ladies is he being a jerk or gentleman???

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  • castadiva
    castadiva Posts: 2,016 Member
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    It's badly-phrased ("I need you to look your best because" - makes it about him and needing to one-up the ex), but personally, I'd appreciate the heads-up. Much more subtle (and likely to achieve the desired effect!) to say when discussing the event: " Just so you know, my ex is likely to be there. By the way, X is a pretty formal, dressy affair." or something of that sort. Most women loathe being left in the dark about dress-codes, official or otherwise, and knowing that the ex is likely to be there will, in most women, provoke a bit of extra effort on the appearance front.
  • gwenmf
    gwenmf Posts: 888 Member
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    Obviously a man is never right, and it would be better for everyone if we'd just shut up and go fishing.

    I agree....lol
  • castadiva
    castadiva Posts: 2,016 Member
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    Obviously a man is never right, and it would be better for everyone if we'd just shut up and go fishing.

    I agree....lol

    But tell us about the dress-code first! :laugh:
  • MaritaD
    MaritaD Posts: 178 Member
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    Jerk!

    Maybe not intentional but yeah, not the right way to go about this. Maybe a heads up, let her decide if she wants to try to outshine her or not.
  • MrsLVF
    MrsLVF Posts: 787 Member
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    Jerky to even mention the ex, and he sounds like he's a little bitter.



    He could however treat his lady to a nice day of pampering Hair, makeup, nails, massage, & buy her a new outfit.

    And NOT say a word about the ex being at the event.
  • lg3703
    lg3703 Posts: 190
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    Well, I think I would want to know if the hoochie was gonna be there so "I" could decide if I wanted to look my best or not. So.... in his defence- tell me but DO NOT make it about you! A light comment "just giving me a heads up" is ok. I've been married 21 years and still don't like his ex girlfriend and STILL wanna look my best around her for ME! =]
  • beckajw
    beckajw Posts: 1,738 Member
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    "I need you to look your best" is an insult. It's all about you.

    "I better warn you that my ex" [facial expression of slight disgust] "will probably be there. She always goes. Dressed to the nines." [Roll the eyes.] is a warning, and very welcome.

    ^^ This.
  • foxy2311
    foxy2311 Posts: 179
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    I think maybe mention it in passing, like "Ug...my ex is going to be there." Might have said enough. That would give a cue to the current on if she wanted to go all out or not give a hoot.

    I would definitely say that the way it was said was extrememly jerky!
  • RachelsReboot
    RachelsReboot Posts: 569 Member
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    I'll take the guys side on this one, this is a heads up, look if you run into the ex and you are introduced for some reason, YOU want to look your best. Hasn't anyone been there before? I sure have, was out running errands in a t-shirt and some jeans and ran into my guys ex at the store and she was just getting off work and was in a suit and heels. I felt like crap afterwards because she didn't get an opportunity to see his upgrade. Because I was caught off guard I didn't have my best foot forward and you only get one chance to make the first impression. Call me whatever you want but I'd like the opportunity to knock it home and show her that he's got quite a catch. If you go and aren't looking your best and he didn't tell you that you might run into her, what's going to be the first thing out of your mouth? "Why didn't you tell me she was going to be there!" Your going to follow that up with knocking him upside the head and then mumbling to yourself for days about how you wished you;d have been wearing this or that, or that you'd fixed your hair or touched up your makeup.
    Why do you feel the need to impress his ex at all? Who cares what her first impression is? And thinking of yourself as an "upgrade", that's just vulgar.

    Wouldn't just be the ex, it could be mother, brother, sister, cousin, co-worker, Pastor, whoever, if he knows them and there is a chance he will be introducing me as his "girl" then yeah, I want to put my best forward. Otherwise I might walk around not giving a care what I look like.

    How is considering myself an upgrade vulgar?

    Maybe his choice of wording wasn't wise but what man doesn't stick his foot in his mouth when it comes to talking about past relationships?
  • aims_bc
    aims_bc Posts: 25
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    I am going with jerk here. I think the intention here is selfish - he is trying to ensure that the woman on his arm makes his ex jealous. If the concern was really how his current girfriend would feel, he would only give a heads up that they might run into his ex and add something to the effect of "but I hope not"...
  • tinam76
    tinam76 Posts: 59 Member
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    sounds like something my husband would say any excuse to go fishing lol
  • kimber0607
    kimber0607 Posts: 994 Member
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    Absolute jerk!
  • Ms_NewNew
    Ms_NewNew Posts: 88 Member
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    Lol......I hope her response was "Well you NEVER look better than my EX so whats the big deal".......hahahahaha #JERK

    And he doesnt have any game because if he was smart he wouldve just played it off and took her to the spa, salon and bought her a nice outfit as a "gift" lol and asked her to where it to the event....im just sayin GO ALL OUT
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,843 Member
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    Honestly it wouldn't bother me. Mainly because my now husband said something similar to me when we were going some place his ex worked. I didn't see it as an insult at all. But then again I don't really get insulted by many things.
  • capricorn0120
    capricorn0120 Posts: 109 Member
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    Not a gentleman. He's a jerk! Just the way it's said. It seems he doesn't think you can look good and that you wouldn't bother to look good knowing you're going out, regardless of occassion.

    All it would take for a woman, at least me, to look her best is the mention of an ex being there (not ask me to do it) and I would go out of my way to look my very, very best.
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
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    I'll take the guys side on this one, this is a heads up, look if you run into the ex and you are introduced for some reason, YOU want to look your best. Hasn't anyone been there before? I sure have, was out running errands in a t-shirt and some jeans and ran into my guys ex at the store and she was just getting off work and was in a suit and heels. I felt like crap afterwards because she didn't get an opportunity to see his upgrade. Because I was caught off guard I didn't have my best foot forward and you only get one chance to make the first impression. Call me whatever you want but I'd like the opportunity to knock it home and show her that he's got quite a catch. If you go and aren't looking your best and he didn't tell you that you might run into her, what's going to be the first thing out of your mouth? "Why didn't you tell me she was going to be there!" Your going to follow that up with knocking him upside the head and then mumbling to yourself for days about how you wished you;d have been wearing this or that, or that you'd fixed your hair or touched up your makeup.
    I really don't like the idea of being an "upgrade." I'm not a car or an object to be compared to. I am myself and we are together because we have a good relationship. Never in my life would I be happy to be told that I need to look my best to show up an ex. When I do dress up, it's for ME, so I feel good about myself, not because my entire worth depends on looking better than another girl.
  • elenathegreat
    elenathegreat Posts: 3,988 Member
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    cut the man some slack, most men are not the best communicators and we read waaaay too much into their simple attempts. appreciate the heads up, shine up your *kitten*, and make it all about YOU!:bigsmile:
  • ashmarie484
    ashmarie484 Posts: 484 Member
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    I think the wording is all wrong but I do think your intentions are good. Come on ladies dont act like you wouldnt want to upstage the ex. Everyone does. Maybe you invite her to the event and then offer to get her hair done or a mani/pedi or something. Just having those things will make her feel good and she will probably dress up on her own. I wouldnt just come straight out and tell her thats why,
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????

    Don't know his motivation, but I would never say something like that to my wife. She looks fabulous everywhere we go, but if she decided to accompany me in a gnatty purple terry cloth robe and her hair in curlers, I'd be proud to have her on my arm. And, trust me, everyone within my circle would treat her as if she were royalty.
  • ampa916
    ampa916 Posts: 189 Member
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    To me it would be more insulting if he said he didn't want you to go because she'd be there ;)

    To me it depends what he ie normally like. I've had friends who aren't told the ex will be somewhere and are mad their boyfriend / husband didn't say anything. If he is always concerned about how perfect you look I'd be concerned. Otherwise I'd say he is giving you a heads up just maybe lacking tact :)

    I'd have to agree with this, I don't think he was gentlemanly at all, but I don't think he meant it the way it came off either. I would be really upset if my husband didn't tell me an ex was there, and if he did tell I would naturally want to look my best, maybe though that is just me. I don't know why he said it that way but I am almost sure he didn't mean it that way.

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