Does this constitute cheating to you?
Replies
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I would be upset too...especially if he has this at home (me) and I would do any of that stuff for him for free!
When I talk to women whose husbands are addicted to porn (not just watching porn, but actually addicted to porn), most of the time, the first sign (before the women even know about the porn) is the lack of sexual interest in their partner. Weird....you would think it would boost their sex, but it has the opposite affect.
Only you know what you should do. He probably needs counseling. I know that if it was my husband, I would stand by him to fix it. But I would make sure that he is better before I married him. It would be horrible to marry him only to find out he has been paying for escorts! And, I do not know how you can make sure that he isn't doing this without becoming an obsessed woman.
I am truly sorry that this has happened!!!0 -
haven't read all the other replies, but I wouldn't be tolerating this. Its not technically cheating, but its still not on. Tell him he stops or he's gone, thats what I'd do.0
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Set up your own site and him pay you?
I like this sort of out of the box thinking!0 -
Yes, it's betrayal. He's justifying to you that it's just "porn." I used to date a guy just like this. Then, when he started hooking up with other women, "it would never happen again." And.........it did...................Run away! Run away, fast!0
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In my opinion it is cheating or like someone else had said it will likely lead to it. My husband did this to me while I was pregnant with his son. I confronted him about it and he said it was all innocent (yah right). Well, suffice to say he also searched for women in our hometown and eventually was caught with his pants down so to speak. We ended up separating and soon after divorced because the trust just wasn't there any longer. I would consider therapy or just leaving the *kitten* because he has issues.0
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Ditch him.
The guy has issues. It's not technically cheating but he is NOT someone I would want to be married to.
Whenever you are in doubt ask: Is THIS the man I want to father my babies?!
Thank the powers that be that you found this out BEFORE you married him, and then CUT THE CHAIN.0 -
It doesn't matter if anyone considers it to be cheating. What matters is that you aren't comfortable about it and you see it as creating a problem in your relationship. Talk to your fiance about how upset this makes you. He'll either stop, or he won't.0
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I feel like you could be dating my ex...In all seriousness though, I caught my ex with the SAME exact stuff. That being said, he was super upset that he was caught and apologized and I forgave him. Then he cheated on me. I guess I feel like someone that breaks a trust in one way, will do it in another. He obviously has some sexual issues, and from my experience, it only gets worse. I'm sure it's really hard since he is your fiance and all, but trust is such a huge issue.
At least your ex apologised and felt guilty - when i confronted mine about sending filthy texts and then visiting the girl his reaction was "Thats just my friend Gemma*, I always try it on with her but she always turns me down." Charming right?! :-/0 -
At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.
Agree ^^ I have to wonder why he'd care where the girls were if he wasn't at least toying with the idea of taking it further than the internet.0 -
Apparently, I am the weirdo chick..........
I would be pissed that he was spending money on it and I didn't get to watch it too. Porn is fun. Interactive porn is even MORE fun. It sounds like it bothers YOU though, and if it does, then it will cause major problems down the road. Either change the way you see it, or move on, but if you dislike it now, it will only bother you more and more............ You may wanna get some videos and some really sexy outfit and surprise him one night...... but try to actually enjoy it. When you watch, don't just see two people humping. Watch it and think about how it would feel for that to be you, or imagine doing that with her, or whatever. You may be surprised how much you like it if you give it a shot.........
I think that she said she does not mind if he looks at porn, BUT, it is the web cam, women doing things for him, looking up locals escorts, his lack of sexual interest in her even though she has a higher sex drive. This is not just casual porn, this is a lot more than that.
I think your advice about spicing things up is great, but what if your man is not interested in you (like she stated) and is more interested in the web cams and flirting with escorts....that is a whole different show there.0 -
If your sex drives aren't the same (or at least somewhat similar) it probably isn't going to work.
Just my free and honest opinion
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To clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.0 -
Even if he hasn't cheated physically, he has still cheated emotionally, mentally and visually. As others said - communication. You need to talk this out - counseling may also be needed if you intend to stay together.0
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Didnt read all the responses..but run like the ****ing wind!
My husband cheated on me and it started with internet stuff, I am not saying it is inevitable but lots of guys start with interent porn and it escalates..push it a little futrther each time........phone calls, and eventually meeting woman in person
Before u get in deep with a mortgage, kids etc.....GET OUT!!!!!
Just to clarify I dont see how watching porn together as a couple has anything to do with him doing solo stuff on line wether talking to woman, wed cam etc
completely different!0 -
I feel like you could be dating my ex...In all seriousness though, I caught my ex with the SAME exact stuff. That being said, he was super upset that he was caught and apologized and I forgave him. Then he cheated on me. I guess I feel like someone that breaks a trust in one way, will do it in another. He obviously has some sexual issues, and from my experience, it only gets worse. I'm sure it's really hard since he is your fiance and all, but trust is such a huge issue.
At least your ex apologised and felt guilty - when i confronted mine about sending filthy texts and then visiting the girl his reaction was "Thats just my friend Gemma*, I always try it on with her but she always turns me down." Charming right?! :-/
ick, that's not cool...that being said, my ex apologized because he got caught and he is manipulative..he was not sorry, because he did it again shortly after, and then slept with TWO other girls...0 -
This would seriously bother me. Watching porn is one thing, paying women to do things for you is another in my opinion, even if it is from a computer screen. Searching for women in your area would really upset me too, even if he hasn't actually met up with any of them. Why does he feel the need to even look? He certainly wouldn't have felt the need to hide it from you if he didn't think it were wrong somehow.
It worries me that you've said you don't often have sex, even though yourself have a high sex drive. I'm assuming this means he turns down sex with you. I know plenty of men who watch porn, but they'd never pick it over actual sex with their partner, especially when sex with that person is free, whereas he is actually paying to use webcam services.
If I were in this position, I'd have a really hard time staying with the person. It might sound melodramatic to some, but there are clearly trust issues in the relationship to begin with (what with him hiding things from you and you feeling the need to look) and they aren't necessarily going to go away even if he stops viewing the websites. You could always be paranoid about it which is going to put a massive strain on the relationship. If you do think you still want to give it a shot, you both need to have a serious talk about the relationship and its problems - why he felt the need to visit the sites, your lack of sex life, everything. You could even go in for couples counselling. Let us know what you decide to do.0 -
^^^^^^^^^^ WORD! -TyTo clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.0 -
I think that she said she does not mind if he looks at porn, BUT, it is the web cam, women doing things for him, looking up locals escorts, his lack of sexual interest in her even though she has a higher sex drive. This is not just casual porn, this is a lot more than that.
I think your advice about spicing things up is great, but what if your man is not interested in you (like she stated) and is more interested in the web cams and flirting with escorts....that is a whole different show there.
I wonder, though, if she were a bit more "spicy" herself, then, he may be a bit more interested. It could also have to do with his own esteem issues. I had a relationship like that one time. He had a hard time with me, and any other woman he was in a relationship with, but the girls on TV could not judge. The escort part would bother me. The webcam would not. I go to those. I used to operate one in college. Maybe I see it differently, but the escort part is definitely fishy. If you dont mesh in the sack, send him on his way. Sex is important, and you have to be on the same page with it, for anything to work long term.0 -
He sneaks around & pays for other women to satisfy him even though you want more sex. Whatever the reason for his behavior, marriage is hard and this problem won't go away on it's own and in all likelihood it will get worse. You will never trust him now, so end it now before leaving him means a costly divorce and/or heartbroken children.0
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To clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.
Howcome guys always have a sex drive for porn and not their SO (not being catty, i'm genuinely curious). And everything else you said makes perfect sense!0 -
Didnt read all the responses..but run like the ****ing wind!
My husband cheated on me and it started with internet stuff, I am not saying it is inevitable but lots of guys start with interent porn and it escalates..push it a little futrther each time........phone calls, and eventually meeting woman in person
Before u get in deep with a mortgage, kids etc.....GET OUT!!!!!
Just to clarify I dont see how watching porn together as a couple has anything to do with him doing solo stuff on line wether talking to woman, wed cam etc
completely different!
I agree with this^^^^^^^^
While the viewing of the porn itself might not be a biggie for me. The searching in your area would be. To me if you are just waiting to look at porn why search in your area? I think it would escalate eventually.
The question is, are you willing to take the chance??? Or do you deserve better?0 -
*vomits* ....which is why NOBODY should be given a second chance!I feel like you could be dating my ex...In all seriousness though, I caught my ex with the SAME exact stuff. That being said, he was super upset that he was caught and apologized and I forgave him. Then he cheated on me. I guess I feel like someone that breaks a trust in one way, will do it in another. He obviously has some sexual issues, and from my experience, it only gets worse. I'm sure it's really hard since he is your fiance and all, but trust is such a huge issue.
At least your ex apologised and felt guilty - when i confronted mine about sending filthy texts and then visiting the girl his reaction was "Thats just my friend Gemma*, I always try it on with her but she always turns me down." Charming right?! :-/
ick, that's not cool...that being said, my ex apologized because he got caught and he is manipulative..he was not sorry, because he did it again shortly after, and then slept with TWO other girls...0 -
because everyday you have your great stable hamburger but,once in awhile you liked to get dressed up and go out for a steak dinner but you always come home to the hamburger, -TyTo clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.
Howcome guys always have a sex drive for porn and not their SO (not being catty, i'm genuinely curious). And everything else you said makes perfect sense!0 -
The actual problem here is not that he's watching porn, cam girls, etc... it is that he is seeking sexual gratification elsewhere, and not with you. This is usually the start of where partners cheat...and the fact he is searching for local girls is not a good sign. Perhaps he thinks he cannot ask you to do the things he asks the web cam chicks to do? Sounds to me like a case of broken communication. Have a sit down with him and let him know you are upset and hurt, and let him know "why". I'm sure there is nothing you wont do for him if he asks, right? Let him know that!!! If talking with him changes nothing....let him know you wont have anything to do with a relationship that wont have anything to do with you. You cannot marry a man you do not trust. Period.0
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Your SO needs to grow up. Make sure he's not using your credit cards.0
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I would consider it a form of cheating. He is actually interacting with another female. Not watching a porno. He is INTERACTING with the female. Reguardless if it is over web cam or not.0
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Don't know the complete circumstances, but if there is still enough LOVE between the two of you, he might have some sort of sex addiction which might be helped with therapy. From my perspective, unless your man gives you tangible PROOF that he understands how hurtful this is - that he understands that he needs to dig down deep and effect change in himself - I would make other Plans, Lovey.... Trust is mandatory in a committed relationship. Hope you can work things out..... :flowerforyou:0
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I have been married to my husband for 9 years and we have been together for 14. We have had issues with him watching porn for years. My husband is the same he doesn't want to have sex a lot, but he can sure find the time for porn behind my back.
First thing, this is not about you. I have learned this after years of blaming myself that I wasn't adventurous enough or that I wasn't thin enough or pretty enough. It wouldn't matter if you did everything he wanted in bed and was a super model he would still feel compelled to do this.
Also, this may not change. This has really put a strain on my marriage and it still may. I am not sure why he is so resistant to change this even though he could lose me and his son, but it is something that has a hold on him.
There is a good book called Every Heart Restored by Fred & Brenda Stoeker. I am a Christian and it is written by Christians, but if you are not a Chirstian you still may get some very interesting information. Some woman felt like it said that there is nothing men can do about this, but that is not true. With help they can get over this.
I hope this helped. Oh and to me it is cheating.0 -
At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.
Agree ^^ I have to wonder why he'd care where the girls were if he wasn't at least toying with the idea of taking it further than the internet.
Basically this, though it can be said that 'women in your area' is an often used pitch in porn and is just another fantasy. There are escort sites online of course, but some just claim to be in your area since it's more exciting that way.0 -
I haven't read all of the responses.
Porn is ok/awesome in my books. However I have a couple of concerns here:
1) Why is he paying for it when there is so much great free porn out there? Either he's not too bright or is not financially intelligent at least. Paid porn is pricey.
2) He's emailing/initiating contact with real women locals (escorts or whatever), that indicates intent to me. He has a desire to seek out other sexual experiences outside of your relationship. If you like the potential of sharing crotch rot with hookers, go ahead and marry him. Otherwise, put on the brakes and get to the bottom of why he is doing this. Porn is one thing, actively seeking out experiences with prostitutes is another and constitutes at bare minimum a safety risk.0
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