Does this constitute cheating to you?

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  • reka74
    reka74 Posts: 70
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    NO
    But I don't see how this 'voting' going to help you...
    Good luck
  • mznisaelaine
    mznisaelaine Posts: 2,262 Member
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    That is just unacceptable IMO.

    I consider that cheating
  • MsQt
    MsQt Posts: 793 Member
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    ...sorry that is a deal breaker for me.

    Agreed
  • AlmstHvn
    AlmstHvn Posts: 378 Member
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    I see several red flags in your posts - I highly recommend couples' counseling. If he doesn't see a problem, or thinks you're the one with "the problem" for being upset about it, then you have a very big decision to make.
  • MaryPhilomena
    MaryPhilomena Posts: 31 Member
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    Today is my 41st wedding anniversary and if I can offer any advice it would be get out now. You are worth loyality, respect and honesty and his lack of same towards you does not bode well for the future. Porn is okay if it is shared and agreed as a couple but if you will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering if he is cheating, get out now. Leopards do not change their spots and if he is seeking illicit thrills this way he will contine to do so one way or another. Whatever you decide to do I wish you well but I just want to say that you should hold yourself is higher regard than he appears to do ♥
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
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    Today is my 41st wedding anniversary and if I can offer any advice it would be get out now. You are worth loyality, respect and honesty and his lack of same towards you does not bode well for the future. Porn is okay if it is shared and agreed as a couple but if you will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering if he is cheating, get out now. Leopards do not change their spots and if he is seeking illicit thrills this way he will contine to do so one way or another. Whatever you decide to do I wish you well but I just want to say that you should hold yourself is higher regard than he appears to do ♥

    So, do you know what their personal life is like? Do you know what their sex life is like? Do you know how she might or might not treat him? Do you know how he might or might not treat her outside of this circumstance?

    The answers to all of these questions...are no.

    But you're willing to bet their future on one sided advice with no knowledge of the FULL circumstances??

    That's actually kind of sad.

    I stand by my earlier post.
  • gumigal82
    gumigal82 Posts: 350
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    I would NOT consider that cheating. Porn is healthy and normal and fun. I think it's silly to get upset over something so small.

    Porn can be healthy and normal and fun, if it is out in the open, or even shared btwn the couple. But this was hidden, and more than just "simple porn".
  • QueChulaYo
    QueChulaYo Posts: 71
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    I should say i have been married 20+ years and times have changed. I am sorry you are struggling with your decision.
    I would consider it cheating and lying too. Please consider you are not even married yet, and he is not into have sex with you.
    I think the problem for me is he is paying other real women, for cam sex ..... sex none the less, your not getting it, but these are real women.
    watching porn with your partner or alone is one thing, but he is searching for women in your area as well.

    Honor, respect, and most important trust, are the bases for loving healthy relationship, are you getting these things from him???

    Listen to your heart, and pray to the Lord for guidance, it will lead you. Message or add me if you need to talk:)
  • alegnafireproof
    alegnafireproof Posts: 26
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    I think it is. But I dont know your world view. But if you don't think he is cheating now just wait a few years into your relationship when things are not as hot. You two may want to go to couples counseling.
  • hollyeverhart
    hollyeverhart Posts: 397 Member
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    I would be PISSED. That is crossing the line.. Porn is one thing, Paying for another women to do something sexual just for you online is completely passed the line of acceptable... I would be crushed & upset. Honestly if I found out that my husband had been doing that, spending our money on that, searching for people in our area etc etc, he wouldn't be my husband anymore! Trust would be gone. Good luck!
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
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    Its creepy.

    Take him to a strip club, at least that's face to face
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

    Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
    I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

    He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

    I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

    I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

    What would you do???

    If you are checking his Facebook when he's not around, you already don't trust him.

    It will only get worse if you guys are married.

    I'm not telling you to break up with him...but if it were me, I would no longer be engaged to him. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Also, if he has to go look somewhere else for pleasure and gratification, that would be a horrible shot in the gut to me...as if something's not right with me, or I am not good enough for him. And when those feelings start in, they are hard to get rid of.

    So basically for me there would be no trust and a shot to my self-esteem. Which would both be deal breakers on their own...but together? He'd be gone.

    Good thing you found out before you were married.
  • aftergypsies
    aftergypsies Posts: 248 Member
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    Uh I would not stand for that. Already done porn is one thing (which I don't mind my spouse looking at) but this is on a different level.
  • Salvi30
    Salvi30 Posts: 196 Member
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    Move on. That's very shady behavior, and very disrespectul.. If I were you, all my trust would be gone.
  • bergsangel
    bergsangel Posts: 131
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    Oh no, I think besides the fact that he lied and was sneaky, he is also interacting with live women. This is not just porn (which I am not supporter of either). I am willing to bet that the sex in your relationship will continue to suffer. It's not as if it gets easier or more spontaneous by adding children, mortgage, etc. I do not envy you and am sorry you are going through this. Good luck.
  • clobercow
    clobercow Posts: 337 Member
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    OP. Just ask him why. Ask him what he wants. See if you can fulfill what he needs. Communicate rather than judge. If you two can meet each others needs, then what is the point?

    If jumping to conclusions is your way of handling something, the what good does it do? Same goes for him.
  • bergsangel
    bergsangel Posts: 131
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    Agree totally
    Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

    Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
    I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

    He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

    I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

    I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

    What would you do???

    If you are checking his Facebook when he's not around, you already don't trust him.

    It will only get worse if you guys are married.

    I'm not telling you to break up with him...but if it were me, I would no longer be engaged to him. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Also, if he has to go look somewhere else for pleasure and gratification, that would be a horrible shot in the gut to me...as if something's not right with me, or I am not good enough for him. And when those feelings start in, they are hard to get rid of.

    So basically for me there would be no trust and a shot to my self-esteem. Which would both be deal breakers on their own...but together? He'd be gone.

    Good thing you found out before you were married.
  • TNTwedell
    TNTwedell Posts: 277 Member
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    Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
    Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
    The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
    Communication is key.
    Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
    The best things in life are worth fighting for.

    ^^This right here is right on

    agreed & very well said

    I would be just as upset & hurt as you - but i think its a very "grey" area here - is it cheating, is it not - its a sexual act that is NOT with you - BUT - its not actually "physical"? I guess it boils down to whether, in your heart, you consider it to be cheating or not.

    I dont know

    It sounds like he is very remorseful (whether its because he "got caught" or if its because he hurt you).... if I were you; I would express my hurt, tell him this is a hardline & you're not ok with it - and if he cant "adjust" ... well, then we have a problem.
  • focus4fitness
    focus4fitness Posts: 551 Member
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    Me personally, I would check his downloads, I would get all of his alternate emails and I would check to see what he has been looking at on craigslist. I would demand everything so I could make an informed choice.

    If it were me I would probably go. You're not even married yet and having these kinds of troubles. But I wouldn't judge you either way, come or go, only you know will know the right thing to do. Good luck!
  • Tybalt71
    Tybalt71 Posts: 1,081 Member
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    Maybe presently hes discussing the most personal aspects of his relationship with the web girls/strippers now to get their point of view and opinion of what he should do about your relationship? just saying?

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