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  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
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    I just stole this from Trouble2

    Why dont Japanese get Cataracts?






    Because they drive Rexus's...
  • icandoallthings
    icandoallthings Posts: 1,212 Member
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    Ok... this is kinda bad but I can't help it! :laugh:
    I heard it a couple weeks ago and was *cracking* up!


    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

    Gynecological Mechanic

    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a Mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had made a score of 150%.

    Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

    The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” “I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.”

    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • molsongirl
    molsongirl Posts: 1,373 Member
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    Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
    A. Money
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
    A. Money

    I thought the answer was Matthew McConaughey. :love:
  • molsongirl
    molsongirl Posts: 1,373 Member
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    :laugh: hey that's an even better answer!
  • rubberjonnie
    rubberjonnie Posts: 4,171
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    What do you call a dog with 5 ****s...

    Take That and Lou Lou....
  • rubberjonnie
    rubberjonnie Posts: 4,171
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    Where do Whales go to get weighed

    At a Whale Weigh Station.....
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    :laugh:
  • FitJoani
    FitJoani Posts: 2,173 Member
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    im lazy and didnt read them all so this may be on there....
    a mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says we dont serve your kind here and the mushroom says why not im a FUN-GI
  • FitJoani
    FitJoani Posts: 2,173 Member
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    24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
    there was a beer confrence in germany and three major beer presidents were there coors budwieser and guiness...after along day of meetings they go to a pub to unwind. the coors pres walks in and says ill take something as strong and majestic as the rockies ill have a coors...next buds prez walks in says ill talke a powerful beautiful beer like a cyldsdale gimme a budwieser bartender pours them up. finally guiness' president walks in and sits down says ill have a coke...bartender looks a little taken back pours it up and asks why??? Guiness' president says i figured if they arent driniking beer why should i????
  • molsongirl
    molsongirl Posts: 1,373 Member
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    Q. How are tornadoes and marriages alike?
    A. They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house :laugh:
  • Ahmee2034
    Ahmee2034 Posts: 1,330 Member
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    This one is kinda inappropriate. If you go to church, sorry... I still love Jesus.

    So this man hadn't been to church in years and decides to show up one sunday. After the service he starts to walk towards the exit, where the reverend is shaking hands with other church members.
    As he approaches the pastor, he extends his hand and says "Reverend.... I haven't been to church in years. I just have to say...that was one of the best damn services I've heard in years." The pastor is kinda thrown back by his statement and replies "Well thank you very much, but I don't think the good Lord would appreciate that kinda language in His house...." The man cuts the reverend off mid-sentence and explains ".....Ahhhhh Reverend, I mean really.... I haven't come to church in so many years and this is the first time I've felt challenged. That was just the best DAMN sermon!!" At this point, other people are kinda shocked at the vulgarity of the man. The pastor tries to calm him down, "Well I'm so glad your this excited, but again, I just don't think the good Lord would be very happy with....." The man cuts him off again and says "It was just so damn good I dropped 500 dollars in the damn collection plate." The pastor steps back and responds "NO *kitten*!?!?"

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ROFLMAO!!!!:drinker: :tongue: :tongue:
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    Q. How are tornadoes and marriages alike?
    A. They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house :laugh:


    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • rubberjonnie
    rubberjonnie Posts: 4,171
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    How do you make a snow plough out of a dishwasher....??????

    give her a shovel and send her outside to clear the path..... boom boom!!!
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    How do you make a snow plough out of a dishwasher....??????

    give her a shovel and send her outside to clear the path..... boom boom!!!

    oh no you di'int. :laugh:
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

    When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

    Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
    P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
  • cellorocker
    cellorocker Posts: 290
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    An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

    When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

    Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
    P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

    LOL, I've heard that one before. I love it.


    Andddd...


    Why do seagulls live by the sea?

    Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be baygulls!
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
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    How do you make a snow plough out of a dishwasher....??????

    give her a shovel and send her outside to clear the path..... boom boom!!!

    oh Jonnie, say it isn't so!
  • icandoallthings
    icandoallthings Posts: 1,212 Member
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    How do you make a snow plough out of a dishwasher....??????

    give her a shovel and send her outside to clear the path..... boom boom!!!

    oh Jonnie, say it isn't so!

    ooooohhh that's bad! LOL! :noway: :laugh:

    on the lighter side...

    How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
    He’s the one with the sesame seed buns!

    :tongue:

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