Folks who are divorced/divorcing...

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  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,377 Member
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    My soon-to-be ex-husband and I started dating when we were 16 and 17. We got married at 19 and 21 and had 3 kids. When we were dating, he had a porn addiction, but throughout the years it grew, and recently turned into a prostitute addiction. I can't live another second of him saying he loves me and then walking out the door and paying someone else for sex. We're just in the beginning of the divorce.

    This is where we praise Lorena Bobbitt!
  • rammsteinsoldier
    rammsteinsoldier Posts: 1,556 Member
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    I have been married twice and divorced twice. It seemed that both men absolutely changed about mid-way through the marriages (about 5 years in).

    My first marriage, I married too young (19) and found out later he was abusive but have two wonderful girls from that marriage.

    Second marriage, just really stupid of me, never should have happened. I remember at the wedding thinking..."what am I doing?" If you are not absolutely sure you want to be married then don't do it.

    After saying all this, I do believe in marriage and think marraiges can last and be a wonderful thing.
  • tania2287
    tania2287 Posts: 236 Member
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    I married at 17and he was 18, was with my husband for 20 years before we divorced..

    Divorced due to him keeping secrets from me, and cheating.

    He was very controlling, which at the time l did not really think that, but now after being on my own for 7 years now and just loving every minute. I plan on staying single and only dating sometimes now as l could never been in a relationship with anyone else after the time l had with my ex.
  • saralynn594
    saralynn594 Posts: 321
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    We were together for 6 months before we got married...both 21.Were together for 4 years and I asked for a divorce.He has a porn addiction and he is a compulsive liar. But I had doubt the day he proposed and the day we got married...I know if I could go back I would have never married him..I thought I was just scared..Silly me.
    Now I have been separated from him for 4 months so far and I haven't been this happy in 4 years. :)
    BUT I do believe in marriage and love and all that jazz,just if you have any doubts don't do it
  • claymic
    claymic Posts: 34 Member
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    Hi

    I am divorced. Married when i was 27 and he was a bit younger than me. Divorced after 3 years. I think as you are asking this question you are probably not ready for marriage. It is a big thing to do and it is great whilst it is working.... still I think the most important thing to consider is that even if you are with a person for a 100 years you will never ever fully know a person....or what he is thinking/feeling etc...

    it is a risk...risk of being happy and risk for things not to work out - but if you do not risk anything in life you gain nothing!!

    so do not despair.... enjoy your time with your boyfriend but do not be pushed in making a decision if you are not sure....

    take care x
  • GasMasterFlash
    GasMasterFlash Posts: 2,206 Member
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    Would everyone agree that having read their text messages beforehand would have prevented a lot of heartbreak later? Am I right?
  • ChristiH4000
    ChristiH4000 Posts: 531 Member
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    IDK if you are asking the right group. Maybe you should be asking happily married folks too. :ohwell:

    I would suggest going through some pre-marriage counseling to make sure you have great communication, similar goals, and truly know what you're getting into. If you're into religion/church, there is probably an "engagement encounter" or something like that to help you start laying it all out there, but family counselors can help with this too. If I had done that prior to my disaster of a marriage, we never would've been married. Never ever. Ever.

    Trust your instincts. If you're not ready, it's ok.
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
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    We were together 1 year before we married. We were together for 17 years before divorcing. We simply grew apart. Mainly because of the chicks that he was bedding between us. He was also not the person he claimed to be but I stuck it out for a really, really, really long time. I was completely certain I wanted to marry him and the relationship was doomed from the day we met. But, I do not regret any of it, not even the divorce, for a minute. I did not want to be "divorced person", but everything has its time.

    All that said, after getting divorced, I found the man who is everything I wanted. I did get married again and I am very happy.

    There has got to be a reason you are scared. Divorced parents, friends, family members. Afraid you will get divorced because everyone else is. You don't have to be a statistic and if your boyfriend is an awesome person, then you have nothing to be afraid of. You can't base your relationship on anyone else's because you are different than everyone else. Just always remember that there is no perfect marriage. Just know that if you are both committed to the marriage, that will be your own kind of perfect.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    Would everyone agree that having read their text messages beforehand would have prevented a lot of heartbreak later? Am I right?

    Amiright? Or amiright??
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,468 Member
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    <snip>

    But, at least for me...the good years we had, even if not ideal, I wouldnt change for anything.

    This is so true for me too. I'll never forget the New Years we sat on the front porch drinking a bottle of SKOL vodka, playing chess... because we were THAT broke.
  • GasMasterFlash
    GasMasterFlash Posts: 2,206 Member
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    Would everyone agree that having read their text messages beforehand would have prevented a lot of heartbreak later? Am I right?
    Amiright? Or amiright??
    No, I'm right. :angry:
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
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    By asking divorced people you are of course going to get biased answers that just intensify your fear of marriage.

    A. Don't get get married if you don't want to. But you do have to be honest with him. He will have to decide what he wants more, being with you, or being married.

    B. Marriage can be wonderful and successful. I've been with my husband 10 years (he's in my default picture actually). We are pretty damn happy even though our lives are incredibly chaotic. People do grow, and change though time but the marriage can grow and change with it. You just have to be in constant communication. If something is bothering you, you bring it up and everyone works on it. Romance has to be maintained (flirting, "dates", talking about the future, hopes, dreams ect). You can't neglect your sex life either (ours is the best it's every been). Each of use have our own lives and identities together and outside of our families and we each support that for the other. It really can be really great, even for an extended period of time.
  • Tiggerrick
    Tiggerrick Posts: 1,078 Member
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    Second marriage, just really stupid of me, never should have happened. I remember at the wedding thinking..."what am I doing?" If you are not absolutely sure you want to be married then don't do it.
    This happened to me during my first wedding. I was standing there thinking "I should say no".
    Kudos to him for bringing it up... HE wants to know were you stand.
    Figure out where you stand, and give him an honest answer, even if the answer is "I don't know." If it's meant to be, a piece of paper or a party to celebrate the piece of paper will not change anything.

    edited for grammar
  • cristileigh
    cristileigh Posts: 158 Member
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    IDK if you are asking the right group. Maybe you should be asking happily married folks too. :ohwell:

    Agree... maybe tips from married folks would be a more positive response.

    I think you can pretty much summarize that most of the divorces could have be prevented had they listened to their own instinct telling them it wasn't right and this wasn't the person for them.

    I knew and but took a leap of faith only to wish I had listened to myself.
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
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    Married for 3 1/2 years.

    He was my best friend for 3 1/2 years before that.

    I had no misgivings because I naively assumed that the things that bothered me would clear themselves up when we were married (ladies - you cannot CHANGE a man. He is the way he is, take it or leave it, or encourage growth, but don't expect him to change for you).

    Divorce should be finalized a little over a month from now. He didn't contest anything, but it's not been a pretty situation to say the least.

    The thing is, marriage IS supposed to be forever, so if you aren't sure, don't do it. You have to be willing to give it 110%.

    both need to be willing to give 110% for it to work. 12 years married and it's had its ups and downs.
  • JellyJaks
    JellyJaks Posts: 589 Member
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    First marriage was a complete disaster. Got married after dating for 3 months (yeah I was a stupid 19 year old who never thought anything bad was going to happen to her...) When we moved away from my family and support system, he turned into an abusive *kitten*. We were together for 3 years before I finally got up the courage to walk out on him.

    Second marriage MUCH BETTER! We have our moments and man he gets under my skin in a way that no one else can, but he takes care of me like no one else does. We've been together for 5 years, married for 4.


    I honestly think it depends on how much work you and your spouse are willing to put into your marriage. There have been times that I've wanted to walk out on my current husband but he's always there fighting to keep us together. I think things are harder for us because of the abuse and my fear of ending up like that again but we're doing it. Good luck with whatever decision you make!
  • ZugTheMegasaurus
    ZugTheMegasaurus Posts: 801 Member
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    There's no sure way to tell. My parents were married 28 years (after several years of dating), pretty much achieved the "American Dream." Last year they went through the most bitter and vicious divorce I have ever witnessed, to my complete surprise. Even knowing them my whole life, I was shocked by how they acted (and still act); they hate each other now.

    You can't live for what might eventually happen, just take things as they come.
  • Toxictwist
    Toxictwist Posts: 274
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    I was married October 2007 & called it quits by Feb 2009. My relationship was rocky from day one, He was an *kitten*, but once we got married he thought that he "owned me" and the way he treated me got worse and worse. He was making plans with girl 10+ years younger that him behind my back & I eventually saw in his email that he had joined a dating website & had the nerve to tell me "that's not me"... his saying on the site was "if you can keep a secret, you can keep me"...lol... Wow, That when I called it quits & moved out & filed for divorce (should have left alot sooner BUT I guess I always thought things would get better)

    Would I get married again? Highly unlikely. But that's just me.
  • supermom2002
    supermom2002 Posts: 180 Member
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    Would everyone agree that having read their text messages beforehand would have prevented a lot of heartbreak later? Am I right?

    You are so incredibly right. Ex boyfriends/lovers/guys too. damn technology. makes it so easy.
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,855 Member
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    Together for a year but knew each other since we were 17 and 15.. got married at 22 and 20.

    Things did change after we were married on both our parts. We definately married too young and for the wrong reasons. He was completely in love/ infatuated as was I, but it was very codependent as well. That got old after a while... and yeah then he started cheating.

    We were married for 10 years. The big cheating incident happened 3/4 years before I finally pulled the damn plug. Best decision ever!!!

    Honestly, nobody can tell you what will happen. You don't even know. If you would have told me when I was walking down the aisle during my beautiful wedding that my husband (now ex) would be cheating on me in a year and a half (1st was emotional affair with an ex), I would have betted you my life that you had the wrong guy.

    You just never know. You can live in fear and protected but that's the not the beauty of love. It's being free.

    But like someone else said, if you're not ready- don't do it. Simple.

    Ex moved out in Oct of last year. I've never been happier. I'm not sure if I'll ever remarry but if I do, it'll be because the guy rocks my world in every single way. Even then, I'll walk in knowing that he could fail me and while it'd shock me that he'd cheat on me, my world will never be shaken the way it did when I found out my ex did what he did. I'm now aware that we are all human and I can't put my life in someone elses hands. I'm not bitter, just realistic.

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