I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

sktllmdrhmz

I still feel like one of the few who isn't convinced that this guy is nice at all. And even so, "nice" isn't the point here. If you don't like him you don't f'n like him.

Anybody remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about a guy/girl being "on the hook?" This guy is on your hook.

For everybody out there, there's probably a person or a few people that would worship the ground you walk on and be the "epitome of a perfect" boyfriend/girlfriend. That does not, however, mean that you do or ever will give a flying **** about them.

So he's "nice" to you. Big ****in' deal.

TheDoctor90

I still feel like one of the few who isn't convinced that this guy is nice at all. And even so, "nice" isn't the point here. If you don't like him you don't f'n like him.

Anybody remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about a guy/girl being "on the hook?" This guy is on your hook.

For everybody out there, there's probably a person or a few people that would worship the ground you walk on and be the "epitome of a perfect" boyfriend/girlfriend. That does not, however, mean that you do or ever will give a flying **** about them.

So he's "nice" to you. Big ****in' deal.

I like this guys way of thinking. :drinker:

kadins_momma07

I think that the dynamics of the relationship are affecting you more than you realize. You actually don't mention anything physical, but say you're not attracted to him and list a lot of things that make me raise an eyebrow, so I'll try to address them one at a time:

He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

This makes me wonder about your self-esteem and how it's working in your relationship. He's "patient enough" to "put up" with your shortcomings and "helping you out." The way you describe that makes it sound like these are extras that most boyfriends wouldn't do, like he's going out of his way and you couldn't expect anyone else to do that. But in reality, those are things that any loving partner does. Even someone who does those things might be far from perfect; it's really the bare minimum.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

This seems like a BIG problem. Like, incredibly serious. If you feel like you're trapped, that is going to suck the fun and the passion out of the relationship. Read back the things you're saying. If you leave, it's your fault that he becomes a terrible human being. You have no right to leave because HE has decided that you need to be together. You're representative of every woman on the planet.

None of that is fair or true. You do not control any other person, no matter how much they say it. If he would become a heartless person, that's on him. If he is so narrow-minded that he bases his perception of over half the global population on one person's behavior, he's got some problems. None of it has anything to do with you.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

Is this an issue only with him, or are you like this generally in any relationship? I have an EXTREMELY difficult time with physical affection, even when the feelings are there. I am not someone who expresses myself physically and never have been; I don't get the same feeling from holding or hugging or kissing that other people seem to. It used to be a stumbling block in my relationship, but we compromise: I make an effort to show my boyfriend the affection he needs, and he accepts that I express myself differently and doesn't take it personally. It's a matter of mutual respect and understanding.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

What is it that you think of when you're thinking of these other guys? Is it a sexual fling you're imagining, or another long-term relationship? Is it merely a fantasy or is it something you'd really like to pursue?

What I'm getting at is that there is a big difference between being bored and looking around at what's new and exciting, and actually being dissatisfied with your partner. I think most people in long-term committed relationships have periods where they find themselves fantasizing or imagining other sexual partners, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't possibly control your every thought; all you're obligated to do in a relationship is to control your behavior.

As a final thought, I think that sexual attraction is closely related to a lot of non-physical factors (at least I find that true in my own case). I never feel attracted to random people I don't know, but it has happened with people that I really get along with. And like in your case, I wasn't particularly attracted to my boyfriend at first, but once we got to know each other and really clicked in a lot of ways, he became incredibly sexy to me. We're coming up on nine years together, and despite gaining weight and going through different aesthetic changes (some good, some mistakes), we've never had a problem feeling attracted to each other because it's not just about maintaining a certain appearance.

What she said!! ^

You've got a lot of thinking and soul searching to do! If you can't find the answer within yourself and fix the problem, then you need to talk to him, he doesn't deserve to be lead on and you don't need to live your life miserable and in a relationship that you aren't even sure you want to be in. Don't waste both his time and yours if it is not something you whole heartedly want. I heard this quote once and it is totally true, for me anyway. "I'd rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty little lie"!

Pohudet

I still feel like one of the few who isn't convinced that this guy is nice at all. And even so, "nice" isn't the point here. If you don't like him you don't f'n like him.

:laugh:
I like that!
This poor girl sleeps with an unattractive guy because he threatens her that he would become a cold heartless person and because he gives her money "when she needs it". Isnt it pathetic?!!
Girl, lose some weight, lose this guy, find many attractive guys to choose from, not necessarily in that order.

kadins_momma07

As a man myself, I will say you are not doing him any favors by being his "pity" girlfriend. Not trying to be harsh, but as an adult you need to be up front with him and move on. While there is nothing wrong with "who" or "what" you are attracted to, there is DEFINITELY something wrong with you stringing another individual along, especially when they care for you so much.

Take this advice (ANY advice for that fact) with a grain of salt, but I will promise you this: If you continue with false feelings it will eventually come out and in a worse way than you can imagine.

Think about it, would you want to be with someone when they personally don't appreciate you? Of course not.

By the way, the comment about 'you know you will regret leaving him if he found someone else' (paraphrasing), that is "None of your business!" If you let him go, he's allowed to be his own person and do whatever he wants. It sounds to me that you want to have your cake and eat it too. You are fine with him showering you with attention, paying your bills, and making you feel special. Just know from here on out, if you continue with this disguised malevolent relationship cycle then you are making a conscious decision to hurt another individual. Believe me, its not so fun when it happens to you! To add, on some level he can tell. He may not want to accept the truth, but you can feel another individual's emotion. He is aware on some level that you are not completely there.

Moral of Story: If you can do nothing else, at least give him the gift of honesty and the ability to find his own happiness. You owe him that much!

Totally agree!!

1shauna1

You can't stay in a relationship for someone else. You don't say how old you are, but can you imagine 10, 20, 30 years with this person? How is that fair to yourself (or to him actually). As mentioned, you need to talk with him...and probably need to end things. It does sound a little like threats that if things don't work, he's going to become cold & never trust a woman again, suggesting that it'll be all your fault.

dipsl19

So, I thought about it and decided what was more important to me. To have someone that turned me on or someone that would always love me. At 21, looks seem to be important to me but I'm going to get old and so is he. I was very attracted to my ex- but he led me on for 2 years and cheated on me several times. So, I'm sticking with the man I love and hoping he pops the question soon.

just my opinion,.. but you can and should have BOTH! settling for anything less might just mean he's not right for you. i wasnt attracted to my boyfriend at all when we first met (as friends) but then i grew to love him for what he is mentally AND physically. and now i cant image ever being with anyone else, or feeling more attached and connected with someone. thats what you should feel when its the RIGHT one. promise.


if the OP feels so strongly about being disgusted by him to the point where you find him annoying and dont want him to hug or kiss you, its just not right. you have to tell him, for both of you. he will learn and grow from this, even if heis hurting for a while he's young and he will heal. its not better to pretend you like him and play a role that's just a lie. it wont get anyone anywhere.

Aineko

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

Sounds like there is lack of self esteem on both sides. I like compassionate, kind people its way more important to me than looks but the whole "nice"guy label is usually stuck on someone who is actually a "needy" guy.

precisely!!! and then you end up being a 'heartless b!tch" coz you stopped loving the "nice guy" and broke up with him ("but how could you!? he would do everything for you!" - no, he would do everything to keep me by his side, because it reinforces his self-esteem).

saustin201

Don't string him along. I know it will hurt him and you, but you need to allow him to find someone else.

jeardawg

:bigsmile:

Break up with him, crush his soul break it off nice and clean.

Sure he used emotional blackmail to keep you close, but if he does become cold and uncaring look on the bright side, then he will be the newest bad guy on the market and women will eat it up, everyone loves the bad guy. He will be irrisitable to all the other fish.:smokin:

because if there is one opposition to the fact that good guys finish last, its that young women love angry men that treat them like garbage :devil:

HorrorChix89

because if there is one opposition to the fact that good guys finish last, its that young women love angry men that treat them like garbage :devil:

Speak for yourself

jeardawg

I am being facetious......Mostly.

Ilovedrinkingtea

So you've been faking it this whole time?! That's no way to treat anyone. You both deserve better. LEAVE!!!xx

iva001

Ignore everyone who is insulting you. They have hurt feelings from being dumped and are taking it out on you

You cannot pretend to be happy for his sake, you will look back on that period of time and realise it was a waste of time. You BOTH deserve to be with someone who appreciates and loves you and is attracted to you.

Edit: Someone told you to be honest and tell him you don't find him physically attractive. DON'T do that. A white lie is OK sometimes.

Natx83

He should leave you in my honest oppinion. If only he knew.

jeardawg

Some people are just not made for one another. That is something for you to decide you should make a decision decisively and not string him along. I think you each have some insecurity issues and perspectives that need some consideration. He should not be using emotional blackmail on you, and he should not always be living in the shadow of your attraction to other men. In reality at 24, its hard to explain to you what is really important in a relationship, and even when you approach 40 you are only starting to learn. The only word of caution I would throw out, is that if you feel comfortable and happy with this guy in other areas beyond the attraction level, one day you may come to realize that attraction physically is really something that is most important at the begining of a relationship. We all age, and age does some unkind things to all of our bodies, its companionship and what you have in common that really matters.

Tzippy7

I was in this situation for a while, and broke up in february. He still tells me that I am the love of his life and he will never be in a relationship again. But I had to do it. It wasnt fair to either of us to stay in the relationship when I wanted to be somewhere else, with other people. Hurting someone you love sucks, I think breaking up with him was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I dont regret it.

JamieSK

I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

That is the problem with sleeping with your BF. Bonding takes place. And you stick with it because of the bond, and not because you decided that you wanted to live the rest of your life with this person, and decided to marry. Now, if you leave, he gets badly hurt.

The problem with living together is that you are practicing a lack of commitment, in case something better comes along, and the couple ends up using each other, or maybe one of them uses the other. That is why living together is a really bad thing to do over the long run.

My question to you is: what are you looking for?

Some version of romance fiction? A bodice buster? Cheap passion? Hot sex and heartache? Or a good man who will be a good husband and a great father to your children?

If you loved your man, you would be ready for a little self-sacrifice, instead of peeking over his shoulder and trying to see if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. In any good marriage, desire waxes, wanes, and grows strong again. Love is not about feelings, but about commitment. You work at that, and everything else falls into place, including the desire.

EXCELLENT!!!

djsupreme6

wow...this story blows my mind....really though..what you are doing is very shallow and very selfish...obviously the guys loves ya..and you are very aware of it...yet..thinkin bout other fellas...you know...sounds like you want to keep him as a placeholder until somebody else comes along...want that cake and eat it too huh...it's not fair to him...it's not about how you feel about it...you're destroying him cause I guarantee he has it somewhat in his mind how you fee but probably blames it on something he's doing....you know...maybe you should just leave him..and perhaps he'll be just fine without out you...can't be much worse then doing things for and loving someone who don't love ya back...its not your call

feltlikesound

This is bizarre. You are both not ready for this relationship -- he is manipulating you with emotional blackmail in order to keep you, and you are opting to stay with him out of obligation, not sincere partnership. Attraction is what separates a solid friendship or room mate from a romantic partnership. You can certainly work at being physically connected to someone, but I am not sure that is right for this situation --- my gut says it is too far gone for BOTH of you. He is too insecure to be in a long term, stable partnership, and you are not reciprocating the relationship he thinks he has with you.