Folks who are divorced/divorcing...

La_Amazona

I think the worst part is that he's so sweet to me all the time. There's really no reason why I shouldn't want to marry him, and I thought I wanted to in the beginning, but then he became totally dependent on me. He's so focused on being with someone I feel bad for him. He's afraid of being alone but I'm not, and he knows it, and it upsets him. He's very romantic and I'm more realistic. He thinks I need to seek therapy because I'm uncomfortable around him when he cries and I don't want to think about marriage now.

Uh, no he needs therapy regarding his co-dependency issue.

I have gently recommended it before. He's improved a bit in that he no longer tells me 100 times a day that he misses me and doesn't get upset when I don't make plans with him. But he is still afraid to be alone and doesn't think he'll ever meet the right woman. He believes the 'one special person' thing.

Like I said, I was in a very codependent relationship (we both were) and it's tough to get out of that mindset. Codependency feeds off of each other so maybe his being needy is feeding you in some way???

Obviously, you're seeing red flags which is good. An unhealthy person (like I was) would be flattered the guy was all about her. There's a way for a guy to show he's into you w/o it being unhealthy, I now realize this.

Regardless, he needs help and the fact that you're feeling what you're feeling says that he's not for you. You deserve to be happy as he does too. Sometimes these things don't work out, it's part of life.

Jillian1104

Well, I'm not divorced or divorcing, but I came from a family with divorced parents. And, let me tell you that in the beginning of the relationship with my fiance, I was scared to death to even consider the idea of marriage. My parents went through such a bad divorce, and it left me messed up in a lot of ways that the idea that i would ever chance doing that to a child, was something I never wanted to consider.

However, as you'll notice above, I am now engaged and getting married in September. What I realized one day, after we'd been together through thick and thin for a few years was that you can't live your life, wondering "what if?" Yeah, there's a chance it won't work out... but there's also a chance that it will. Do you really want to let the potentially best thing in your life pass you by because of a "what if".

Now, obviously, I don't know your exact situation, and you'll have to examine the reason for your doubts (whether its just the idea of marriage, or something about your SO), but I say go for it. Just make a promise to yourself and your SO, that if you ever do end up in that situation, especially if there are children involved, you will make it your first priority to be civil and cordial to one another.

songbyrdsweet

I think the worst part is that he's so sweet to me all the time. There's really no reason why I shouldn't want to marry him, and I thought I wanted to in the beginning, but then he became totally dependent on me. He's so focused on being with someone I feel bad for him. He's afraid of being alone but I'm not, and he knows it, and it upsets him. He's very romantic and I'm more realistic. He thinks I need to seek therapy because I'm uncomfortable around him when he cries and I don't want to think about marriage now.

Uh, no he needs therapy regarding his co-dependency issue.

I have gently recommended it before. He's improved a bit in that he no longer tells me 100 times a day that he misses me and doesn't get upset when I don't make plans with him. But he is still afraid to be alone and doesn't think he'll ever meet the right woman. He believes the 'one special person' thing.

Like I said, I was in a very codependent relationship (we both were) and it's tough to get out of that mindset. Codependency feeds off of each other so maybe his being needy is feeding you in some way???

Obviously, you're seeing red flags which is good. An unhealthy person (like I was) would be flattered the guy was all about her. There's a way for a guy to show he's into you w/o it being unhealthy, I now realize this.

Regardless, he needs help and the fact that you're feeling what you're feeling says that he's not for you. You deserve to be happy as he does too. Sometimes these things don't work out, it's part of life.

His neediness really feeds off of me...it's draining at times. The old me would have loved this too. The old me WAS this! Now I see why I got dumped previously.

Darlingir

I've been married for 18 years...it takes work, understanding and letting stupid things go...It's a different kind of Love than when we first met. unconditional

sma83

I was 20 and he was 29 when we got married...we said "I do" 1 year to the day after we met. We were married for 7 years. Been divorced for 10 months. He had a drinking and drug problem when we got together that I guess I thought would go away when we got married and had a kid. But like someone else said on here, you will never changed a man. I couldnt buy diapers and formula for my baby but he had beer and pot. Our lights and water got turned off several times, but he had beer and pot. We separated 3 times and he always swore he would change, and he did...for a few months. Just long enough to get me to come back home. Then it was right back to the same old crap. During our third separation he cheated on me with a hooker and caught an STD...which he lovingly passed on to me because his lying cheating *kitten* didn't tell me. That was the last straw for me. I got myself tested, got my medicine and left his *kitten*. He cried, and said he was sorry and pleaded with me to give him another chance. I just couldnt put up with the lies anymore. I could maybe have put up with him stealing money out of my purse to buy beer and drugs. I could maybe have put up with him letting the lights and water get turned off so he had money for drugs. But him cheating was just the last straw. When he realized I wasn't going to change my mind and come back to him he got very mean and vindictive. His true colors really started show. He would harrass me and threatin me. It was awful. Looking back, I guess the fact that I almost threw up 5 min before walking down the isle turned out to be a warning I should have listened too! I thought I was just nervous...stupid me! It was my body telling me DONT DO IT! lol

songbyrdsweet

Yea, we don't even argue that much. We're pretty agreeable people. I pretty much always get my way. :embarassed:

Polly758

...how long were you together when you married? Were you 100% certain about the person or having any misgivings? Did your relationship change after marriage?

Just curious...I am pretty scared of marriage and my bf (who is an awesome person) would like me to make some faint decision about whether I'll want to get married in the next few years by June. We have been together 7.5 months so far and he's much more comfortable with talking about marriage and the future than I am.

I divorced after almost ten years of marriage. We knew eachother for less than a year when we got married. I was 18. It seemed like a good idea (18 year olds think they are sooooo smart). There was really no excuse, I was very stupid, I did not think anything through. He was fun to be around and that was it. We had a lot of fun but that is no basis for a marriage. The relationship changed CONSTANTLY after marriage-- I think all marraiges change because the people change-- but because we didn't know eachother long and didn't live together first we really had no idea what we were doing.

My advice? Stay scared of married. Even if you are confident making some sort of commitment to your bf, marriage is a legal contract and you ought to be really careful letting the government get involved in your relationship.

Also, if it was me, I would be a little distressed if my 7.5-month boyfriend started asking me about marriage. If he wants to propose, then he should do it. If you're not ready, be comfortable saying you're not ready. That doesn't mean you ought to break up or anything, just means you're not ready. TAKE YOUR TIME. Being single might be lame but please take my word that it is 1000 times better than divorce and regret.

songbyrdsweet

I was 20 and he was 29 when we got married...we said "I do" 1 year to the day after we met. We were married for 7 years. Been divorced for 10 months. He had a drinking and drug problem when we got together that I guess I thought would go away when we got married and had a kid. But like someone else said on here, you will never changed a man. I couldnt buy diapers and formula for my baby but he had beer and pot. Our lights and water got turned off several times, but he had beer and pot. We separated 3 times and he always swore he would change, and he did...for a few months. Just long enough to get me to come back home. Then it was right back to the same old crap. During our third separation he cheated on me with a hooker and caught an STD...which he lovingly passed on to me because his lying cheating *kitten* didn't tell me. That was the last straw for me. I got myself tested, got my medicine and left his *kitten*. He cried, and said he was sorry and pleaded with me to give him another chance. I just couldnt put up with the lies anymore. I could maybe have put up with him stealing money out of my purse to buy beer and drugs. I could maybe have put up with him letting the lights and water get turned off so he had money for drugs. But him cheating was just the last straw. When he realized I wasn't going to change my mind and come back to him he got very mean and vindictive. His true colors really started show. He would harrass me and threatin me. It was awful. Looking back, I guess the fact that I almost threw up 5 min before walking down the isle turned out to be a warning I should have listened too! I thought I was just nervous...stupid me! It was my body telling me DONT DO IT! lol

WOW. Terrible, I'm so sorry!

songbyrdsweet

...how long were you together when you married? Were you 100% certain about the person or having any misgivings? Did your relationship change after marriage?

Just curious...I am pretty scared of marriage and my bf (who is an awesome person) would like me to make some faint decision about whether I'll want to get married in the next few years by June. We have been together 7.5 months so far and he's much more comfortable with talking about marriage and the future than I am.

I divorced after almost ten years of marriage. We knew eachother for less than a year when we got married. I was 18. It seemed like a good idea (18 year olds think they are sooooo smart). There was really no excuse, I was very stupid, I did not think anything through. He was fun to be around and that was it. We had a lot of fun but that is no basis for a marriage. The relationship changed CONSTANTLY after marriage-- I think all marraiges change because the people change-- but because we didn't know eachother long and didn't live together first we really had no idea what we were doing.

My advice? Stay scared of married. Even if you are confident making some sort of commitment to your bf, marriage is a legal contract and you ought to be really careful letting the government get involved in your relationship.

Also, if it was me, I would be a little distressed if my 7.5-month boyfriend started asking me about marriage. If he wants to propose, then he should do it. If you're not ready, be comfortable saying you're not ready. That doesn't mean you ought to break up or anything, just means you're not ready. TAKE YOUR TIME. Being single might be lame but please take my word that it is 1000 times better than divorce and regret.

Actually I like being single. I kind of miss it at times. :embarassed: I like doing things on my own.

Kristinemomof3

Well I don't think marriage is anything to be scared of, I do think it's HARD work, but if you go in with the right mindset, divorce shouldn't even be an option. If you aren't even married, I don't know why you are even thinking of divorce. Too many people today just take that as an "easy" way out, when really, what's easy about it? It can be messy, expensive and if you have children, then a whole life of troubles. Now don't get me wrong, adultery and abuse happens, and I don't think it's wrong to divorce in those cases, but just "falling out of love." come on, how hard did you work to stay in love? Anyway, I knew shortly after I met my husband that he was the person I wanted to marry. It's not always been easy, but I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage and I know he wouldn't either. God bless!

DavetheHYNIC

I didn't read all the post on this thread but if it was a male posting it you would be bashed for holding up a good person who is marriage minded and you would be hammered for being wishy washy.


BUT I will say don't marry someone cause its time or you've been seeing someone for along time. Your a good looking chick you'll meet plenty of guys but you just have to evaluate whether you'll meet another dude as good as you got now. Decisions decisions

hollyeverhart

Hi c:

I'm pretty newly married, so no thought of divorce yet (hopefully never) But I will tell you marriage is HARD. Love is not enough all the time. Both people really have to want the marriage to work & be willing to make sacrifices for each other. I met my husband in 9th grade science & we dated 4 years, took a year & a half 'break' because we had only been with each other sexually/serious relationship wise (TMI sorry) & we were having disagreements about where we saw ourselves in the future etc... (I got rebellious & wanted a 'older' 'cool' guy BIG MISTAKE the grass is rarely greener on the other side..) but anyway we found each other again, realized the time spent apart meant nothing & got back together, got married a few weeks later & it was like we never skipped a beat. Our marriage is great, he's my husband & my bestfriend, I think you really seriously need to get to know someone before marriage so there are less surprises along the way. I know him better then anyone else & he would say the same about me, we were lucky enough to meet as teenagers, I cannot imagine dating now & trying to get to know someone well. Sorry for running on.... But I don't know if 7-8 months is long enough, I'm not in your relationship so I'm not sure obviously but I would think hard about it, theres no rush. Just make sure you get married for the right reasons & it's a decision that makes you both very happy c:

Good luck with whatever decision you both make c: I hope it works out for the best!!!

edit
We have been married since February 14, 2011 c:

Darlingir

A passionless relationship is kinda pointless to me It's not the ONLY quality I'm looking for, naturally, but it's very important. Nethers MUST be tingling!

I guess I thought it was normal for tingling to stop after a few months. But in retrospect, I have dated people longer than that and maintained tingling.

the tingling doesn't last forever ...I can tell you after 18 years in turns into something much much deeper

kimclaws

Not divorced....yet.... weigh everything into consideration, and take your time, the is really no reason to rush. We dated for 2.5 years, had 6 months of beautiful happy marriage and now, I feel like I need out. It feels wrong. So please don't rush, and think about what you guys have in common, do you always have fun together? do you have the same goals? just be realistic and the it slow. If he is the one you will spend the rest of your like with then there is no need to hurry into it.

PeaceLoveVeggies

I'm not married, but my mom and my dad met when they were in elementary school. They dated from middle school all to High School, then they got married in 1986. I was born in 1987. They separated last year. In the process of getting divorced now.

annahiven

I was married for eleven years, to a wonderful, amazing, loving man. I got divorced in February. He is still a wonderful, amazing, loving man--but I am not the same as I was when I married, and I couldn't stay in the marriage because I couldn't be ME.

My advice is... Don't get married too soon, and especially not if you're still young. Chances are you and your boyfriend are still growing into who you are, and sometimes that growth pulls you apart rather than pushes you closer. You want to make sure you grow together, not apart, and I think you have to reach a certain age before you have really settled into who you want to be, and how you want to live your life.

I don't expect to get married again anytime soon. Maybe never. It's too damn complicated to get divorced.

delilah47

All I can say is listen to your intuition. If you have serious doubts, don't do it. The way you know if they are serious or not; if they are not serious enough to break up, then they are not serious enough to avoid marriage. You could play it safe all your life and still end up alone. You must also think about your b/f. Is marriage something he needs in his life to be happy? If so, and you don't want to marry, be fair. You should turn him loose so he can find what he's looking for. If he waits years for you to make up your mind, then you don't want to get married, he will end up resenting you.

JamesThiel

25 years...... when deceit became her trademark

exdisneychick

My second divorce just became final Mar 20th. We were married 16 years this past September but seperated almost 3 years before divorce was final. We were together 8 months before we married. I had always said he wasnt somebody I would have ordinarily have dated. We should have divorced years ago. I stuck it out for our daughter. Bad idea.

My first marriage was when I had just turned 18. We were married 4 years and have 1 son. I have recently learned he filed for a divorce because of my mom telling him he wasnt good enough for me or my son. Do I believe him, yes. She is that kind of person! Its been 23 years since we divorced so he has no reason to lie. But we have done alot of talking in the past 9 months and cleared alot of air between us. Too bad my Mom ruined things between my son and his father... for that I will forgive her but will never forget.

Now I have been dating a man for the past 8 months who has been divorced 3 times! Two of the 3 cheated on him and the 3rd was plain psycho!! will we take the leap together? Its possible. Even though we both have been burned, neither are afraid of marriage.

songbyrdsweet

I was married for eleven years, to a wonderful, amazing, loving man. I got divorced in February. He is still a wonderful, amazing, loving man--but I am not the same as I was when I married, and I couldn't stay in the marriage because I couldn't be ME.

My advice is... Don't get married too soon, and especially not if you're still young. Chances are you and your boyfriend are still growing into who you are, and sometimes that growth pulls you apart rather than pushes you closer. You want to make sure you grow together, not apart, and I think you have to reach a certain age before you have really settled into who you want to be, and how you want to live your life.

I don't expect to get married again anytime soon. Maybe never. It's too damn complicated to get divorced.

I feel that I've changed so much in just the past six months. He is still emotionally young--also a sweet, loving, wonderful person--but way behind me in terms of emotional maturity. He is so dependent on me and the relationship and sometimes I find him to be something close to fragile. I'm just not comfortable with that.