Does this constitute cheating to you?
Replies
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Yes to me that is cheating!!.. it's a betrayal.. I would not marry man who was doing this nor would I stay in a relationhsip with him.0
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I would considered this cheating I'm not a big fan of porn or strip clubs. I think it's disrespectful when u got a wife or gf waiting at home. Idk if it's cause I'm self conscious but I know what his doing is immature.0
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I would be MAD yes, but this is your relationship. No one can tell you what to think or feel. You have to put it out there what you both say is cheating and what isnt, therefore when things like this happen its known and the other party has no choice but to take up for they actions. If my boyfriend paid a random girl to do things; over the web, in person heck yes I would be MAD, only because thats not the relationship we are suppose to have. Everyone relationship is different. Talk to him once your not so mad and explain whats going on and how you feel. Thats the best way! Hope I helped.0
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the definition of cheating doesn't matter here...obviously he has an issue. Speaking from someone who has been here bought the T-shirt then burned the T-shirt....you have problems. This is the tip of the ice burg. The only reason he feels badly is because he got caught. Trust your gut....if it says there's a problem...then trust me Sweety...there IS a problem. He no doubt has other accounts that you are unaware of, he won't use his real FB account...pu-lease...he isn't completely stupid.
If you are having this issue now, I can guarantee he will say what he has to to make it OK....then down the line you will always be wondering and distrusting. The chances are good that he won't just stop. Do yourself a favour and quit while you are ahead. If this was a friend of yours asking YOU what to do....would you tell her to stay or go?0 -
That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!
Not ideal........
Initially I thought not a big deal. It's just extra expensive pR0n. After I read this statement, I think he's got some issues.
There is way to much free porn out there to justify paying for it with that said porn isn't evil but if you are with someone else then its best enjoyed with that other person.
The low sex drive but watches and pays for a lot of porn might mean he's not into you or he's interests have grown apart from your own and it might be time to have a talk. Might want to break it off or get some help before you end up on this show Divorce Court that I'm watching.
We all have our vices .... My personal vice is I like to gamble and given the chance I'd go in a heart beat :laugh: but I'm sure that will change when the first time I lose some cash instead of win.0 -
To clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
I can't possibly disagree with you more. Having a bigger craving for a picture of fake person on the screen than a real live person in your bed? Any guy (or gal!) with that has some serious issues and delusions about what real people are like. There is nothing wrong with porn but when someone prefers it over real sex or their significant other, there is a problem. A big one.
Not every guy looks at porn, this generalization needs to stop. If I were a man that didn't watch porn, I'd get so sick of being told that I do. Most SINGLE guys look at porn and at that time, it's 100% acceptable. Unless you're watching it with a sig other that genuinely likes watching it, it's inappropriate in a serious relationship.0 -
I would say it was a reason to give him the boot as he shouldn't be looking at other women on line. If he is doing that now he is more than likely gonna do it once your married because it is an addiciting habit. I don't think this kind of behavior is harmless because it will cause temptation somewhere down the road for him. I can't tell you what to do but I know I wouldn't want to marry a guy like that.0
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dump him!0
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If he watching porn but not that interested in you then you have a problem. The question is......are you strong enough to admit that it's a problem and you should move on or brave enough to see if he really does love you and stick it out? If it was me and he wasn't willing to have sex but yet was watching porn all the time then he can get out.................. I know easier said than done but really the trust is broken and now your gonna wonder what he is doing every minute of every day. You have to ask yourself if your better than that...................don't know you but I'd say yes, nothing is worth losing your dignity over, especially someone that can lie to you about something as special as sex...........whatever form it may be in.0
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Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.
Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).
He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.
I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.
I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.
What would you do???
To me, it's cheating. it seems you are ok with him having cybersex as long as he's not paying for it? Am I reading this right. And you are cool with him using porn instead of being with you. I wouldn't be ok with any of it.
But, consider this...... this is when your relationship is at it's best. You aren't married yet. It's not stale yet. If it is, you are really going to be in trouble later.
I see some people saying that it's ok - the whole porn thing - and saying the issue is that he is not being with you, as if these things are not connected. I think it might do you good to stop (if you even are) getting advice from folks on here, when it comes to your relationship and doing some research on porn addiction and it's effects on men and relationships. This is your life - Your future!!! Don't let it ride on opinions! Get the facts.
The "pornthing" does not need to be taken out of the equation. The "pornthing" may very well be the equation!
Good luck!0 -
Dump him and run. It will only get worse, much worse.0
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Everyone has a different opinion/definition of cheating.
So, if you think it's cheating and you're hurt by it, then it's cheating.0 -
Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.
Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).
He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.
I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.
I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.
What would you do???
Been there done that.
My guy even went to the extremes of going onto Craigslist and messaging girls to meet up with him.
Porn is one thing, but that i say is cheating. Why hasn't he asked you to do these things that he pays women to do?0 -
Dump his butt. Move on.0
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No. Cheating is oral copulation or vaginal penetration. He was just checking out living porn. Everyone has something they keep either a secret or don't disclose to their significant other, people dont just want to admit it. You BETKNOT listen to these old maids on this thread and give up your man. See if you can set up a web cam and perform tricks for instead of some random tricks performing tricks for him.0
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Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.
Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).
He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.
I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.
I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.
What would you do???
That stinks and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the hurt that this revelation is obviously causing you.
If I were in your shoes - I would postpone the wedding, if there is a date set. I would set some really clear boundaries with regards to the web cam site(s). I would require some accountability, either with you or with a friend who could be trusted not to disclose it to anyone else.
If he is visiting these sites on the down low and you are having an issue with compatible sex drives, these are both huge red flags to me that your relationship is not ready for the commitment of marriage. It is about the betrayal and broken trust. If you can't have trust and honesty in a marriage, it is always going to struggle. Best not to go down that path if you aren't already there.
You obviously love him enough to be engaged to him, so I'm guessing you want to try and work things out. Just be prepared for a bumpy road if he is addicted to these types of sites.0 -
It IS cheating....Especially when he is looking for women in your area....If he hasn't met one in person - he is definitely hoping too. Maybe you should talk to him about why he is doing this...Is he having them do things that you won't do? If so, maybe you should do some of those things for him...It's just a thought.
THIS is one of the most ridiculous things I have read in a VERY long time!!0 -
We all have our own ideals about these kinds of situations. I say, if it bothers you, it always will, therefore there will always be problems. This is something he likes to do, and it's something that bothers you. Cheating or not is completely irrelevant. Putting a term on it won't get you anywhere. It's a matter of the heart.
If you can't trust him as a result of this, the issues are much larger than whether or not he spent a few dollars to get off.0 -
While the suggestions to "do the things for him he is paying for" might be well-intended, it puts the responsibility back on the OP, as if she is the one somehow lacking in their relationship. If there are things he wants to see/watch, he should be communicating that to her, NOT sneaking behind her back and asking for it from other women until he gets busted doing it. Telling her that performing for him will help fix the problem is just putting a tiny bandage on a big, gaping wound.0
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No. Cheating is oral copulation or vaginal penetration. He was just checking out living porn. Everyone has something they keep either a secret or don't disclose to their significant other, people dont just want to admit it. You BETKNOT listen to these old maids on this thread and give up your man. See if you can set up a web cam and perform tricks for instead of some random tricks performing tricks for him.
So she should cheapen herself and lower her standards to get down to this jerk's level? Great advice.0 -
I enjoy watching porn with my OH and on my own and I know he watches it on his own that is all part of being a red blooded female/Male, but interacting live is a completely different story. I would definately not be happy with this. The fact he was searching for girls in the local area is not a good sign. I think you need to trust your gut on the whole situation. Whether it's to forget about it and trust him, or decide it's too much for you to forget
I hope everything works out ok for you!0 -
Im one of the few men on here that would tell you it's time to move on without this man.
Pornography is a parasite. It steals emotions and connections away from your spouse, whether fully intended or not. Certainly not in all cases...but obviously in his case, he has separated himself from you and put his focus on other things...and you aren't even married yet.
I'll make myself very clear: If he's getting away with this type behavior now and you're not married, why on earth would he quit doing these things when you are married?
Another thing: it sounds like you aren't happy. So why marry the guy and continue to be unhappy?
Crazy!
Im happy to know there are a few good ol boys around. People may think I am niave but I know that my boyfriend does not view/watch porn or go to strip clubs....and yes I now this as we are always together by both of our choices. It doesnt mean he is weird or different...just respectful of me as I am of him and that is the way people should be in a relationship. A couple of the guys responses on here are just plain wrong saying all guys do this and classifying them all to be the same. Not true. I dont care for the response that says sometimes you want a good steak and come home to the hamburger....ok so that is great to make your significant other a hamburger and a stripper/porn star the steak....should be the other way around.
So yes, if it is deceitful and something you are not comfortable with then it is cheating. Just like going out to dinner with another man/woman if your spouse doesnt know about it is cheating. Its all leding up to something!0 -
This is definitely not cheating. I would bet the reason he "hides" this from you is because he has fetishes/desires that he feels uncomfortable discussing with you. Maybe you could do something to get him to open up to you. It just may lead to something you both enjoy! It might even help mend the sexual drought you’re experiencing. My guess is that he is bored and doesn't know how to approach you about what he is really into.
Honestly, if you really care about him, find out what he asks those women to do and why it turns him on. Don't berate him for it, just use it as a learning experience and go from there. The most important thing to remember is that even though you may be upset by him doing this, he is doing it for a reason and he has emotions and needs just like you do. As far as the local profiles - psychologically it makes sense. It makes the women he is watching more "real" if he knows they are in the same zip code. I highly doubt there is any need for you to worry about him "cheating" with them because they are escorts, so unless he is packing a fat wallet, he won't be turning to them for release.0 -
That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!
Not ideal........
Technically, what he did is not cheating. Emotionally on the other hand, he's kinda cheating. Relationships are suppose to be about trust and why is he doing this behind your back? If you are fine with porn and strip clubs then why doesn't he do it with you? My last relationship ended because my sex drive was higher than his. Are you going to be ok with this for the rest of your life? I think you have a lot to think about before you get married. Never settle. The two things you posted are HUGE red flags. Good luck.0 -
I like to take a view that if you wouldn't do it with your partner looking over your shoulder, then it's not ok.
*hugs*
I Agree!!!0 -
Yea I'd say that's definitely crossing a line BEYOND porn. If it were the two of you having fun with "live porn" or whatever, then that's another story. OR if you said you were okay with it. But he obviously knew it wouldn't be okay with you because he's doing it late at night and when you're not around. If he has to sneak it, he shouldn't be doing it! :noway:0
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Can you say.......Little red flag!0
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Sorry this is happening to you.
Instead of asking us if you think this is cheating, I think you need to ask yourself if you trust him less for this.
Losing your trust in your partner is a hard thing to fix, and a harder thing to live with.
Make the decision that makes you happy, not what you think is right. If you can forgive and forget then staying might not be so bad. If you can't, move on. Temporary misery if you do [move on], long term if you don't.0 -
At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.
Yeah, this. Why is he so specific about them being in your area if he never planned to do more than view them on a computer?0 -
Maybe he's doing it because his sex drive is low. He may have issues that require a counselor or medication?? :huh:
In my eyes, yeah, it's cheating but only because he's looking for local women. If he's unable to be committed to you completely before you get married, it's questionable as to whether this is the right man "FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE." Don't get into something you'll just have to get out of later.
By the time we are a certain age (I'm 33) there is no time for drama or baby sitting. If he's being dishonest now....do you really have time for this in your future? Trust me, there are so many men out there who would be perfectly happy with a beautiful, sexy woman with a high sex drive. DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT!0
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