Does this constitute cheating to you?

dmpizza

Its creepy.

Take him to a strip club, at least that's face to face

Lyadeia

Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

What would you do???

If you are checking his Facebook when he's not around, you already don't trust him.

It will only get worse if you guys are married.

I'm not telling you to break up with him...but if it were me, I would no longer be engaged to him. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Also, if he has to go look somewhere else for pleasure and gratification, that would be a horrible shot in the gut to me...as if something's not right with me, or I am not good enough for him. And when those feelings start in, they are hard to get rid of.

So basically for me there would be no trust and a shot to my self-esteem. Which would both be deal breakers on their own...but together? He'd be gone.

Good thing you found out before you were married.

aftergypsies

Uh I would not stand for that. Already done porn is one thing (which I don't mind my spouse looking at) but this is on a different level.

Salvi30

Move on. That's very shady behavior, and very disrespectul.. If I were you, all my trust would be gone.

bergsangel

Oh no, I think besides the fact that he lied and was sneaky, he is also interacting with live women. This is not just porn (which I am not supporter of either). I am willing to bet that the sex in your relationship will continue to suffer. It's not as if it gets easier or more spontaneous by adding children, mortgage, etc. I do not envy you and am sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

clobercow

OP. Just ask him why. Ask him what he wants. See if you can fulfill what he needs. Communicate rather than judge. If you two can meet each others needs, then what is the point?

If jumping to conclusions is your way of handling something, the what good does it do? Same goes for him.

bergsangel

Agree totally

Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

What would you do???

If you are checking his Facebook when he's not around, you already don't trust him.

It will only get worse if you guys are married.

I'm not telling you to break up with him...but if it were me, I would no longer be engaged to him. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Also, if he has to go look somewhere else for pleasure and gratification, that would be a horrible shot in the gut to me...as if something's not right with me, or I am not good enough for him. And when those feelings start in, they are hard to get rid of.

So basically for me there would be no trust and a shot to my self-esteem. Which would both be deal breakers on their own...but together? He'd be gone.

Good thing you found out before you were married.

TNTwedell

Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
Communication is key.
Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
The best things in life are worth fighting for.

^^This right here is right on

agreed & very well said

I would be just as upset & hurt as you - but i think its a very "grey" area here - is it cheating, is it not - its a sexual act that is NOT with you - BUT - its not actually "physical"? I guess it boils down to whether, in your heart, you consider it to be cheating or not.

I dont know

It sounds like he is very remorseful (whether its because he "got caught" or if its because he hurt you).... if I were you; I would express my hurt, tell him this is a hardline & you're not ok with it - and if he cant "adjust" ... well, then we have a problem.

focus4fitness

Me personally, I would check his downloads, I would get all of his alternate emails and I would check to see what he has been looking at on craigslist. I would demand everything so I could make an informed choice.

If it were me I would probably go. You're not even married yet and having these kinds of troubles. But I wouldn't judge you either way, come or go, only you know will know the right thing to do. Good luck!

Tybalt71

Maybe presently hes discussing the most personal aspects of his relationship with the web girls/strippers now to get their point of view and opinion of what he should do about your relationship? just saying?

rsmblue

That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

Not ideal........

Having a lower sex drive is one thing, but not interested, is a totally different story.

To me, it seems like you already something decided in your head...

greene89

I could never handle being with someone that needed to do that !!! GROSS!!!

Dont you want better ?? Do you want the man you married and your life long partner to be doing **** like this,

Good thing you arent married yet !! And Found out now.

DaughterOfTheMostHighKing

it's cheating. he was hiding it from you and he knows it's wrong. sounds like it's been going on for a while. he needs help. I wouldn't marry him until he's 'cured'. maybe not marry him at all... that is a bad sign especially if he's paying for it! I know men like to look, but porn is just not healthy.

sugasweetie520

That is cheating. I live with my boyfriend, and he NEVER watches porn. I guess I would allow it, but in both of our minds, we only want to see each other and get off to each other, not to other random people. To me, if you are in a relationship, it should be between the 2 of you. I would never watch porn or get off to other guys, and he would do the same for me. That being said, I know many people who do not mind there bf/gf watching porn. There is a HUGE difference between watching porn, and paying for a woman to do specific things for your pleasure. If my boyfriend did that, I would be DEVASTATED. If he will not even be intimate with you, what gives him the right to do it with other people. In my mind, if he wants to see something, he should ask YOU for it. Paying webcam models in one step away from paying girls for sex. It is not acceptable when you are dating, when you are engaged, or when you are married.
He may be having an issue in the relationsehip and is searching for whatever he is missing somewhere else. You need to sit down and talk to him about why he feels the need to look online for other girls to please him, when you are right there, for FREE. if he is doing sexual things to anyone, it should be YOU, not a random girl on the internet.

If he is looking for local girls in your area, dump him. My sister and her husband are getting a divorce because she just found out he has been cheating on her since before they got married.. 10 years ago. Cheating will be your fiance's next step. Talk to him and find out what his intentions are, and his reasoning behind all of this. It just doesn't seem right.

focus4fitness

I would also like to say, as much as people roll their eyes, Sex addictions do exist. You have no idea how far down he went into the rabbit hole. I don't in general have an issue with porn or with strip clubs but some men don't know when to stop and it leads them to have negative online behavior and eventually leads them to move on to things more real...

rsmblue

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

I don't agree... Sometimes the best advice, or the best way to see things more clearly is to get it from a person that has no stock in the situation...

HelloSweetie4

I have the same view as you. Porn and strip clubs are one thing, but paying a girl to do things on a web cam it too close to cheating. I wouldn't really say it IS cheating, because he's not physicially with the person, but it's definately in a moral grey area and really doesn't seem right.

Ely82010

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

This

I agree!

femmi1120

I'd be pretty angry, but no, I wouldn't consider it cheating. I think for it to be cheating he would need to break either physical or emotional boundaries, but it doesn't seem like there's been a real transgression on either one. If he had slept with a stripper or webcammed with someone he knew in real life who was not a paid "professional" or whatever, then yes, I'd call it cheating.

However, cheating or not, I still think it's really wrong of him to do this behind your back. I'd definitely go see a counselor and try to sort things out before moving into marriage, because if he's doing this now, I feel like it would only get worse later on.

rsmblue

Real men don't view porn, they get laid. Period.

OP - this is great advice

crisanderson27

Maybe presently hes discussing the most personal aspects of his relationship with the web girls/strippers now to get their point of view and opinion of what he should do about your relationship? just saying?

Mhmm...but no one thinks of the shoe on the other foot (even if the foot belongs to this guy...assuming all the OP said is true).

You know...I just recently had some problems with my then girlfriend. They were pretty big, and I was unsure what to do. Man, I wish I'd come running to MFP so you all could have told me to dump her right away. Would have saved me two weeks of spending time with someone I cared about before we mutually decided it wasn't going to work...like adults.

/sigh...the world would be a better place if people would just stay out of other people's relationships. Yes, I know she asked...but man, of someone asks me to shoot them in the head...I'm not going to say 'ok, where's the gun?'.

crisanderson27

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

I don't agree... Sometimes the best advice, or the best way to see things more clearly is to get it from a person that has no stock in the situation...

Really? So have you hears his side too?

Because if not...you have no place to be helping anyone see anything. You don't KNOW any better than anyone else.

KrisyKat

Although I don't necessary categorize your fiance's behavior as "cheating", I do think what he did was wrong. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your fiance is ready to "settle down" and commit to a marriage vow...

So----unless you are interested in becoming a swinger, drop his *kitten* like a moldy Twinkie!!!

KrisyKat

This is not something to be discussed in this type of forum. This is something that should be kept between the 2 of you and your family.

I don't agree... Sometimes the best advice, or the best way to see things more clearly is to get it from a person that has no stock in the situation...

Really? So have you hears his side too?

Because if not...you have no place to be helping anyone see anything. You don't KNOW any better than anyone else.

Uh-oh...sounds like someone is making a personal connection to this topic :laugh:

rsmblue

Im one of the few men on here that would tell you it's time to move on without this man.

Pornography is a parasite. It steals emotions and connections away from your spouse, whether fully intended or not. Certainly not in all cases...but obviously in his case, he has separated himself from you and put his focus on other things...and you aren't even married yet.

I'll make myself very clear: If he's getting away with this type behavior now and you're not married, why on earth would he quit doing these things when you are married?

Another thing: it sounds like you aren't happy. So why marry the guy and continue to be unhappy?

Crazy!

This!

jnerdin

You don't know me, but I would say DEFINITELY YES! It is definitely cheating and it won't stop when you get married. I know of couples where this and similar problems have plagued their marriage for years. It is also, without doubt or exception, only a matter of time before your fiance takes the next step and hooks up with one or more of these women in person. In fact, I would be willing to bet that he already has and is just continuing to lie to you. Don't put up with it, don't ignore it, and don't assume that it will change. If you do, he will continue to cheat on you in this and many other ways and you'll be at risk of STDs and other serious problems. I agree with other responses below that encourage you to require that your fiance get qualified counseling and look into whether or not he has a sex addiction and make very, very sure that the issue has been addressed before even considering marrying him. Not being emotionally involved with this person, if it were me, I'd end the relationship here and now and find someone worth my time, but I understand that it's complicated. Good luck.

Fieldsy

I think its cheating. Its only a matter of time when he physically cheats on you. Im sorry you are going through this.

beckylawrence70

Porn is very addicting and can interfere with "real life". I'd say he has a problem and I'd be pissed. Why does he feel he needs to do that?? I would not marry a man that does that, no way. It only leads to worse......and yes I'd say it's cheating too.

Beatlegirl66

My heart breaks for you that you have found out this information and are faced with the reality of what to do next. I have been in your shoes and I know how confusing and heartbreaking it is.

Prior to my marriage, I found my then finance's stash of porn DVDs. I knew that he watched porn now and then, but I had no idea that he had this large stash of "barely 18" porn DVDs. I was very hurt because I felt betrayed. He had lied to me about it and then hid it in our apartment. He was remorseful and allowed me to get rid of the DVDs. I forgave him and we had a nice talk about open communication. Things were good, although my sex drive was always more than his, I didn't think too much about it.

After we had been married for 3 years, he told me that one weekend when I went out of town with my Mom, he had been with a prostitute. He was under the thought that he had an STD and wanted me to know. He was so sorry. He set up couples couseling for us. He privately renewed our vow. He did not have an STD and was very sorry for doing such a stupid and awful thing. I forgave him once again and we worked on our relationship.

A little more than a year later, I learn that he is now having a full blown affair with a woman he met through his job. He tells me that she can satisfy him in ways that I can't. That he always has loved me but was never truly sexually attracted to me. He had no intentions of ending things with this other woman. And he soon left me for her, leaving me to file for divorce.

I often think back to when we were engaged and I found that porn. My first thoughts (although I wouldn't admit to anyone at that time) was to end the relationship. However, it seemed so silly to do that over porn. Plus he was sorry about it. But now I think if I had ended it back then, I might have saved myself from more heartache and pain 5 years later. I really think my ex's sexually problems got out of control where he needed the next thing.

I obviously can't tell you what to do. But I want to give you my story so that you can think about it. If you want to talk about this, please feel free to friend me. It isn't an easy. Just listen to both your head and your heart and you won't go wrong.

rsmblue

Maybe presently hes discussing the most personal aspects of his relationship with the web girls/strippers now to get their point of view and opinion of what he should do about your relationship? just saying?

I'd hate to think that you would REALLY believe ur own line of crap.... I'm just sayin....