Need mens honest thoughts

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  • JNick77
    JNick77 Posts: 3,783 Member
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    Physical is not everything but definitely part of it.
  • LovingLisa2012
    LovingLisa2012 Posts: 802 Member
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    here is my story
    when i started talking to hubby i was 245 (we met online, he told me he wouldn't be with anyone over 250)
    by the time we met in person i was in 190s

    my highest was 312 (August 2011)

    we have been together since October 2nd 1999 (married April 14,2001)

    and ya know what . he still acts like a damn teenage around me :blushing: (he is 43 ) :laugh:

    we can't go out in public without him trying to get free feels and making comments if i bend over ..
    and at home, ihe is very touchy feely etc (not complaining)

    he loves me for me, yes he wants me to be healthy and is supporting me with my choices, but he still shows me every day he is attracted to me at 300 +

    just my 2 cents
  • Inebriated
    Inebriated Posts: 271
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    This is an immensely sensitive topic.

    If your man finds you more physically attractive carrying less weight, that does not make him a bad person, jerk, or shallow thinker.
    And in fact, it's a very common way for most people to feel:
    "Fit" very simply is generally more attractive than not.

    I'm not sure that it's right to skirt around that very simple fact.
  • Wreak_Havoc
    Wreak_Havoc Posts: 597
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    Men are slightly retarded when it comes to things like this.

    :explode: :angry: :grumble:

    i said "slightly" LOL :bigsmile: :heart: :flowerforyou:

    Even the modified "slightly" is a slight on men. There are some who are genuine, caring and love their women for who they are on the inside. I know plenty of women who are more looks conscious than some of the sweet men I know. Such a double standard for women to be able to make these comments - far less tolerated when a guy does it back. Sigh.

    Think you misunderstood what I was aiming at. I wasn't referring to them being retarded in wanting the supermodel type... It was to the fact that most (most.. not all) men have a harder time talking to their spouse about things like weight loss, as they find it difficult to help without saying something that could be hurtful. Which is probably the reason the OPs hubby went the google route.

    I'm a guy and I have to agree that some things I am guilty of being slightly retarded. And there are a few things about women that I need a helmet and short bus for! :sad:

    As for the original topic, to the OP. Have you just sat down and asked him point blank what he feels and what he is willing to do the help you to {AS YOU DO THIS FOR YOU} get back the the body style you feel best with.

    My wife is a little, MAYBE 20, over where she waswhen we met, but I love her even more now than when I met her.
  • LilRedRooster
    LilRedRooster Posts: 1,421 Member
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    What a bunch of silly replies. I especially like the ones geared toward "He should just accept you as you are"...what a crock.

    When you get married, you make an investment....not a simple one that may or may not pay out over a period of time, not a temporary one that you can recover from if it backfires, but a full life-time investment. In order to live a full life without a lot of health issues, you certainly need to be healthy. We all know we can reach the end of our life prematurely about a zillion different ways without us being at fault for anything. Being unhealthy certainly stacks the odds up even higher...and you can't even begin to think of living happy in the golden years if you don't plan for it now, and part of that planning is doing preventive maintenance on your own body. Getting into shape, staying there, are bold challenges, but ones that are easy to achieve by maintaining yourself.
    He has a very active life-style, the military is like that (I was in the Marines in the mid-80s...so I know) I think what he is asking you to do is to stay in shape so you two can have an active, healthy life together for many years to come, and nothing more than that.
    He is thinking of the future. We all should.

    That. Totally.

    I get pissed of when people say things like "He should just accept you, no matter what." Marriage is not unconditional. You marry someone with the conditions they won't cheat, won't abuse you, will support you as a person, and will do their best to be around for you. You do the same. It's not an unconditional agreement, because if it were, divorce wouldn't need to exist.

    I would accept my partner getting a bit bigger, or changing physically, to a point. If I felt like his changing were really a health detriment, in that his choices would limit his time with me and my daughter, I would be worried, not as attracted to him, and would try and help him change. Perhaps your partner is worried about the same thing. Not about you "looking" a certain way, but actively maintaining a lifestyle that would ensure you two can survive the rest of your lives together, and be happy.
  • huntindawg1962
    huntindawg1962 Posts: 277 Member
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    Gosh, are you even sure he "Googled" it? Google also does the auto-fill in now that all you do is start typing anything and it brings up the most common searches that match what you are starting to type.

    I guess I would say to start without the "presumed guilty" approach and dig in (in case you did not mention that on the 5 pages of this thread and I skimmed over it).
  • belgerian
    belgerian Posts: 1,059 Member
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    This was my wife and I but it was her trying to get me to excersise and loose weight.. I have no fixes only my story. I started hitting the gym with her, I saw that this was becoming a part of her life and wanted to be a part of it. Then I had some suspecians and then found out she was starting to form relationships with other men. I used to run alot while in the military so thats what I started doing then my father died and some other stressful situations. I turned to running for my stress reliever along the way I started eating better and lost weight. Since then weve had other situations arise that turn out had nothing to do with me or my weight at the time becouse now I am at a healthy 185, I can easily run 8-12 miles and easily pass the APT test for a 18 year old. We are still working on things and still married. She too would make comments about how heavy other ppl are and still does.
    To be honest for him it is easier to stay in shape when you have mandatory PT 5 days a week starting at 6am. You can pretty much eat all those calories back and not even pay attention. Not to mention the physical demands of his MOS. Im not making excuses for you either becouse most posts have a gym if you want also if he is deployed you are a single parent while he is gone so it is harder for you. I just wish you the best. You need to do it for you. I dont run for my wife I dont eat better for my wife. If anything I do it for my kids and myself I like the way I feel I like being able to go for a 2 hour run, I like the strenght it gives me. It does not and did not happen overnight.
  • SirZee
    SirZee Posts: 381
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    ...mandatory PT 5 days a week starting at 6am.....

    Lucky you. We were done by 6:00am with PT(45min) and shower(30 sec), getting ready for 6:30 inspection.
  • jenluvsushi
    jenluvsushi Posts: 933 Member
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    Just my 2 cents.....when I am feeling good about myself, I am sexy to my hubby because I feel sexy. Maybe your hubby feels the same way? If I am feeling good about the way I look, I am happy and fun to be around like when we first met. I want to go places, I laugh more and I dress cuter. When I am feeling fat, I am depressed and generally a drag to be around. This is why my hubby wants me to lose weight....not because he isn't attracted to me (I can't beat him off of me with a stick fat or thin) but because I am unhappy and depressed when I am overweight. I think your hubby loves you and he just wants his old sexy girlfriend back....that's you by the way!
  • Angie80281
    Angie80281 Posts: 444 Member
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    What a bunch of silly replies. I especially like the ones geared toward "He should just accept you as you are"...what a crock.

    When you get married, you make an investment....not a simple one that may or may not pay out over a period of time, not a temporary one that you can recover from if it backfires, but a full life-time investment. In order to live a full life without a lot of health issues, you certainly need to be healthy. We all know we can reach the end of our life prematurely about a zillion different ways without us being at fault for anything. Being unhealthy certainly stacks the odds up even higher...and you can't even begin to think of living happy in the golden years if you don't plan for it now, and part of that planning is doing preventive maintenance on your own body. Getting into shape, staying there, are bold challenges, but ones that are easy to achieve by maintaining yourself.
    He has a very active life-style, the military is like that (I was in the Marines in the mid-80s...so I know) I think what he is asking you to do is to stay in shape so you two can have an active, healthy life together for many years to come, and nothing more than that.
    He is thinking of the future. We all should.

    This! I've been trying to convey this point to my husband for over a year now. While his physical appearance plays a role in my desire for him to lose weight, it infuriates me that he doesn't take into account the affect that his unhealthy choices are going to have on me and the kids down the road.
  • Buttercupmcgee
    Buttercupmcgee Posts: 95 Member
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    My Husband is active duty Army, an infantry soldier and in pretty damn good shape. We have been married 3 years in June and have a beautiful 1 year old Daughter. I was about 160 when we got married (saw that he searched google to get wife to lose weight), lost 30lbs while he was deployed (he showed more interest in me when he came home for leave...hence the baby lol), and then got up to about 195 after my Daughter (felt like he was grossed out by me). Now that I am on this weight loss/healthy living journey he is showing some pretty good support, but I feel its only because he wants me to look like a Victoria Secret model, which I never will...

    SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...

    Girl, here's the truth. Some people's spouses don't care about weight gain. Some do.

    The point is, YOU feel ****ty about this. Nothing we say on here is going to relieve you. Nothing he says will, either.

    You'll step away from the computer, or a conversation with him, and feel a bit empowered, hopefully, but then you'll be watching TV with him and someone will make a fat joke and you'll be awkward all over again and start to gnash about whether or not he's still into you.

    Repairing your insecurity and fear about your body and relationship with him comes from one place: feeling and looking your best. Whether that's 250lbs or 105. You clearly don't feel confident right now (hey, I can relate!) and you will not magically feel confident by any one conversation or attempted comfort from a stranger. You will feel confident the more you take action to be where you want to be, physically. Once you're kicking *kitten* at the gym FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS, there will be no more stress about what he thinks. ( I find even the act of going to the gym helps raise my confidence, even if there's been no weight loss:-))

    You feel nervous about his opinion because you don't feel as attractive as you'd like. Luckily, you have power in this arena. Go get yours, stay strong in your resolve, and watch the anxiety melt away.
  • HealthyWarrior
    HealthyWarrior Posts: 394 Member
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    My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.

    Awwww!!! Brought tears to my eyes
  • Reeny1_8
    Reeny1_8 Posts: 277
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    OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.

    NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.

    MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.

    So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.

    Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.

    Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!
    [/quote]




    I agree completely!
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.

    NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.

    MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.

    So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.

    Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.

    Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!




    I agree completely!

    :drinker: This woman understands!
  • Guajardo73
    Guajardo73 Posts: 17 Member
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    My wife is presently pregnant and has put on quite a bit of weight! Can I love her! Hell yes and I always will! I think about it this way! I bust my *kitten* to try and look good for my wife! I kno she will love me if I wasn't in shape and vice versa! But I also think when u make honest efforts to look good for ur spouse your investing in your relationship and realistically keeps the spark and physical attraction there! My wife is amazing and I never want her to look like a Victoria secret model but to take pride in her health!
  • kiminikimkim
    kiminikimkim Posts: 746 Member
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    Just focus on your health and the rest should follow. Don't worry about what he thinks of you now. Your kids will benefit from having a healthy mom as well.

    If my boyfriend became obese, I too wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. I know that wouldn't happen though because we both eat fairly well and buy our food from the local market.
  • LesIsMoreXX
    LesIsMoreXX Posts: 169
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    I'm not a man but thought I would share my story as well...

    I was in a relationship for a couple years with a man who preferred ( and I'm not exaggerating... ) women with visible eating disorders ( anorexia etc. ). I didn't know that for awhile into the relationship but at 5'9 and 130 lbs I was in his eyes "borderline obese". As I got older and I needed to start meds, quit my job to go to school etc. etc. and adhering to his eating routines ( he wasn't in good shape or healthy by any means ) my weight went up to 168 lbs in no time ( which was still not considered overweight for my height and body type ). I went through a year and a half of him measuring and weighing me constantly, pinching and making fun of my thighs, telling me "I'm a disgrace to all women and shouldn't even be allowed to be called a woman because of my size" and on and on. I had to go to the gym 5-7 times a week for 6 hours a day. He restricted my food intake etc. etc. etc. It was horrific. My entire life revolved around trying to achieve an unachievable goal for this guy.

    Now it's a few years later and my current boyfriend is wonderful. He never makes me feel anything less than beautiful. I'm at my lowest weight I've been in almost 5 years and to be honest, I really haven't been trying a fraction as hard to lose weight as I used to. Not even close. I honestly think the lack of stress and pressure from my partner is the main cause of this. And the confidence of knowing that my partner would still find me attractive if I shot right back up to 168 lbs certainly keeps me calm.

    While some people might not be able to lose a lot of weight from lack of stress, I've found it to be just as important as diet and exercise. Maybe even more so in my case.

    Anyway, my point is you have to lose weight for you and not because you feel pressured into it by someone else because you feel like they won't love you as much if you don't drop the weight ASAP.
  • rudegyal_b
    rudegyal_b Posts: 593 Member
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    so i googled "get wife to lose weight" and this is the first thing that comes up:

    http://bigaslife.com/HowToGetYourGirlfriendToLoseWeight.asp

    what horrible tips lol
  • Donnacoach
    Donnacoach Posts: 540 Member
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    Seems to me that there are an awful lot of, "Dr. Phil" want to be's posting here. Bottom line, you need to follow YOUR HEART!!! If you love him and he loves you, it should all work out. Just be open and honest with your husband about how you feel. Good luck and keep your chin up.
  • jenn_may
    jenn_may Posts: 154 Member
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    I think the key to a healthy marriage is to communicate. When you get the chance ask him what his wants are and if it is for any other reason than for you to be a healthy person/wife/mother he may need to do some personal reflecting. As for your journey. Do it for yourself. If you are doing it for any other person it will not last. Know that you deserve to be the best version of yourself for yourself.

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