I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

fteale

The physical attraction thing lasts 7 years, tops. Friendship is the important thing in a marriage, not lust. The physical side comes and goes, but to spend you life with someone, you have to be best friends first.

aquasw16

You know you think you are thinking about him, but really you aren't. This is all revolving back to YOU. You need to leave him. Allow him to find a woman who will love him for the wonderful man he is and be super attracted to him and want him! It isn't fair of you to hold onto him because "You can't leave him." He can live without you, and he will probably have a better relationship with someone else.

Still_Fluffy

As a guy, tell him the truth and bump him so HE can move on with his life. Dragging things alone becuase you don't want to hurt him is you not wanting to feel bad. Its like a bandaid, it hurts a lot more if you pull it off slowly. Just dump him, but be kind and move one. Good luck.

7funnygirl7

I feel this way about my hubby :embarassed: :frown: :sad: :blushing: :-(

pitbulllover

I think that he deserves much better than what you're giving him, and you need to make a choice. Either become the girl that he deserves, or set him free to find that girl.

You have to understand that physical attraction is nothing. We all look at other people and are sexually curious, that's normal, and that's all it is. We don't act on it, and it doesn't make us look at our partners as any less of a person because there's more attractive people in this world (there will ALWAYS be someone more attractive). Also, if sex isn't what you want it to be, it's FUN to make it better! Spice things up, play around, teach him what you like. Have fantasies about whatever/whoever you want, but realize that they're just fantasies. And remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it. And all the important qualities in a man that you'd want, the things you can't change, those ARE what your boyfriend has!!

If all of that sounds completely unappealing to you, then you need to tell your boyfriend so he can find someone that's willing to love him for ALL that he is, not just a shoulder to cry on or someone to come running when you need him or an endless supply of money. Right now, you're just using him. Don't do that. And no excuses about not wanting to hurt him... the longer you stay with him, the more damage you're doing.

I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

JadeRabbit08

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

Sounds like there is lack of self esteem on both sides. I like compassionate, kind people its way more important to me than looks but the whole "nice"guy label is usually stuck on someone who is actually a "needy" guy.

My philosophy about "nice " guys is pretty well summed up in this article.

"Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure. "

http://www.heartlessb*tches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml

(Exchange the * for an i to go to link.)

thatblueyedchic

I was in your place about 7 months ago. I finally bit the bullet and broke up with him. It was hard. I felt terrible, but the bottom line was that my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I had been weighing it over for months and one day my mom looked at me and said, "Lauren, what are you going to do? Marry him someday and be unhappy for the rest of your life, so you won't have to make him unhappy for a little while?" My momma is a wise woman.

My boyfriend used to say very similar things to me, and he is okay now. We've even remained friends. You have to make yourself happy, because unless you are, you don't have a prayer of making another person happy. The longer you drag it out, the more you are going to hurt him.

gogojodee

As a man myself, I will say you are not doing him any favors by being his "pity" girlfriend. Not trying to be harsh, but as an adult you need to be up front with him and move on. While there is nothing wrong with "who" or "what" you are attracted to, there is DEFINITELY something wrong with you stringing another individual along, especially when they care for you so much.

Take this advice (ANY advice for that fact) with a grain of salt, but I will promise you this: If you continue with false feelings it will eventually come out and in a worse way than you can imagine.

Think about it, would you want to be with someone when they personally don't appreciate you? Of course not.

By the way, the comment about 'you know you will regret leaving him if he found someone else' (paraphrasing), that is "None of your business!" If you let him go, he's allowed to be his own person and do whatever he wants. It sounds to me that you want to have your cake and eat it too. You are fine with him showering you with attention, paying your bills, and making you feel special. Just know from here on out, if you continue with this disguised malevolent relationship cycle then you are making a conscious decision to hurt another individual. Believe me, its not so fun when it happens to you! To add, on some level he can tell. He may not want to accept the truth, but you can feel another individual's emotion. He is aware on some level that you are not completely there.

Moral of Story: If you can do nothing else, at least give him the gift of honesty and the ability to find his own happiness. You owe him that much!

I agree with all of this - if you don't find him physically attractive now, chances are you won't later. You both aren't getting any younger and it's time to fess up and get on with your lives. He deserves someone who finds him physically attractive and likewise. Life is too short to dwell on things! Everyone deserves the truth, no matter how painful it may be.

Il_DaniD_lI

The physical attraction thing lasts 7 years, tops. Friendship is the important thing in a marriage, not lust. The physical side comes and goes, but to spend you life with someone, you have to be best friends first.

uh oh.. so I won't be attracted to my boyfriend anymore in August (our 7 year anniversary). Darn it! lol

OP - to be fair to him, you should end it. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him and is attracted to him.

HorrorChix89

I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

I felt the exact same way with my ex. He loved me more than anything in the world and still does actually. He'd do anything I asked and protected me at all costs. But I wasn't attracted to him. He's over weight and talks like he's writing the next best novel.

Over some time I became annoyed by him and would find myself staring at other men. Sadly, I did end up cheating on him and the other man sent him photos of us together. He was devastated and drunk his way out of a job. Now he just sits in his apartment thinking about how I ruined his life. I feel horrible about what I did to him and I would give anything to take it all back.

Talk to him about how you feel. You don't want to end up like me. I'm not saying you will, I'm sure you're a better person than I am, but still you need to let him know.

LifeChangingExp

Either all the above or go to vegas for a weekend and let what happens there stay there

TourThePast

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

I realise it might seem that way.

Nice guys aren't quick off the starting blocks.
Nice guys spend a lot of time coming second.

But honestly, by the time everyone's got round to growing up, "nice" is a virtue that is highly prized and the nice guys have ended up on top by a big margin.

Tori_356

You need to be selfish in this situation and do what makes YOU happy...maybe a short break or time apart might help?

nasja1984

Wow that's unfortunate. I would say if you can try talking to him because you don't want to keep stringing him along. In the end, he will be very hurt and he deserves to find someone who will love him unconditionally. Take care.

I agree, good answer

beccci91

How about a trial separation?

BrendaLee

You obviously want more, and he probably deserves more. It's true that attraction may fade over the years, but it definitely shouldn't be replaced with annoyance at the thought of being affectionate. Eventually, that annoyance will probably lead to repulsion.

Staying because you don't want him to find someone else is obviously not a good enough reason.

TheDoctor90

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

I realise it might seem that way.

Nice guys aren't quick off the starting blocks.
Nice guys spend a lot of time coming second.

But honestly, by the time everyone's got round to growing up, "nice" is a virtue that is highly prized and the nice guys have ended up on top by a big margin.

Yep, I'm sure by the time I'm 30 it will be different and therefore will need to change my game up, until then...

jeardawg

I feel this way about my hubby :embarassed: :frown: :sad: :blushing: :-(

Its funny, but everyone who is in a long relationship will admit to these feelings. relationships are WORK. At 50 every single one of us is going to be less attractive than we are now, and like less so even at 60. Attraction is fleeting at best, but invariably youth is wasted on the young, and years later when you have married the man that totally rung your bell, you may realize that you would give anything to have back that guy who you figured would make a better lifelong friend.

sheppuh

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

Even if he's a nice guy, saying that sort of stuff is basically emotional extortion on his part. I've been in this situation (well, in your boyfriend's situation), and it's far kinder to break it off so he can get over it, learn how to cope with it, and move on. Breaking someone's heart is by no means easy, but you simply can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, and in the long run, it's going to be better for both of you guys if you end something that you know isn't working. Again, I assume you've put a lot of thought into being unable to be with him/being annoyed by him and that this is not just superficial - it' something that was going to happen due to personality/goal differences anyway. As a person who got dumped because his girlfriend just wasn't attracted to him anymore I can honestly say it's for the best. This sort of emotional and relational stagnation isn't good for either of you. It forced me to take a hard look at myself and realize that my personality wasn't enough - as ****ty and shallow as it is, physical attraction is a vital part of a healthy relationship. Best of luck and be stong!

pitbulllover

I feel this way about my hubby :embarassed: :frown: :sad: :blushing: :-(

Its funny, but everyone who is in a long relationship will admit to these feelings. relationships are WORK. At 50 every single one of us is going to be less attractive than we are now, and like less so even at 60. Attraction is fleeting at best, but invariably youth is wasted on the young, and years later when you have married the man that totally rung your bell, you may realize that you would give anything to have back that guy who you figured would make a better lifelong friend.

THIS! 100% this. I married my lifelong friend, and I'm so glad that I did. Once you go through lots of failed relationships/dates/flings/whatever, you start to realize (at least I did) what's important to you. And I'll take a friend over great sex any day of the week. Besides, sex can be improved... personality can't.

sktllmdrhmz

I still feel like one of the few who isn't convinced that this guy is nice at all. And even so, "nice" isn't the point here. If you don't like him you don't f'n like him.

Anybody remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about a guy/girl being "on the hook?" This guy is on your hook.

For everybody out there, there's probably a person or a few people that would worship the ground you walk on and be the "epitome of a perfect" boyfriend/girlfriend. That does not, however, mean that you do or ever will give a flying **** about them.

So he's "nice" to you. Big ****in' deal.

TheDoctor90

I still feel like one of the few who isn't convinced that this guy is nice at all. And even so, "nice" isn't the point here. If you don't like him you don't f'n like him.

Anybody remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about a guy/girl being "on the hook?" This guy is on your hook.

For everybody out there, there's probably a person or a few people that would worship the ground you walk on and be the "epitome of a perfect" boyfriend/girlfriend. That does not, however, mean that you do or ever will give a flying **** about them.

So he's "nice" to you. Big ****in' deal.

I like this guys way of thinking. :drinker:

kadins_momma07

I think that the dynamics of the relationship are affecting you more than you realize. You actually don't mention anything physical, but say you're not attracted to him and list a lot of things that make me raise an eyebrow, so I'll try to address them one at a time:

He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

This makes me wonder about your self-esteem and how it's working in your relationship. He's "patient enough" to "put up" with your shortcomings and "helping you out." The way you describe that makes it sound like these are extras that most boyfriends wouldn't do, like he's going out of his way and you couldn't expect anyone else to do that. But in reality, those are things that any loving partner does. Even someone who does those things might be far from perfect; it's really the bare minimum.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

This seems like a BIG problem. Like, incredibly serious. If you feel like you're trapped, that is going to suck the fun and the passion out of the relationship. Read back the things you're saying. If you leave, it's your fault that he becomes a terrible human being. You have no right to leave because HE has decided that you need to be together. You're representative of every woman on the planet.

None of that is fair or true. You do not control any other person, no matter how much they say it. If he would become a heartless person, that's on him. If he is so narrow-minded that he bases his perception of over half the global population on one person's behavior, he's got some problems. None of it has anything to do with you.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

Is this an issue only with him, or are you like this generally in any relationship? I have an EXTREMELY difficult time with physical affection, even when the feelings are there. I am not someone who expresses myself physically and never have been; I don't get the same feeling from holding or hugging or kissing that other people seem to. It used to be a stumbling block in my relationship, but we compromise: I make an effort to show my boyfriend the affection he needs, and he accepts that I express myself differently and doesn't take it personally. It's a matter of mutual respect and understanding.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

What is it that you think of when you're thinking of these other guys? Is it a sexual fling you're imagining, or another long-term relationship? Is it merely a fantasy or is it something you'd really like to pursue?

What I'm getting at is that there is a big difference between being bored and looking around at what's new and exciting, and actually being dissatisfied with your partner. I think most people in long-term committed relationships have periods where they find themselves fantasizing or imagining other sexual partners, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't possibly control your every thought; all you're obligated to do in a relationship is to control your behavior.

As a final thought, I think that sexual attraction is closely related to a lot of non-physical factors (at least I find that true in my own case). I never feel attracted to random people I don't know, but it has happened with people that I really get along with. And like in your case, I wasn't particularly attracted to my boyfriend at first, but once we got to know each other and really clicked in a lot of ways, he became incredibly sexy to me. We're coming up on nine years together, and despite gaining weight and going through different aesthetic changes (some good, some mistakes), we've never had a problem feeling attracted to each other because it's not just about maintaining a certain appearance.

What she said!! ^

You've got a lot of thinking and soul searching to do! If you can't find the answer within yourself and fix the problem, then you need to talk to him, he doesn't deserve to be lead on and you don't need to live your life miserable and in a relationship that you aren't even sure you want to be in. Don't waste both his time and yours if it is not something you whole heartedly want. I heard this quote once and it is totally true, for me anyway. "I'd rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty little lie"!

Pohudet

I still feel like one of the few who isn't convinced that this guy is nice at all. And even so, "nice" isn't the point here. If you don't like him you don't f'n like him.

:laugh:
I like that!
This poor girl sleeps with an unattractive guy because he threatens her that he would become a cold heartless person and because he gives her money "when she needs it". Isnt it pathetic?!!
Girl, lose some weight, lose this guy, find many attractive guys to choose from, not necessarily in that order.

kadins_momma07

As a man myself, I will say you are not doing him any favors by being his "pity" girlfriend. Not trying to be harsh, but as an adult you need to be up front with him and move on. While there is nothing wrong with "who" or "what" you are attracted to, there is DEFINITELY something wrong with you stringing another individual along, especially when they care for you so much.

Take this advice (ANY advice for that fact) with a grain of salt, but I will promise you this: If you continue with false feelings it will eventually come out and in a worse way than you can imagine.

Think about it, would you want to be with someone when they personally don't appreciate you? Of course not.

By the way, the comment about 'you know you will regret leaving him if he found someone else' (paraphrasing), that is "None of your business!" If you let him go, he's allowed to be his own person and do whatever he wants. It sounds to me that you want to have your cake and eat it too. You are fine with him showering you with attention, paying your bills, and making you feel special. Just know from here on out, if you continue with this disguised malevolent relationship cycle then you are making a conscious decision to hurt another individual. Believe me, its not so fun when it happens to you! To add, on some level he can tell. He may not want to accept the truth, but you can feel another individual's emotion. He is aware on some level that you are not completely there.

Moral of Story: If you can do nothing else, at least give him the gift of honesty and the ability to find his own happiness. You owe him that much!

Totally agree!!

1shauna1

You can't stay in a relationship for someone else. You don't say how old you are, but can you imagine 10, 20, 30 years with this person? How is that fair to yourself (or to him actually). As mentioned, you need to talk with him...and probably need to end things. It does sound a little like threats that if things don't work, he's going to become cold & never trust a woman again, suggesting that it'll be all your fault.

dipsl19

So, I thought about it and decided what was more important to me. To have someone that turned me on or someone that would always love me. At 21, looks seem to be important to me but I'm going to get old and so is he. I was very attracted to my ex- but he led me on for 2 years and cheated on me several times. So, I'm sticking with the man I love and hoping he pops the question soon.

just my opinion,.. but you can and should have BOTH! settling for anything less might just mean he's not right for you. i wasnt attracted to my boyfriend at all when we first met (as friends) but then i grew to love him for what he is mentally AND physically. and now i cant image ever being with anyone else, or feeling more attached and connected with someone. thats what you should feel when its the RIGHT one. promise.


if the OP feels so strongly about being disgusted by him to the point where you find him annoying and dont want him to hug or kiss you, its just not right. you have to tell him, for both of you. he will learn and grow from this, even if heis hurting for a while he's young and he will heal. its not better to pretend you like him and play a role that's just a lie. it wont get anyone anywhere.

Aineko

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

Sounds like there is lack of self esteem on both sides. I like compassionate, kind people its way more important to me than looks but the whole "nice"guy label is usually stuck on someone who is actually a "needy" guy.

precisely!!! and then you end up being a 'heartless b!tch" coz you stopped loving the "nice guy" and broke up with him ("but how could you!? he would do everything for you!" - no, he would do everything to keep me by his side, because it reinforces his self-esteem).

saustin201

Don't string him along. I know it will hurt him and you, but you need to allow him to find someone else.

jeardawg

:bigsmile:

Break up with him, crush his soul break it off nice and clean.

Sure he used emotional blackmail to keep you close, but if he does become cold and uncaring look on the bright side, then he will be the newest bad guy on the market and women will eat it up, everyone loves the bad guy. He will be irrisitable to all the other fish.:smokin:

because if there is one opposition to the fact that good guys finish last, its that young women love angry men that treat them like garbage :devil: