Find a Joke.....Add a Joke

d5d14m66

Did you hear the one about the blonde who was so dumb, the other blondes noticed?

euphoria11

LOVE IT!!!

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband orderedher a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get
it wrong.

molsongirl

bumping, I gotta few, mostly x-rated:laugh: , gotta edit...i'll be back...muahahahaha!

czewwhat

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who
demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in
congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the
following findings: The stamp is in perfect order.

There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

People are spitting on the wrong side.

czewwhat

Stay !!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local Shopping Centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,

'Why don't you just put it in park ?

czewwhat

Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

pipinana

You guys heard of Irish Bean Soup? Apparently there's exactily 239 beans in each bowl.... If there was one more it'd be two farty.... :laugh: :laugh:

Hubby just told me that one..

Juicey1401

Don't know if you heard it before but here goes...

"Twenty Four Hours To Live"

A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling," she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and says to her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know...you don't have to get up in the morning, BUT I DO!!

tabchanges

A lady I was talking to the other day asked me how to spell 'orange'.


I know that's not a joke.... but her education clearly was.

cellorocker

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street?

ONE WAS ASSAULTED!

czewwhat

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an a**hole!'
and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an a**hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an a**hole!'
and hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first *kitten*
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an a**hole!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two *kitten* to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called a**hole #1.

He said,
'Hello.'

I said,
'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'

I said,
'Make me,'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'*kitten*, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,'
and hung up.

Then I called A**hole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, a**hole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your a**,'

I answered,
'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .


I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..

I got there just in time to watch two a**holes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

czewwhat

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

czewwhat

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?"
" First Place !," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
"I'm entering," says Pinocchio. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

shutterbug4674

those are so funny! :laugh:

Dave198lbs

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.

kat05317

what lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?


A nervous wreck.

shutterbug4674

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Dave198lbs

If a bagpipe and a piccolo were dropped out of a 20 story window, which one would hit the ground first?


Who cares

molsongirl

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness



Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!



HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart

molsongirl

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'