Find a Joke.....Add a Joke

icandoallthings

I apologize in advance (this is really bad/gross but I have
sick humor)... :blushing:
One of my favs:



B.B. King's wife decides that she is going to make his birthday especially memorable this year. So she goes out and gets B.B.'s initials tattooed on her butt, one letter on each cheek.

After his big birthday dinner with friends at a fancy restaurant, they go home. As soon as B.B. sits down in his favorite chair, his wife walks up to him and announces, "I have a big surprise for you."

With that, she turns around, pulls up her dress, drops her underwear, and bends over.

B.B. stares for a moment at her butt and asks, "Who's Bob?"

shutterbug4674

I apologize in advance (this is really bad/gross but I have
sick humor)... :blushing:
One of my favs:



B.B. King's wife decides that she is going to make his birthday especially memorable this year. So she goes out and gets B.B.'s initials tattooed on her butt, one letter on each cheek.

After his big birthday dinner with friends at a fancy restaurant, they go home. As soon as B.B. sits down in his favorite chair, his wife walks up to him and announces, "I have a big surprise for you."

With that, she turns around, pulls up her dress, drops her underwear, and bends over.

B.B. stares for a moment at her butt and asks, "Who's Bob?"

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

fitgal411

Dumb Blonde Joke . . . (not to offend any blondes - I'm a brunette, but I don't know if I would like "dumb brunette jokes"!:laugh: )

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were on the stairway to heaven. There were 100 stairs. St. Peter told them a joke on each stair. If they laughed, they couldn't go to heaven. The rehead laughed on the 36th step. The brunette laughed on the 60th step. The blonde was on the 99th step . . . as St. Peter was about to tell the joke that would get her into heaven, she started laughing. St. Peter said, "What are you laughing at?" The blonde said, "I just got the 1st one!"

czewwhat

cant post the video here but here is the link, it will make you laugh for sure!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k&annotation_id=annotation_72265&feature=iv

icandoallthings

cant post the video here but here is the link, it will make you laugh for sure!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k&annotation_id=annotation_72265&feature=iv

I LOVED THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna watch it again.... :happy:

shutterbug4674

LMAO :laugh:

czewwhat

World's Heaviest Element, Governmentium (Gv) Discovered!!!
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it
an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When
catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has
half as many peons but twice as many morons.

shutterbug4674

very cute

czewwhat

Here is a cute letter ..... kind of funny if you ask me!

Letter from a Granddad:



John is 63 years old and owns his own business. He is a life-long Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year is now all but gone. With the stock market crashing and all the new taxes coming his way, John knows he will be working for a good number more years.



John has a Granddaughter. Ashley is a recent college grad. She drives a late model car, wears all the latest fashions, and also likes going out and eating out a lot. Ashley campaigned hard for Obama, and after he won the election she made sure her Grandfather (and all other Republican family members) received more than an earful on how the world is going to be a much better place now that Obama won the election.

Ashley recently found herself short of cash and cannot pay her bills, again. As she has done many other times in the past, she e-mailed her Grandfather asking for some financial help. Here is his reply:

"Sweetheart,

I am replying to your request for more money. Ashley, you know I love you dearly and am sympathetic to your financial plight. Unfortunately, times have changed. With the election of President Obama, your Grandmother and I have had to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own....the 'Ashley Economic Plan'. Let me explain. Your grandmother and I are highly productive, wage-earning tax payers. As you know, we have lived a comfortable life and in return have forgone many things like fancy vacations, luxury cars, etc. We have worked hard and were looking forward to retiring soon. But this plan has changed. Your president is significantly raising our personal and business taxes. He says it is so he can give our hard earned money to other people. Do you know what this means, Ashley? It means less income for us. Less income means we must cut back on many business and personal expenditures. One example is, we were forced to let go of our receptionist today. You know her. She always gave you candy when you visited my office. Did you know she worked for us for the past 18 years? I can't afford her anymore.

That is a taste of the business side. Some personal economic affects of Obama's new taxation policies include none other than you. You know very well that over the years your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance, food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc., etc. By your vote, you have chosen another family over ours for help. Judging from your Email requesting more money, I recommend you call 202-456-1111. That is the direct telephone number for the White House. You yourself repeatedly told me I was foolish to vote Republican. You said Mr. Obama is going to be the people's president and is going to help every American live a better life. Based upon everything you have told me and things we heard from him as he campaigned, I am sure Mr. Obama will be happy to send a check or transfer money into your checking account. Have him call me for the transaction and account numbers, which by now I know by heart.

Perhaps you now can understand what I have been saying for all my life: those who vote for the president should consider what the impact of an election will be on the nation as a whole, and not just be concerned with what they can get for themselves (welfare, etc.). What Obama voters don't seem to realize is all of the "government's" money he is 'redistributing' to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans (deemed "less fortunate") comes from tax money collected from income tax-paying families. Remember how you told me, "Only the richest of the rich will be affected"? Guess what, honey? Because of our business, your Grandmother and I are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it might look that way. But in the real world, we are far from it. But, as you said while campaigning for Obama, some people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America can prosper. You understand what that means, right? It means that raising taxes on productive people results in them having less money. Less money for everything, including granddaughters.

Congratulations on your choice for "change". For future reference, I encourage you to attempt to add up the total value of the gifts and money you've received from us over the years, and compare it to what you expect to get over the next four years from Mr. Obama.

Remember, we love you dearly... but from now on you'll need to call the number referenced above when you need help.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Love,

Grandpa

Johnnyswife

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw --especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

GTOgirl1969

"Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and
Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

___________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain
about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife
1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files
from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your
Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work
on improving the situation. I suggest installing the
background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the
command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will
have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be
very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs,
such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills >4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system to
launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0
is to purchase additional software. I recommend
Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances,
install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is > not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support"

shutterbug4674

LMAO! :laugh:

shutterbug4674

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

czewwhat

Okay here is my contribution, gotta love #11

Why we love children
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found, ' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

cellorocker

Oh my god, I've got to email these to my dad. I'm laughing so hard.

czewwhat

Oh my god, I've got to email these to my dad. I'm laughing so hard.

Thanks

shutterbug4674

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

LOL! :laugh:

fitgal411

bump!

happilytaken2009

Got this sent to me years ago...and I keep it because it's always made me laugh everytime I read it!?!?



A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
>> Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
>> but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
>>
>> After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about
>> women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm
>> a woman.
>>
>> Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
>> This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
>> live together in peace for the rest of our days'.
>>
>> Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely;
>> this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women
>> shouldn't!
>> be allowed to drive.
>>
>> The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My
>> car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
>> God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
>>
>> Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
>> agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
>> the
>> woman.
>>
>> The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
>> hands it back to the man.
>>
>> The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
>>
>> The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'
>>
>> MORAL OF THE STORY:
>> Women are clever, evil *****es. Don't mess with us.
>>
>>

shutterbug4674

*no comment on the grounds that I'll be beaten* :glasses:

czewwhat

*no comment on the grounds that I'll be beaten* :glasses:

Smart man! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

czewwhat

I just stole this from another thread!

shutterbug4674

Are those the Mighty Mites? :laugh:

dkell

Okay here is my contribution, gotta love #11

Why we love children
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found, ' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

These are great stories!! Love em!!! Actually copied and pasted and sent them to my minister!!

shutterbug4674

We get some great ones! :laugh:

Blossom01

hahahahahahaha these are so :laugh: :laugh: funny :laugh:

cfwright6

This thread is so funny! We need more jokes!
Here is one:

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk and had sex with a peacock once. I was just wondering if you were my son"

dkell

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Saken

A sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks, “How’d you end up with a peg leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate, “and a shark bit off me whole leg!”

“Wow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship and I got into a sword fight. The guy cut off me arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Uh, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarrassed, the pirate answered, “It was me first day with the hook.”

classy

shutterbug4674

:laugh: