I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

TheDoctor90

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

Bullcrap! My husband is the nicest guy in the world and I'm a freakin' catch.

I didn't say it fits everyone. Just my personal experience, and therefore I live by it.

fteale

The physical attraction thing lasts 7 years, tops. Friendship is the important thing in a marriage, not lust. The physical side comes and goes, but to spend you life with someone, you have to be best friends first.

aquasw16

You know you think you are thinking about him, but really you aren't. This is all revolving back to YOU. You need to leave him. Allow him to find a woman who will love him for the wonderful man he is and be super attracted to him and want him! It isn't fair of you to hold onto him because "You can't leave him." He can live without you, and he will probably have a better relationship with someone else.

Still_Fluffy

As a guy, tell him the truth and bump him so HE can move on with his life. Dragging things alone becuase you don't want to hurt him is you not wanting to feel bad. Its like a bandaid, it hurts a lot more if you pull it off slowly. Just dump him, but be kind and move one. Good luck.

7funnygirl7

I feel this way about my hubby :embarassed: :frown: :sad: :blushing: :-(

pitbulllover

I think that he deserves much better than what you're giving him, and you need to make a choice. Either become the girl that he deserves, or set him free to find that girl.

You have to understand that physical attraction is nothing. We all look at other people and are sexually curious, that's normal, and that's all it is. We don't act on it, and it doesn't make us look at our partners as any less of a person because there's more attractive people in this world (there will ALWAYS be someone more attractive). Also, if sex isn't what you want it to be, it's FUN to make it better! Spice things up, play around, teach him what you like. Have fantasies about whatever/whoever you want, but realize that they're just fantasies. And remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it. And all the important qualities in a man that you'd want, the things you can't change, those ARE what your boyfriend has!!

If all of that sounds completely unappealing to you, then you need to tell your boyfriend so he can find someone that's willing to love him for ALL that he is, not just a shoulder to cry on or someone to come running when you need him or an endless supply of money. Right now, you're just using him. Don't do that. And no excuses about not wanting to hurt him... the longer you stay with him, the more damage you're doing.

I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

JadeRabbit08

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

Sounds like there is lack of self esteem on both sides. I like compassionate, kind people its way more important to me than looks but the whole "nice"guy label is usually stuck on someone who is actually a "needy" guy.

My philosophy about "nice " guys is pretty well summed up in this article.

"Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure. "

http://www.heartlessb*tches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml

(Exchange the * for an i to go to link.)

thatblueyedchic

I was in your place about 7 months ago. I finally bit the bullet and broke up with him. It was hard. I felt terrible, but the bottom line was that my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I had been weighing it over for months and one day my mom looked at me and said, "Lauren, what are you going to do? Marry him someday and be unhappy for the rest of your life, so you won't have to make him unhappy for a little while?" My momma is a wise woman.

My boyfriend used to say very similar things to me, and he is okay now. We've even remained friends. You have to make yourself happy, because unless you are, you don't have a prayer of making another person happy. The longer you drag it out, the more you are going to hurt him.

gogojodee

As a man myself, I will say you are not doing him any favors by being his "pity" girlfriend. Not trying to be harsh, but as an adult you need to be up front with him and move on. While there is nothing wrong with "who" or "what" you are attracted to, there is DEFINITELY something wrong with you stringing another individual along, especially when they care for you so much.

Take this advice (ANY advice for that fact) with a grain of salt, but I will promise you this: If you continue with false feelings it will eventually come out and in a worse way than you can imagine.

Think about it, would you want to be with someone when they personally don't appreciate you? Of course not.

By the way, the comment about 'you know you will regret leaving him if he found someone else' (paraphrasing), that is "None of your business!" If you let him go, he's allowed to be his own person and do whatever he wants. It sounds to me that you want to have your cake and eat it too. You are fine with him showering you with attention, paying your bills, and making you feel special. Just know from here on out, if you continue with this disguised malevolent relationship cycle then you are making a conscious decision to hurt another individual. Believe me, its not so fun when it happens to you! To add, on some level he can tell. He may not want to accept the truth, but you can feel another individual's emotion. He is aware on some level that you are not completely there.

Moral of Story: If you can do nothing else, at least give him the gift of honesty and the ability to find his own happiness. You owe him that much!

I agree with all of this - if you don't find him physically attractive now, chances are you won't later. You both aren't getting any younger and it's time to fess up and get on with your lives. He deserves someone who finds him physically attractive and likewise. Life is too short to dwell on things! Everyone deserves the truth, no matter how painful it may be.

Il_DaniD_lI

The physical attraction thing lasts 7 years, tops. Friendship is the important thing in a marriage, not lust. The physical side comes and goes, but to spend you life with someone, you have to be best friends first.

uh oh.. so I won't be attracted to my boyfriend anymore in August (our 7 year anniversary). Darn it! lol

OP - to be fair to him, you should end it. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him and is attracted to him.

HorrorChix89

I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

I felt the exact same way with my ex. He loved me more than anything in the world and still does actually. He'd do anything I asked and protected me at all costs. But I wasn't attracted to him. He's over weight and talks like he's writing the next best novel.

Over some time I became annoyed by him and would find myself staring at other men. Sadly, I did end up cheating on him and the other man sent him photos of us together. He was devastated and drunk his way out of a job. Now he just sits in his apartment thinking about how I ruined his life. I feel horrible about what I did to him and I would give anything to take it all back.

Talk to him about how you feel. You don't want to end up like me. I'm not saying you will, I'm sure you're a better person than I am, but still you need to let him know.

LifeChangingExp

Either all the above or go to vegas for a weekend and let what happens there stay there

TourThePast

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

I realise it might seem that way.

Nice guys aren't quick off the starting blocks.
Nice guys spend a lot of time coming second.

But honestly, by the time everyone's got round to growing up, "nice" is a virtue that is highly prized and the nice guys have ended up on top by a big margin.

Tori_356

You need to be selfish in this situation and do what makes YOU happy...maybe a short break or time apart might help?

nasja1984

Wow that's unfortunate. I would say if you can try talking to him because you don't want to keep stringing him along. In the end, he will be very hurt and he deserves to find someone who will love him unconditionally. Take care.

I agree, good answer

beccci91

How about a trial separation?

BrendaLee

You obviously want more, and he probably deserves more. It's true that attraction may fade over the years, but it definitely shouldn't be replaced with annoyance at the thought of being affectionate. Eventually, that annoyance will probably lead to repulsion.

Staying because you don't want him to find someone else is obviously not a good enough reason.

TheDoctor90

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

I realise it might seem that way.

Nice guys aren't quick off the starting blocks.
Nice guys spend a lot of time coming second.

But honestly, by the time everyone's got round to growing up, "nice" is a virtue that is highly prized and the nice guys have ended up on top by a big margin.

Yep, I'm sure by the time I'm 30 it will be different and therefore will need to change my game up, until then...

jeardawg

I feel this way about my hubby :embarassed: :frown: :sad: :blushing: :-(

Its funny, but everyone who is in a long relationship will admit to these feelings. relationships are WORK. At 50 every single one of us is going to be less attractive than we are now, and like less so even at 60. Attraction is fleeting at best, but invariably youth is wasted on the young, and years later when you have married the man that totally rung your bell, you may realize that you would give anything to have back that guy who you figured would make a better lifelong friend.

sheppuh

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

Even if he's a nice guy, saying that sort of stuff is basically emotional extortion on his part. I've been in this situation (well, in your boyfriend's situation), and it's far kinder to break it off so he can get over it, learn how to cope with it, and move on. Breaking someone's heart is by no means easy, but you simply can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, and in the long run, it's going to be better for both of you guys if you end something that you know isn't working. Again, I assume you've put a lot of thought into being unable to be with him/being annoyed by him and that this is not just superficial - it' something that was going to happen due to personality/goal differences anyway. As a person who got dumped because his girlfriend just wasn't attracted to him anymore I can honestly say it's for the best. This sort of emotional and relational stagnation isn't good for either of you. It forced me to take a hard look at myself and realize that my personality wasn't enough - as ****ty and shallow as it is, physical attraction is a vital part of a healthy relationship. Best of luck and be stong!