ladies is he being a jerk or gentleman???

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  • FitBlitz
    FitBlitz Posts: 146
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    Not gentlemanly, but I wouldn't take offense to it. It's a blunt warning about the coming event with a decent amount of head's up. I think I'd be more hurt if he felt he couldn't tell me something like that and I ran into her looking like crap. I guess I see it as a form of support-- he's calling in a 'favor,' and I'm going to deliver however I can.
  • LondonEliza
    LondonEliza Posts: 456 Member
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    I looked and this and thought: "what a ****ty thing to do"

    I showed it to my husband and his remark was: "that is not how a man behaves"

    Seriously, he is so intimidated by his ex that he needs to tell you to put on a show for her? Really?

    I am sure it was just a thoughtless remark and you should not go buying shovels and digging shallow graves ...... yet. However you should talk to him about it. Explain how it makes you feel (pretty bad I am guessing since you just told several people about it) Ask him how he would feel if you were so shallow as to say to him 'Please dress yourself up so you look as hot as possible to make an impression on my ex-bf'. Bet he would not like that one little bit.
  • Dawn3218
    Dawn3218 Posts: 80
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    "I better warn you that my ex" [facial expression of slight disgust] "will probably be there. She always goes. Dressed to the nines." [Roll the eyes.] is a warning, and very welcome.
    [/quote]

    I agree - this is a MUCH MUCH better way of giving your new GF the head up without the insulting her!! SHE can then decide if
    a) she wants to go and
    b) if she wants to bother looking her best
  • MJ7910
    MJ7910 Posts: 1,280 Member
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    i'd be annoyed. like why are we worried about impressing her? i know i look good, why do i have to put on special outfit for her? i woudl be annoyed for sure... i wouldn't say they guy is a "jerk" but maybe just not thinking when he said that.
  • kdeerhake
    kdeerhake Posts: 5 Member
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    Sounds like you may have good intentions if you said it that way, but it more than likely will not be taken well. I would have been offended. Just mention that you may run into your ex there and leave the rest up to her.
  • scubachic77
    scubachic77 Posts: 23 Member
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    I'll take the guys side on this one, this is a heads up, look if you run into the ex and you are introduced for some reason, YOU want to look your best. Hasn't anyone been there before? I sure have, was out running errands in a t-shirt and some jeans and ran into my guys ex at the store and she was just getting off work and was in a suit and heels. I felt like crap afterwards because she didn't get an opportunity to see his upgrade. Because I was caught off guard I didn't have my best foot forward and you only get one chance to make the first impression. Call me whatever you want but I'd like the opportunity to knock it home and show her that he's got quite a catch. If you go and aren't looking your best and he didn't tell you that you might run into her, what's going to be the first thing out of your mouth? "Why didn't you tell me she was going to be there!" Your going to follow that up with knocking him upside the head and then mumbling to yourself for days about how you wished you;d have been wearing this or that, or that you'd fixed your hair or touched up your makeup.
    ^^^THIS^^^ Not all guys are eloquent with words. If my guy didn't tell me his ex would be there...WOW, that would be way worse.
  • jleb5
    jleb5 Posts: 23 Member
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    My two cents: First thing first, if he needs to give you a "heads up" then he's not really thinking you're a snazzy dresser. Which is not good at all.
    Secondly, if he's comparing you to her - no bueno either!
    Third, you can do so much better. A man who wants to "show me off" to his ex quite possibly has feelings for her and not me. I'm just the object to make her jealous.
    This is not a win-win situation.
  • k2quiere
    k2quiere Posts: 4,151 Member
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    I vote jerk! Obviously there are still some sort of unresolved feelings for this ex, or you...I mean, he....wouldn't care about what his ex thinks about his new girlfriend. Maybe you...I mean, uh, he....should quit focusing on getting vengance on his ex by showing off the new girl and start focusing on the relationship he's currently in. JERK!

    I don't know that anything he says demonstrates unresolved feelings for the ex. I would first have to know the intent of the invitation. If he invited the new girl to show her off, then there is an issue; if he invited her because it's a great event he wants her to experience positively, then everything he said has a reason. He even said that it's the type of event the gf might not usually dress up for. Exes tend to be quite catty, even if they're with someone else. I would prefer he give me the heads up about her being in attendance, and how she always prepares for the event than showing up maybe not at my best and having to deal with looks and comments that might ruin my night.
  • kylee_marie
    kylee_marie Posts: 299 Member
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    i would be happy to have the heads up. people need to stop being so sensitive... put your big girl panties on! could the delivery have been better?...yes but the intention is good and to me, that is what matters. i wouldn't want to show up looking like i just completed a crossfit session while she is looking like she just walked down a runway... awkward.
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
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    If I'm going to buy that this wasn't a total jerk thing to say, I'm at least going to need a little more back story.
    How long were you with the ex and how soon after the break up did you start dating your current girlfriend? Has she ever given you a reason to think that she's a little insecure about the ex or that she would want to dress as nice as possible to look better than her?

    And be honest with yourself, what were your actual intentions behind saying this. Did you honestly just want to make her feel better, or did a part of you want to make your ex jealous?
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    All that needed to be said was, "My ex will be there."

    If your current GF doesn't care if she's better dressed, then you shouldn't care, either. Most women DO and WILL take the extra effort (I do regardless) but not all do. And if you love your current girlfriend, then why are you so concerned about what your ex thinks?

    Honestly, I don't think I've ever dated a man who cared that much.
  • jennifer52484
    jennifer52484 Posts: 888 Member
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    I looked and this and thought: "what a ****ty thing to do"

    I showed it to my husband and his remark was: "that is not how a man behaves"

    Seriously, he is so intimidated by his ex that he needs to tell you to put on a show for her? Really?

    I am sure it was just a thoughtless remark and you should not go buying shovels and digging shallow graves ...... yet. However you should talk to him about it. Explain how it makes you feel (pretty bad I am guessing since you just told several people about it) Ask him how he would feel if you were so shallow as to say to him 'Please dress yourself up so you look as hot as possible to make an impression on my ex-bf'. Bet he would not like that one little bit.

    The OP is a male. maybe even the male in question??
  • rossi02
    rossi02 Posts: 549 Member
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    I don't know how you would confuse that with gentlemanly. That may be the most insulting thing I've ever read on the internet.
    -wtk
    exactly. that's absolutely rude. I'd get the impression that you were using me to try to impress or get back at the ex... not that you were trying to "give me a heads up."

    I concur!
  • mixedfeelings
    mixedfeelings Posts: 904 Member
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    The difference between being a jerk and a gentleman would be;

    He tells you it's a fancy event so make sure you dress up - great that's a warning opposed to make sure you dress up so you look better than my ex which is implied in this question. This sounds like it's about making himself look good rather than yourself otherwise why does he care, most women want to dress up a bit so they'll make the effort anyway.
  • onedayillbeamilf
    onedayillbeamilf Posts: 966 Member
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    I vote jerk! Obviously there are still some sort of unresolved feelings for this ex, or you...I mean, he....wouldn't care about what his ex thinks about his new girlfriend. Maybe you...I mean, uh, he....should quit focusing on getting vengance on his ex by showing off the new girl and start focusing on the relationship he's currently in. JERK!

    I don't know that anything he says demonstrates unresolved feelings for the ex. I would first have to know the intent of the invitation. If he invited the new girl to show her off, then there is an issue; if he invited her because it's a great event he wants her to experience positively, then everything he said has a reason. He even said that it's the type of event the gf might not usually dress up for. Exes tend to be quite catty, even if they're with someone else. I would prefer he give me the heads up about her being in attendance, and how she always prepares for the event than showing up maybe not at my best and having to deal with looks and comments that might ruin my night.

    I think if he's worried about what she thinks, there are some unresolved feelings/issues. I didn't say lovey dovey feelings, I was saying any feelings. You are aware that anger is a feeling, right? Also, cattiness is usually a result of some underlying anger. I personally wouldn't give a crap what any of my exes think about my new guy. There's a reason I'm not with them. If I was still mad at them about something, I would likely act just like the OP is.
  • LovingLisa2012
    LovingLisa2012 Posts: 802 Member
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    i dont understand the hatred to the exes ?? i mean calling the ex g/f names and such ?? (remember you are some one elses EX as well )

    i am lucky in that since, that my husbands ex is dead . (she passed away a year b4 we got together)
    BUT i am friends with my ex and my husband is friends with him too .. he has come over for bbq's and we went to the zoo with my neice (it was a really fun day for the 4 of us) things like that ( i met my ex when i was 18, i met my husband when i was 20 , i am now 32)

    i would NEVER tell my husband to dress a certain way to impress my ex . my husband is very casual, so am i
    even when meeting his family .. i dress my normal way (t shirt and shorts or pants) .. he has never cared .. he loves me for me and has no problems telling people i am his wife

    ETA: me and my ex was friends 1st b4 trying the dating thing, but we agreed that if it didn't work, we would stay friends.. and let me tell you, he is one of my best-est friends .. we are better at being friends than dating simply b/c we are in different times in our lives.. mainly b/c he is 20 years older than me :blushing: ... i have no problem with him dating, i actually am fb friends now, with a girl he was recently dating ...
  • dsjohndrow
    dsjohndrow Posts: 1,820 Member
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    I'll take the guys side on this one, this is a heads up, look if you run into the ex and you are introduced for some reason, YOU want to look your best. Hasn't anyone been there before? I sure have, was out running errands in a t-shirt and some jeans and ran into my guys ex at the store and she was just getting off work and was in a suit and heels. I felt like crap afterwards because she didn't get an opportunity to see his upgrade. Because I was caught off guard I didn't have my best foot forward and you only get one chance to make the first impression. Call me whatever you want but I'd like the opportunity to knock it home and show her that he's got quite a catch. If you go and aren't looking your best and he didn't tell you that you might run into her, what's going to be the first thing out of your mouth? "Why didn't you tell me she was going to be there!" Your going to follow that up with knocking him upside the head and then mumbling to yourself for days about how you wished you;d have been wearing this or that, or that you'd fixed your hair or touched up your makeup.

    When I return from fishing I think this ^^^ is what he meant. No kudos for how it was said; however.

    Let me translate in testosterone-ese. You are hot, I want you to be with me there because I am proud of you, and I want it to be plainly obvious that you are an upgrade.

    Me, I would have suggested my favorite dress to my wife, or invited her out to go shopping for the event. I would have also suggested my favorite perfume etc. by saying I love it when you wear this and or that. It's never easy to tell someone your ex is going to be there. The good news for me is that I got such an awesome upgrade that even in a t and sweats she wins hands down. :)

    In the defense of all tactless men, there is no way to answer the question, "do I look fat in the dress?"
  • kleonarski
    kleonarski Posts: 29
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    If it were me I might give her the warning that she might be seeing my ex, but personally I think my girlfriend always looks amazing no matter what. I think if you truly feel that way then you won't be able to take your eyes off your girlfriend and the ex will most likely notice that.... I'm guessing that is what will make her the most jealous.
  • Helenatrandom
    Helenatrandom Posts: 1,166 Member
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    I wouldn't call it gentlemanly or jerky. What is it? Honest communication. HOWEVER, if he feels he should be able to honestly say "look your best because my ex will be there" he needs to be able to take her honesty if her reply is "Well, that statement makes me feel like you think I normally look like a slob. I don't understand why you are even with me if she is all that and I'm not." Honest communication runs both ways.
    After sixteen years of marriage, my husband has learned to say "I love the way you look in that purple dress! Will you wear that to the party?" rather than "Look your best..." It's not less honest, but more loving. (Obviously, if I wear my purple dress, I need my hair and nails done, at which point, I may as well go all out and put on false eyelashes and make up...) And yes, sometimes he's a bit clueless that the weather wouldn't work out to wear that dress, so I suggest a different snazzy outfit. And no, I don't question his motives. I REALLY believe he just wants to see ME in something snazzy.
  • djsupreme6
    djsupreme6 Posts: 1,210 Member
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    you said a year..wow..that shouldn't even be in his thought process after that amount of time really...but since it is he must want to stroke his ego a bit...look at it...perhaps he don't think you have as good of style as his ex and needed to make you aware...maybe he just wants to show his ex up by having you look better then her...or..maybe he just meant it in a harmless manner yet it come out wayyyyy wrong..in any event...you should be pissed

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