"I'm never getting married again."
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Psh....marriage is just a government-issued piece of paper. If they love each other, why do they need a tax statement to prove it?
Exactly what I was thinking. You don't need a piece of paper to make the relationship work.0 -
that isnt fair to you, oops jane, at all.
they need to sit down and have a talk. if they dont come to any agreement, its over. you gotta want the same things in life, and that just made her look like a fool and hurt her.
This^^0 -
I write this on behalf of my girlfriend... I have a biased opinion, so why not throw it out to random strangers:)
27 year old man (Johnny) married for 5 or 6 years. Divorced Oct 2010.
Johnny has now been dating Jane nearly 1.5 years. He told Jane he doesn't want to get married ever again, initially. Then after getting more serious with her, said he would marry her, just not anytime soon.
Last night, Johnny makes the public declaration amongst friends he will never ever get married again, and he will never pay off another woman's debt.... This, in front of Jane (who is going with the understanding he intends to marry her at some point).
What would you do if you were Jane? She is truly in love with him and would be heartbroken to end it. They are a very strong couple with this being the only glaring issue. She believes she is worthy of a man making a commitment to her - in the terms of marriage.
Let the opinions fly
If you're together and happy why do you need to be married? I'd stay, it's not everyday you find someone that you love.0 -
Jane should expect an apology for his jack-*kitten* comment, but then have an honest conversation with him about futures. A marriage under coercion is doomed from the start.0
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If they want different things in life (her: to be married, him: not to be) then she has to decide if it's that big of an issue. If she can live with him knowing that marriage isn't in their future then fine. If she's of the belief that she deserves a man that will do everything in his power to give her what she wants then she needs to break up with him and cut her losses.
I believe that everyone deserves someone who loves them enough to try to give them what they want. Good luck to your friend.0 -
If their not on the same page then it's time to move on. Life is too short to waste time if one wants to get married and one doesn't.0
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What is the point of dating then if there will never be a marriage? It's every girls dream to have that special day. If you love her, and that is the person you want to be with forever, why not get married?
I completely disagree, there are many couples who live a happy, fulfilled life together without getting married. A piece of paper is not that important to some people0 -
Why is he paying off her debt?
When you get married your partner's debt becomes your debt, and when you get divorced, it's still your debt to pay off. At least in some states (Texas being one of them).0 -
She needs to decide if marriage is important to her or not. Many people can be in long-lasting committed relationships without ever having that piece of paper that says they are married.
If it is important to her, then she needs to end the relationship and find a person who values the same things. If she feels like she could spend her life with him without actually being married, then there's no reason to end a good thing. However, making a statement like that in front of her and his friends is really just kind of rude.
She basically needs to decide if not getting married is a deal breaker. If it is, then she needs to end it and move on.
Agree with this 100%0 -
Why is he paying off her debt?
When you get married, your debt is also now his debt.
When you get divorced, you get half of the overall debt. If in the instance one person arrived with most of the debt, the other person leaves the marriage with half of it.0 -
I feel bad more for her for the fact that he pretty much made an *kitten* out of her infront of all his friends. She should talk to him and say if thats how he feels then they disagree and she thought he changed his mind. If thats the case she should ask so you would never marry me? And if the answer is then NO, she should tell him she needs someone who is willing to make a committment and see what his response is. If it changes or if he doesn't want her to leave she should stay.
I met a guy who was divorced and didn't want to get married two years in he changed his mind. It happens. I think the level of disrespect he made from calling their relationship out is the worst part of everything.0 -
She needs to decide if marriage is important to her or not. Many people can be in long-lasting committed relationships without ever having that piece of paper that says they are married.
If it is important to her, then she needs to end the relationship and find a person who values the same things. If she feels like she could spend her life with him without actually being married, then there's no reason to end a good thing. However, making a statement like that in front of her and his friends is really just kind of rude.
She basically needs to decide if not getting married is a deal breaker. If it is, then she needs to end it and move on.
^^^ This exactly, well put!
I've been in a happy healthy relationship for 4 years. We already know we're committed to each other for the rest of our lives...a marriage license is not necessary.
However....his statement in front of everyone was in bad taste!! I would definitely have a chat with him to see if you're on the same page or not. And if marriage and children is something you want in your future you may have to let this one go!0 -
that was my husbands mentality before he met me :blushing:
I was also a divorced mother of two toddlers and I swore i would never marry again. however, i made an exception, just as my hubby did-and we were married a year after we met. We are coming to our 9th yr anniversary next month.0 -
Speaking as a divorced woman, marriage is not something I would rush into again. It is brutal getting divorced and it never seems to go away. I would have to respect how he feels and if that doesn't work with your friend then maybe they are not meant to be.0
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It has taken me 20 years post divorce to decide to try again. If she really wants to be married and he doesn't she will eventually resent him and the time she has wasted waiting for him to change his mind. She needs to face that he doesn't want to get married and then decide what she really wants.0
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Does she want a marriage or a wedding? He sounds like he does not want the legal entanglement that comes with a wedding, but he might still want a comitted relationship. If that works for her, than great. If it doesn't, then she needs to move on.0
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First of all, she needs to decide if she can live her life on his terms. If she can, she needs to tell him so, BUT also tell him that finding out he changed his mind about eventually marrying her in the manner she did was disappointing, and that any issues in their relationship have to be discussed with each other directly in private, and not in three party conversations. (I suspect that he purposely did this publicly so he wouldn't have to "have that conversation...".
If she can not live life on his terms (and I for one could not...), then she needs to tell him so and break up. As tempting as it is to "mention" this in a three way conversation the way he did the never getting married comment , it would be more mature to handle this in private. Perhaps they can "remain friends", and if she is in the same place when he has truly healed, no bridges will be burned. If she is not in the same place, at least she won't have the emotional baggage of a relationship which ended badly while in a different relationship.0 -
it's something they need to talk about and work out. he might have been drunk or just in a bad mood because of something. I was in that boat of never wanting to get married again but then me and my wife worked things out. If it wouldn't have worked out then I don't know if I would or not.0
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What is the point of dating then if there will never be a marriage? It's every girls dream to have that special day. If you love her, and that is the person you want to be with forever, why not get married?
it is not EVERY girls dream to get married... I have never dreamed of being married. I could be quite content in bieng with someone forever without a piece of paper telling me I am commited to them.
To the OP, I would sit the guy down and talk to him first and find out WHY he said he would eventually marry me and then turn around and say that to a group of people we are friends with while I was sitting there. IF he says he doesn't want to marry her and she is set on being married to someone eventually she should end the relationship no matter how much she loves him and how great they are together - no point in being unhappy for the rest of your life.0 -
YEP!Dump him, he's a waste of time.0 -
Does she want him more than she wants to be married?
^^^THIS THIS THIS!!!0 -
Leave his sorry *kitten* now. She is young and he is bitter and will never change. You can't change narrowmindedness. She can find happiness elsewhere.0
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if they don't have the same goals-its a waste of time!0
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when someone shows you their true self, believe them.
if he says NEVER getting married again, take that as fact.
if she is ok with that, fine. if not, she needs to move on, and NOW.0 -
Are they comfortable with farting in front of each other? If so, they should talk like two grown adults and find out where they stand.0
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I can certainly understand his point of view. I have been divorced ten years and am still paying for it while my ex wife got happily remarried and I'm still paying some of her bills.
Marriage is a giant gamble for men. You hate it? So do I. Next time one of your girlfriends is laughing about how she took her ex to the bank, taint-slap her because she's contributing to why many men don't want round 2 after going through it once.
Just saying... "Marriage is a giant gamble for men" is a horrible blanket statement. I'm divorced, with a 5 year old, and paid off HIS debt, and have never, ever, received a dime from him for child or spousal support.
The "man" doesn't always end up with the raw end of the deal...
And I'm willing to do it all over again should I meet someone that wants to get married. Personally, I think I could take it or leave it at this point, though.
But that's beside the point... that's not what Jane wants.0 -
Why is he paying off her debt?
When you get married, your debt is also now his debt.
When you get divorced, you get half of the overall debt. If in the instance one person arrived with most of the debt, the other person leaves the marriage with half of it.
I did not realize this and it doesn't even make sense. If I married, then divorced, why would my ex-husband have to take on half the student loan debt I accrued before we even met?
But a prenup should take care of that, right? His debt is his upon divorce, hers belongs to her? Otherwise, yeah, I can see the guy's point.0 -
My guy was the same way.
I'd say have a heart to heart. It could have been just a "stupid man" moment. Or maybe he doesn't understand why this means so much to Jane. I mean, my guy didn't see the point of getting married, said he didn't want to, and always said "someday" when I asked when he was going to ask me to marry him.
I ended up proposing to him. He said yes. Why? Because he loves me, and we know we're not going anywhere from eachother. The day really means not a whole bunch more then a big party for us. We're not basing the day on "the start of the rest of our lives" or anything. We've had 7 years. This is just another day, a fun day, in our journey together.
Even as an engaged woman, I've never understood why THIS is a dealbreaker. You're in a loving, committed relationship, and you realize you're meant for eachother.... the piece of paper isn't gonna change that. Most places give equal rights to common law couples now.0 -
This is a hard one... people say things they don't really mean ALL the time.
If I were Jane, I would talk to Johnny. Explain to him how his public declaration made me feel. I would LISTEN carefully to his response. If he truly does not want to get married ever, then that will come out in his response.
If Jane wants to get married and can not continue the relationship without the promise of a future marriage, then it is time to move on.
Too many women in Jane's situation hang on hoping that Johnny will come around, and they waste years of their life (child-bearing years).
Sad situation for Jane, but better to move on now than continue down a road that ends like this after possibly wasting lots of time.:sad:0 -
He's a coward. Instead of discussing it with her, he let it be known in a crowd, thus hopefully avoiding an argument. It's easy to call him a loser, but that might not be necessarily true. He may have led her on...she may have misinterpreted him.
She'll have to decide at this point how important the relationship is.
I am cracking up at the immediate dump him responses. We have become a giant Jerry Springer show.0
This discussion has been closed.
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