ladies is he being a jerk or gentleman???

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  • Expialidojess
    Expialidojess Posts: 588 Member
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    I don't think it's really that bad. I mean maybe it could have been phrased differently but who doesn't want to look good when they run into their exes? I don't see it so much as him trying to compare the two but more as a non verbal way of saying yep I got a hot girl and i'm doing just fine. Just maybe say it a little differently next time.
  • catelabow
    catelabow Posts: 77 Member
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    I would appreciate the heads up and enjoy the challenge to look as hot as possible and probably ask for some special favors for my efforts. I thought I was super-sensitive, but maybe I'm not, considering the majority of negative responses.
  • Helenatrandom
    Helenatrandom Posts: 1,166 Member
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    To those suggesting how it should have been said - seems like you are taking it offensively on purpose.

    If you are saying that you understand his intentions but he phrased it poorly, and therefore would have been offended. Doesn't that make you deliberately obstructive.

    It's not some black and white that he thinks you're terrible normally so need to make an effort. He is asking you to make a particular effort in these circumstances for a perfectly legitimate reason.

    Seriously, get over it.

    I don't begrudge him the right to honestly and openly state what he thinks. But if he does that, he should be able to take her saying honestly "You worrying about what your girlfriend thinks of me makes me feel like crap." Open communication is a two way street.



    How would I feel if my husband said that? I have no idea. I've been to functions where his exes have been without even knowing they were his exes. Really. One woman mentioned it herself when we were alone. I smiled and shrugged. When she accused me of not believing her, I smiled and said that she has a new bf, Bob has me, and we all seem really happy and that is all that matters. Then when we go home, I asked him why he never told me, since we "ran in the same circles". He gave me that "deer in the headlight" look and said that he just never thinks about her so it never occurred to him.... Good answer! (He may or may have not told me he loves the way I look in my purple dress for that event. I honestly don't remember, nor care any more...)
  • Tribbey143
    Tribbey143 Posts: 388 Member
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    Obviously a man is never right, and it would be better for everyone if we'd just shut up and go fishing.

    hahha...oh boy.
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
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    To those suggesting how it should have been said - seems like you are taking it offensively on purpose.

    If you are saying that you understand his intentions but he phrased it poorly, and therefore would have been offended. Doesn't that make you deliberately obstructive.

    It's not some black and white that he thinks you're terrible normally so need to make an effort. He is asking you to make a particular effort in these circumstances for a perfectly legitimate reason.

    Seriously, get over it.

    I don't begrudge him the right to honestly and openly state what he thinks. But if he does that, he should be able to take her saying honestly "You worrying about what your girlfriend thinks of me makes me feel like crap." Open communication is a two way street.

    Oh absolutely, if the response was in an open and communicative manner then I would discuss it and explain why I said it, what I meant etc.

    I don't deal with emotional blackmail though.
  • EricExtreme
    EricExtreme Posts: 95 Member
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    Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????

    I would be offended if my girlfriend said that. Trying to make in into a trophy to show off in order to try and rub it in to an ex? I DONT THINK SO ! If my gf said that to me I would tell her she was going alone.
  • Nopedotjpeg
    Nopedotjpeg Posts: 1,806 Member
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    Obviously a man is never right, and it would be better for everyone if we'd just shut up and go fishing.

    Sounds about right. Minus the fishing.
  • gnovi826
    gnovi826 Posts: 27
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    I'm voting jerk. This also falls under the fact that men still treat women like objects. In this case, a doll made to look pretty and impress. Apparently intellect and personality can't override physical attractiveness.

    And he obviously isn't over his former girlfriend. Why care so much? Dump him.
  • Jade17694
    Jade17694 Posts: 584 Member
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    I don't know how you would confuse that with gentlemanly. That may be the most insulting thing I've ever read on the internet.
    -wtk

    This. That would result in a slap from me! lol
  • iFeelBrandNew
    iFeelBrandNew Posts: 263 Member
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    To me it would be more insulting if he said he didn't want you to go because she'd be there ;)

    To me it depends what he ie normally like. I've had friends who aren't told the ex will be somewhere and are mad their boyfriend / husband didn't say anything. If he is always concerned about how perfect you look I'd be concerned. Otherwise I'd say he is giving you a heads up just maybe lacking tact :)

    i agree with this. i would want to know! lol
  • kristahahne
    kristahahne Posts: 1
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    The key is in the words "I really need".
  • melbot24
    melbot24 Posts: 347 Member
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    What her response should have been:

    "Oh honey, I already look better than any of your ex's without even trying. Trust me, there's no need to give a heads up. Oh and also, I hope those tickets are refundable, because you'll be going alone".
  • wells0707
    wells0707 Posts: 251 Member
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    There is no reason to try and make someone jealous..unless you still care what they think about you. That was a rude thing to say.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    If my DH's ex is going to be at an event I would hope he'd give me a little heads up, but present it better. I would think that he would trust that I'm always going to want to look my best, so it would be more than a little sh!tty for him to iterate to me that he wants me to look my best. Also, if he said to me "I want you to look your best because my ex is going to be there." not only would that indicate to me that he doesn't think that for special events I try to look my best, but also indicates to me that he compares me to her and probably thinks that I don't always stack up. So to me it's all in presentation:

    Jerk: "I want you to look your best because my ex is going to be there." (implied and I want you to try to look better than her like it's a competition)
    Gentleman: "Hun, just to give you a head's up, my ex is going to be there and I hope this won't make you uncomfortable." (I give 2 sh!ts about your feelings and don't want to put you into any sort of compromising situation)
  • Jade17694
    Jade17694 Posts: 584 Member
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    Giving her a heads up that the X will be there is OK. Telling her that is it a dressy event is OK. But telling her that she should 'look her best' is being a condescending jerk. You are assuming she is a complete simpleton and somehow disappoint you with her appearance. You couldn't possibly get more 'ungentlemanly'.

    Perhaps the intention was innocent.....but it was presented and phrased so wrongly.:devil:

    Exactly what i was thinking.
  • sundancer1966
    sundancer1966 Posts: 478 Member
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    I'll take the guys side on this one, this is a heads up, look if you run into the ex and you are introduced for some reason, YOU want to look your best. Hasn't anyone been there before? I sure have, was out running errands in a t-shirt and some jeans and ran into my guys ex at the store and she was just getting off work and was in a suit and heels. I felt like crap afterwards because she didn't get an opportunity to see his upgrade. Because I was caught off guard I didn't have my best foot forward and you only get one chance to make the first impression. Call me whatever you want but I'd like the opportunity to knock it home and show her that he's got quite a catch. If you go and aren't looking your best and he didn't tell you that you might run into her, what's going to be the first thing out of your mouth? "Why didn't you tell me she was going to be there!" Your going to follow that up with knocking him upside the head and then mumbling to yourself for days about how you wished you;d have been wearing this or that, or that you'd fixed your hair or touched up your makeup.

    I was thinking the same thing, I would be mad if I was not given a heads up. He could have worded it better, and he should have. Should not have said to look your best....
  • DominiqueSmall
    DominiqueSmall Posts: 495 Member
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    Let me just say that when I go out with my husband I get dressed up for a few reasons:

    1. For me
    2. For him
    3. Because I'm f*cking hot and sexy and I want people to look at me and think "Dayum! He's one lucky SOB"
    4. Because I'm f*cking hot and sexy and I want my husband to look at me while we're out and think "Dayum! All these guys are checking her out and I'm one lucky SOB"

    For all you women who say that you get dressed up for you and no one else that's bullocks. You get dressed up for you AND for everyone else who is going to be out there because you know that when you look good and feel good you're confidence will be up and you will get more attention from other people.

    I totally agree with you. While I am losing and getting my health back, predominantly for me, my motivation also comes from a very hot man, a 3 year old grand daughter who always tells me "grammy D is hot" and so forth. I always want to look amazing for me and others when I go out.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all.

    btw ... you do look amaizng. Lucky hubby :-)
  • castadiva
    castadiva Posts: 2,016 Member
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    To those suggesting how it should have been said - seems like you are taking it offensively on purpose.

    If you are saying that you understand his intentions but he phrased it poorly, and therefore would have been offended. Doesn't that make you deliberately obstructive.

    Nope, just offering constructive suggestions as to how he might phrase his request better, in case he hasn't yet said it, and/or to smooth future communications.
  • angiemartin78
    angiemartin78 Posts: 475 Member
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    Wow!!! No offense, but dude sounds like a serious a$$hat. If my SO EVER said something like that to me, I'd probably knock the *kitten* outta him. Who does he think he is?

    I think I'd have to seriously weigh the pros and cons of that relationship and hit the road. This is how it could be for the rest of your relationship...do you want him constantly saying stuff like this to you? Constantly being compared to the "ex-girlfriend"...Been there and done that hon, and it's no fun at all.
  • Gwenski
    Gwenski Posts: 348 Member
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    "I need you to look your best" is an insult. It's all about you.

    "I better warn you that my ex" [facial expression of slight disgust] "will probably be there. She always goes. Dressed to the nines." [Roll the eyes.] is a warning, and very welcome.

    I admit ^ this would have been a better way for dude to say it. BUT the real problem lies in the male saying he NEEDS you to look your best. Why is this so important to him? Does he need someone beautiful beside him to make him feel good about himself? feel good about the ending of the relationship with the ex? It may put some stress on you to live up to his needs. If that's something you want to do for him, and can feel good about yourself whether you meet his requirement or not, then fine.. but, if it in any way makes you not feel good about yourself, then that's not healthy.

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