Does this constitute cheating to you?
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Replies
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I enjoy watching porn with my OH and on my own and I know he watches it on his own that is all part of being a red blooded female/Male, but interacting live is a completely different story. I would definately not be happy with this. The fact he was searching for girls in the local area is not a good sign. I think you need to trust your gut on the whole situation. Whether it's to forget about it and trust him, or decide it's too much for you to forget
I hope everything works out ok for you!0 -
Im one of the few men on here that would tell you it's time to move on without this man.
Pornography is a parasite. It steals emotions and connections away from your spouse, whether fully intended or not. Certainly not in all cases...but obviously in his case, he has separated himself from you and put his focus on other things...and you aren't even married yet.
I'll make myself very clear: If he's getting away with this type behavior now and you're not married, why on earth would he quit doing these things when you are married?
Another thing: it sounds like you aren't happy. So why marry the guy and continue to be unhappy?
Crazy!
Im happy to know there are a few good ol boys around. People may think I am niave but I know that my boyfriend does not view/watch porn or go to strip clubs....and yes I now this as we are always together by both of our choices. It doesnt mean he is weird or different...just respectful of me as I am of him and that is the way people should be in a relationship. A couple of the guys responses on here are just plain wrong saying all guys do this and classifying them all to be the same. Not true. I dont care for the response that says sometimes you want a good steak and come home to the hamburger....ok so that is great to make your significant other a hamburger and a stripper/porn star the steak....should be the other way around.
So yes, if it is deceitful and something you are not comfortable with then it is cheating. Just like going out to dinner with another man/woman if your spouse doesnt know about it is cheating. Its all leding up to something!0 -
This is definitely not cheating. I would bet the reason he "hides" this from you is because he has fetishes/desires that he feels uncomfortable discussing with you. Maybe you could do something to get him to open up to you. It just may lead to something you both enjoy! It might even help mend the sexual drought you’re experiencing. My guess is that he is bored and doesn't know how to approach you about what he is really into.
Honestly, if you really care about him, find out what he asks those women to do and why it turns him on. Don't berate him for it, just use it as a learning experience and go from there. The most important thing to remember is that even though you may be upset by him doing this, he is doing it for a reason and he has emotions and needs just like you do. As far as the local profiles - psychologically it makes sense. It makes the women he is watching more "real" if he knows they are in the same zip code. I highly doubt there is any need for you to worry about him "cheating" with them because they are escorts, so unless he is packing a fat wallet, he won't be turning to them for release.0 -
That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!
Not ideal........
Technically, what he did is not cheating. Emotionally on the other hand, he's kinda cheating. Relationships are suppose to be about trust and why is he doing this behind your back? If you are fine with porn and strip clubs then why doesn't he do it with you? My last relationship ended because my sex drive was higher than his. Are you going to be ok with this for the rest of your life? I think you have a lot to think about before you get married. Never settle. The two things you posted are HUGE red flags. Good luck.0 -
I like to take a view that if you wouldn't do it with your partner looking over your shoulder, then it's not ok.
*hugs*
I Agree!!!0 -
Yea I'd say that's definitely crossing a line BEYOND porn. If it were the two of you having fun with "live porn" or whatever, then that's another story. OR if you said you were okay with it. But he obviously knew it wouldn't be okay with you because he's doing it late at night and when you're not around. If he has to sneak it, he shouldn't be doing it! :noway:0
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Can you say.......Little red flag!0
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Sorry this is happening to you.
Instead of asking us if you think this is cheating, I think you need to ask yourself if you trust him less for this.
Losing your trust in your partner is a hard thing to fix, and a harder thing to live with.
Make the decision that makes you happy, not what you think is right. If you can forgive and forget then staying might not be so bad. If you can't, move on. Temporary misery if you do [move on], long term if you don't.0 -
At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.
Yeah, this. Why is he so specific about them being in your area if he never planned to do more than view them on a computer?0 -
Maybe he's doing it because his sex drive is low. He may have issues that require a counselor or medication?? :huh:
In my eyes, yeah, it's cheating but only because he's looking for local women. If he's unable to be committed to you completely before you get married, it's questionable as to whether this is the right man "FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE." Don't get into something you'll just have to get out of later.
By the time we are a certain age (I'm 33) there is no time for drama or baby sitting. If he's being dishonest now....do you really have time for this in your future? Trust me, there are so many men out there who would be perfectly happy with a beautiful, sexy woman with a high sex drive. DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT!0 -
Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.
Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).
He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.
I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.
I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.
What would you do???
I was in almost the same exact situation. I have never been one to care if my guy is watching porn, but my husband started to pay for it and wasn't being with me. I had never had a trust issue before and I was never the kind of girl who snoops through e-mails and facebook etc etc. But I found that something like $20 was taken out of our account (I do the bills and at that time we were going through a financial problem so I was monitoring every single dollar) I asked him about it. He lied saying someone stole his card (which he went on to cancel in front of me so I wouldn't worry about it). That was it. I was like oh okay. So he asked me to check his email for a confirmation letter and I found one email that said "Thank You for you purchase" exact amount and everything. It was really hard to get over that. After a while of contemplating divorce we worked through it, it was hard work and trust that I gave him freely had to be built back up. I was paranoid then, demanding the passwords to his accounts and e-mails.He gave them to me, but I never used them, still couldn't bring myself to just snoop like that. We are doing good now.
I don't know for sure if it should be considered cheating, but it destroyed my trust just as if he had gone out and cheated.0 -
I really don't see what people get out of web cams. I would rather the real deal.
Anyway... Bill Clinton redefined what constitutes cheating. As long as you stick with oral and cigars you are in the clear!0 -
My rule of thumb is, if you have to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn't be doing it.
If I caught my husband watching porn, I wouldn't care.
But if I caught him paying for a live webcam show, I'd kill him.
This is pretty much my feeling on it. If I were your friend, I would worry about what he'll be doing in the future. (I have a friend who's son-in-law just got canned from a nice, cushy job for watching porn on his work computer. Needless to say their world has been rocked.) Personally, I would advise back out of this now. But it's going to be entirely up to you - whether you can get over it, and actually trust him. You're going to have to ask yourself some hard questions. Sorry for you, girl. That sucks.0 -
Im one of the few men on here that would tell you it's time to move on without this man.
Pornography is a parasite. It steals emotions and connections away from your spouse, whether fully intended or not. Certainly not in all cases...but obviously in his case, he has separated himself from you and put his focus on other things...and you aren't even married yet.
I'll make myself very clear: If he's getting away with this type behavior now and you're not married, why on earth would he quit doing these things when you are married?
Another thing: it sounds like you aren't happy. So why marry the guy and continue to be unhappy?
Crazy!
Im happy to know there are a few good ol boys around. People may think I am niave but I know that my boyfriend does not view/watch porn or go to strip clubs....and yes I now this as we are always together by both of our choices. It doesnt mean he is weird or different...just respectful of me as I am of him and that is the way people should be in a relationship. A couple of the guys responses on here are just plain wrong saying all guys do this and classifying them all to be the same. Not true. I dont care for the response that says sometimes you want a good steak and come home to the hamburger....ok so that is great to make your significant other a hamburger and a stripper/porn star the steak....should be the other way around.
So yes, if it is deceitful and something you are not comfortable with then it is cheating. Just like going out to dinner with another man/woman if your spouse doesnt know about it is cheating. Its all leding up to something!
Well said!
My fiance and I watch porn and go to strip clubs together because it's exciting for us TOGETHER! He doesn't venture out to the clubs without me. It's something we've incorporated into our lives on occasion because it's fun, exciting, sexy and revs up an evening out together. But we do it TOGETHER. That's important....0 -
RUN!!!0
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While the suggestions to "do the things for him he is paying for" might be well-intended, it puts the responsibility back on the OP, as if she is the one somehow lacking in their relationship. If there are things he wants to see/watch, he should be communicating that to her, NOT sneaking behind her back and asking for it from other women until he gets busted doing it. Telling her that performing for him will help fix the problem is just putting a tiny bandage on a big, gaping wound.
This. If he is doing it because he's got bored with their sex life and isn't telling her, he's the one with serious communication issues that have no place in a serious relationship. The fault is not with her, whether she's willing to be kinkier in the bedroom or not. People in adult relationships TALK about the issues they're facing.0 -
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Maintaining a happy marriage is a series of challenges. This sounds like your first challenge.
Maybe 15-20% of commenters are giving good advice: talk to the guy.
You liked him enough to accept his marriage proposal, so talk in depth for as long as it takes, or ask him to get counseling with you, to find a) his motivation for consuming this stuff and b) your reason for objecting to it. Explore the problem, the boundaries, the needs.
This is, of course, assuming there aren't things you're already uncomfortable with -- does he normally have poor impulse control? Has he been untrustworthy in other ways? If you had kids with him, would he fail them? If your finances were commingled would he rip you off to give money to camwhores? If you have a gut feeling that this is a bridge too far, you might be right.
Finally, though, I'm married, and I have never nor will I ever cheat on my wife. Out of curiosity, I've looked up local escorts. I've sure looked at porn aplenty, and some of it has been some strange, graphic, gross, esoteric, weird stuff. I've looked up a lot of things on the internet! I've stumbled on things that have made me sick they're so weird. Doesn't mean *I* want to blow a horse though, you know?0 -
I'm actually getting highly and mildly irritated with the responses that sound like this is her fault and hers and hers alone to fix for her fiance......She said she had a high sex drive...If he didn't feel comfortable talking to her about his fantasies well then that's his own darn fault. It is not her fault that she didn't "make him feel more comfortable". I am so sick of men using women as the excuse for their own insecurities and problems. I am sorry but that is the oldest excuse in the book hey your accusing me of something so let me make it about you so you will take your focus off of me and what I DID WRONG......
At the end of the day it's his problem and issue....not hers.....I am been through this with my own husband with his sexual wants being something he thought i would be too innocent to try....And like I said at the end of the day it's their problem for keeping their mouth shut... Closed mouths dont get fed...And lets not even go there about ummm what is he doing for her to spice things up...She isn't getting sex from him and she is still there for him.... How many men could say the same if their girl wasn't giving it up..???
Rant over I am sorry but some of you men shouldn't be giving such crappy advice.0 -
That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!
Not ideal........
I had this issue awhile back with my husband and I can pinpoint it. We had just moved, and we hadn't done anything in like 2 weeks. The next day I found a strange charge on his credit card statement (I paid all the bills) he tried to lie and say it was something else so I called the number and viola..exactly what i thought. Porn.
I don't have a problem with Porn either, but the fact that he was substituting a sexual relationship with me with porn was a problem. He was extremely upset as well, but because he was caught. He was even mad at me, saying I invaded his privacy.
I agree with others, communication is the key. My advice, if you have trouble articulating exactly what you need to say to your fiance to make him understand how you feel without mixing up the reasons or having it come out wrong, write it down first. Sounds dumb, but it really helps.
Good luck girl...0 -
big picture warning sign:
you are more interested in sex (higher sex drive) than him and he is doing anything sexual away from you.
the rest is just details about what is so wrong with it.0
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