I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

bluefox9er

Why does everybody keep *****ing at the OP? This guy is so great because he's nice to her? Just sounds like a clingy, kiss-*kitten* sycophant to me.

Or just a guy who is genuinely decent and is treated as an outcast for being so by those who don't have the same virtues and values.

ZugTheMegasaurus

Why does everybody keep *****ing at the OP? This guy is so great because he's nice to her? Just sounds like a clingy, kiss-*kitten* sycophant to me.

I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop? It seems to me that there are some serious issues that need to be worked out in that relationship, regardless of whether the guy acts like a decent human being most of the time. Treating someone nicely is a prerequisite for a relationship, not a reason to stay in one.

sktllmdrhmz

I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop? It seems to me that there are some serious issues that need to be worked out in that relationship, regardless of whether the guy acts like a decent human being most of the time. Treating someone nicely is a prerequisite for a relationship, not a reason to stay in one.

Exactly!

TourThePast

Why does everybody keep *****ing at the OP? This guy is so great because he's nice to her? Just sounds like a clingy, kiss-*kitten* sycophant to me.

I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop?

He might be a genuinely nice guy, but as the OP has never found him attractive the relationship may not survive in the long term.

Generally speaking, people with low self esteem find it hard to believe that they deserve to be loved by anyone at all, and would find it hard to imagine finding anyone better than (or even an alternative to) the person they're currently in a relationship with, no matter how flawed that relationship is.

This is why so many people don't leave abusive partners, whereas the general public's reaction would be "why the HELL do you put up with that?" Not that I'm suggesting that the OP is being abused, far from it, but there's definitely more than a whiff of low self esteem...

Jules2Be

I was thinking the same thing. Is it so rare that someone isn't a complete jerk to their SO that anyone who's slightly nice is the cream of the crop? It seems to me that there are some serious issues that need to be worked out in that relationship, regardless of whether the guy acts like a decent human being most of the time. Treating someone nicely is a prerequisite for a relationship, not a reason to stay in one.

Exactly!

yes, but i do think physical attraction is really important, keeps things alive.

RMuske

I know it is tough to love someone whom you were not initially attracted to. I did the same thing because I thought he was such a good guy. BUT, attraction is an important part of being with someone and everything this guy did began to annoy me. I started pulling away emotionally and physically without even realizing it. We broke up less than a week ago and I feel amazing already. You need to do what is right for you. He may need a lot of time to heal but in reality he probably deep down doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't find him attractive.

bunsen_honeydew

Um also so hes not so freakin clingly cuz he sounds to be that type have an open relationship or sumthing. he may go for it. **** get him some more experience! Usually, that will stop a clingy guy from being so damn clingy... JUST SAYIN...

I would say that "clingy-ness" would NOT be solved by having an open relationship!!!! If the clingyness is a symptom of some underlying insecurity that is already present, you need to address that BEFORE bringing in more people to the relationship!

Becky1971

.

Pohudet

His clingyness, if it exists, may not be solved... But her life can become more fun!

OMGLeigh

Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I'm alarmed at that line. In what type of scenario would you have to be in for him to let you know that he would be cold and distrusting without you? Is this something he says often?

Pohudet

If he often says that he will become cold and distrustful if you leave him, this means that he is a manipulative person. So he is unattractive and manipulative, why stay with him?

ZugTheMegasaurus

no that's not true women like the mean guys, if you're nice to a girl she will cheat on you. If women don't agree with this it's because they have had other lovers.

Yeah, any guy who says this crap is not a "nice guy." Pretty much without exception, anyone I've ever heard make this argument is an egotistical prick who can't comprehend that women aren't attracted to sexist BS. When their partners get fed up and leave, they play the victim because those mean, mean girls just didn't like how great they were. Please.

My boyfriend treats me as an equal and respects me as a whole person. That's nice. That's all I ask for. I don't cheat, never have, never will.

InnerFatGirl

Oh sweetie, I am sorry you're going through this. It must be horrible. I felt like that a lot of times when me and my ex first got together (but I didn't not want him to touch me) and it felt horrible. It's a hard situation to be stuck in. Words are failing me at this moment in time, but please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat. Take care x

InnerFatGirl

Set him free. Poor guy.

Unbelievable that you are asking strangers on the interwebz.

Unbelievable? Really?

Asking strangers and then blindly doing what they say, that would be dumb (but still believable LOL), but we've no reason to assume that's what she's going to go.

Being in that situation is tough, it takes a lot of courage to break someone's heart, especially if they're essentially a good person who deserves to be loved.

I think that if the OP feels that she needs to leave him, starting a thread like this will make it easier for her.

I agree.

jenniejengin

The sad reality of your situation is that I guarantee you that you'll be attracted to him if you ever break up and he finds someone else.

It sounds like you settled because you may have felt like you wouldn't ever have a chance to fall in love or even worse, that someone would want to fall in love w/you. I don't think it's fair to your friend and you need to just break up now vs. later. He'll be fine and fortunately, he'll be able to experience real love...not one-sided.

I hope you figure this out sooner rather than later. good luck!

woou

Yeah. Just let the guy go.

beckylawrence70

Ya, you need to be honest with him, life is too short to stay with this person even though he's all the things you said he was, he'd be good for someone else, you're not married, no kids I assume and not sure how old you guys are but it's time to rethink this situation.

Broken420

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?

Wow. Life is way too short to put up with someone because you don't have the nerve to leave. You aren't doing either one of you any favors by hanging on. I would be devastated if my boyfriend posted this about me and am still a bit in shock to have read it about someone else. Let him go so he can heal and move on.

TanyaCurtis

Hun! Don't leave him! U won't find better!! If he loves u, ur set! Trust me!!!!!!! Go find someone "attractive" and he won't treat u or love u half the same as ur man does! U'll find the "attractive" guy ugly after time, and start missing ur bf like crazy! Looks mean nothing if ur looking for love! Never give up, tell urself everyday everything u love about him! Tell urself he's attractive! The mind is a powerful thing, before u know it, U will find him attractive, just because u told urself that everyday!



The majority will tell u to leave him! DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!! U need to figure it out know that this is all u need and want! Not when it's too late, and u screw urself over!

JamieSK

Love is a decision, NOT a feeling...you either choose to love someone or you don't. Plain & simple - we are to love for the personality and not for passion as it too will pass.

alyciabird

you need to do whats right for you. when someone asks you what do you want, and the first thing that pops into your head without thinking about it is probably what you want. if your not happy then change it. I was in a similar situation..and it came down to my happiness....and if your really not sure if your going to miss him or not, take a break..if your happier without him youve got your answer.

Beastette

Read everything you wrote and imagine it were him doing the writing about YOU. If he wrote this about you, would you want to stay with him?

omanitshann

So you think staying with him even though you don;t love him anymore & while your thinking of other guys is better? If you even care about him at all you should be considerate enough to be honest with him so you both can move on and stop wasting time in a relationship that where the love is not mutual. I know it's hard, but just be honest, it's better than pretending.

Kristhin

In nearly every relationship, one person loves the other a lot more...until you find the right one. Then you can't tell who loves who more because you're both so crazy about each other.
If you think its just a rough patch and you still want to be with him, stay. Everyone has hard times.
If you think you just really don't care about him enough, go. It takes a lot of thinking to decide. Once it took me 6 months of thinking to decide to leave someone.

Rhea30

If you guys been together for a long time it could just be a phase if you're spending alot of time together. Maybe cut back on the time you guys spend together to reflect how you feel. If you still feel annoyed by him then its best to leave for him and yourself. If your only reason why you feel you can't leave him is because how he feels and has nothing to do with you not able to leave him because you love him then its also best to leave.

TheDoctor90

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

RiyaLee

wow.....i thought i was the only one going through this feeling...
nice to know there are more ppl that are in my shoes....

My bf is the best bf in the world....everyone is sooo jealous of what i have, but again i keep thinking about other men, i dont know why...

and yea i would regret also if i let him go...and get jealous....

what i decided to do...is still be with him....i do think its just a phase.....even though sometimes my heart doesn't think so, there are only a few...i repeat ...a FEW good guys out there that are really genuine to their women...and if you have that....i would keep it....

when i think about the other guys......and think about pursuing a relationship with them...its too big of a gamble...my bf (and yours too) they are very very good to us...and to loose that but not gain the same somewhere else is really depressing...and i cant live knowing i lost something so precious which not every woman gets....

we are lucky we have someone like this....

i feel like you should put up with him......and hope that the phase does pass away (thats what im doing)

now if it doesnt then you need to really sit down and think about what you want to do....take gamble.....and be okay if you loose....or play safe

good luck girlie

bluefox9er

This thread merely reinforces my philosophy that nice guys finish last,

THIS

ciaoella

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

Er...

Emotionally manipulative/abusive isn't what I, personally, would call the "epitome of a perfect boyfriend".

The first time he ever said anything to you about how he would become a heartless person if you broke up and that you're destined to be together forever should have been a big ol' red flag to RUN.

weighlossforbaby

Leave him so he can be happy with someone that will find him physically attractive. He sounds too sweet to be left in the dark like this. If he does find someone else please try to be happy for him and move on with your life with or without someone else.