ladies is he being a jerk or gentleman???

embersfallen

I think it's the way it's said * i really need you to look your best*......seems kinda condescending.... now if he looked at his woman, smiled and said something like, * i would adore if you would wear that amazing dress you rock the world in..I'd love to show off my smokin' hot woman!!! * or something...he would get the SAME result... maybe even better. All about the approach!

NiceTee75

Honestly, without actually hearing hm say it and knowing him, I couldn't say if he was being mean or not. But you know him better than any of us responding. But me personally would be saying thank you for the heads up because baby, I need for her to see that you have definitely upgraded.

And if I'm really honest, I know there will come a time when I'm going to see one of my exes and I'll want him to "Look His Best" and I don't want him getting offended when I tell him that because it's not to be offensive, it's just a reality. When a man/woman has left you, you want them to realize that they lost out on a good thing and realize that you are not sitting around waiting for them to come back. You've moved on and who you've move on with is the "bomb diggity".

As someone said earlier, everyday we get dressed, we get dressed in hopes that someone will notice the effort that we put in. And if anyone says different, they are lying.

So girl, don't take offense. And don't let any of OUR OPINIONS ON MFP mess up what you have at home. You know your man. Sometimes our opinions on here come out of personal issues. What I went through and how someone treated me does not mean that your man is the same way. That's why I said at the beginning, without actually knowing him and hearing how he said it, I can't give an opinion on if he was being a jerk or a gentleman.

Go show the ex what you're working with.....and when you get home from the event, remind him of what he has now!!!!!!!

Just my opininon....not law....

gnovi826

If my DH's ex is going to be at an event I would hope he'd give me a little heads up, but present it better. I would think that he would trust that I'm always going to want to look my best, so it would be more than a little sh!tty for him to iterate to me that he wants me to look my best. Also, if he said to me "I want you to look your best because my ex is going to be there." not only would that indicate to me that he doesn't think that for special events I try to look my best, but also indicates to me that he compares me to her and probably thinks that I don't always stack up. So to me it's all in presentation:

Jerk: "I want you to look your best because my ex is going to be there." (implied and I want you to try to look better than her like it's a competition)
Gentleman: "Hun, just to give you a head's up, my ex is going to be there and I hope this won't make you uncomfortable." (I give 2 sh!ts about your feelings and don't want to put you into any sort of compromising situation)

This. The original response indicates that he still cares what his ex thinks about him, which probably indicates some sort of attachment.

I would not define getting dressed up for your SO's ex is a good reason. There is a difference between being honest and being an arrogant, insensitive person. This goes for women as well.

reactor25

cut the man some slack, most men are not the best communicators and we read waaaay too much into their simple attempts. appreciate the heads up, shine up your *kitten*, and make it all about YOU!:bigsmile:

Exactly

TheFitHooker

If my DH's ex is going to be at an event I would hope he'd give me a little heads up, but present it better. I would think that he would trust that I'm always going to want to look my best, so it would be more than a little sh!tty for him to iterate to me that he wants me to look my best. Also, if he said to me "I want you to look your best because my ex is going to be there." not only would that indicate to me that he doesn't think that for special events I try to look my best, but also indicates to me that he compares me to her and probably thinks that I don't always stack up. So to me it's all in presentation:

Jerk: "I want you to look your best because my ex is going to be there." (implied and I want you to try to look better than her like it's a competition)
Gentleman: "Hun, just to give you a head's up, my ex is going to be there and I hope this won't make you uncomfortable." (I give 2 sh!ts about your feelings and don't want to put you into any sort of compromising situation)

THIS!!! I totally 100% agree with this.

cmriverside

bah ha ha. Eight pages of women pissed off at some guy pot-stirring. Classic.

bluemist248

Not cool. Why? Because I don't have the need to be compared to ANY other woman. Especially not an ex.

Exactly this.

TorridSkies4

I guess I'm an oddball. I'd totally appreciate the heads up. I love making ex's jealous haha

jeepwidow01

To me it would be more insulting if he said he didn't want you to go because she'd be there

To me it depends what he ie normally like. I've had friends who aren't told the ex will be somewhere and are mad their boyfriend / husband didn't say anything. If he is always concerned about how perfect you look I'd be concerned. Otherwise I'd say he is giving you a heads up just maybe lacking tact

I tend to lean this way on this one. No, the way he said it isn't the nicest way something could be presented. Unfortunately, there are too many people that lack tact and what they really mean isn't what comes out of their mouths. Tell him how it made you feel when he said this & see what his response is. My husband isn't the most tactful at times & sometimes he doesn't realize what he says is actually very hurtful & can be interpretted in a totally different way.

adriana_hackney

Obviously a man is never right, and it would be better for everyone if we'd just shut up and go fishing.

hahahahahahaha ^^^ this ^^^

Zylayna

Not cool. Why? Because I don't have the need to be compared to ANY other woman. Especially not an ex.

THIS!!! So THIS!!!

chachita7

hmmm neither - he is just giving the heads up - he wants to show me off and show her he has moved up to better things... HA -

Josee76

What's sad guy's is with a lot of woman out there... you are never going to win! You will be a jerk if you don't tell her and you will be a jerk if you do tell her! I am in the ball park of YOU BETTER TELL ME!!! and besides your gal, should always look her best for herself and for you! I just think it's a reflection of how YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF!!! and yes, I don't mind it if I am out and I get checked out... I put so much work into looking GOOD that I am impressed when a man notices! Call me vain, call me shallow... I don`t care... I feel GOOD!

I don't leave my house without looking good, why? Because IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!!!!

A guy on a thread the other day insisted that a gal who wore make up had NO CONFIDENCE?! - I was thinking WTF???? Are you kidding me?

Because I like good clothes, nice handbags, awesome heels and I do wear make up.... that does not qualify me as NOT CONFIDENT!!!

PapaverSomniferum

boys are dumb

dump him

FitBlitz

Some people in this thread have their ovaries in a knot.

Why is it that one sentence or suggestion immediately leads to "dump him/slap him" comments?

Are you guys really that frelling sensitive in person..? One mis-worded/jerk line-- and you end a relationship or revert to physical attacks? Amazing.

mommy1126

Definitely Jerk!!!! If he had been giving you the heads up, he would not have felt the need to tell you to look your best.

InnerPinup79

Jerk. What you should say is something like "we're going to this event and I just want to forewarn you that my ex girlfriend may be there. I want you to know in case she comes up to us and starts talking."

Your relationship with your ex is over, or should be. Does it really matter what she thinks or who looks hotter?

THIS. And chances are high that if we know an ex will show up, she will dress up. Women always dress up for other women and it has nothing to do with insecurities...to some it could. I know for me it wouldn't.

Lisseth03

sounds like a douche to me...
i would def not go. but that's just me.

MissingMinnesota

I'll take the guys side on this one, this is a heads up, look if you run into the ex and you are introduced for some reason, YOU want to look your best. Hasn't anyone been there before? I sure have, was out running errands in a t-shirt and some jeans and ran into my guys ex at the store and she was just getting off work and was in a suit and heels. I felt like crap afterwards because she didn't get an opportunity to see his upgrade. Because I was caught off guard I didn't have my best foot forward and you only get one chance to make the first impression. Call me whatever you want but I'd like the opportunity to knock it home and show her that he's got quite a catch. If you go and aren't looking your best and he didn't tell you that you might run into her, what's going to be the first thing out of your mouth? "Why didn't you tell me she was going to be there!" Your going to follow that up with knocking him upside the head and then mumbling to yourself for days about how you wished you;d have been wearing this or that, or that you'd fixed your hair or touched up your makeup.

THIS! Sorry taking the guys side. If I know the EX is going to be there I want to be looking my best.

GasMasterFlash

Some people in this thread have their ovaries in a knot.

If I said this to my wife, my testicles would be in a knot.

WifeNMama

Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????

Don't know his motivation, but I would never say something like that to my wife. She looks fabulous everywhere we go, but if she decided to accompany me in a gnatty purple terry cloth robe and her hair in curlers, I'd be proud to have her on my arm. And, trust me, everyone within my circle would treat her as if she were royalty.

This right here is why I think you're awesome. It's not about what the lady looks like, it's about how her gentleman perceives and treats her. If he treats her like gold, she's gold.

JustJennie1

Some people in this thread have their ovaries in a knot.

Why is it that one sentence or suggestion immediately leads to "dump him/slap him" comments?

Are you guys really that frelling sensitive in person..? One mis-worded/jerk line-- and you end a relationship or revert to physical attacks? Amazing.

Ha ha ha!! Indeed! I'd really hate to be in some of the houses around here. The men have zero chance at saying anything right! I'm fine with my husband telling me the truth. If I ask him if something looks bad on me I'd prefer he say "Yes" instead of "No sweet heart! You look awesome!" and then have me go out looking like an idiot. But that's just me and, well, we have an honest marriage. :shrug:

lizziebeth1028

To those suggesting how it should have been said - seems like you are taking it offensively on purpose.

If you are saying that you understand his intentions but he phrased it poorly, and therefore would have been offended. Doesn't that make you deliberately obstructive.

Nope, just offering constructive suggestions as to how he might phrase his request better, in case he hasn't yet said it, and/or to smooth future communications.

No....it's just basic communications 101. There is a proper way to say something and a way not to say it. That's pretty much universal across the board.

tquig

After reading this thread i simply want to thank you MFP for making me love my wife and for helping me realize that I got one of the more sane ones! LMAO

BTW- 'Ovaries in a knot' - f'n classic!!!

TheFitHooker

I honestly think a lot of it has to do with the man, some men just do not know how to word things, hell some women don't know how to word things. I'm guilty of that, I can say one thing and it comes off rude but I never meant it as rude as it came off. Face to face I don't have a filter, and usually whatever comes to my mind pops out of my mouth, he might not have meant it like he said it.

TinkrBelz

bah ha ha. Eight pages of women pissed off at some guy pot-stirring. Classic.

Not all of us would be upset. I would say, "Thanks babe, so what should I wear?" I would look super hot for my man because I love him. No offense!!

FitBlitz

Some people in this thread have their ovaries in a knot.

If I said this to my wife, my testicles would be in a knot.

Bahahaha. Well, I guess some people take it better than others. I'm a female and I don't have any issue with the OP's statements-- my only qualm is with how some women are so ready to jump ship or beat the crap out of the guy for the line. lol

AmoreCouture

I would say jerk. Now, if you just told her your ex was going to be at that event, most likely she will do the rest herself anyway.

HJCsDaddy

He shouldn't HAVE to ask you to look good, you should want to do it if you're going to a formal function.

($h!t storm commences in 3....2....1....)

hesn92

I would probably not go. It makes it sound like he doesn't think I normally look nice. But I always make myself look good when me and my boyfriend go out. And he has said to me things like "oh so-and-so will be there (an ex). She's probably going to be jealous. You are way hotter than she is."