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A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...0
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A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."0 -
A sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks, “How’d you end up with a peg leg?”
“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate, “and a shark bit off me whole leg!”
“Wow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”
“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship and I got into a sword fight. The guy cut off me arm!”
“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”
“A seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.
“Uh, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.
Embarrassed, the pirate answered, “It was me first day with the hook.”0 -
an anmesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender "do I come here often..?"0
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a three footed dog walks into a bar and says "Im lookin for the guy that shot my paw.."0
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A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar...
a sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
Charles ****ens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
a corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says "wanna hear a joke?', the corn stalk says "I'm all ears!"
A five dollar bill walks into a bar.
bartender says, "Get outta here !! We don't serve your type, This is a singles bar"
A set of jumper cables walk into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll serve ya, but don't start anything."
A rabbi, priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.
the bartender says,"what is this, some kinda joke?"
a chicken walks into a bar.
bartender says 'we don't serve poultry'
chicken says 'thats okay, I just want a drink'0 -
Why do women gain weight after they get married?
Answer: A single woman comes home, looks in the fridge, shrugs, and goes to bed.
A married woman comes home, looks in the bed, and goes to the fridge.
AAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!0 -
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
hahaha nice!!!0 -
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
hahaha nice!!!
and he orders a nuttery bipple!0 -
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.0
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:laugh:0
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The bum on a street
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"0 -
Be politically correct
How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE0 -
Be politically correct
How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
HA! :laugh:0 -
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.0
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A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"0 -
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
hahahaha!0 -
:ohwell: how do you give shoulders:laugh:A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"0 -
Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard prostitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free."
The man starts packing his suitcase.
Wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm coming to just to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."
:laugh:
I'm having waaay to much fun here! :laugh: 0 -
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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