of you...and one that obviously has affected you. What happens if a big ticket item comes along.....Right now his commitment is simply one of co-habitation. So, does that mean if the going gets tough, he can get going.
I hope you really think this thru, because I hate...absolultely HATE to see anyone get hurt when they are more invested in a relationship and the other person is CARELESS with the investment!0 -
A man will know if wants to marry you or think that your "wifey" material in a matter of months . 2 1/2 years is a long time and u let him get comfortable. My advice , give him a timetable ultimatum and gauge his reaction. See if he's scared to lose you.
Completely Agree w/you...I had one convo about marriage w/my hubby...told him after about 6 months of dating..I'm interesting in a relationship headed towards marriage and this was the only time I will bring it up, if I don't feel like we are headed in the same direction after some time..I will move on...about 5 months later he proposed and going on 6 years of marriage...a man knows when he wants to marry you...
I think most guys know if a woman is the type that he could marry pretty quickly, being ready to committ to it can take longer.
I knew my wife was good marriage material within the first month, but waited until 6 months to ask her to marry me.0 -
I'm sorry...someone else brought up a good point. They asked to you love each other. .....
REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER.
Now, take off the young girl glasses (I can say this...I'm 47 and when it comes to men, I sometimes get the little girl glasses on and don't see the big things...I think we all do...everyone, male and female....not meant to be derrogatory).
Close your eyes.....
Is this the guy that you trust and love unconditionally....
If God forbid you are stricken with a terminal illness.....do you see him by your side....will he comfort and protect you....will he be your rock...
If God forbid he is stricken with a terminal illness.....will you be by his side....no matter how long...no matter how hard.....will you comfort and protect him.....are you willing to lose everything....to make him comfortable.
If you win the lottery....is he who you want to share all the winnings with.
If he wins.....are you who he wants to share all the winnings with.
Think of all the big ticket items...and listen to your HEAD! Don't romantized it.....Listen to your gut.....
There mere idea of a conversation has caused a ripple for the both of you...and one that obviously has affected you. What happens if a big ticket item comes along.....Right now his commitment is simply one of co-habitation. So, does that mean if the going gets tough, he can get going.
I hope you really think this thru, because I hate...absolultely HATE to see anyone get hurt when they are more invested in a relationship and the other person is CARELESS with the investment!
EXCELLENT advice!! I literally sat here and thought through each of those statements about my own relationship, and I'm not even worried about getting married right now!0 -
I'm sorry...someone else brought up a good point. They asked to you love each other. .....
REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER.
Now, take off the young girl glasses (I can say this...I'm 47 and when it comes to men, I sometimes get the little girl glasses on and don't see the big things...I think we all do...everyone, male and female....not meant to be derrogatory).
Close your eyes.....
Is this the guy that you trust and love unconditionally....
If God forbid you are stricken with a terminal illness.....do you see him by your side....will he comfort and protect you....will he be your rock...
If God forbid he is stricken with a terminal illness.....will you be by his side....no matter how long...no matter how hard.....will you comfort and protect him.....are you willing to lose everything....to make him comfortable.
If you win the lottery....is he who you want to share all the winnings with.
If he wins.....are you who he wants to share all the winnings with.
Think of all the big ticket items...and listen to your HEAD! Don't romantized it.....Listen to your gut.....
There mere idea of a conversation has caused a ripple for the both of you...and one that obviously has affected you. What happens if a big ticket item comes along.....Right now his commitment is simply one of co-habitation. So, does that mean if the going gets tough, he can get going.
I hope you really think this thru, because I hate...absolultely HATE to see anyone get hurt when they are more invested in a relationship and the other person is CARELESS with the investment!
EXCELLENT advice!! I literally sat here and thought through each of those statements about my own relationship, and I'm not even worried about getting married right now!
this is awesome advice!!! Really search your heart b/c in marriage you will see good and bad. If you can see yourself going through the bad w/this person as well as the good, and vice versa.0 -
"Ready" what is that? Its going to be different for everyone. I met my husband at 16, engaged at 18 and married and had our first baby at 19. We celebrated our 4 th wedding anniversary this past August and my younger child turned two on Wed. Our financial stiuation is less that perfect, but we manage, and we are so increadibly happy. Our relationship is better than most that I know. But thats just us.0
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"Ready" what is that? Its going to be different for everyone. I met my husband at 16, engaged at 18 and married and had our first baby at 19. We celebrated our 4 th wedding anniversary this past August and my younger child turned two on Wed. Our financial stiuation is less that perfect, but we manage, and we are so increadibly happy. Our relationship is better than most that I know. But thats just us.
I think "Ready" is different for everyone. I wanted to mature and get through college before getting married, and I'm very thankful for having a husband (boyfriend then) that allowed me to have that space. I love him all the more for it.
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Why would he want to get married? What benefit does get get out of this one?
Do you live with him? Are you saving yourself for marriage?
Its like having your cake, and eating it too.
I have to disagree with this. I think it is circumstantial. I'll humiliate myself to further my case haha. My ex boyfriend and I had sex after knowing each other one month. He's the only person I have ever been with, but we also lived with each other for around 2 years. He often spoke of marriage, starting a family, etc. I liked the idea of marriage, but when things got rocky, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him forever. I also was on the fence about ever having kids (decided it's not for me).
Anyway, here are some possible reasons he might not want to talk about marriage:
-the above scenario in quotes (although it wasn't my case, it could be yours)
-he doesn't want to get married EVER (maybe his parent's had a bad marriage or he is a commitment-phoebe)
-he isn't sure if you are the one he wants to marry yet
-he associates marriage with being a REAL adult and still wants to live-up his 20's (doesn't understand you can be married and still do so).
-his friends aren't married (wants to fit in with his friends).
-he associates marriage with kids and is either not ready to have kids or never wants kids
-he is scared you will find out that he doesn't want kids, and you'll leave.
-he doesn't realize that just because people get engaged, doesn't mean they have to get married straight-away.
-he doesn't have the money to give you the ring you want, or the wedding he would like.
-he is going to propose soon, and wants you to be surprised when he does it. Maybe he is scared it will slip if you talk and it gets argumentative.
-he doesn't believe in marriage at this age.
I hope this helps! One thing my mom always told me: Reevaluate a relationship every 6 months. Another thing she told me, however: Don't get married before 2 years of knowing each other/dating.
:flowerforyou:0 -
It doesn't sound like "We aren't ready" as much as "He isn't ready."
And, you won't be able to change that opinion, but if you two can't communicate about this, that's bad news.
I gave my BF a deadline. I don't recommend that. I'm divorced
My old college girlfriend of 4 years gave me a deadline. The night of the deadline she gave me the boot. A year later I went to her wedding. But I've been happily married to another woman for 22 years. She's divorced. Not sure what my point is. LOL
BTW, I just love that boob shirt in your avatar.
:blushing: Why thank you 0 -
Here's my 2 cents, take it or leave it.
1st cent
Are you happy? Do you enjoy being with him? Then shut up and let things happen. Keep nagging him about it and it's going to become an issue and the more issues, the sooner you guys will split up. Marriage is just a piece of paper. Divorce happens for 1 out of every 2 marriages. if you're going to be with him, be with him. You either accept him for who he is, or you move on. He's being honest with you that he's not ready to discuss this topic. Why don't you respect his feelings? Why does he have to change for you?
2nd cent
You are both too young to get married. Research and see how many couples that are married in their mid-20s are divorced before their mid-30s. You're still trying to figure out how to live your life in the post-college world. Enjoy each day and quit trying to rush to the "Happily Ever After" fairytale.
BTW.. yes, I'm a woman.0 -
It doesn't sound like "We aren't ready" as much as "He isn't ready."
And, you won't be able to change that opinion, but if you two can't communicate about this, that's bad news.
I gave my BF a deadline. I don't recommend that. I'm divorced
Well the shirt is great and by your comments you know your original deadline idea doesn't work. I do agree that if they can't discuss it that is a problem. And yes I love the shirt.0
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