Does this constitute cheating to you?
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because everyday you have your great stable hamburger but,once in awhile you liked to get dressed up and go out for a steak dinner but you always come home to the hamburger, -TyTo clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.
Howcome guys always have a sex drive for porn and not their SO (not being catty, i'm genuinely curious). And everything else you said makes perfect sense!
Good point!!
@OP: This is my un-qualified opinion but i'd rule out sex addiction, because i assume with sex addiction he'd do it with anyone whenever the chance arose. ie: you!0 -
and in some cases a local walk to your corner snack cart for qik fast service depending onyour cravings-Ty
because everyday you have your great stable hamburger but,once in awhile you liked to get dressed up and go out for a steak dinner but you always come home to the hamburger, -TyTo clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.
Howcome guys always have a sex drive for porn and not their SO (not being catty, i'm genuinely curious). And everything else you said makes perfect sense!
Good point!!
@OP: This is my un-qualified opinion but i'd rule out sex addiction, because i assume with sex addiction he'd do it with anyone whenever the chance arose. ie: you!0 -
Thank you everyone....I know a couple of people think I shouldn't have posted here,I am not posting on here to get a reaction, more cos if I speak to friends then a) most of them are his friends too (we have a lot of mutual friends). b) they will change their opinion of him forever. More than anything I just want to get thing straight in my head before I speak to anyone else about it. That's just how I am.
I think I am fairly open minded but he has been on this site alot and he had gone to the effort to delete some history. For thos ethat don't believe, I did stumble across it...it's his own computer and I only used it cos mine had to be left at work for an upgrade and I needed to pay the TV licencing bill before the end of APril!! I don't check his phone or facebook or email or anything like that - although I couldn't say that if we stay together I won't want to in the future.
Thank you very much for all your responses. It has certainly given me a lot to think about and it is interesting to hear different people's points of view.0 -
Im one of the few men on here that would tell you it's time to move on without this man.
Pornography is a parasite. It steals emotions and connections away from your spouse, whether fully intended or not. Certainly not in all cases...but obviously in his case, he has separated himself from you and put his focus on other things...and you aren't even married yet.
I'll make myself very clear: If he's getting away with this type behavior now and you're not married, why on earth would he quit doing these things when you are married?
Another thing: it sounds like you aren't happy. So why marry the guy and continue to be unhappy?
Crazy!0 -
That is sad that he has to turn to that when he has you! I dont mind Porn as well but this is going beyond that.
Unfortunately I know things like this are hard to change in a person. I knew someone who was addicted to it and it ruined his relationship with his wife and family.
Hope he is able to stop..0 -
On the flip side for those that say they are the STEAK DINNER at home........sometimes you want to go out and have that greasy fast cheesburger-Ty0
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To clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.
Beautifully put!0 -
On the flip side for those that say they are the STEAK DINNER at home........sometimes you want to go out and have that greasy fast cheesburger-Ty
Maybe so...but when you decide to get married or be in a committed relationship...you can't have that greasy fast cheeseburger (unless the SO says it is OK) Rules are different for single people and committed people.0 -
He needs to run; fast and in a hurry. No, both of you need to run in separate directions!
You checked his messages? His FaceBook?
HUGE trust issues going on there. Granted, they are founded, but that is his personal space.
He obviously likes porn - live or otherwise. That is something you can accept or not.
Not the best way to start a marriage, for either of you.
I'd rather have all of the facts before I married someone. Trust can be overrated.
One day a father was suspicious of his adult son and asked to look inside a small trunk inside the son's bedroom. The son replied, "Dad, if you don't trust me to have to have a cubic foot of personal space then that is messed up." (or something along those lines). The father agreed that this was reasonable and did not make his son open the trunk.
It turns out the son was Jeffrey Dahmer and there was, in fact, a human head in the trunk. If his father had only trusted his gut, and not some lofty notion of trust, then many lives could have been spared.0 -
To clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.
Howcome guys always have a sex drive for porn and not their SO (not being catty, i'm genuinely curious). And everything else you said makes perfect sense!
I think probably a few reasons. One I know EXACTLY what I like, and can adjust to the millisecond. Two - it's all about me, so in a way it's less stress (not that we think having sex is a stress you understand, but sometimes women just expect that guys just get horny and it's on where as sometimes we need to be turned on by you too and there is a surprising number of women out there who don't understand that. So if you've got a women who can't be bothered with all that then it can be a bit of a chore), it's less complicated. It's like...oh I'm hungry - I'll put some bread in the toaster....it's the same thing...I'm bored, what can I do...
Plus it's like a safety mechanism so we don't kill people.0 -
I think that she said she does not mind if he looks at porn, BUT, it is the web cam, women doing things for him, looking up locals escorts, his lack of sexual interest in her even though she has a higher sex drive. This is not just casual porn, this is a lot more than that.
I think your advice about spicing things up is great, but what if your man is not interested in you (like she stated) and is more interested in the web cams and flirting with escorts....that is a whole different show there.
I wonder, though, if she were a bit more "spicy" herself, then, he may be a bit more interested. It could also have to do with his own esteem issues. I had a relationship like that one time. He had a hard time with me, and any other woman he was in a relationship with, but the girls on TV could not judge. The escort part would bother me. The webcam would not. I go to those. I used to operate one in college. Maybe I see it differently, but the escort part is definitely fishy. If you dont mesh in the sack, send him on his way. Sex is important, and you have to be on the same page with it, for anything to work long term.
I agree...you have got to mesh with your partner and spice things up...trust me, I have been with the same ma for 24 years...I know that he would love to have (as Ty would say) hamburgers and steaks...so I do my best to be both at home.
If it was just one thing, she would probably be fine...but you just have so many factors, that I would be upset. Lots of warning signs!!!I think probably a few reasons. One I know EXACTLY what I like, and can adjust to the millisecond. Two - it's all about me, so in a way it's less stress (not that we think having sex is a stress you understand, but sometimes women just expect that guys just get horny and it's on where as sometimes we need to be turned on by you too and there is a surprising number of women out there who don't understand that. So if you've got a women who can't be bothered with all that then it can be a bit of a chore), it's less complicated. It's like...oh I'm hungry - I'll put some bread in the toaster....it's the same thing...I'm bored, what can I do...
That was a good explanation. I never understood why men like porn so much. It just all seems the same and quite boring to me...but I guess I understand not having to perform and just a little entertainment.0 -
That is not porn though...Porn is a video that you watch not a one on one cam with another human been face to face.
I hope what happened to me doesn't happen to you...This is how is started with my ex husband when we were engaged.... then it moved on to other things and eventually ended with him continuely going to the "gym" with a "friend"....I have proof they were doing more than that. I wasted many years of my life to that man that I will never be able to get back.
Sounds like you have a few decisions to make...if he is flirting with temptation like that then something is already missing with you two....And I would cut my losses if I could do it over0 -
Some women may grow tired of the gelatinous lump in front of the computer screen and will trade them in for a man who will take them out for a steak dinner.On the flip side for those that say they are the STEAK DINNER at home........sometimes you want to go out and have that greasy fast cheesburger-Ty0 -
I feel for you, I really do. When it comes to a guys opinion on the subject, it's usually that it's A-OK because they're not physically cheating, but there's an emotional betrayal right there that is often harder for the woman to come to terms with because we naturally take it personally. It's not enough to be told not to see it as an attack on ourselves, though. If he felt the need to try to cover it up, he felt it was WRONG, and he knew it.
Sadly I've experienced similar and even after talking about the situation, my husband continued to view porn in various manners and always got caught because he didn't hide it well enough (he let me use his phone to Google something, and there it was on the search bar, for example) and then he felt bad because he'd been caught, not because he'd hurt me. After time and time again of indiscretion, I basically laid it out for him; it was either his habit or me. I couldn't handle the emotional blackmailing and constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough.
It will eat at you for a long time unless you can find a way to come to terms with it. As someone else worded well, it's not about you, it's all about him. It's not an attack on you, it's a failure on his part. You need to talk to him to explain why it makes you uncomfortable, especially with him looking for women in the area. Viewing online, even to some degree 'directing' what he's viewing on the screen is still bounds better than searching for something local and discreet. It sounds very unlikely that he was just 'browsing' for those things. (Although from what I have seen of porn sites, they have those 'find singles/hot women in your area' ads over them...maybe he clicked on one out of curiosity or possibly accident?)
Good luck. Friend me if you need an extra ear.
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Id consider it as cheating. Watching pre-made clips is one thing, paying for women to please you is another.
These are private sessions, it's not just videos, he is interacting with live women.
You need to discuss what consists as cheating in your relationship and boundaries. I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you, hope for the best in whatever you decide to do!
This is how I feel. Especially if he's searching for women in your area. I'm definitely feeling this could lead to more.
It's definitely a betrayal of trust no matter how you slice it. He was intentionally going behind your back to have other women please him.
If it were me, I'd tell him to hit the road, but ultimately it's your decision.0 -
I think probably a few reasons. One I know EXACTLY what I like, and can adjust to the millisecond. Two - it's all about me, so in a way it's less stress (not that we think having sex is a stress you understand, but sometimes women just expect that guys just get horny and it's on where as sometimes we need to be turned on by you too and there is a surprising number of women out there who don't understand that. So if you've got a women who can't be bothered with all that then it can be a bit of a chore), it's less complicated. It's like...oh I'm hungry - I'll put some bread in the toaster....it's the same thing...I'm bored, what can I do...
That was a good explanation. I never understood why men like porn so much. It just all seems the same and quite boring to me...but I guess I understand not having to perform and just a little entertainment.
To be honest it isn't much entertainment, at least not for me, I'd much rather have sex, but sometimes you're in the mood for the epic movie, and sometime you just want to put an episode of scrubs on even though you've seen it plenty of times before.0 -
You wouldn't believe the millions of crazy thoughts and fantasies that go through a guys head some need to stay there lol.
If yer wake up in the middle of the night with a big problem on your hands and literally aint ever gonna sleep you need to sort it - it's a mechanical thing.
I get on with women that understand that idea but also make it perfectly clear what is working for them give feedback and to some extent show some appreciations. If your just gonna lie there I can literally guarantee to have more fun on my own
If you are putting in the effort then you have problems, however, even in that case it may be simply he has fantasies and he's uncomfortable in the comfy relationship to risk bringing them up. You could bring them up - but do it by spicing up the bedroom not interrogating him at the dinner table like a naughty school boy. At the end of the day if you dont like what he's into again its probably not going to last.
Bottom line though, I do find it very weird he's paying. Also whatever you think you know there will be much much more going on0 -
Some women may grow tired of the gelatinous lump in front of the computer screen and will trade them in for a man who will take them out for a steak dinner.On the flip side for those that say they are the STEAK DINNER at home........sometimes you want to go out and have that greasy fast cheesburger-Ty
:drinker:0 -
Some women may grow tired of the gelatinous lump in front of the computer screen and will trade them in for a man who will take them out for a steak dinner.On the flip side for those that say they are the STEAK DINNER at home........sometimes you want to go out and have that greasy fast cheesburger-Ty
:drinker:
DOUBLE :drinker: :drinker:0 -
Some women may grow tired of the gelatinous lump in front of the computer screen and will trade them in for a man who will take them out for a steak dinner.On the flip side for those that say they are the STEAK DINNER at home........sometimes you want to go out and have that greasy fast cheesburger-Ty
:drinker:
DOUBLE :drinker: :drinker:
TRIPLE :drinker: :drinker: :drinker:0 -
My rule of thumb is, if you have to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn't be doing it.
If I caught my husband watching porn, I wouldn't care.
But if I caught him paying for a live webcam show, I'd kill him.
This!0 -
My rule of thumb is, if you have to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn't be doing it.
If I caught my husband watching porn, I wouldn't care.
But if I caught him paying for a live webcam show, I'd kill him.
This!
Just to clarify - this is because he is wasting money when it is readily available for free, right?0 -
Real men don't view porn, they get laid. Period.
Disagree...they do both, but they get laid way more often. :laugh:0 -
I believe that porn is an intimacy blocker. How can you have sex with you his future wife when he is using pron to get off so to speak. There is underlying issues here and that is why he is resorting to pron. so you can either work through those issues with him or move on.0
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To be honest it isn't much entertainment, at least not for me, I'd much rather have sex, but sometimes you're in the mood for the epic movie, and sometime you just want to put an episode of scrubs on even though you've seen it plenty of times before.
Real sex is a lot better!! But still, I would would rather watch a rerun of Scrubs than porn...atleast I can laugh at Scrubs...porn is like....oh...so she is doing that again...like they all follow the same basic sex script.My rule of thumb is, if you have to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn't be doing it.
If I caught my husband watching porn, I wouldn't care.
But if I caught him paying for a live webcam show, I'd kill him.
This!
Just to clarify - this is because he is wasting money when it is readily available for free, right?
I think women find the webcam worse than porn just because it seems more personal. Like if your husband cheats on you, it would hurt more if he fell in love with the other woman....more of a relationship instead of just sex. So, I think most women view the webcam as having more of a relationship with the performer. I think this is why most women do not care for the web cam. And of course, looking for escorts...NOT Good!!0 -
I think what is important here is how this makes YOU feel that your SO is doing these things. He should respect your feelings. If you feel as tho he is cheating by doing this. You need to state to him that is how you feel about it and you feel that by interacting with these females that is crossing the line into cheating. Find out if he is willing to change his behavior when he sees how it effects you. If not, that is where some tough decisions might have to be made.0
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I think women find the webcam worse than porn just because it seems more personal. Like if your husband cheats on you, it would hurt more if he fell in love with the other woman....more of a relationship instead of just sex. So, I think most women view the webcam as having more of a relationship with the performer. I think this is why most women do not care for the web cam. And of course, looking for escorts...NOT Good!!
I've hear this so many times - I think it rings true, men get up to so many silly things...this is true ... it's just us men BUT when it gets personal it is much harder for women to accept
I think this can be why a lot of women get upity about mens close friends - they see it more as an emotional relationship even though there is nothing physical0 -
Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
Communication is key.
Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
The best things in life are worth fighting for.
Completely agree with above. If the two of you can communicate and get to the real issues that contributed to his behavior it may be that his behavior is different from this point on...could be that this is a character flaw that will repeatedly rear it's head. I think many of us have had some sort of issue in long term relationships where we had to make a choice...is it worth working through the hurt/risk getting hurt again or should I walk away...only you can answer that...and either way it is going to suck for awhile. If you stay together you will both need to work hard to get past this, you might want to seek the help of a relationship counselor if that's an option. Good luck with whatever decision you make!0 -
Does it matter what MFP strangers think is cheating or not? You're the one in the relationship so if you're uncomfortable with it, then it's cheating. You shouldn't need other people's definition of the word as they're not the one in your relationship.
So if everyone in this thread said it wasn't cheating, but you wake up everyday feeling miserable about what he did, you'd stay anyway because we gave our opinion that it wasn't cheating?0 -
Im one of the few men on here that would tell you it's time to move on without this man.
Pornography is a parasite. It steals emotions and connections away from your spouse, whether fully intended or not. Certainly not in all cases...but obviously in his case, he has separated himself from you and put his focus on other things...and you aren't even married yet.
I'll make myself very clear: If he's getting away with this type behavior now and you're not married, why on earth would he quit doing these things when you are married?
Another thing: it sounds like you aren't happy. So why marry the guy and continue to be unhappy?
Crazy!
I love this.0
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