Folks who are divorced/divorcing...
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I didn't read all the post on this thread but if it was a male posting it you would be bashed for holding up a good person who is marriage minded and you would be hammered for being wishy washy.
BUT I will say don't marry someone cause its time or you've been seeing someone for along time. Your a good looking chick you'll meet plenty of guys but you just have to evaluate whether you'll meet another dude as good as you got now. Decisions decisions0 -
Hi c:
I'm pretty newly married, so no thought of divorce yet (hopefully never) But I will tell you marriage is HARD. Love is not enough all the time. Both people really have to want the marriage to work & be willing to make sacrifices for each other. I met my husband in 9th grade science & we dated 4 years, took a year & a half 'break' because we had only been with each other sexually/serious relationship wise (TMI sorry) & we were having disagreements about where we saw ourselves in the future etc... (I got rebellious & wanted a 'older' 'cool' guy BIG MISTAKE the grass is rarely greener on the other side..) but anyway we found each other again, realized the time spent apart meant nothing & got back together, got married a few weeks later & it was like we never skipped a beat. Our marriage is great, he's my husband & my bestfriend, I think you really seriously need to get to know someone before marriage so there are less surprises along the way. I know him better then anyone else & he would say the same about me, we were lucky enough to meet as teenagers, I cannot imagine dating now & trying to get to know someone well. Sorry for running on.... But I don't know if 7-8 months is long enough, I'm not in your relationship so I'm not sure obviously but I would think hard about it, theres no rush. Just make sure you get married for the right reasons & it's a decision that makes you both very happy c:
Good luck with whatever decision you both make c: I hope it works out for the best!!!
edit
We have been married since February 14, 2011 c:0 -
A passionless relationship is kinda pointless to me
It's not the ONLY quality I'm looking for, naturally, but it's very important. Nethers MUST be tingling!
I guess I thought it was normal for tingling to stop after a few months. But in retrospect, I have dated people longer than that and maintained tingling.
the tingling doesn't last forever ...I can tell you after 18 years in turns into something much much deeper0 -
Not divorced....yet.... weigh everything into consideration, and take your time, the is really no reason to rush. We dated for 2.5 years, had 6 months of beautiful happy marriage and now, I feel like I need out. It feels wrong. So please don't rush, and think about what you guys have in common, do you always have fun together? do you have the same goals? just be realistic and the it slow. If he is the one you will spend the rest of your like with then there is no need to hurry into it.0
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I'm not married, but my mom and my dad met when they were in elementary school. They dated from middle school all to High School, then they got married in 1986. I was born in 1987. They separated last year. In the process of getting divorced now.0
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I was married for eleven years, to a wonderful, amazing, loving man. I got divorced in February. He is still a wonderful, amazing, loving man--but I am not the same as I was when I married, and I couldn't stay in the marriage because I couldn't be ME.
My advice is... Don't get married too soon, and especially not if you're still young. Chances are you and your boyfriend are still growing into who you are, and sometimes that growth pulls you apart rather than pushes you closer. You want to make sure you grow together, not apart, and I think you have to reach a certain age before you have really settled into who you want to be, and how you want to live your life.
I don't expect to get married again anytime soon. Maybe never. It's too damn complicated to get divorced.0 -
All I can say is listen to your intuition. If you have serious doubts, don't do it. The way you know if they are serious or not; if they are not serious enough to break up, then they are not serious enough to avoid marriage. You could play it safe all your life and still end up alone. You must also think about your b/f. Is marriage something he needs in his life to be happy? If so, and you don't want to marry, be fair. You should turn him loose so he can find what he's looking for. If he waits years for you to make up your mind, then you don't want to get married, he will end up resenting you.0
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25 years...... when deceit became her trademark0
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My second divorce just became final Mar 20th. We were married 16 years this past September but seperated almost 3 years before divorce was final. We were together 8 months before we married. I had always said he wasnt somebody I would have ordinarily have dated. We should have divorced years ago. I stuck it out for our daughter. Bad idea.
My first marriage was when I had just turned 18. We were married 4 years and have 1 son. I have recently learned he filed for a divorce because of my mom telling him he wasnt good enough for me or my son. Do I believe him, yes. She is that kind of person! Its been 23 years since we divorced so he has no reason to lie. But we have done alot of talking in the past 9 months and cleared alot of air between us. Too bad my Mom ruined things between my son and his father... for that I will forgive her but will never forget.
Now I have been dating a man for the past 8 months who has been divorced 3 times! Two of the 3 cheated on him and the 3rd was plain psycho!! will we take the leap together? Its possible. Even though we both have been burned, neither are afraid of marriage.0 -
I was married for eleven years, to a wonderful, amazing, loving man. I got divorced in February. He is still a wonderful, amazing, loving man--but I am not the same as I was when I married, and I couldn't stay in the marriage because I couldn't be ME.
My advice is... Don't get married too soon, and especially not if you're still young. Chances are you and your boyfriend are still growing into who you are, and sometimes that growth pulls you apart rather than pushes you closer. You want to make sure you grow together, not apart, and I think you have to reach a certain age before you have really settled into who you want to be, and how you want to live your life.
I don't expect to get married again anytime soon. Maybe never. It's too damn complicated to get divorced.
I feel that I've changed so much in just the past six months. He is still emotionally young--also a sweet, loving, wonderful person--but way behind me in terms of emotional maturity. He is so dependent on me and the relationship and sometimes I find him to be something close to fragile. I'm just not comfortable with that.0 -
Kind of sounds like you already know what you need to do. Don't let guilt be a reason to stay in a relationship.
Agree 100%0 -
Kind of sounds like you already know what you need to do. Don't let guilt be a reason to stay in a relationship.
Agree 100%
I am such a guilty person too! When I care about someone I don't want to hurt them. I am easily manipulated in that way...0 -
I met mine when I was 12. We got married when I was 14 (he lived in a different country(still does) and I was there off and on. Where he lives thats how they do things. I had many misgivings and wasn't sure if I should, but being 14 I was young ans stupid. A month a half later I got pregnant. I came back to America when I was 7months along. I haven't seen him since, but we were filing for him to get a visa to come here. I've been wanting a divorce for a while now, but I have a 4 yr old who wants her dad(they've never met). He ended up losing his passport and all paperwork and that was the last straw for me. So now I'm 19 going through a divorce. My advice is to make sure your ready and that you want it. Don't let yourself be rushed into anything. I've wasted 5 yrs of my life on a man I can't trust. Now that I'm going through this divorce I feel the best I have in years.0
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I met mine when I was 12. We got married when I was 14 (he lived in a different country(still does) and I was there off and on. Where he lives thats how they do things. I had many misgivings and wasn't sure if I should, but being 14 I was young ans stupid. A month a half later I got pregnant. I came back to America when I was 7months along. I haven't seen him since, but we were filing for him to get a visa to come here. I've been wanting a divorce for a while now, but I have a 4 yr old who wants her dad(they've never met). He ended up losing his passport and all paperwork and that was the last straw for me. So now I'm 19 going through a divorce. My advice is to make sure your ready and that you want it. Don't let yourself be rushed into anything. I've wasted 5 yrs of my life on a man I can't trust. Now that I'm going through this divorce I feel the best I have in years.
Oh I'm so sorry I'm glad you have moved on! You're very strong! 0 -
No matter how much affection you give him he will never change until youve dumped him and he suffers through not having you.
when a guy is like that its more obsession than love. If im right he seems real affectionate but deep down its just maipulation.
I was just like that with my ex and it almost destroyed me. Constant obsession, arguments sleepless nights ect .
It sounds like you pity him more than anything
your his supportive mother more than a wife from the sounds of it.
run0 -
your his supportive mother more than a wife from the sounds of it.
He definitely expected me to dote on him when he got emotional, but I refused.
Did your ex end it?0 -
yes over and over and over
then we moved in together.
mistake after mistake
if you dont feel atracted to him at all end it.0 -
yes over and over and over
then we moved in together.
mistake after mistake
if you dont feel atracted to him at all end it.
Can I ask how you feel now? And how you felt when it really ended?0 -
I met mine when I was 12. We got married when I was 14 (he lived in a different country(still does) and I was there off and on. Where he lives thats how they do things. I had many misgivings and wasn't sure if I should, but being 14 I was young ans stupid. A month a half later I got pregnant. I came back to America when I was 7months along. I haven't seen him since, but we were filing for him to get a visa to come here. I've been wanting a divorce for a while now, but I have a 4 yr old who wants her dad(they've never met). He ended up losing his passport and all paperwork and that was the last straw for me. So now I'm 19 going through a divorce. My advice is to make sure your ready and that you want it. Don't let yourself be rushed into anything. I've wasted 5 yrs of my life on a man I can't trust. Now that I'm going through this divorce I feel the best I have in years.
Oh I'm so sorry I'm glad you have moved on! You're very strong!
I'm glad too. Thank you! It's defintitly a lesson for me.0 -
I met my current husband (who I am working through a separation with) when I was 23, he moved in with me when I was 24 and we lived together for a year and a half. We will have been married for 20 years next month.
He is a nice person. He really is. He is also a lazy person and has been addicted to alcohol and drugs during our marriage. The drugs are what drove the biggest wedge in between us, on my part, I was so angry over his abuse of them. He quit them 6 years ago, but the verbal abuse and the neglect on his part had already done the damage by then. I have supported him completely financially (other than his disability payments) for 10 years. I am emotionally exhausted.
I am also heartbroken because he is heartbroken. I never have wanted to cause another human pain and I am tearing him apart right now because I want out of this marriage. I haven't been happy for years. He has, I haven't. I can't stay in this relationship any longer. But I am hurting him badly by wanting out. It's horrible.
If you have the red flags you have now, end it now before he becomes even more dependent on you and you end up causing him tremendous heartbreak. Because no matter how much you want out, it will break your heart, too.0 -
I was with my boyfriend for 1 year, engaged for 20 hours, married just shy of 13 years and divorced for almost 2 years:brokenheart: . The ex and I grew apart we were more like roomates. NOW ge get along great. We figured we still have a child to raise so we have to make it the best for her.:bigsmile:0
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Because no matter how much you want out, it will break your heart, too.
That is what I'm dealing with now. I just hate the thought of hurting him.0 -
Sounds familiar.... first marriage lasted 5 yrs- I remember the first two years alright- mentally abusive & gambling & alcohol addiction. I had 2 children. Second marriage was an escape from the first. Lasted 7 yrs. I figured pout real early I had messed up but didn't want to believe I had made a mistake. Both of them, I had misgivings saying I do. I didn't used to believe in divorce and thought it would last forever.I have been married twice and divorced twice. It seemed that both men absolutely changed about mid-way through the marriages (about 5 years in).
My first marriage, I married too young (19) and found out later he was abusive but have two wonderful girls from that marriage.
Second marriage, just really stupid of me, never should have happened. I remember at the wedding thinking..."what am I doing?" If you are not absolutely sure you want to be married then don't do it.
After saying all this, I do believe in marriage and think marraiges can last and be a wonderful thing.0 -
Was married for about 10 years, with her for about 16 years. Was I certain? Nope. Actually, I knew better, but I was younger and a little dumb.
I think the main issue was me growing up over that time and her not so much (she was older than me too). And she's beyond lazy. I told her I'd support her financially, etc 100% for the next 10 years so she could achieve something and be on better ground going forward.
Ten years past and nothing. She watched TV mostly, went to parties and other stuff. Although she did talk about going to college or getting medical training (or whatever that week's dream was) about 2-3 times per week, so that's something.
Oh well.
You learn and move forward or you become bitter and damage everyone else that comes into your life. If you hold onto the past, you stay there.0 -
He definitely has some growing up to do. I hope he pursues that emotional development.0
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Wow, this makes me sad... just asked mine for a divorce/sep. and he said NOPE...what the hell do ya do then...I want out...we are co'existing...attempting to retain some normalcy for the kids but basically I'm gonna have to leave if I want this to happen...I make more so I'm SCREWED! UGH! Totally into the whole over the top holier than thou nonsense and I cannot stand it anymore!0
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we knew each other 6 months about a year after marriage things changed. He was a workaholic, very low sex drive and by the time we hit 9 years he was cheating . 7.5 months is NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!! Don't let him push you into something you will regret later if you don't give it time. You need time to get to know each other...... for us 6 months wasn't long enough. Make that closer to 2 years.0
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GOT MARRIED ON OUR 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY I WAS 24 HE WAS 22 .. I WAS 7 MOS PREGNANT AT OUR WEDDING AND CRIED AT OUR DINNER AFTERWARDS ( PROB HORMONES OR MAYBE DEEP DOWN I KNEW IT WOULDN'T LAST) AFTER 4 YEARS OF HIM GAMBLING OUR MONEY AWAY AND HAVING TO MOVE TO A TINY TOWN IN TEXAS.. AND GOING TO PARTIES WITHT HE YOUNG KIDS HE WORKED WITH AND LEAVING ME HOME THEN MOVING US RANDOMLY BACK TO VEGAS WHERE HE QUICKLY PICKED UP HIS OLD HABITS .. HIS FRIENDS AND BEER WERE MORE IMPORTANT THEN ME AND OUR DAUGHTER.. FINALY AFTER A 4TH OF JULY PARTY WHERE HE AND HIS FRIENDS WERE THROWING WATER BALLOONS IN OUR HOUSE AROUND THE COMPUTER AND HIM YELLING AND CALLING ME EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK AND THEN PROCEDING TO THROW A HOT PIECE OF STEAK AT MY FACE AND HITTING ME WITH IT INFRONT OF OUR 4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER I LEFT.. WENT FROM BEING A SAHM TO WORKING FULLTIME AT A DAYCARE WHERE I COULD TAKE MY DAUGHTER AND IN MY OWN APARTMENT WITHIN 2 WEEKS..
OCTOBER 2OO6 MET MY CURRENT HUSBAND.. HE ALSO HAS A DAUGHTER SHE WAS 5 AND MINE WAS 4... IT HAPPENED RATHER QUICKLY HE SEEMED SO CARING AND LOVING AND AFTER WHAT I HAD WENT THROUGH IF ELL FOR IT.. WE WERE TOGETHER 2 YEARS WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT AND OR SON WAS BORN IN JULY 2008 AND WE WERE MARRIED IN AUGUST THE SAME YEAR.. IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY BLENDING A FAMILY.. WE HAVE HAD SOME ROUGH TIMES.. A MONTH BEFORE OUR WEDDING HIS MOM WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BREAST CANCER ( I WAS CLOSE TO HER AS WELL) SHE COULD NOT HAVE THE SURGERY.. MY HUSBAND CHANGED DRASTICLY .. I PSHED US TO JOIN THE GYM ETC HAVING JUST HAD A BABY.. HE LOST 100 PLUS POUNDS IN LESS THEN 3 MONTHS BECAUSE HE TURNED INTO A TOTAL MANOREXIC.. AND HE WAS MOODY AND MEAN AND DEALING WITH HIS MOTHERS ILLNESS AND OUR FIRST YR OF MARRIAGE WAS AWFUL.. WE NEARLY SPLIT UP 100 TIMES WE SAID MEAN THINGS BACK AND FORTH AND I STOPPED LOVING HIM.. FOR A WHILE ANYWAYS.. THEN OUR SECOND YEAR WE GREW A LIL CLOSER .. STILL ALOT OF FIGHTING.. AND THEN ON MAY 1 2011 WE LOST HIS MOM TO BREAST CANCER.. IT BROUGHT US CLOSER WE RECONNECTED BUT HAVE STILL STRUGGLED WITH FIGHTING OVER STUPID STUFF LIKE MY DAUGHTER BEING MEAN TO HIS OR VICE VERSA.. HE TENDS TO PICK ON HER BECAUSE HE HATES HER DAD ( FOR GOOD REASONS) AND I TRY TO TELL HIM NOT TO TAKE IT OUT ON HER.. I TRY HARD TO MAKE US A FAMILY WE HAVE GROWN CLOSER BUT WE STILL HAVE ALOT OF WORK TO MAKE THIS WORK FOREVER...THERE IS NO GUARANTEE WITH LOVE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE SOMEONE IT DOESN'T ALWAYS LAST PEOPLE CHANGE THROUGH THE YEARS AND THE WAY YOU ARE TODAY MAY NOT BE THE WAY YOU ARE IN 5 YEARS WHEN YOU ADD 3 SCREAMING KIDS, BILLS, A MORTGAGE AND STRESS IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU HANDLE IT TOGETHER AND PICKING AND CHOSING YOUR BATTLES AND LEARNING TO SAY I'M SORRY I SCREWED UP ROYALY.. AND NOT FORGETTING HOW YOU CAME TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE AND THAT'S FALLING IN LOVE .. ITS ALOT OF WORK BEING MARRIED BUT I STOP AND THINK OF ALL THE EFFORT WE HAVE PUT INTO THESE 6 1/2 YRS TOGETHER AND EVEN THOUGH WE FIGHT LIKE CATS AND DOGS SOMETIMES AND I REALLY HATE HIM SOMETIMES AND WE HURT EACHOTHER DEEP DOWN I LOVE HIM AND COULDN'T REALLY SEE MYSELF SPENDING AN ETERNITY WITHOUT HIM.. JUST DONT RUSH IT IF YOU ARE NOT READY AND HE LOVES YOU HE WILL WAIT.. 7 MONTHS IS NOT VERY LONG BUT THEN AGAIN SOME PEOPLE MEET EACHOTHER AND MARRY IN A MONTH AND IT LASTS FOREVER.. BEST OF LUCK0 -
My update from my other thread...
Thank you EVERYONE! I received such kind, thoughtful advice. You all are so wonderful.
Last night I ended the relationship. He was really upset and tried tactics to get me to change my mind (begging, crying, asking me to hook him up with one of my friends, deleting all our FB pictures and de-friending me...lol). But his emotional immaturity just solidified my decision.
This morning I went to a counseling session with him, but I made it VERY clear that my decision has been made and these counseling sessions are to help him gain closure. They're actually nice for me too...I mean how many times do you get counseling through a breakup?
This weekend his parents are coming down to help him move. He also needs his mom to come down and support him...which is a little odd at 27 years old, IMO. When my parents divorced, they were only 24 and my mom took me from my dad, and he handled it on his own.
I know I made the right decision. I feel sad for hurting him, but I am hopeful he will learn and grow from this like I did from my painful breakups.0 -
You are so strong! I'm very proud of you, even though I really don't know you. That's great that you went to counseling, too. Gosh, I just want to hug you right now! So glad you followed your head on this. Don't let him talk you into meeting him anywhere private! My ex is still trying to kiss me and stuff every time he comes to see the kids, and it's been 7 yrs since we split. :noway:0
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