Does this constitute cheating to you?
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point #3: still not sure about this one. if i take something as personal from my husband, or anyone else, it's because it is. maybe i don't fall into the category your talking about. i'm not the type to get upset if a woman with an impressive rack walks by and husband noticed. because i probably noticed too. that's not something i would take personally. but dishonesty is a big no-no, and not being man enough to 'fess up when you mess up - those kinds of things i take personally.
I read point #3 to mean more in the lines with an addiction or fetish or some other sex-related issue. IME, a guy doesn't open up about stuff like that b/c women don't tend to react/respond well. They end up personalizing/internalizing it instead of being able to separate themselves from the issue and addressing the issue.
"i see!" said the blind man as he picked up a hammer and saw.
ooh. fetishes and the like. hmm.
that's a whole'n'other can of worms!
Yeah, I'm reallllly glad hubs doesn't have any fetishes. o.O lol
The thing about all of this, IMO, is that it is very difficult to separate feelings from issues when the issues are hurtful and damaging to the other person and the relationship. It's not easy to extract emotion and only deal with the cold hard facts (as guys would prefer it) b/c the cold hard facts are what caused the hurt and damage. Restoring a relationship after discovering something like the OP discovered takes work and concessions on both sides of the fence.0 -
I understand that being a grade school teacher, this is the kind of thing you deal with on a daily basis...but please, leave it where it belongs...don't bring it to an adult forum.
that was naughty of you. now i'm going to have to send you to the corner.
Yes Miss Chanstriste13, I'm sorry...it won't happen again!.
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DUMP HIM - SCREW THAT GUY - BLAH BLAH BLAH
Yea, just cos you're engaged, throw that away cos he watches porn...
How about you act like a grown up and talk to him about it. Don't accuse - don't berate, don't shout. He has a side too. So often guys can't tell their side cos women (and I'm sorry that this is a crass generalisation, but the stereotype exists for a reason...) tend to get uptight and upset if a guy explains his problems. Instead of wanting to help with them a lot of women will take it as a personal insult and have a go at the guy about it. This means we never bother speaking to you about our thoughts and feelings because we know how you're going to react.
You're meant to be friends as well as lovers - so be his friend and speak to him. In fact you should hardly be speaking to be honest - I actually mean - initiate the conversation and let him speak...and please I can't say it enough - try not to take it personally - even if it seems personal...guys have feelings too.
This thread (and many others on MFP) serve to highlight how little women understand men. There are exceptions where I have seen many women on here posting lucid, considered, logical answers and I'm pretty sure they will know who they are, but unfortunately those women are in the minority...maybe you guys should start classes...?
:noway:
i don't think the op's issue is as much the porn as the documented emails to local escorts.
but anyhoo, why should it be her responsiblity to listen to him rattle off a bunch of excuses and justifications now? why shouldn't he be expected to be the adult - to initiate a conversation about his problem, come clean with her and suggest therapy on his own, not just because he got caught with his pants down?
"guys have feelings too."
are you kidding me? no *kitten*. gah.
Therapy!! Wow some people scare me! You want to get everyone who does something you don't agree with, that isn't that out of the ordinary, down to the shrinks
I think this thread is becoming a fight between liberals who talk logical sense and the narrow minded that quite frankly I'm glad I don't have to deal with.
point #1: i never suggested therapy. the post i quoted suggested the couple "start classes", which sounds like therapy to me.
point #2: porn flicks are not that out of the ordinary. contacting local escorts, on the other hand is generally not what one would expect for a happily engaged fellow.
point #3: politics and porno don't mix, so why try? but since you brought it up, are you suggesting that most liberals would be fine with this situation, and that anyone who would expect their significant other to not stray is narrow minded? just curious.
Liberal as in social liberation not politics :frown:
favoring or permitting freedom of action, especially with respect to matters of personal belief or expression.0 -
Real men don't view porn, they get laid. Period.
[/quote^^^^^^^]LOVE THIS!!!!!0 -
DUMP HIM - SCREW THAT GUY - BLAH BLAH BLAH
Yea, just cos you're engaged, throw that away cos he watches porn...
How about you act like a grown up and talk to him about it. Don't accuse - don't berate, don't shout. He has a side too. So often guys can't tell their side cos women (and I'm sorry that this is a crass generalisation, but the stereotype exists for a reason...) tend to get uptight and upset if a guy explains his problems. Instead of wanting to help with them a lot of women will take it as a personal insult and have a go at the guy about it. This means we never bother speaking to you about our thoughts and feelings because we know how you're going to react.
You're meant to be friends as well as lovers - so be his friend and speak to him. In fact you should hardly be speaking to be honest - I actually mean - initiate the conversation and let him speak...and please I can't say it enough - try not to take it personally - even if it seems personal...guys have feelings too.
This thread (and many others on MFP) serve to highlight how little women understand men. There are exceptions where I have seen many women on here posting lucid, considered, logical answers and I'm pretty sure they will know who they are, but unfortunately those women are in the minority...maybe you guys should start classes...?
:noway:
i don't think the op's issue is as much the porn as the documented emails to local escorts.
but anyhoo, why should it be her responsiblity to listen to him rattle off a bunch of excuses and justifications now? why shouldn't he be expected to be the adult - to initiate a conversation about his problem, come clean with her and suggest therapy on his own, not just because he got caught with his pants down?
"guys have feelings too."
are you kidding me? no *kitten*. gah.
Therapy!! Wow some people scare me! You want to get everyone who does something you don't agree with, that isn't that out of the ordinary, down to the shrinks
I think this thread is becoming a fight between liberals who talk logical sense and the narrow minded that quite frankly I'm glad I don't have to deal with.
point #1: i never suggested therapy. the post i quoted suggested the couple "start classes", which sounds like therapy to me.
point #2: porn flicks are not that out of the ordinary. contacting local escorts, on the other hand is generally not what one would expect for a happily engaged fellow.
point #3: politics and porno don't mix, so why try? but since you brought it up, are you suggesting that most liberals would be fine with this situation, and that anyone who would expect their significant other to not stray is narrow minded? just curious.
Liberal as in social liberation not politics :frown:
favoring or permitting freedom of action, especially with respect to matters of personal belief or expression.
thanks for clarifying.
but you didn't answer my question.0 -
point #3: still not sure about this one. if i take something as personal from my husband, or anyone else, it's because it is. maybe i don't fall into the category your talking about. i'm not the type to get upset if a woman with an impressive rack walks by and husband noticed. because i probably noticed too. that's not something i would take personally. but dishonesty is a big no-no, and not being man enough to 'fess up when you mess up - those kinds of things i take personally.
I read point #3 to mean more in the lines with an addiction or fetish or some other sex-related issue. IME, a guy doesn't open up about stuff like that b/c women don't tend to react/respond well. They end up personalizing/internalizing it instead of being able to separate themselves from the issue and addressing the issue.
"i see!" said the blind man as he picked up a hammer and saw.
ooh. fetishes and the like. hmm.
that's a whole'n'other can of worms!
Yeah, I'm reallllly glad hubs doesn't have any fetishes. o.O lol
The thing about all of this, IMO, is that it is very difficult to separate feelings from issues when the issues are hurtful and damaging to the other person and the relationship. It's not easy to extract emotion and only deal with the cold hard facts (as guys would prefer it) b/c the cold hard facts are what caused the hurt and damage. Restoring a relationship after discovering something like the OP discovered takes work and concessions on both sides of the fence.
well said.0 -
leave the *kitten*.0
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Let you do the things for him, that's good advice. Maybe he was afraid to ask. Secrets like that in a relationship are never a good thing. He should be open about his activities, I think they affect you too. Don't be discouraged though; talk to him about it, take an interest.0
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I feel like I should be saying 'I know you are but what am I?!? I understand that being a grade school teacher, this is the kind of thing you deal with on a daily basis...but please, leave it where it belongs...don't bring it to an adult forum.
At least the posts I was making, despite how much they clearly bothered you...were relevant.
Thank you for taking the time to research my personal life by reading my Hubpage. I didn't realize that someone who has such little interest in my words would actually take the time to read my bio (go figure.)
Also, thank you for making a bland joke about my profession; I just love a dry sense of humor. And, FYI, I can say whatever the *kitten* I feel like saying on this thread. Just because you throw out an inference regarding immaturity doesn't make it the truth.
Finally, since I'm so good at spewing irrelevant comments based on piecemeal information, try this one on for size...
You, sir, are a complete *kitten* (which is probably why your wife cheated on you in the first place) :laugh:0 -
I agree with many of these points. And having gone through what this OP has gone through (when I was engaged just like her) I can only reinterate that unless you have been in that spot and stuck it out you will never be able to understand nor comment on this topic with any real experience....Just respectfully saying.
At the end of the day It's not porn what he did and finding people locally is just the next step from what was a fantasy to what might be in real life one day. Read the vows you will be taking with this man. Honestly nothing that your vowing to one another is being upholded by his actions. Unfortunately my dear whether or not he knows this his actions show you the value that he is holds you at. Its sad it is completely devastating to find out trust me I have been through it. At the end of the day GETTING MARRIED will not magically change him. You have to decide if this is something you can put up with him doing from now on....If not I would put your foot down. If you would like to talk further you can pm me.0 -
I feel like I should be saying 'I know you are but what am I?!? I understand that being a grade school teacher, this is the kind of thing you deal with on a daily basis...but please, leave it where it belongs...don't bring it to an adult forum.
At least the posts I was making, despite how much they clearly bothered you...were relevant.
Thank you for taking the time to research my personal life by reading my Hubpage. I didn't realize that someone who has such little interest in my words would actually take the time to read my bio (go figure.)
Also, thank you for making a bland joke about my profession; I just love a dry sense of humor. And, FYI, I can say whatever the *kitten* I feel like saying on this thread. Just because you throw out an inference regarding immaturity doesn't make it the truth.
Finally, since I'm so good at spewing irrelevant comments based on piecemeal information, try this one on for size...
You, sir, are a complete *kitten* (which is probably why your wife cheated on you in the first place) :laugh:
For the record lol, I'd read (and enjoyed) your bio and hubpage long before running into you in this thread...it wasn't a new thing.
And you're right, my inference regarding your immaturity didn't make it the truth...your actions did, and apparently will continue to do so.
As for the mother of my children...well, if only I were so lucky. That would have been something I could have changed.0 -
For the record lol, I'd read (and enjoyed) your bio and hubpage long before running into you in this thread...it wasn't a new thing.
And you're right, my inference regarding your immaturity didn't make it the truth...your actions did, and apparently will continue to do so.
As for the mother of my children...well, if only I were so lucky. That would have been something I could have changed.
:grumble: I'm tired of wasting my time on you. No matter what I type, you'll have some snide response. My mistake was saying that you made a "personal connection" to this topic. Perhaps that was childish, but I was just trying to be funny. Unfortunately, you took it to heart and started a debate. I'm ending it.
NOTE TO OP:
I won't litter this thread with comments to Mr. *kitten* anymore, and I apologize for all of the large quotes that took away posting space from the other MFPs who wanted to give you advice.
I truly wish you the best and hope that whatever you decide to do yields positive results. If you need support feel free to add me. :flowerforyou:0 -
My mistake was saying that you made a "personal connection" to this topic. Perhaps that was childish, but I was just trying to be funny.
Thank you for that.
My mistake was taking what you said personally. I mean, the internet is littered with hypocritical and judgemental people such as yourself. Usually they don't bother me. You just caught me on a bad day.
Mr. *kitten* out.0 -
I say: CHEATING0
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I feel like I should be saying 'I know you are but what am I?!? I understand that being a grade school teacher, this is the kind of thing you deal with on a daily basis...but please, leave it where it belongs...don't bring it to an adult forum.
At least the posts I was making, despite how much they clearly bothered you...were relevant.
Thank you for taking the time to research my personal life by reading my Hubpage. I didn't realize that someone who has such little interest in my words would actually take the time to read my bio (go figure.)
Also, thank you for making a bland joke about my profession; I just love a dry sense of humor. And, FYI, I can say whatever the *kitten* I feel like saying on this thread. Just because you throw out an inference regarding immaturity doesn't make it the truth.
Finally, since I'm so good at spewing irrelevant comments based on piecemeal information, try this one on for size...
You, sir, are a complete *kitten* (which is probably why your wife cheated on you in the first place) :laugh:
I love the irony of professing that you are not immature, then signing off with that line...made me chuckle0 -
Id consider it as cheating. Watching pre-made clips is one thing, paying for women to please you is another.
These are private sessions, it's not just videos, he is interacting with live women.
You need to discuss what consists as cheating in your relationship and boundaries. I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you, hope for the best in whatever you decide to do!
this^^
god luck girl, I think it is good that you found out before you walked down the isle. At least you are not going in with blinders on if you decide to work it out.0 -
and in some cases a local walk to your corner snack cart for qik fast service depending onyour cravings-Ty
because everyday you have your great stable hamburger but,once in awhile you liked to get dressed up and go out for a steak dinner but you always come home to the hamburger, -TyTo clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.
Howcome guys always have a sex drive for porn and not their SO (not being catty, i'm genuinely curious). And everything else you said makes perfect sense!
Good point!!
@OP: This is my un-qualified opinion but i'd rule out sex addiction, because i assume with sex addiction he'd do it with anyone whenever the chance arose. ie: you!
Ty,
YOU ARE BANG OUT OF ORDER, COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE SOME MORALS!! gOD HELP THE WOMAN/WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE!!0 -
lol
and in some cases a local walk to your corner snack cart for qik fast service depending onyour cravings-Ty
because everyday you have your great stable hamburger but,once in awhile you liked to get dressed up and go out for a steak dinner but you always come home to the hamburger, -TyTo clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...
Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.
Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.
So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.
The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.
Howcome guys always have a sex drive for porn and not their SO (not being catty, i'm genuinely curious). And everything else you said makes perfect sense!
Good point!!
@OP: This is my un-qualified opinion but i'd rule out sex addiction, because i assume with sex addiction he'd do it with anyone whenever the chance arose. ie: you!
Ty,
YOU ARE BANG OUT OF ORDER, COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE SOME MORALS!! gOD HELP THE WOMAN/WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE!!0 -
Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.
Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).
He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.
I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.
I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.
What would you do???
Id say buh bye.0 -
My boyfriend was looking at porn back in sept, i busted him and almost left him. I really did. What he did was admit it, aware it would never happen again. I them found some stuff that looked to be that he was "conversing" on Yahoo, asking for nude pics, blah blah. Well that boy started shaking and trembling, he got more upset then me, then we figured out that he didn't do it. So we r better. He sware that he wouldn't do it. And we talked it out. I'm happy we worked it out, i don't want to throw away 7 years. Do what u have to make him c what he is doing is hurting u.0
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