ladies is he being a jerk or gentleman???

TinkrBelz

I think a bunch of women are over reacting!! I have been married to the same man for 22 years. IF, we were going somewhere out and he knew that his last girlfriend was going to be there, I would want to know so I can make sure that I look good. I would not be so insecure in thinking that he still has the hots for his ex, I look at that he wants to show me off!! And I would be super happy to oblige!

How many of us get dolled up and want our spouses to look good at our HS reunions? Do we do this because we want to get back together with some ex boyfriends or girlfriends? NO!! (well maybe some do! haha)

But come one...we have got to give men a break....do we have to take apart every single little word they say and throw in some sort of meaning? I live with my husband and 5 sons, usually they are pretty straight forward. They do not have hidden meanings, they just say what they think. Sometimes it is a little gruff, but come on, they are men!! And that is what makes them great!

AND, to those that say Who Care what his ex thinks...I PROMISE you, you would be TICKED off if she was there and he never told you...AND, you would be upset if you did not look your best!!!

thechubner

Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????

I think your intensions are good, but here is a better way to phrase this: "I'm so glad we're going to this event together. Let me take you shopping for a new dress and shoes. " Then the day of the event comes "Nothing is too good for my girl - go out and get a mani/pedi so you're feeling refrshed for tonight" Then when the hour of the event comes she'll fell more confident and want to get herself "dolled up" and look as beautiful as possible. Other subtle hints - before the event pick a day when she's done her make up / jewelry nice and tell her how pretty she is. Or say "wow your make up looks really pretty that way" she will be more likely to repeat it for the event. Maybe even drop hints about your ex (so she knows there is going to be someone snarky judging her) "Oh my ex will be there - she thinks she's so hot, but you're way prettier" Then she very well might get herself dolled up just to assert her female dominance (it's what I would do). The most important thing is don't say anythign that will make her feel like YOU are judging her or YOU are comparing her to other women. Trust me - women come to these conclusions themselves and she can make you proud w/o you jeopardizing your relationship.

Good Luck

monip13

Yikes!! I would be insulted if my boyfriend said that to me. Maybe you should take her shopping for the event and buy her a new dress or make a suggestion, "I really love the way that black dress you wore that one time looks on you, you should wear that to such and such event."

If you are that concerned about your ex and their opinion, you may not be completely over her. Just something to think about.

Good luck!

Sumo813

Obviously a man is never right, and it would be better for everyone if we'd just shut up and go fishing.

I'll bring the beer! :drinker:

DBiddle69

WOW....is this the reason she is your ex? At this rate you might have two ex's attended without you!!

starsnyc21

Any guy that is worried about impressing his ex girlfriend with his new girlfriend is a jerk. It sounds like your friend could still be hung up on the ex girlfriend.

catpow2

Jerk. What he should have said: "Hey Babe (insert term of endearment here), I'm kind of interested in going to X event because (insert good reason here) but my ex will be there. Do you think WE should go?" You: "Sure, we can go it you want. That's fine."

The most important question though: Why does he care what his ex thinks? And if he does, he shouldn't be telling you about it. That's his own f***ed up deal, not yours. :noway:

loseweightjames

Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????

flip side - you guys go, he says "oh look that's my ex".

You exclaim - "oh wow wish i would have known I would have wore something else"

he replies - "I knew she'd be here, she always comes"

you turn and say - "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE'D BE HERE?!?"

......... perhaps he should have worded it differently, but he was trying to help you. He should have stopped at "My ex always attends this event so we might run into her" and leave it up to you to decide what to do with that information.

eklopez14

It would be rude for him to tell her to look nice, because not only does that imply that she doesn't normally look presentable enough, but might might also indicate that he is trying to impress the ex by using the current girlfriend.

Much better solution would be to say "just a heads up, ______ might be there," just so she isn't caught off guard seeing her.

This.

forgtmenot

I only read the first few pages so sorry if i am repeating what has been said already, but he's a jerk. My boyfriend has never said anything that insulting to me in the 3 years we have been together, thankfully. I would appreciate the heads up that his ex was going to be there, just so I wasn't surprised, but I wouldn't need to be told to "look my best". I would naturally want to look my best, but the fact that he would feel the need to tell me to implies I don't normally look my best and without looking my best I am less attractive than his ex. Plus the fact that he obviously still cares what she thinks. So, yes, it would piss me off.

Bethie_B

Totally siding with the dude. Because really, if men had to phrase things in ways that were always "acceptable" by their SOs, dudes would never be able to say anything. I'd appreciate the heads up and dress to the nines. I'd want my man to feel proud to have me on his arm, especially in front of his ex!

RachelsReboot

I'll take the guys side on this one, this is a heads up, look if you run into the ex and you are introduced for some reason, YOU want to look your best. Hasn't anyone been there before? I sure have, was out running errands in a t-shirt and some jeans and ran into my guys ex at the store and she was just getting off work and was in a suit and heels. I felt like crap afterwards because she didn't get an opportunity to see his upgrade. Because I was caught off guard I didn't have my best foot forward and you only get one chance to make the first impression. Call me whatever you want but I'd like the opportunity to knock it home and show her that he's got quite a catch. If you go and aren't looking your best and he didn't tell you that you might run into her, what's going to be the first thing out of your mouth? "Why didn't you tell me she was going to be there!" Your going to follow that up with knocking him upside the head and then mumbling to yourself for days about how you wished you;d have been wearing this or that, or that you'd fixed your hair or touched up your makeup.

Wow, seriously? You would care that much about what his ex thinks of how you look?

Because I admit that I am human, I know how women are and the first thing most women are going to do is run back to her "friends" and say I saw his new girl...now do you want her to say that "she's really pretty, and had this super cute dress on" blah blah blah or "you should have seen her, shorts, t-shirt, hair in pony tail"

In reading the OP I imagined the situation to be one like this.

Spring music festival.
Normally I would wear shorts or capris, a comfortable t-shirt and tennis shoes (I know i am going to be walking) I am dressed for comfort
but if I knew I was going to be meeting someone who my BF knows, I want to make a good impression so I opt for
Cute dress, sweater, sandals.

What is the big deal? Why does that have to make me insecure (another post) that I think that way? I'm not insecure at all that's why I wouldn't be bothered by what he said. No psychotic episode here because a man puts his foot in his mouth, I get it.

myfitnessnmhoy

Showing YOU off to the EX-girlfriend? The fact that he still seems to care about her opinion of the appearance of his current girlfriend says something that does not, in my book, equate to "gentleman".

I'd say what it does equate to in my book, but it's probably unprintable. It's four-legged and goes "HEE-HAW!" if that gives you a hint.

BurkeshireFarms

flip side - you guys go, he says "oh look that's my ex".

You exclaim - "oh wow wish i would have known I would have wore something else"

he replies - "I knew she'd be here, she always comes"

you turn and say - "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE'D BE HERE?!?"

......... perhaps he should have worded it differently, but he was trying to help you. He should have stopped at "My ex always attends this event so we might run into her" and leave it up to you to decide what to do with that information.

DING DING DING!

This is exactly the reaction I would expect.






My wife's reaction excluded of course.

va_va_voom

And I have to exclude my own husband from my statement because he wisely told me when we were dating that I was the most attractive person he'd ever dated. Who could say if that is true? I've seen some, but not all. He gets points for trying.lol

My hubby tells me the same. I have only seen two of his ex-GFs (pics, not in person) and I am nothing like either one of them. The way I see it is that it doesn't matter who he found attractive prior to meeting me as long as I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him now.

kristinwalker

Ok, here is my opinion.
I wouldn't take it harsh or wrong. This is why...if I were to run into my ex I would really want my husband to look his best to put it in my ex's face that I am so much better off without him. I would want him to see my amazing husband for all that he is and to see that I am so happy and have an amazing man. I don't think he is saying you are very little or horrible in any means. I think of it just as when I have company over I want my house to look great. I clean it and make sure it is picked up. I think for him it is a similar thing. He is not embarassed of you, he wants to show you off in the finest! And think we women are very very judgmental of each other especially when it comes to ex's. He doesn't want you going into the event thinking it is casual, coming out in the end knowing she was there and you feeling like crap because you should have known ahead of time to get sexy and show that woman why YOU are who he chose! If that were the case you would feel worse about yourself than you feel now wondering his intentions. Maybe you should just ask him what his intentions were with an open heart and open mind and hear him out. I bet he just wants to show her whats up and how he is so much better off with you!

babybluefire

It's badly-phrased ("I need you to look your best because" - makes it about him and needing to one-up the ex), but personally, I'd appreciate the heads-up. Much more subtle (and likely to achieve the desired effect!) to say when discussing the event: " Just so you know, my ex is likely to be there. By the way, X is a pretty formal, dressy affair." or something of that sort. Most women loathe being left in the dark about dress-codes, official or otherwise, and knowing that the ex is likely to be there will, in most women, provoke a bit of extra effort on the appearance front.

This. My mil particularly enjoys seeing me out of dress at an event. Always makes a comment in front of as many people as possible as well.

anarod0513

Not cool. Why? Because I don't have the need to be compared to ANY other woman. Especially not an ex.

Exactly

Fitfaery

I understand this a little. i went to a wedding in the city my exhusband lives in and I wore a lovely dress, did my hair and make up properly and really bothered myself about what i was wearing around town the day before and after. Although I must admit I wasn't bothered about what my other half looked like.

I wouldn't say he was being either a jerk or a gentleman, just wants to show her he's moved on and damn has he done well. Plus by dressing up really well (try not to make it show you've tried too hard, there is a fine line between trying to hard and being naturally well dressed) you can stick one to her because he's yours now :P

Maybe that's just be bein screwed up though. I dunno.

va_va_voom

I think a bunch of you are just crazy!! I have been married to the same man for 22 years. IF, we were going somewhere out and he knew that his last girlfriend was going to be there, I would want to know so I can make sure that I look good. I would not be so insecure in thinking that he still has the hots for his ex, I look at that he wants to show me off!! And I would be super happy to oblige!

How many of us get dolled up and want our spouses to look good at our HS reunions? Do we do this because we want to get back together with some ex boyfriends or girlfriends? NO!! (well maybe some do! haha)

But come one...we have got to give men a break....do we have to take apart every single little word they say and throw in some sort of meaning? I live with my husband and 5 sons, usually they are pretty straight forward. They do not have hidden meanings, they just say what they think. Sometimes it is a little gruff, but come on, they are men!! And that is what makes them great!

AND, to those that say Who Care what his ex thinks...I PROMISE you, you would be TICKED off if she was there and he never told you...AND, you would be upset if you did not look your best!!!

You've been with your husband for 22 years. The OP stated that they had been dating for about a year. I would hope there is a lot more security in your relationship after 22 years of marriage - than in a one year dating relationship. It's all about perspective.

I'm not even sure I would remember who I had even dated 22 years later. lol

hesn92

If it's an event that people don't normally dress up for, why would I dress up for it just because my boyfriends ex is going to? That's just stupid...

OnMyWeigh464

I've been with my husband since I was 16, he was 17. We've been together for 19 years now, married 14.. He never had any girlfriends before me so thankfully I don't have to contend with any exes however if he ever said this to me saying that "other women" will be dressed up blah blah...I would have his bags packed. No ifs, ands or buts. No counselling needed. No apology would EVER take those harsh words back. Ever.

MissAlexxMarie

That's just insulting! Not even being just a flat out jerk!

Fitfaery

Ok, here is my opinion.
I wouldn't take it harsh or wrong. This is why...if I were to run into my ex I would really want my husband to look his best to put it in my ex's face that I am so much better off without him. I would want him to see my amazing husband for all that he is and to see that I am so happy and have an amazing man. I don't think he is saying you are very little or horrible in any means. I think of it just as when I have company over I want my house to look great. I clean it and make sure it is picked up. I think for him it is a similar thing. He is not embarassed of you, he wants to show you off in the finest! And think we women are very very judgmental of each other especially when it comes to ex's. He doesn't want you going into the event thinking it is casual, coming out in the end knowing she was there and you feeling like crap because you should have known ahead of time to get sexy and show that woman why YOU are who he chose! If that were the case you would feel worse about yourself than you feel now wondering his intentions. Maybe you should just ask him what his intentions were with an open heart and open mind and hear him out. I bet he just wants to show her whats up and how he is so much better off with you!

^^^^ this too x

love2cycle

I think it was a little jerky, though maybe with good intentions. If I had been him, I might have just said that it was an event that required extra special care in dress, and forget the comment about the ex-girlfriend.

RachelsReboot

flip side - you guys go, he says "oh look that's my ex".

You exclaim - "oh wow wish i would have known I would have wore something else"

he replies - "I knew she'd be here, she always comes"

you turn and say - "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE'D BE HERE?!?"

......... perhaps he should have worded it differently, but he was trying to help you. He should have stopped at "My ex always attends this event so we might run into her" and leave it up to you to decide what to do with that information.

That's what I said!

OnMyWeigh464

I think if it was worded differently, then maybe it could be considered as "I want to show you off" but if it wasn't clearly obvious that this is what my husband meant, then yes I would take offense to it.

TinkrBelz

I'll take the guys side on this one, this is a heads up, look if you run into the ex and you are introduced for some reason, YOU want to look your best. Hasn't anyone been there before? I sure have, was out running errands in a t-shirt and some jeans and ran into my guys ex at the store and she was just getting off work and was in a suit and heels. I felt like crap afterwards because she didn't get an opportunity to see his upgrade. Because I was caught off guard I didn't have my best foot forward and you only get one chance to make the first impression. Call me whatever you want but I'd like the opportunity to knock it home and show her that he's got quite a catch. If you go and aren't looking your best and he didn't tell you that you might run into her, what's going to be the first thing out of your mouth? "Why didn't you tell me she was going to be there!" Your going to follow that up with knocking him upside the head and then mumbling to yourself for days about how you wished you;d have been wearing this or that, or that you'd fixed your hair or touched up your makeup.

Wow, seriously? You would care that much about what his ex thinks of how you look?

Because I admit that I am human, I know how women are and the first thing most women are going to do is run back to her "friends" and say I saw his new girl...now do you want her to say that "she's really pretty, and had this super cute dress on" blah blah blah or "you should have seen her, shorts, t-shirt, hair in pony tail"

In reading the OP I imagined the situation to be one like this.

Spring music festival.
Normally I would wear shorts or capris, a comfortable t-shirt and tennis shoes (I know i am going to be walking) I am dressed for comfort
but if I knew I was going to be meeting someone who my BF knows, I want to make a good impression so I opt for
Cute dress, sweater, sandals.

What is the big deal? Why does that have to make me insecure (another post) that I think that way? I'm not insecure at all that's why I wouldn't be bothered by what he said. No psychotic episode here because a man puts his foot in his mouth, I get it.

Rachel, you are so right! The ex would go to her friends and say, I saw "Bob's" new gilrfriend....she doesn't look that special!! I want the ex to think, WOW...he got a hottie!!!! I hate her! LOL!

va_va_voom

If it's an event that people don't normally dress up for, why would I dress up for it just because my boyfriends ex is going to? That's just stupid...

totally agree!

just4peachy

Have the current and the ex met before? If there's already some underlying tension/competition/whatever then I'd consider the "heads up" was perfectly acceptable. Is it that he wanted everyone else (not just the ex) in attendance to see how far he's upgraded? Or is it that he was trying to be considerate but sucks at words?

My guy has an ex that I'm fairly competetive with (she & I are hang-out-without-him-friendly, it's just our personalities to be competitive) and I'd want to know if she was going to be somewhere in heels and a skirt before I showed up in jeans.