I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

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  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
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    Why does everybody keep *****ing at the OP? This guy is so great because he's nice to her? Just sounds like a clingy, kiss-*kitten* sycophant to me.

    Or just a guy who is genuinely decent and is treated as an outcast for being so by those who don't have the same virtues and values.
  • ZugTheMegasaurus
    ZugTheMegasaurus Posts: 801 Member
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    Why does everybody keep *****ing at the OP? This guy is so great because he's nice to her? Just sounds like a clingy, kiss-*kitten* sycophant to me.
    I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop? It seems to me that there are some serious issues that need to be worked out in that relationship, regardless of whether the guy acts like a decent human being most of the time. Treating someone nicely is a prerequisite for a relationship, not a reason to stay in one.
  • sktllmdrhmz
    sktllmdrhmz Posts: 2,073 Member
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    I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop? It seems to me that there are some serious issues that need to be worked out in that relationship, regardless of whether the guy acts like a decent human being most of the time. Treating someone nicely is a prerequisite for a relationship, not a reason to stay in one.

    Exactly!
  • TourThePast
    TourThePast Posts: 1,753 Member
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    Why does everybody keep *****ing at the OP? This guy is so great because he's nice to her? Just sounds like a clingy, kiss-*kitten* sycophant to me.
    I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop?
    He might be a genuinely nice guy, but as the OP has never found him attractive the relationship may not survive in the long term.

    Generally speaking, people with low self esteem find it hard to believe that they deserve to be loved by anyone at all, and would find it hard to imagine finding anyone better than (or even an alternative to) the person they're currently in a relationship with, no matter how flawed that relationship is.

    This is why so many people don't leave abusive partners, whereas the general public's reaction would be "why the HELL do you put up with that?" Not that I'm suggesting that the OP is being abused, far from it, but there's definitely more than a whiff of low self esteem...
  • Jules2Be
    Jules2Be Posts: 2,267 Member
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    I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop? It seems to me that there are some serious issues that need to be worked out in that relationship, regardless of whether the guy acts like a decent human being most of the time. Treating someone nicely is a prerequisite for a relationship, not a reason to stay in one.

    Exactly!

    yes, but i do think physical attraction is really important, keeps things alive.
  • RMuske
    RMuske Posts: 271 Member
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    I know it is tough to love someone whom you were not initially attracted to. I did the same thing because I thought he was such a good guy. BUT, attraction is an important part of being with someone and everything this guy did began to annoy me. I started pulling away emotionally and physically without even realizing it. We broke up less than a week ago and I feel amazing already. You need to do what is right for you. He may need a lot of time to heal but in reality he probably deep down doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't find him attractive.
  • bunsen_honeydew
    bunsen_honeydew Posts: 230 Member
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    Um also so hes not so freakin clingly cuz he sounds to be that type have an open relationship or sumthing. he may go for it. **** get him some more experience! Usually, that will stop a clingy guy from being so damn clingy... JUST SAYIN...

    I would say that "clingy-ness" would NOT be solved by having an open relationship!!!! If the clingyness is a symptom of some underlying insecurity that is already present, you need to address that BEFORE bringing in more people to the relationship!
  • Becky1971
    Becky1971 Posts: 979 Member
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    .
  • Pohudet
    Pohudet Posts: 179 Member
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    His clingyness, if it exists, may not be solved... But her life can become more fun!
  • OMGLeigh
    OMGLeigh Posts: 236
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    Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.
    I'm alarmed at that line. In what type of scenario would you have to be in for him to let you know that he would be cold and distrusting without you? Is this something he says often?
  • Pohudet
    Pohudet Posts: 179 Member
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    If he often says that he will become cold and distrustful if you leave him, this means that he is a manipulative person. So he is unattractive and manipulative, why stay with him?
  • ZugTheMegasaurus
    ZugTheMegasaurus Posts: 801 Member
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    no that's not true women like the mean guys, if you're nice to a girl she will cheat on you. If women don't agree with this it's because they have had other lovers.
    Yeah, any guy who says this crap is not a "nice guy." Pretty much without exception, anyone I've ever heard make this argument is an egotistical prick who can't comprehend that women aren't attracted to sexist BS. When their partners get fed up and leave, they play the victim because those mean, mean girls just didn't like how great they were. Please.

    My boyfriend treats me as an equal and respects me as a whole person. That's nice. That's all I ask for. I don't cheat, never have, never will.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
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    Oh sweetie, I am sorry you're going through this. It must be horrible. I felt like that a lot of times when me and my ex first got together (but I didn't not want him to touch me) and it felt horrible. It's a hard situation to be stuck in. Words are failing me at this moment in time, but please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat. Take care x
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
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    Set him free. Poor guy.

    Unbelievable that you are asking strangers on the interwebz.
    Unbelievable? Really?

    Asking strangers and then blindly doing what they say, that would be dumb (but still believable LOL), but we've no reason to assume that's what she's going to go.

    Being in that situation is tough, it takes a lot of courage to break someone's heart, especially if they're essentially a good person who deserves to be loved.

    I think that if the OP feels that she needs to leave him, starting a thread like this will make it easier for her.

    I agree.
  • jenniejengin
    jenniejengin Posts: 785 Member
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    The sad reality of your situation is that I guarantee you that you'll be attracted to him if you ever break up and he finds someone else.

    It sounds like you settled because you may have felt like you wouldn't ever have a chance to fall in love or even worse, that someone would want to fall in love w/you. I don't think it's fair to your friend and you need to just break up now vs. later. He'll be fine and fortunately, he'll be able to experience real love...not one-sided.

    I hope you figure this out sooner rather than later. good luck!

    :smile:
  • woou
    woou Posts: 668 Member
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    Yeah. Just let the guy go.
  • beckylawrence70
    beckylawrence70 Posts: 752 Member
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    Ya, you need to be honest with him, life is too short to stay with this person even though he's all the things you said he was, he'd be good for someone else, you're not married, no kids I assume and not sure how old you guys are but it's time to rethink this situation.
  • Broken420
    Broken420 Posts: 56 Member
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    Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

    Wow. Life is way too short to put up with someone because you don't have the nerve to leave. You aren't doing either one of you any favors by hanging on. I would be devastated if my boyfriend posted this about me and am still a bit in shock to have read it about someone else. Let him go so he can heal and move on.
  • TanyaCurtis
    TanyaCurtis Posts: 630
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    Hun! Don't leave him! U won't find better!! If he loves u, ur set! Trust me!!!!!!! Go find someone "attractive" and he won't treat u or love u half the same as ur man does! U'll find the "attractive" guy ugly after time, and start missing ur bf like crazy! Looks mean nothing if ur looking for love! Never give up, tell urself everyday everything u love about him! Tell urself he's attractive! The mind is a powerful thing, before u know it, U will find him attractive, just because u told urself that everyday!



    The majority will tell u to leave him! DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!! U need to figure it out know that this is all u need and want! Not when it's too late, and u screw urself over!
  • JamieSK
    JamieSK Posts: 266 Member
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    Love is a decision, NOT a feeling...you either choose to love someone or you don't. Plain & simple - we are to love for the personality and not for passion as it too will pass.

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