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I just stole this from Trouble2
Why dont Japanese get Cataracts?
Because they drive Rexus's...0 -
Ok... this is kinda bad but I can't help it! :laugh:
I heard it a couple weeks ago and was *cracking* up!
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Gynecological Mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a Mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had made a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” “I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.”
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money0 -
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money
I thought the answer was Matthew McConaughey.
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:laugh: hey that's an even better answer!0
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What do you call a dog with 5 ****s...
Take That and Lou Lou....0 -
Where do Whales go to get weighed
At a Whale Weigh Station.....0 -
:laugh:0
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im lazy and didnt read them all so this may be on there....
a mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says we dont serve your kind here and the mushroom says why not im a FUN-GI0 -
there was a beer confrence in germany and three major beer presidents were there coors budwieser and guiness...after along day of meetings they go to a pub to unwind. the coors pres walks in and says ill take something as strong and majestic as the rockies ill have a coors...next buds prez walks in says ill talke a powerful beautiful beer like a cyldsdale gimme a budwieser bartender pours them up. finally guiness' president walks in and sits down says ill have a coke...bartender looks a little taken back pours it up and asks why??? Guiness' president says i figured if they arent driniking beer why should i????24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.0 -
Q. How are tornadoes and marriages alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house :laugh:0 -
This one is kinda inappropriate. If you go to church, sorry... I still love Jesus.
So this man hadn't been to church in years and decides to show up one sunday. After the service he starts to walk towards the exit, where the reverend is shaking hands with other church members.
As he approaches the pastor, he extends his hand and says "Reverend.... I haven't been to church in years. I just have to say...that was one of the best damn services I've heard in years." The pastor is kinda thrown back by his statement and replies "Well thank you very much, but I don't think the good Lord would appreciate that kinda language in His house...." The man cuts the reverend off mid-sentence and explains ".....Ahhhhh Reverend, I mean really.... I haven't come to church in so many years and this is the first time I've felt challenged. That was just the best DAMN sermon!!" At this point, other people are kinda shocked at the vulgarity of the man. The pastor tries to calm him down, "Well I'm so glad your this excited, but again, I just don't think the good Lord would be very happy with....." The man cuts him off again and says "It was just so damn good I dropped 500 dollars in the damn collection plate." The pastor steps back and responds "NO *kitten*!?!?"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ROFLMAO!!!!:drinker:
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Q. How are tornadoes and marriages alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house :laugh:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
How do you make a snow plough out of a dishwasher....??????
give her a shovel and send her outside to clear the path..... boom boom!!!0 -
How do you make a snow plough out of a dishwasher....??????
give her a shovel and send her outside to clear the path..... boom boom!!!
oh no you di'int. :laugh:0 -
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.0 -
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
LOL, I've heard that one before. I love it.
Andddd...
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be baygulls!0 -
How do you make a snow plough out of a dishwasher....??????
give her a shovel and send her outside to clear the path..... boom boom!!!
oh Jonnie, say it isn't so!0 -
How do you make a snow plough out of a dishwasher....??????
give her a shovel and send her outside to clear the path..... boom boom!!!
oh Jonnie, say it isn't so!
ooooohhh that's bad! LOL! :noway: :laugh:
on the lighter side...
How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
He’s the one with the sesame seed buns! 0 -
As Men Age...
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."0 -
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.0 -
Horse walks into a bar...
Bar Man says.................... Why the long face......!
Bear Walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says.....
Can i have a.............................................................................................................................................
Beer please
Barman says why the big paws.....
A mint walks into the bar and goes straight up to the bartender and demands a drink.... the bar tender calls the bouncer over and says quick throw him out. ~As the mint was getting dragged out he shouts back to the bar tender... "oi why are you throwing me out???" Bar tender says cause your menthol......!!
2 tomatoes in a race and the one winning turns to the other and says..... Ketchup0 -
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off. :bigsmile:0 -
A man receives a call from his Credit CardCompany, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your Card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”0 -
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind after it
hits the windshield of a car going 75 mph?
it's b***hole
:laugh: :bigsmile: :laugh:0 -
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind after it
hits the windshield of a car going 75 mph?
it's b***hole
:laugh: :bigsmile: :laugh:
LOL!0 -
TICK ALERT!!!
This is the time of year to think of ticks once again.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.0 -
THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE. THEY MAKE SUCH PERFECT SENSE OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."0 -
> > *Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of
> > Purina dog chow
> > for my loyal pet, Reno, the Wonder Dog and was in the
> > checkout line
> > when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
> > What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm
> > retired and have
> > little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
> > have a dog, I was
> > starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
> > shouldn't,
> > because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
> > I'd lost 50
> > pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
> > tubes coming out
> > of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
> > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
> > that the way that
> > it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
> > nuggets and simply
> > eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
> > nutritionally
> > complete so it works well and I was going to try it
> > again. (I have to
> > mention here that practically everyone in line was now
> > enthralled with
> > my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
> > intensive care because
> > the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a
> > curb to sniff
> > an Irish Setter's *kitten* and a car hit us both.
> >
> > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
> > attack he was
> > laughing so hard.
> >
> > Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
> >
> > Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all
> > the time in the
> > world to think of crazy things to say.0
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