Does this constitute cheating to you?

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runrogrun
runrogrun Posts: 36 Member
in Chit-Chat
Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

What would you do???
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Replies

  • dollipop
    dollipop Posts: 379 Member
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    Ouch, that sucks, I'd be pretty upset if that were me.

    I guess it depends on what you define as cheating. I like to take a view that if you wouldn't do it with your partner looking over your shoulder, then it's not ok.

    *hugs*
  • BazAbroad
    BazAbroad Posts: 248
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    Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
    Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
    The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
    Communication is key.
    Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
    The best things in life are worth fighting for.
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
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    At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.
  • AlmondTheGreat
    AlmondTheGreat Posts: 92
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    Yeah its not cheating but could be heading that way. Maybe its just a case of he's a little bored and wants to try new things. Communication is key to all aspects of a relationship.
    Maybe he should be asking you to do them things rather than paying someone else.
  • runrogrun
    runrogrun Posts: 36 Member
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    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........
  • AlmondTheGreat
    AlmondTheGreat Posts: 92
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    I have the same problem with my misses. I have a higher sex drive. Maybe he does just want to be more adventurous. Maybe he's too tired for the real thing so would rather use porn for quickness lol. Talk to him
  • Tiff587
    Tiff587 Posts: 264 Member
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    I'm quite chilled and easy going, but I wouldn't be happy about that.
    I know I would be stressing especially with the lack of interest in sex and looking for women local to him? That being said I would talk to him about it. You obviously have a serious long term relationship and he hasn't done anything truly terrible.
    There may something simple, maybe he is not confident enough to ask for certain things. There are a lot of possible reasons but you will never know unless you can be honest with him and listen to what he has to say.

    Good luck :flowerforyou:
  • Karrix
    Karrix Posts: 288
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    Id consider it as cheating. Watching pre-made clips is one thing, paying for women to please you is another.

    These are private sessions, it's not just videos, he is interacting with live women.

    You need to discuss what consists as cheating in your relationship and boundaries. I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you, hope for the best in whatever you decide to do!
  • SomeMorr
    SomeMorr Posts: 220 Member
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    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........

    this is a problem, this is what I am going through right now, however the issues we are facing are a result of other emotional problems. Based on what you have said it is possible that he may be sneakier than you know and just not using facebook to contact local women.
  • mrsnathanandrew
    mrsnathanandrew Posts: 631 Member
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    I would definitely not take this lightly. I'm very adventurous when it comes to our sex life, there really isn't anything that I wouldn't do, and if it got to the point to where he'd rather watch women and jerk than actually interact with me sexually, it's a big no no. My mama always said if your sex life isn't good, the relationship won't last.
  • samandlucysmum
    samandlucysmum Posts: 320
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    My 1st husband did a similar thing, he rang porn lines, I found out, and it eventually stopped, but then 2 yrs later he actually cheated on me, hence to say he is my long gone ex-husband!! In my opinion, and experience, once someone starts looking elsewhere for sexual gratification, things will never be the same again. Confide in your friends and family, you may need their support.
    GOOD LUCK.

    :mad:
  • beccci91
    beccci91 Posts: 214
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    I would class this as cheating, there is no getting around it...he has sought out women in your own area to do specific things for him in real time....
  • grrrlface
    grrrlface Posts: 1,204 Member
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    My OH knows that if he did anything like this he would be out the door. But I set boundaries.
    I don't mind his magazines, pictures on his computer etc. but live webcam for me is too far. It's a real woman, doing those things live and the fact you say he does this and searches for women in your local area but has no real interest to interact with you sexually. Well, I'd be livid if I were you.

    I agree with what someone above said, talk to him, set boundaries. If he thinks that's unacceptable then I would give him an important decision to make.

    I think the fact it is a live webcam makes it too personal for me...
  • BaldyLover
    BaldyLover Posts: 26
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    It's not technically cheating, its more like buying porn but a specific type, and there's probably a thrill from the person being local and the possibility of being caught (the thrill is often better than the reality). But based on my own personal experience I would be very worried. My ex was looking at 'no strings' sites late last year, and while he never went through with it, he ended up breaking up with me last month for someone he met online. Same thing with us, we hadn't had sex for a while, even though I always wanted to. He started taking anabolic steroids a few weeks before he broke up with me, which can cloud your judgement/actions severely, but the signs were obviously there that something wasn't quite right. Rather than talk to me about it he made his decision, got with her and has been a complete *insert swear of choice* since.

    We'd been together six and a half years, got engaged four years ago, liked all the same things and had a lot of laughs, but apparently we weren't compatible??? I'm at the point where I don't even recognise him any more.

    Sit him down, and talk to him reasonably (shouting never works, it makes the other person switch off and they don't listen properly). Tell him how hurt you are by it, and ask him why he was looking in the first place. If he's being honest, then he will be able to look you in the eye while he tells you, and and if he's lying he's likely to touch his face, particularly around the nose (weird but true). Then judge whether you have a future. Don't let it get to the point I got to. It's constantly heartbreaking
  • mmstgr
    mmstgr Posts: 578 Member
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    At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.

    I agree with this post entirely
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 572 Member
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    I would never tolerate something like that. You wanna watch porn...GO FOR IT...but paying to ask women to do things...nope. Time to kick that guy to the curb.
  • poedunk65
    poedunk65 Posts: 1,336 Member
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    This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.
  • AlmondTheGreat
    AlmondTheGreat Posts: 92
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    Are you sure that he has been searching for local woman? I just know from personal experience that you get popup's while visiting porn sites. popup's for woman in your area etc.
  • coliema
    coliema Posts: 7,646 Member
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    I would only be mad because he's paying them to do "stuff". I don't find anything wrong with watching porn, if it's free. I don't think someone should pay for it. Express to him how you feel about it.
  • shannairl
    shannairl Posts: 65
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    I could get over the web cam stuff but not the fact that he'd been searching for local women.... You need to have a serious talk.

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