I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

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  • jpombert
    jpombert Posts: 3
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    Stay with him forever.
  • Theresafinallygetsitright
    Theresafinallygetsitright Posts: 157
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    The fair thing to do is to let him move on and find someone who does find him attractive as well as love his personality. Life is to short to settle for only half of the equation. That goes for the both of you!

    ^^This!
  • leopard_barbie
    leopard_barbie Posts: 279 Member
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    Life's too short to stay in a situation you aren't happy with.
  • DominiqueSmall
    DominiqueSmall Posts: 495 Member
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    Well, nothing like good old fashion honesty. And I'm about to give you some honesty, from my perspective.

    First, reading your post. I get the impression you are both very young. With that in mind, I will say this. If you are both young you have a lot of life ahead of you. Ships pass through the night all of the time, and they just keep on sailing.
    Second, if you feel this way about him you don't love him. You think you do because you love getting the attention you are getting. He treats you good and you like that. As you should. BUT....if you don't have the physical attraction for him and you don't even like kissing him, you don't really love him.
    Third, he deserves someone in his life that is going to give back to him what he is willing to give. He is giving, but you are not giving back.

    So, that is some honesty..from my perspective. You are just both heading down a bad road and both of you are going to get hurt. And I doubt you want to hurt him. But...you are.

    It's better that you sit down with him and be straight forward and honest. Yes it is going to hurt him, but maybe you both can learn to be very close friends in the end. And wouldn't you rather have that, than to have nothing at all if you hurt him worse down the road?

    Seriously, think about what you are saying and what you are doing. Give this a little thought and ask yourself, "Do I really love him?". Or "Do I love how he treats me?"

    Are you willing to give back to him what he is giving you?
    And if you let this go on and you hurt him even worse, wouldn't you feel bad that you were not more direct and honest earlier and you could have saved at least a very close friendship?

    EXCELLENT ADVICE...
  • Argent78
    Argent78 Posts: 151 Member
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    I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

    I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

    I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

    I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

    Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

    Oh girl... Ive been exactly where you are in 3 relationships... and believe me, you are doing worse by staying by his side, because HE KNOWS you are not crazy about him, and that is more painful. long long pain... If you break up, it will hurt, but he will survive and find someone who really loves him how he deserves!! It is really hard to do, but THIS IS NOT FAIR TO YOU AND TO HIM!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE CRAZY IN LOVE AND HE DESERVES TO BE WITH SOMEONE THAT TRULY LOVES HIM.

    BELIEVE ME I'VE BEEN THERE AND I KNOW WHAT IM TELLING YOU!

    ps: I found someone I'm in love with know, and his presence makes me happy.
  • RachFace1000
    RachFace1000 Posts: 154 Member
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    Hunny I was in almost the exact same situation as you are currently in. And I let him go. It was actually the better thing to do for me. It's not fair to either of you to stay in this relationship. If you do decide to break it off though, try to take it slow. I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about it and we took two weeks off from each other (I did this so he could get a taste of life without me) and then after that we met up and I pulled the plug. He was crushed, and still tells me he thinks about me every day, but I know he'll be okay.
    As for the not finding trust part; he will. As long as you're honest with him there's no reason for him to not trust anyone. I kept telling my boyfriend when he accused me of "playing" him "now do you really think I would do that to you? I'm only doing this because it's whats best for us." and even if he doesn't see it right away (he probably won't from what I went though), he will eventually. And don't worry about becoming jealous over seeing him with another girl. From what you wrote he loves you very much and probably won't move on fast enough for you to be jealous. I wish both of you the best of luck!
  • kmuree
    kmuree Posts: 283 Member
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    All I can say is that after six years of ups and downs with my boyfriend: been there, done that.

    And it does get better! I have my periods of doubt in which his presence alone drives me up an absolute wall but the phase almost always passes. His good qualities outweigh any difficulties we might come across and I am horribly attracted to him outside of those phases. I was not attracted to him initially when we began dating in high school but years later I couldn't have found a better mate. He is kind, generous, sweet, wonderful and handsome to me.

    It sounds to me like you're eager to try dating others and you feel the relationship is stale. Either way, you are being incredibly selfish not opening up to him and letting him know. When I told my boyfriend back then how I felt, he felt sad but we worked together to find out where the passion went and why certain things he did bothered me.

    Turns out it was me the entire time!

    I hope that you find what is right for you and please remember that you only live once and your life should not be led in fear that someone else will fall apart without you. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
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    I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

    I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

    I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

    I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

    Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

    Just imagine yourself in his shoes with another guy that you love so dearly that you'd do everything for him however the guy doesn't love you but is afraid of letting you know & so he is there for you "out of force" & at the end you'd see him with another woman & you figured out what went wrong. See that is life, sometimes we need to feel hurt for us to become stronger individuals. Its part of growing up. We can't have everything what we want & I'm pretty sure he understands it. I said it before & I'll say it again, many times its better to accept the bitter truth than to say it. I would rather have a guy directly saying it to me than seeing him with another woman & just leaving me all of a sudden.

    I had one relationship like that before & I was literally scared to leave him because he had a history of attempting suicide before BUT there's nothing worse than giving him false hopes & so I took all my courage and told him straight about it. Was he hurt? Of course he is but the end result was we became good friends until now. Of course no matter how tactful your approach is, still he will find it painful but soon he'll get over it.
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
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    Put yourself in his shoes, would you want a guy to stay with you when he wasn't attracted to you and just staying with you out of pity?!?! Stop playing the guy, let him find someone that will love and appreciate him.

    ^^ EXACTLY, except that its not about her playing the guy, its about her being SELFISH for not giving him an opportunity to find someone else more deserving of his love.
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
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    Your boyfriend sounds AMAZING...and someone is going to be very lucky and very fortunate to have him.

    You should stop being selfish...and allow him the opportunity to be truly loved by someone else. Trust me...there are LOTS of women everywhere, who would love to have that kind of unconditional love and respect from a man.

    Looks fade...the spark dims...but love and friendship matter, when all the physical stuff goes away.

    Well said.
  • newerme15
    newerme15 Posts: 128 Member
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    Based on your answer, your priorities are out of whack with where a mature individual's should be. I am 40 and am married to the same person for 17 years and known him over 20. You sound like you are in your early 20's and more hung up on the physical side of a relationship instead of that part of a relationship that will keep you together. I am not saying this to be mean or hurtful, but you are still young. Your post doesn't indicate that the 2 of you have children together and you haven't made any type of life-long commitment. It is easy to fall in love with the idea of something treating you like a queen. But, early relationships are to teach you how to have a successful one with the right person. I say go with your heart. Tell him how you feel and take a break from each other. Sure, you will be jealous if he finds someone else. We all feel like that, so that is normal. He is manipulating you by saying how he will hate all women if you leave, but that is also normal. It is part of learning how to have a relationship. Finally, you don't say you are in love with him or love him unconditionally, but that he feels this way about you. Don't settle. End it and see if it was meant to be. Good luck!

    This
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    I am interested to hear what happened. I have been feeling great since I left my ex. I know it sounds awful. But I had a fling afterward and it was sexy, fun, and terminal (we knew he was leaving for Germany in 2 weeks). I felt feminine again not having to mother someone (my ex had some serious mommy issues). I do not regret my choice at ALL.
  • gertudejekyl
    gertudejekyl Posts: 386 Member
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    Don't you think He deserves someone who really desires and appreciates him? He won't get that if he stays with you.
  • lloydrt
    lloydrt Posts: 1,121 Member
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    gertrude, I agrree with you. This person wants her cake and eat it too. The guy is one in a million and yet she seems unhappy

    wonder if her next man will fall into the same thing..........
  • jodycoady
    jodycoady Posts: 598 Member
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    You aren't doing him any favours, and it's no good for you to be with someone who grosses you out. Don't go out and cheat either, because all that lying and sneaking around is wrong.

    I've been in that situation before, breaking up with a super nice guy is tough, who really wants to be a heartbreaker? Just sigh, take a deep breath and just do it.
  • 2kidzlater
    2kidzlater Posts: 134 Member
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    It may be hard, but your doing a disservice to you and to him. If you end up with him and have kids then you will hurt them also. Yea breaking up sucks and it's true hearts don't break even. I was dumped after being lyed and cheated on. It was the worst time of my life and It took me 2 years to move on. I am married to a wonderful man with two great children (which I wouldn't have if I stayed). The ex is with the girl he cheated on with and have 4 kids and live in the basement of his moms house. So life may need to get worse before it get's better but in the long run you'll both get what you deserve. Also, what if you meet someone else, fall in love. Don't you think if you cheat on him he'll then have a reason to not trust another. The other good thing is breaking up usually leads to dropping weight fast.
    Good luck, I know it won't be easy.
  • Foodaholic4Life
    Foodaholic4Life Posts: 15
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    You've never been attracted to him, but you grew to love the security of him paying your bills. That's what I get from all this. Pathetic. Yes, please do WHAT MAKES YOU happy, because - bottom line - that's what it's all about. You'll find another guy that can pay your bills and put up with your other issues.

    Damn, I need a cup of coffee.
  • AhronR
    AhronR Posts: 6
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    Be honest to him and yourself and go your seprate ways, life is too short time is too precious, you got move on and be happy, no pont in being miserable you'll regrett it later, sure feeling may be hurt hearts might be broken , but time heals all that .
  • 4thehardman
    4thehardman Posts: 731 Member
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    Maybe all that stuff he sais is because he thinks thats what you want to hear......maybe in the end he would be happier and better off without you. Ever considered just for a second that he is unhappy in the relationship too? If he doesn't know how you feel maybe you don't have the whole picture either?
    You could just grow up a little bit and talk to the guy. Relationships don't have to be so complicated. Its not as if he won't ever find someone else.
  • Pocket_Pixi
    Pocket_Pixi Posts: 1,167 Member
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    It has probably been said as i didn't read all 9 pages of comments.

    If you are unhappy leave, why stay and be miserable just because he said he would be a cold hearted person that doesn't trust women again??? That's on him, not you, it is however a great way to guilt you into staying with him.


    I have an ex who did this, I stayed (stupidly) for 6 months until my best friend and I went for coffee and I was complaining and he interrupted me in the middle of a sentence and said "WTF, seriously this is not you, you have NEVER done this. Stop it." I looked at him and he said "you are not a complainer and if you are unhappy/bored/annoyed you always leave why are you staying?" So I listed the reasons why, and he literally slapped me upside the back of the head. I broke up with my ex 2 days later and never looked back and guess what, he is in a new relationship, with a new girl, and they have their whole future planned out... so telling you that he will never love again and that he is not going to trust another woman again is BS.

    Imagine yourself in 20 years... still with this man that you are not attracted to resenting him because YOU didn't leave, would you be happy? More than likely not.

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