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  • pipinana
    pipinana Posts: 2,356 Member
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    As Men Age...

    As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

    My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating.

    I asked her why.

    She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

    Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

    The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

    MORAL OF THE STORY -

    Not all Irish are drunks,
    not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.
  • rubberjonnie
    rubberjonnie Posts: 4,171
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    Horse walks into a bar...

    Bar Man says.................... Why the long face......!




    Bear Walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says.....

    Can i have a.............................................................................................................................................
    Beer please
    Barman says why the big paws.....




    A mint walks into the bar and goes straight up to the bartender and demands a drink.... the bar tender calls the bouncer over and says quick throw him out. ~As the mint was getting dragged out he shouts back to the bar tender... "oi why are you throwing me out???" Bar tender says cause your menthol......!!



    2 tomatoes in a race and the one winning turns to the other and says..... Ketchup
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

    A: It was the chicken's day off. :bigsmile:
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    A man receives a call from his Credit CardCompany, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your Card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
    “Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
  • icandoallthings
    icandoallthings Posts: 1,212 Member
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    What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind after it
    hits the windshield of a car going 75 mph?

    it's b***hole

    :laugh: :bigsmile: :laugh:
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind after it
    hits the windshield of a car going 75 mph?

    it's b***hole

    :laugh: :bigsmile: :laugh:

    LOL!
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
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    TICK ALERT!!!

    This is the time of year to think of ticks once again.

    If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
    They only want to see you naked.

    I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
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    THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE. THEY MAKE SUCH PERFECT SENSE OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!


    A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


    On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

    However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.


    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"


    The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."


    The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"


    "Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."


    The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.

    How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"


    The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"


    The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
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    > > *Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of
    > > Purina dog chow
    > > for my loyal pet, Reno, the Wonder Dog and was in the
    > > checkout line
    > > when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    > >
    > > What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm
    > > retired and have
    > > little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
    > > have a dog, I was
    > > starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
    > > shouldn't,
    > > because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
    > > I'd lost 50
    > > pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
    > > tubes coming out
    > > of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    > >
    > > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
    > > that the way that
    > > it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
    > > nuggets and simply
    > > eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
    > > nutritionally
    > > complete so it works well and I was going to try it
    > > again. (I have to
    > > mention here that practically everyone in line was now
    > > enthralled with
    > > my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
    > > intensive care because
    > > the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a
    > > curb to sniff
    > > an Irish Setter's *kitten* and a car hit us both.
    > >
    > > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
    > > attack he was
    > > laughing so hard.
    > >
    > > Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
    > >
    > > Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all
    > > the time in the
    > > world to think of crazy things to say.
  • jess_h_2
    jess_h_2 Posts: 49
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    This one was told to me by my 8 year old step-son. LOL.

    Have you ever wondered how to catch a polar bear?

    You put peas around his fishing hole and when he bends over to eat them you kick him in the ice hole.
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    > > *Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of
    > > Purina dog chow
    > > for my loyal pet, Reno, the Wonder Dog and was in the
    > > checkout line
    > > when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    > >
    > > What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm
    > > retired and have
    > > little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
    > > have a dog, I was
    > > starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
    > > shouldn't,
    > > because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
    > > I'd lost 50
    > > pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
    > > tubes coming out
    > > of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    > >
    > > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
    > > that the way that
    > > it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
    > > nuggets and simply
    > > eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
    > > nutritionally
    > > complete so it works well and I was going to try it
    > > again. (I have to
    > > mention here that practically everyone in line was now
    > > enthralled with
    > > my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
    > > intensive care because
    > > the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a
    > > curb to sniff
    > > an Irish Setter's *kitten* and a car hit us both.
    > >
    > > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
    > > attack he was
    > > laughing so hard.
    > >
    > > Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
    > >
    > > Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all
    > > the time in the
    > > world to think of crazy things to say.

    ROFL! :laugh:
  • d5d14m66
    d5d14m66 Posts: 150 Member
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    A 90-year-old man's friends sent him a call girl for his birthday. When the man answered the door, the woman said, "Happy Birthday! I'm here to give you super sex!"

    The man said, "Thanks, I'll have the soup."
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
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    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his
    check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.
    You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather
    have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is
    excellent.. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
    old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his
    beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008
    Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
    Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll
    also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
    holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will
    also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
    sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
    rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment
    with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage
    will be designated for your sole use and the salary is
    $200,000 a year."

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin'
    me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . You started it!"
  • jess_h_2
    jess_h_2 Posts: 49
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    hehe. too funny!!
  • jess_h_2
    jess_h_2 Posts: 49
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    Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
  • jess_h_2
    jess_h_2 Posts: 49
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    Why do men name their penises?
    Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.


    How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.

    Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
    To knock the penises off the smart ones.
  • rubberjonnie
    rubberjonnie Posts: 4,171
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    Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

    A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions
  • rubberjonnie
    rubberjonnie Posts: 4,171
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    Chinese for dummies......!

    That's not right...
    Sum Ting Wong

    Are you harboring a fugitive?...
    Hu Yu Hai Ding?

    See me ASAP...
    Kum Hia Nao

    Stupid Man...
    Dum Gai

    Small Horse...
    Tai Ni Po Ni

    Did you go to the beach?...
    Wai Yu So Tan?

    I bumped into a coffee table...
    Ai Bang Mai Ni

    I think you need a face lift...
    Chin Tu Fat

    It's very dark in here...
    Wai So Dim?

    I thought you were on a diet...
    Wai Yu Mun Ching?

    This is a tow away zone...
    No Pah King

    Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
    Wai Yu Kum Nao?

    Staying out of sight...
    Lei Ying Lo

    He's cleaning his automobile...
    Wa Shing Ka

    Your body odor is offensive...
    Yu Stin Ki Pu
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
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    Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

    A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions



    L:laugh: L

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