Need girls and guy answers

meggawatt

When I was pregnant, I couldn't stand the smell of alcohol, tobacco, anything sweet or raw/undercooked meat. This might be a consideration as well. The 'biological contributor' didn't quit drinking, smoking or cooking meat in the house, so I barfed a lot and was constantly miserable.

Oh dear I just had flash backs to my pregnancy reading this post!! LOL - My ex was not a nice "biological contributor" even made me attempt to hold it for 2 hours on a road trip when I was about 34 weeks preggers. Let's just say he was lucky to have leather seats and I am lucky to now live 1600 miles away.

Failure to follow through on a commitment does not a good father make. I'd say talk it over again, if it's a deal breaker for you then you know the choice you have to make. But a delay on getting pregnant at this point is not at all a bad idea.....good luck!

lizziebeth1028

He shouldn't have said he would stop if he didn't really mean it...sounds like a lack of communication there. NOW, why would you want him to stop drinking as well? is drinking a problem here? I guess it depends on the level of drinking we are talking about. If he has a beer with dinner or with a friend that shouldn't be a big deal BUT...if he is going out to drink on a bender with buddies for the weekend and leaving you all alone...that would be an issue. I understand the not drinking together because of the baby and if that was the agreement and he is not keeping it...that goes a long way to speaking about maturity and if he is ready for the committment to being a dad. So many questions and also not knowing all the circumstances make it hard to give you a clear or concise answer...I'm not judging him or you...just bringing up points.

^^^^ you pretty much summed up what I was thinking!

1- he should not make empty promises
2- is there an under lying alcohol problem? what's the big deal if he has one or two?

Bottom line - you guys need to talk more before you have baby!

va_va_voom

I didn't and wouldn't stop. That's silly. I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited to have a designated driver, that my drinking might have increased during that time. LOL.

I got to drive my hubby's step-grandma home after Thanksgiving dinner last year b/c I was the only one not drinking since I was pregnant. lol

grinch031

I didn't stop and don't think any guy should have to stop drinking.

va_va_voom

FWIW - I don't think changing his mind about stopping drinking is a "failure to commit". He married her, didn't he? Now, he is supporting the idea of having a baby. He is obviously committed to her and their relationship.

I think this is getting blown way out of proportion from the little bit of information shared in the OP.

jsapninz

He should support you and at least limit his drinking to when he isn't around you (and that doesn't mean going out for drinks leaving you behind either). Yes you are having the baby but it makes it REALLY hard to not drink when your significant other is drinking.

But honestly, it doesn't sound like you have a choice, he wimped out of his promise, and I doubt any amount of nagging/pleading is going to change his mind.

You're going to have to be strong on your own, that or reconsider having children with this guy.

ajp913

I had a friend who said he'd quit smoking when his wife got pregnant... i'm pretty angry at him for not upholding his end of the bargain, and I have no investment in the relationship. If it's important to you... he should do it. If he never planned on doing it, he shouldn't have offered it in the first place.

1WorkoutAtATime

My last daughter was conceived while consuming a fifth of JD and watching a Christy Canyon video.

:laugh: :laugh: :smokin:

BAMFMeredith

I didn't and wouldn't stop. That's silly. I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited to have a designated driver, that my drinking might have increased during that time. LOL.

I got to drive my hubby's step-grandma home after Thanksgiving dinner last year b/c I was the only one not drinking since I was pregnant. lol

I was the DD home from my half-brother's wedding when I was prego, my dad took major advantage of the open bar provided by my half-bro's step-dad haha

MaritaD

My husband never gave up beer and I didn't expect him to. The only reason to give it up is for the health of the baby (unless we are talking about a lot of alcohol consumption). His drinking had nothing to do with the health of the baby so I didn't mind. There are other ways to show support and commitment that are much more important in my opinion. We both drank while we were trying to get pregnant and not only did we get pregnant quickly, both babies were just fine.

I agree, I wouldn't care in the least if my spouse wanted to drink if I was the one carrying the child. I understand you feel a little put off since he said it and is now renegging. But all the same you are the one with the baby in your body, so you need to decide if you want to sacrifice drinking for that baby. There will be so many sacrifices to be made once the baby is born. And it does fall on the mother more than the father. I'm not saying the father shouldn't pull their half of the deal, but it doesn't make sense for him to give up his beer for 9 months when he doesn't really need to. Let him indulge, I'm sure he will pull his weight more in other areas

AmberJslimsAWAY

sounds like someone I would want to have kids with too. Good luck with that

xHelloQuincyx

I rarely drink but when my wife was pregnant I made it a point to order her favorite drink and enjoy it in front of her.

wow. i woulda thrown it in your face. :]

iam_thatdude

no offense i think it is ridiculous to give up alch when trying for the baby. It makes no sense, but if you want to give it up fine, however I see no reason why he shuld give it up. This is the feminization of men.

sunshine__angel

I think it's a little disrespectful for him to have said it that way. You may be physically carrying and giving birth to your child but you are both having the baby. If I were in your situation and my fiancé changed his mind afterward, I would be upset too. He shouldn't have told you he was willing to stop drinking if he wasn't. And I think out of respect he should at least try to stop. Hopefully he won't be continuing to drink much after the child is born, so maybe he can practice in the months leading up to it. A night out once in a whole is definitely fine but I think it all depends on how much he plans on drinking.

Railr0aderTony

As a guy, if i was planning to have a child with someone and their commitment wouldnt even go as far as giving up booze with me, i would be seriously rethinking my choices.

When baby comes, theres going to a lot more sacrifices required than something as trivial as giving up booze.

pretty much this, starting a family will change your life drasticly, if he is not will to help now then will he help with the baby, will he give up his nights out with the guys so that you can have an evening to yourself? I think you two need another talk about maturity and if either of you are really ready for the giant commitment.

iam_thatdude

I had a friend who said he'd quit smoking when his wife got pregnant... i'm pretty angry at him for not upholding his end of the bargain, and I have no investment in the relationship. If it's important to you... he should do it. If he never planned on doing it, he shouldn't have offered it in the first place.

first off quitting smioking is hard, second off...why would u even give a flying F?

1Timothy4v8

Leave him alone! you should never get into a relaionship wanting to change the other person, and making some one change NEVER works so leave him alone or you will find yourself

missrable or divorced

iam_thatdude

As a guy, if i was planning to have a child with someone and their commitment wouldnt even go as far as giving up booze with me, i would be seriously rethinking my choices.

When baby comes, theres going to a lot more sacrifices required than something as trivial as giving up booze.

pretty much this, starting a family will change your life drasticly, if he is not will to help now then will he help with the baby, will he give up his nights out with the guys so that you can have an evening to yourself? I think you two need another talk about maturity and if either of you are really ready for the giant commitment.

Again no offense to either but I think both of these statements are completely asinine. BEcause a guy wouldnt give up having a beer when the wife's pregnant means he wont be committed to family and make the real sacrifices? Ludicrous.

boggsmeister

Umm, if alcohol is this big of a deal in your life, you both have issues. Seek help. Get to AA. Seriously. Healthy people don't fight about stuff like this.

teagin2002

alright so my husband and I want to try for a baby soon. Well I told him I was going to stop drinking next month and he said he would to. Now today he says why should I stop your having the baby. I feel like if he didn't want to he should have told me that when we had our four hour talk about it. I didn't push him into saying don't drink but now it hurts that he wouldnt stop.How do u guys and girls feel... What ould u guys do?

Lol. Where to begin? Um... he has a piss poor attitude from the get go.

Tell him: You get to pull out for now. Until you can get your s*** together.

^^ this!! I am the one with the piss poor attitude when it comes to having kids, and that is because I am just not ready yet. My hubby will say lets do this and that, and in the beginning I will be in then I will back out. It's because I am not ready yet, I want kids I just need to take care of a few things in me first.

I would put things off for a while till he is ready :flowerforyou:

erinkeely4

If I were going through a hardship, I wouldn't want my wife to share some aspect of the hardship for no reason. There are more productive ways to be supportive.

I agree with this. But what's important is what YOU think, and WHY. Ask yourself

joe7880

alright so my husband and I want to try for a baby soon. Well I told him I was going to stop drinking next month and he said he would to. Now today he says why should I stop your having the baby. I feel like if he didn't want to he should have told me that when we had our four hour talk about it. I didn't push him into saying don't drink but now it hurts that he wouldnt stop.How do u guys and girls feel... What ould u guys do?

The fact that he wants to drink in itself is not a problem but he said he would stop for you and now he won't. That could be looked at as a lack of integrity. Also, if he won't support you by not drinking, and won't support you losing weight (your profile says he wouldn't mind if you gained weight), then maybe having a family with this guy should be deferred and some marriage counseling should be in order.

My wife and I support each other in everything we do, including getting healthy. If my wife asked me to stop drinking when we have a kid, my answer would be from the get go, I will only drink when your not around

hiker282

You married a drinker and he's still a drinker. Kind of SOL on that one. It's what you chose, unless he started drinking after you were married.

Woolooloo

My wife is 8+ months pregnant, I didn't give up drinking (not that I do much of it). I didn't for our first child either. I also didn't give up sushi or any of the other things that we both enjoy that she couldn't do while pregnant. I don't know, it worked for us and was never an issue. I guess you need to figure out if it is an issue because it is a manifestation of deeper problems or if it is something you don't need to make into a big deal if it isn't one.

Michele7091

I'd have a beer.

Best. Answer. Ever. :drinker:

iam_thatdude

alright so my husband and I want to try for a baby soon. Well I told him I was going to stop drinking next month and he said he would to. Now today he says why should I stop your having the baby. I feel like if he didn't want to he should have told me that when we had our four hour talk about it. I didn't push him into saying don't drink but now it hurts that he wouldnt stop.How do u guys and girls feel... What ould u guys do?

The fact that he wants to drink in itself is not a problem but he said he would stop for you and now he won't. That could be looked at as a lack of integrity. Also, if he won't support you by not drinking, and won't support you losing weight (your profile says he wouldn't mind if you gained weight), then maybe having a family with this guy should be deferred and some marriage counseling should be in order.

My wife and I support each other in everything we do, including getting healthy. If my wife asked me to stop drinking when we have a kid, my answer would be from the get go, I will only drink when your not around

WHat if he said he would stop and then realized? Mu wife is a lunatic and ther eis no reason to stop...the fact that she wants is cuckoo would drive me to drink.

Lennox497

The issue I see is not the drinking, but it is the reversal on the decision not to.

To quote Tony Montana. "All I have in this world is my balls and my word - and I don't break them for no one."

If you make a commitment stick with it.

skinnywithin

They have a 12 step program for that...sounds like the drinking is more of a problem than you may think !

kennethmgreen

alright so my husband and I want to try for a baby soon. Well I told him I was going to stop drinking next month and he said he would to. Now today he says why should I stop your having the baby. I feel like if he didn't want to he should have told me that when we had our four hour talk about it. I didn't push him into saying don't drink but now it hurts that he wouldnt stop.How do u guys and girls feel... What ould u guys do?

What is your plan if your husband changes his mind in the future? Can you renegotiate? Sometimes people change their minds. Sometimes that has consequences. It's easy to play armchair psychologist and moral superior on a forum (questioning his character, integrity, etc.)

You say you didn't push him into the decision but that now "it hurts" that he wants to do something different. Is the issue him going back on a commitment, or that he doesn't have to sacrifice in the same way you do?

You will likely face both questions many times over a relationship. It's going to be harder when you are pregnant. It's going to be harder with a kid around. It doesn't matter what we do, or what we think about this situation. What do *you* think? What are going to do? Have you talked to your husband about this - that you are hurt by his change of mind? What's next? If he says he is not going to give up drinking while you are pregnant, what are you going to do?

The collective wisdom of the MFP forum community notwithstanding, I hope you have some support and guidance that is better than what we can offer.

BullDozier

There are a couple of issues at play here. As for him, it's a lame move to tell you he'd do something, and then decide to change his mind and back out on his word. Like other posters have said, once a baby comes, there's a lot of scrifice involved and giving up alcohol is going to be pretty minor compared to the sleep and free time that goes out the window with a child. If he isn't prepared to make a relatively minor sacrifice pre-baby, that could be a sign of things to come.

On the other hand, to the OP, why is him giving up alcohol so important? Aside from him going back on his word, what is the issue here? Is it because you have to go without that you feel he should go without as well, or is there something more? I've been married for 10 years, and sacrifices have rarely been equal.