I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(
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Your boyfriend sounds AMAZING...and someone is going to be very lucky and very fortunate to have him.
You should stop being selfish...and allow him the opportunity to be truly loved by someone else. Trust me...there are LOTS of women everywhere, who would love to have that kind of unconditional love and respect from a man.
Looks fade...the spark dims...but love and friendship matter, when all the physical stuff goes away.
^ THIS, imo.
People dump and move on far too frequently today. This is one reason our divorce rate is so ridiculously high in our nation. If you are doing this with him, you will do it again, more than likely. Maybe take a deeper look within yourself to find out what you want and why you are in the relationship to begin with. See if there are things that maybe you can work out. Good luck! :flowerforyou:
The long lasting relationships in life are the ones that "fix things when they are broken, not throw them away".
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I haven't read any other responses so pardon if this a repeat in any way or if you've already reached your conclusion.
I have been where you are, sort of. I was with a guy for 4 years that I ended up in the situation you are in. He was a wonderful guy and at one time I was very in love with and very attracted to him. But in time I fell out of love and out of attraction. He was a sweet, loving, giving man who would do anything for me and it made no sense on paper that I wouldn't be happy with him. I talked about it with a few friends, and they all said I was crazy. One even got pissed at me that I'd even consider letting him go when he's so good to me. It made me feel even worse. Then I talked to my mom. she loved this guy like one of the family - but she gave me great advice: this is your life - You need to do what is right for you.
I broke up with him and life went on. I hoped the best for him because he deserved it.
That was about 20 years ago now.
I ran into a mutual friend recently. Of course eventually the topic of my old boyfriend came up and I learned he'd become a hermit. Never had another girlfriend, never did much. Other than a few friends, he completely withdrew from life. Part of me feels immense guilt for that, but to stay with him would have been wrong, and ultimately and eventually more painful for us both.
You cannot take on responsibility for what ifs in the case of doing what is right for you. Only the what ifs of when you don't.
Best wishes. xoxo0 -
...Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again....
That sounds like a very manipulative thing to say. One thing that manipulators count on is the fact that conscientious people usually can't stand to see anyone suffering.0 -
Not read through all the answers to this post so I may be repeating what some people have already said.
I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him and see what you can do to resolve this - if you want to?
What do you find physically unappealing about him and how does this compare with other guys that you do find attractive?
Is this something that could be worked on? Would he even want to do that because that could mean changing the person he is.
I think if you both want to, this is something that can be resolved but you need to want to. There is no point doing it just because you feel an obligation or you'd feel bad breaking up with him.
I'm sure he would feel bad for a while if you broke up with him but given time, you'd both find other partners. I've always found that to be the case, especially with one guy who "couldn't live without me". He was in bits for a while but he moved on and found a partner that was better for him than I could have ever been. Nothing wrong with either of us, we just weren't right for each other.
I sincerely believe that both you and your boyfriend deserve better than making do and your boyfriend deserves better than obligation affection. He may sense the change in you and wonder what he has done to deserve it.
Life is short and is, I believe, too short for making do. If this can't be fixed then move on and you can both find somebody who makes you happy in every respect.
Good luck and I hope it works out well for you xx0 -
I dont normaly reply but I;m gonna.:) Sounds to me like you want your "cake and eat it too" You said you were not attracted to him but if you let him go you would be jealous if he found a new girl friend. He will find someone else. You know you have a good thing and if your let it go you won't have it anymore,damage is done! so you are unsure if you wanna risk it. The truth is looks will fade in time if you base everything on looks alone your never gonna find a good relationship because because some hot guys" not all "dont make you feel like the queen, they make you work to keep them. You had to be attrative to your bf at some point in the relationship or it would not have gone on as long.work on what you got and appreciate it. When the grass look greener on someone else lawn its time to attend your own garden.0
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Seems like maybe you see him more as a friend then a boyfriend, don't string him along, it's not fair to either one of you. I'm sure he'll be hurt, but he will also get over it and sometimes you have to be a little selfish and make yourself happy. If he thinks as much of you as you say he does, he would want you to be happy too. Don't stay with him out of obligation or guilt, I did that with my ex husband and it made it so much worse in the end. Some day he'll thank you for being honest with him and giving him the opportunity to find someone who loves him for who he is and finds him just as attractive as he finds them. Good luck girly, only you know deep down what the right thing to do is. Take some time to yourself and really think it thru.0
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I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.
Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?
I don't know your complete situation, but it sounds to me like your boyfriend is a little tooooooo needy. My wife and I have been married going on 45 years now, Yes. I was barely 21 when we got married and yes, we have had our problems that we have worked on together. I was jealous somewhat to begin with and hated being away from her, but military life brings some separations we both didn't want. One of the first things I learned was not to be jealous and to trust completely. The other was to give her the freedom she needed and to become a completely independent person. I never knew if something would happen to me before my time. I wanted her to be able to survive without me and care for our two sons on her own, if ever needed.
We have married friends and neighbors, mostly younger than us. One couple we know, whenever the wife comes to visit my wife, invariably, her husband will follow within 15 minutes. If she and my wife go shopping, he calls her repeatedly on the cell phone. It is a form of control. I am not sure he even realizes what he is doing, but that is what it is.
I did not marry my first girlfried and of course was rejected more than once. I survived and so will your boyfriend. He will probably thank you someday too. It is time to cut the apron string. He needs to find out what life is about without you. Good luck!
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If you find yourself attracted to other men, this could lead down a bad path. You could end up hurting him more by staying with him, because you could end up cheating on him. I say, you should end it before it gets any worse.0
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Why does everybody keep *****ing at the OP? This guy is so great because he's nice to her? Just sounds like a clingy, kiss-*kitten* sycophant to me.
AGREED!!
"you will never find better than me"
-- baby any one who does not try to manipulate and control me is better than you.0 -
Here's a response from a 55 yo guy who has been married to the most incredible and beautiful woman on earth for 33 years in June. For what it's worth.
My heart would totally break, my life become a disaster if I were to lose my wife. This is in spite of the fact that I've given her legitimate reasons to dump me in the past. I do everything I can to make it up to her every day. I know that I love her more than anyone else could because nobody else could know her as well as I do. My heart still beats faster when she enters the room.
That said, there would be one thing worse than her leaving me. That would be her staying with me and not finding it wonderful. I know she was unhappy when I wasn't my better self, but she is committed to me and stuck it out because she knew who I really am and is in love and attracted to that person. If she were to stay with me because of insecurity or just "care for my feelings", that would be the worse thing in the world. Imagine what it would be like if I woke up one day and realized I had been a dupe to her lie for years.
Romance is a wonderful thing, but it is not the foundation of a good relationship., As a matter of fact, romance is generally the foundation of a false relationship. Romance is an affair. Romance is being "twitterpated" a la Thumper. Romance is the source of irrational behavior. Unless it is harnessed in a relationship of love and trust (which I call marriage).
So is the questions I would ask:
Have you said or done things to signify a faithful commitment to the relationship? I'm not talking about jewelry or a joint checking account or cosigning a mortgage. Those are just contracts and contracts are dissolved when both parties don't get what they want. Again, my version of a commitment is marriage where you have formally sworn to each other in front of witnesses by what ever is sacred to you that you will not give up on each other no matter what.
Not being married in long term relationship is a statement of this: "We love each other and we get along and everything is perfect, but we're not willing to commit to working the rest of life out together. Basically, we're in a verbal contract with implications of fidelity, trust and support. But we're still just renting,"
If you find his presence annoying, you are probably already violating the verbal agreement. If haven't physically cheated on him, you probably have already started evaluating others in your mind to replace him. By cheating I don't mean "sleeping with"; cheating to me is having lunch with someone you'd rather be with than him, accepting a cup of coffee with a flirt in thanks or just sharing intimate information that should be reserved for a spouse of a best girl friend.
Life is tough. Marriage makes it easier and a lot harder. Ask yourself another question: Are you only in this relationship still because it's easier than ending it? Even a bad relationship provides you with company for dinner, someone to share the expenses and a fairly certain opportunity for sex when you want it. You imply that you're sticking it out for him. I would argue that if you're just sticking it out, you're hurting him more each day than you would with a complete and formal severance. Every day he spends investing himself in a lost cause is, perhaps, selfish on your part. It is easier than the trauma that is sure to come with the end of a relationship. In a breakup, both parties are wounded, but incisions with a sharp scalpel heal faster, better and with less scarring than chopping at it with a dull knife.0 -
Leave him. He does sound clingy and like a douche for saying he will become heartless after you leave him. You may like him for his personality but if you're not attracted why stick around? let him be free and find someone who will love him for both. you'll find somone better, if not then that sucks.0
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IM IN THE SAME SITUATION :O .... when I read this I cried... It feels so good knowin im not crazy and alone
I have this amazing boyfriend.. hes so perfect. but i feel no physical attraction to him:( and i cant leave him.. he wants to get married and we decided on our whole lives.. it would hurt him so bad he said he would die without me.. i sometimes want to be single again or be with someone i feel attracted to. im so confused i want him because hes the nicest sweeetest guy ive ever been with but.. i dont want to just be in this relationship for years.. only for it to fall apart.. please help me0 -
Hi,
My advice is to first ask whether you are unhappy with you as by the sound of it he does everythin for you (have you tried doin the stuff he does) when someone becomes a joey they wouldent look that attractive to me and instead would be more of a carer... U then run the risk of feeling needy whilst they feel deserving.
I'am a firm believer in a woman bein independant (yes you pull together as a family) but I certainly would not be askin for money.
Your post say more about you than him.. Maybe you thinking of other people is a escape from whats goin on in your head and you do not feel you owe the fantasy but instead can be the inner you underneath your insecurity.
Could you be depressed? If so than you would benefit from a confidence course and a little counsellin
I know I may have sounded harsh (i havent intended to)..
If you aint happy then end the relationship as lets face it a relationship is sharin someones life but it sounds like you aint enjoyin it.
Surely he/you would be more hurt in the long run if it was to continue.
Take care and hope you are happy soon0 -
can i have his number?0
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I've been there.
My ex was my best friend and I never really saw him in 'that' way, then one night when he was drunk he told me he loved me, so I thought we should give it a go.
In the beginning it was great, I was really attracted to him, and couldn't believe why I hadn't seen anything there before! He was absolutely amazing. He did everything for me, he even used to call me 'Princess'. I thought I had found 'the one', and it had been hidden in my best friend all this time - he even proposed to me on his birthday.
As time went on, I soon realised, I was 'settling'. He soon became unattractive to me, extremely irritating, and whenever I went to visit him (he was away at University) it was more of a chore rather than something I looked forward to, and I always couldn't wait to leave. On the drive home I would ALWAYS think about how I could break up with him, without breaking his heart.
It's a horrible situation, but you have to be cruel to be kind. It took him nearly a year to move on, but he's seeing someone now, as am I, someone who I am SO attracted to it is unreal.
You should end it now, trust me, it is not a 'phase' it will only get worse. Whatever you decide to do, be happy :flowerforyou:0 -
I've been there.
My ex was my best friend and I never really saw him in 'that' way, then one night when he was drunk he told me he loved me, so I thought we should give it a go.
In the beginning it was great, I was really attracted to him, and couldn't believe why I hadn't seen anything there before! He was absolutely amazing. He did everything for me, he even used to call me 'Princess'. I thought I had found 'the one', and it had been hidden in my best friend all this time - he even proposed to me on his birthday.
As time went on, I soon realised, I was 'settling'. He soon became unattractive to me, extremely irritating, and whenever I went to visit him (he was away at University) it was more of a chore rather than something I looked forward to, and I always couldn't wait to leave. On the drive home I would ALWAYS think about how I could break up with him, without breaking his heart.
It's a horrible situation, but you have to be cruel to be kind. It took him nearly a year to move on, but he's seeing someone now, as am I, someone who I am SO attracted to it is unreal.
You should end it now, trust me, it is not a 'phase' it will only get worse. Whatever you decide to do, be happy :flowerforyou:
Agree with this!0 -
i had the same situation last year. LEAVE HIM. You don't wanna end up cheating on him like i did.0
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2 posts
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No profile pic?
You're not getting a response from me buddy. Cheers though.
:drinker:0 -
IM IN THE SAME SITUATION :O .... when I read this I cried... It feels so good knowin im not crazy and alone
I have this amazing boyfriend.. hes so perfect. but i feel no physical attraction to him:( and i cant leave him.. he wants to get married and we decided on our whole lives.. it would hurt him so bad he said he would die without me.. i sometimes want to be single again or be with someone i feel attracted to. im so confused i want him because hes the nicest sweeetest guy ive ever been with but.. i dont want to just be in this relationship for years.. only for it to fall apart.. please help me
Please read what I just wrote - you aren't alone! You control your relationship JUST as much as he does. What you are feeling isn't love - it's attachment because of how well he treats you. It will be hard at first - I cried for weeks! But then you realise.... there are all these men out there... who you ARE attracted to, and they like you too... and you can be with them!
It is hard, believe me. But I have never looked back... please inbox me if you need some advice :flowerforyou:0 -
I think it depends on how long you have been dating. If you have been together for a few years and are recently just finding him annoying and unattractive then I would say just stick it out and it will get better. If this is a fairly new bf for you and you are young (under 21 or so) I would say break up (you both will get over it). I have been with my bf for 4 years and we have had our ups and downs. The passion goes away after a while but you can still have a loving, deep, satisfying relationship after the novelty wears off.0
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