Does this constitute cheating to you?

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  • 2April
    2April Posts: 285 Member
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    I would dump him and let him focus his money and attention on getting you back. It sounds like he takes you for granted. If this turns out to be some kind of compulsion that he can't give up then I would break up for good. ( I would also continue to breach his privacy so I could make an informed decision about whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and whether I wanted him to be the father of my children).
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
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    Honey, I'd have a serious talk with him. If he can't commit to stop completely, then it's time to break it off. Whether you call it cheating or not isn't the real issue. A label isn't going to make or break it. The point is you're not even married yet and already he's decided that he needs something else. If he's not willing to wait until you're married, what will he do after you are married?

    In addition, he's spending money to do this, which is worse b/c it's a waste of money. You already know he's looked for local women. There's no reason to do this unless he intended to meet up with them. You know this even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I think you already know this. Either he agrees to quit entirely or you need to realize that he's not going to be faithful and call it off.

    hugs
    Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

    Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
    I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

    He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

    I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

    I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

    What would you do???
  • Dudagarcia
    Dudagarcia Posts: 849 Member
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    YES
  • dansls1
    dansls1 Posts: 309 Member
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    Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
    Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
    The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
    Communication is key.
    Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
    The best things in life are worth fighting for.

    Exactly. It's not cheating because he's intereacting with webcam girls, it's cheating because he's doing it behind your back.
  • Stymie977
    Stymie977 Posts: 12 Member
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    If you have to ask then it probably is.
    Next you have to dig deep and be honest with yourself. Is this something you are going to be able to "let go", or will it haunt you forever. If you think it may be in the back of your mind always, then it may be time part ways. If tt will be something that you are always going to be wondering or thinking about, you probably arent going to be happy.
    At the same time you know him better than any of us, and we have only what you have said. If you believe your relatinoship can move past this, whether it is on your own or with the help of a pro, then dont give up. No relationship works without communication. You both need to talk about it. Try to keep an open mind, and remeber to listen, and think before you speak.
    Just my opinion.
  • HLeAnn
    HLeAnn Posts: 261 Member
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    Porn is not a big deal. My bf and I both watch it on occasion. But what you described is NOT just a quick visual fix to get off. Paying live women to do things on camera is crossing the line, in my opinion. Especially if he's searching locally. I'm sorry...hopefully you two can have an open conversation about this issue and work through it. If you can achieve that, I wouldn't call this issue a deal-breaker.


    Good luck:flowerforyou:
  • theoneandonlybrookie
    theoneandonlybrookie Posts: 341 Member
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    I personally wouldn't consider that cheating, but clearly it is to you because of your reaction to it. That's what matters.

    I believe that we all have different boundaries in our relationships, and he needs to respect yours.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
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    I don't think it matters whether other people think it's cheating or not - I think what matters is that it upset you.

    From your post - it sounds like it upsets you on two (maybe 3) levels - he's watching this as opposed to having sex with you, he's searching for local women which make the possibility that he will meet them seem real, and he's paying for it.

    That last one may seem like no big deal - but it is. Fiscal issues are a huge deal when you're married and I believe those sites can be really pricey. The sex issue is also a huge deal, particularly since he is still feeling sexual - just not toward you.

    Doesn't matter whether it's cheating or not. All that matters is that you work it out BEFORE you get married.
  • kymillion
    kymillion Posts: 791 Member
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    I'd be more upset with his poor fiscal decisions. That is a lot of money just to watch something over a crappy webcam.


    my sentiments exactly is more like a sexual addiction if you are creeping around and paying for it being dishonest .. that's a lot of covering to do ..

    ** as far as cheating for me goes.. if he was just watching porn it wouldn't be a big deal , if he has to watch porn away from you or tries to cover it up its sketchy, if he is searching people in your area then I would guarantee that he was planning or seriously fantasizing peeping out these other broads. between the money the women and the questions of his possible fidelity I would give him the boot. to many levels of dishonesty for me.

    What if the tables were reversed Guys .. would it be cheating to you if a girls spending money making some guys perform webcam tricks? what if shes looking for men in her area , Men are pretty territorial as far as I have seen and I am pretty sure that "girl" would get the boot.
  • DieVixen
    DieVixen Posts: 790 Member
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    Its not cheating yet.I would have no issue with whats going on,but the searching for local women is a bit of a red flag. I would also be pissed if he was spending OUR money on webcame *kitten* since he can get it for free from porn hub or you porn
  • barongaston
    barongaston Posts: 109
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    I think you are missing the larger issue, If you ever trusted him, you don’t trust him anymore. The rest is fluff. You demonstrated that you don’t trust him by probing his other accounts looking for justification to call him a cheater and take your next actions.

    Communication is great, Communication is indeed the key but if you don’t trust what he is saying . . . . . walk away now. You have to be 100% honest with yourself or you’ll drive yourself nuts every time he gets on the computer wondering if he is trolling for "local girls"
  • ladylu11
    ladylu11 Posts: 631 Member
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    so if you stay with him considering ALL the issues going on in this relationship. Do you honestly think a ceremony is going to make it better???

    Seriously, I'd be concerned about what he would be thinking he could get away with after he puts a ring on your finger if you stay through this.

    you need to marry a man that wants you and only you.
  • dmf80
    dmf80 Posts: 60
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    Real men don't view porn, they get laid. Period.
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
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    Well at least he wasn't going to strip clubs.
  • gumigal82
    gumigal82 Posts: 350
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    It doesn't matter what I think, or what we here think, it's about what you think. You obviously view it as a betrayal of trust, and disgusting, which it is. If you believe it to be cheating, have a discussion with this guy about it. About what you think cheating is, and what he thinls the definition is. If you can, ask why he was doing what he was doing...if the answers mean anything.
  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
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    cheating or no, the real question is if you can and will tolerate it.

    i would not.

    see? i'm walking away already.

    all the best to you. {{{hugs}}}
  • adrian_indy
    adrian_indy Posts: 1,444 Member
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    Real men don't view porn, they get laid. Period.

    Real men/women have profile pics and open pages.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,732 Member
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    Set up your own site and him pay you?
  • cfriend71
    cfriend71 Posts: 207 Member
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    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........

    This would concern me. If he's not having sex with you, then he may be getting it elsewhere.
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
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    this guy has other underlying issues. he needs to face them and decide if he can make a true commitment to you.

    you need to decide if he is capable of addressing those issues.

    do you really want this sort of baggage in a union that is set up for a life together?

    Go talk to him...but the truth might hurt you.

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