Folks who are divorced/divorcing...
songbyrdsweet
Posts: 5,691 Member
in Chit-Chat
...how long were you together when you married? Were you 100% certain about the person or having any misgivings? Did your relationship change after marriage?
Just curious...I am pretty scared of marriage and my bf (who is an awesome person) would like me to make some faint decision about whether I'll want to get married in the next few years by June. We have been together 7.5 months so far and he's much more comfortable with talking about marriage and the future than I am.
Just curious...I am pretty scared of marriage and my bf (who is an awesome person) would like me to make some faint decision about whether I'll want to get married in the next few years by June. We have been together 7.5 months so far and he's much more comfortable with talking about marriage and the future than I am.
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Replies
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HS sweethearts...so together forever by the time we got married when we were 27/28
No doubt at the time
Things only changed after we had kids...in mid 30's..than he became a cheating pig..came as a COMPLETE surprise.....
Take it slow if that is what you want...no rush..if you feel at all like something is missing or doesnt feel right...DONT DO IT!!!!!
good luck!0 -
HS sweethearts...so together forever by the time we got married when we were 27/28
No doubt at the time
Things only changed after we had kids...in mid 30's..than he became a cheating pig..came as a COMPLETE surprise.....
Take it slow if that is what you want...no rush..if you feel at all like something is missing or doesnt feel right...DONT DO IT!!!!!
good luck!
Ugh, wow! You think you know someone. Thank you for the insight.
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HS sweethearts...so together forever by the time we got married when we were 27/28
No doubt at the time
Things only changed after we had kids...in mid 30's..than he became a cheating pig..came as a COMPLETE surprise.....
Take it slow if that is what you want...no rush..if you feel at all like something is missing or doesn't feel right...DONT DO IT!!!!!
good luck!
Ugh, wow! You think you know someone. Thank you for the insight.
Tell me about it!
Our friends....family..everyone was FLOORED
Thought we had the type of relationship you tell each other EVERYTHING..complete trust no jealousy
BUT that is my story..one story......marriage is a great thing..and I def. think it can work out.....believe in love and good guys!
No guarantee for the future....0 -
My husband and I were together 1 1/2 before getting married. We married mainly due to a pregnancy. We are in a rough patch now after 27 years together. If you are compatible, happy, and its what you want, take a leap of faith!0
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My soon-to-be ex-husband and I started dating when we were 16 and 17. We got married at 19 and 21 and had 3 kids. When we were dating, he had a porn addiction, but throughout the years it grew, and recently turned into a prostitute addiction. I can't live another second of him saying he loves me and then walking out the door and paying someone else for sex. We're just in the beginning of the divorce.0
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Only together 5 months before getting married, but I was 21 and goofy Seriously, we were together for 13 years after that, have a fantastic little girl. We both changed as we grew up, and unfortunately drifted apart. Rather than admit that, we both were mean and hurtful and did stupid stuff. For awhile we were mad and it was awful, but now that we have been divorced over 2 years, we are best friends and raising our 11 year old together. I don't regret a thing. Do what's right for you, but I'm curious why you are scared? My parents are divorced, everyone I know and their parents too are also divorced. Ugly fact of life, but to me, not a reason to never get married.
Also, no harm in talking about it with him! I admire him for being upfront with the fact that he will want to get married at some point and knowing that it is healthy and mature to find out early if the potential partner feels the same? Why waste time falling in love and committing to someone who can't give you the life you want?
Good luck to you!0 -
You've only been together with this guy for 7.5 months and he's already giving you an ultimatum??
If you're not even thinking about marriage or not even ready to talk about marriage I don't think you have to wait until June to give him an answer.
I'm divorced...but can't give good advice on how long you should be together or second thoughts. I was too young...the day of the wedding I didn't want to do it but went thru with it anyway. Made a good go of it. Wasn't until I got pregnant that he decided to start cheating on me. Come to find out he did the exact same thing with his 2nd wife too. So it had nothing to do with the amount of time together before marriage, or things changing afterwards.
I know people who were together for 7-10 yrs before getting married and are just as happy together as the people who only knew each other for 6 months.
Each relationship is different. Good luck 0 -
Married for 3 1/2 years.
He was my best friend for 3 1/2 years before that.
I had no misgivings because I naively assumed that the things that bothered me would clear themselves up when we were married (ladies - you cannot CHANGE a man. He is the way he is, take it or leave it, or encourage growth, but don't expect him to change for you).
Divorce should be finalized a little over a month from now. He didn't contest anything, but it's not been a pretty situation to say the least.
The thing is, marriage IS supposed to be forever, so if you aren't sure, don't do it. You have to be willing to give it 110%.0 -
Don't allow yourself to be pushed into anything. You've been together less than a year, you're young, what's the rush? I've been married and in my case it always turned into controlling, jealousy and cheating. I enjoy being alone and plan on staying that way!
On the other hand, my parents just celebrated their 57th wedding anniversary. They were 18 and 23 when they married.0 -
we were together six years before marriage. Married eight...divorce will be done next month. Looking back I think I always knew it wasn't going to work. we led seperate lives...once we had a child it was like we were roommates. Now we never really fought, and still get along now (except when his head it up his booty).
Most of our family and friends were caught off gaurd by the split as well. We kept a lot of thing quiet and just between us. even the friends I confided in didnt know the full extent of the unhappiness.
But, at least for me...the good years we had, even if not ideal, I wouldnt change for anything.0 -
We were together for 14 mos before we got married, but we had a baby 6 mos before that. Nobody is divorced in his immediate family, and they all have very strong marriages, so I thought that was going to be us. I wasn't very good at following my instincts, so when he said he was scared because what if he falls in love with someone else, I ignored the red flag and said that he better not spend enough time with someone else to fall in love with her! He actually changed for the better after our son was born. For about 4 months. Unfortunately I wasn't lucky enough to get the "I've never been faithful to anyone" warning he gave to the second girl he cheated on me with. :frown: I've learned to follow my instincts the hard way, so if there's anything that's making you think he's not "the one", then you should talk about that with your boyfriend. Talking to a counselor before marriage to make sure you both have the same ideas about the future might be a good idea, too.0
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Engaged a year, seven months married...had many misgivings...I'm an idiot.0
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...how long were you together when you married? Were you 100% certain about the person or having any misgivings? Did your relationship change after marriage?
Just curious...I am pretty scared of marriage and my bf (who is an awesome person) would like me to make some faint decision about whether I'll want to get married in the next few years by June. We have been together 7.5 months so far and he's much more comfortable with talking about marriage and the future than I am.
4 years. I was 100% certain he did not love me....mainly because he would tell me every time he got mad that he did not love me. Of course, he would also get drunk and ask me if I've been saved. Our relationship went from "I don't love you" to "I don't love you I only married you because you were pregnant." We've been divorced since 2005.
7.5 months isn't very long! I don't think it's fair for him to give you a deadline to decide if you want to do something in a few years. That seems a wee bit controlling to me. It's my opinion that if two people love each other and are happy together, that should be enough. If either party is feeling pressured to do something they don't want to do or risk losing the other person, then it might be good to step back and evaluate things.0 -
I met my ex-husband when I was 17; he was 19. We were together for 6 years before we got married in 1997. We had two kids together. I left him in 2008...we basically lived in the same house and had no conversation unless it was about the kids or the finances for the last two years ('06-'08). I even slept on the couch in the family room. We grew up together and then grew apart in complete opposite directions. He is a wonderful father but a terrible spouse.
For the first seven or eight years that I knew him, I thought he hung the moon. On my wedding day, I joked with my maid of honor that we would probably be divorced by the time I was 35.
Our divorce was final in September 2009. I was 36.0 -
Married at 21 to a man I met in Elementary school... I honestly didn't think it would last past 6 months... as the years passed I was always surprised I was still with this person that I really had no real connection to. 2 children and 17 years later I decided I was bored and wanted more and divorced.
I remarried QUICKLY... To a mean, physically abusive, controlling man that could have easily ended my life. I escaped from that hell after two years and I am now single.
I will tell you....that my gut told me all I needed to know with both men but I didn't listen.0 -
Friends for 12 years pre-marriage
Dated 2 years
Married 4 years
Divorced 3-4 years now
I knew I was making a mistake when I married him. Details aside, we were friends, but there wasn’t enough true love, respect, chemistry, etc to support a marriage. We remain good friends now. But I certainly don’t recommend debating divorce instead of marriage… it’s a bit backwards
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not divorced but....
We've been together 17 years. Situations change and you have to adjust. School, work, hobbies, medical, friends, where you live, kids... Those are things that both have to work at to keep the other person relevant in your life. if you aren't happy with the situation, it is your responsibility to let them know and either fix it or wait it out.
People change over time but you can't make them. if they are a **** now, count on them being that way forever.
My mom says she knew going into her marriage that it wouldn't work. my dad thought it would be forever.0 -
You know I am not one for settling but I also think love is overrated. My mom told me something that always stuck with me. She said I wasn't head over heels in love with your father, I new I liked him a lot, I trusted him and he made me laugh after that love grew from compatability as opposed to those loving feelings which can sometimes cloud judgement and often change with time when the newness wears off.0
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My wedding day was fun. I went to meet my then boyfriend for lunch, said "let's get married" he took off work, got married in his dirty work clothes, ME in a polo and shorts. An hour later we were wed. 30 mins after that, he threatened to annul it. lol I was young and stupid. I would do it in a heartbeat again with someone new though.
we were together for 3.5 years, married for 3.5 years0 -
Divorcing- Together for 2 1/2 yrs when we said I do. Yes the relationship changed after marriage, but not for the better. I was 100% sure before we married. But soon after the honeymoon, things started to change and here we are. I just filed final paperwork and our divorce should be finalized in a couple weeks. (been going through the divorce now for coming up on a year)
Every relationship is different. Marriage is hard, it takes alot of work and if both people aren't 110% in it, then I'd say wait. Unfortunatly, some people use marriage as an excuse to stop working for and trying to keep the other person happy. When that happens, its over before it even starts. If your un-sure, defenitly wait.
I also happen to still believe in marriage. But a real marriage, one where a man loves his wife un-conditionally and a wife loves her husband un-conditionally. A marriage where sacrifices are made from both, for both. Not where it's one sided and your the only one making sacrifices. I believe that you have to completely love and adore the person your married to, from all angles, you cannot be selfish and stubbourn and not willing to work anything out in the marriage. You sometimes have to be able to set your pride aside and learn how to talk things out, if you have these things, you have a recipe for success. This to me is an example of a perfect marriage!
Love is patient, love is kind.
love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful
it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
My marriage was those things, but only from me unfortunatly. If your relationship is all of those. You should be proud and consider yourself blessed. I'm in no way a religious person, but after reading this, before I divorced my husband, I realized we had NONE of these things and that added some fuel to my fire. Good luck in whatever you chose to do.0 -
My soon-to-be ex-husband and I started dating when we were 16 and 17. We got married at 19 and 21 and had 3 kids. When we were dating, he had a porn addiction, but throughout the years it grew, and recently turned into a prostitute addiction. I can't live another second of him saying he loves me and then walking out the door and paying someone else for sex. We're just in the beginning of the divorce.
This is where we praise Lorena Bobbitt!0 -
I have been married twice and divorced twice. It seemed that both men absolutely changed about mid-way through the marriages (about 5 years in).
My first marriage, I married too young (19) and found out later he was abusive but have two wonderful girls from that marriage.
Second marriage, just really stupid of me, never should have happened. I remember at the wedding thinking..."what am I doing?" If you are not absolutely sure you want to be married then don't do it.
After saying all this, I do believe in marriage and think marraiges can last and be a wonderful thing.0 -
I married at 17and he was 18, was with my husband for 20 years before we divorced..
Divorced due to him keeping secrets from me, and cheating.
He was very controlling, which at the time l did not really think that, but now after being on my own for 7 years now and just loving every minute. I plan on staying single and only dating sometimes now as l could never been in a relationship with anyone else after the time l had with my ex.0 -
We were together for 6 months before we got married...both 21.Were together for 4 years and I asked for a divorce.He has a porn addiction and he is a compulsive liar. But I had doubt the day he proposed and the day we got married...I know if I could go back I would have never married him..I thought I was just scared..Silly me.
Now I have been separated from him for 4 months so far and I haven't been this happy in 4 years.
BUT I do believe in marriage and love and all that jazz,just if you have any doubts don't do it0 -
Hi
I am divorced. Married when i was 27 and he was a bit younger than me. Divorced after 3 years. I think as you are asking this question you are probably not ready for marriage. It is a big thing to do and it is great whilst it is working.... still I think the most important thing to consider is that even if you are with a person for a 100 years you will never ever fully know a person....or what he is thinking/feeling etc...
it is a risk...risk of being happy and risk for things not to work out - but if you do not risk anything in life you gain nothing!!
so do not despair.... enjoy your time with your boyfriend but do not be pushed in making a decision if you are not sure....
take care x0 -
Would everyone agree that having read their text messages beforehand would have prevented a lot of heartbreak later? Am I right?0
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IDK if you are asking the right group. Maybe you should be asking happily married folks too. :ohwell:
I would suggest going through some pre-marriage counseling to make sure you have great communication, similar goals, and truly know what you're getting into. If you're into religion/church, there is probably an "engagement encounter" or something like that to help you start laying it all out there, but family counselors can help with this too. If I had done that prior to my disaster of a marriage, we never would've been married. Never ever. Ever.
Trust your instincts. If you're not ready, it's ok.0 -
We were together 1 year before we married. We were together for 17 years before divorcing. We simply grew apart. Mainly because of the chicks that he was bedding between us. He was also not the person he claimed to be but I stuck it out for a really, really, really long time. I was completely certain I wanted to marry him and the relationship was doomed from the day we met. But, I do not regret any of it, not even the divorce, for a minute. I did not want to be "divorced person", but everything has its time.
All that said, after getting divorced, I found the man who is everything I wanted. I did get married again and I am very happy.
There has got to be a reason you are scared. Divorced parents, friends, family members. Afraid you will get divorced because everyone else is. You don't have to be a statistic and if your boyfriend is an awesome person, then you have nothing to be afraid of. You can't base your relationship on anyone else's because you are different than everyone else. Just always remember that there is no perfect marriage. Just know that if you are both committed to the marriage, that will be your own kind of perfect.0 -
Would everyone agree that having read their text messages beforehand would have prevented a lot of heartbreak later? Am I right?
Amiright? Or amiright??0 -
<snip>
But, at least for me...the good years we had, even if not ideal, I wouldnt change for anything.
This is so true for me too. I'll never forget the New Years we sat on the front porch drinking a bottle of SKOL vodka, playing chess... because we were THAT broke.0
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