Does this constitute cheating to you?

jayche

Porn is one thing, contacting LOCAL escorts is another. This is kind of a tricky topic because normally I'd find the guy (or even the girl) watching porn even while in a relationship to be pretty much the norm, then again searching for webcam sessions from girls in his area is a little more suspect.

It all boils down to if you're alright with him paying to get individual attention/pleasure from another girl.

SwimFan1981

Get rid.

zentha1384

I don't have a huge problem with porn

I also don't have a problem with strip clubs

Is it possible since you don't have a problem with these that he thought you would not have a problem with a combination? Paying a person to do stuff (like a strip club) and watching it without touching (like porn).

It could be something like he see it as the same thing (or at least the same level) that it is a miscommunication. You need to tell him how you view it. See how he thinks of it and make sure you are both open with out accusations.

As for the looking up girls in your area 1) Is he actually doing that, there are site that automatically pop up for this, if you are only seeing it in his history it may be an honest thing. 2) If he is then this is what you should be worried about.

Cr01502

If he's contacting local escorts he's intending to cheat on you plain and simple.

teryx123

Just my opinion,,,,,,,,,The bond that binds people is intimacy. That is 90% mental and 10% physical. The idea that you haven't crossed a line if you haven't touched is meaningless to me. You have cheated when have you have violated the intimacy with your partner. It's important to be with people who share your definition of intimacy, whatever that may be.

DamnImASexyBitch

Just my opinion,,,,,,,,,The bond that binds people is intimacy. That is 90% mental and 10% physical. The idea that you haven't crossed a line if you haven't touched is meaningless to me. You have cheated when have you have violated the intimacy with your partner. It's important to be with people who share your definition of intimacy, whatever that may be.

Absolutely this. It sounds like he hurt you badly, and honestly that's not something I think you can recover from. Instead of coming to you with his desires he looked to have them fufilled elsewhere. Unacceptable.

allisonmrn

I'd dump him. That is crap.

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

Biggest problem I see here is that he doesn't want to have sex a lot and you do. That is a relationship killer. Whether this is "cheating" or "not cheating", if he isn't having a satisfying intimate relationship with you, you're not going to be happy in the long run.

But the whole "escort in your area" thing is a big red flag that he has something, maybe a quirk, about what gratifies him that he isn't willing to share with you. And if you've found out through this means, then it could only serve to make him more uncomfortable. If he feels sexually humiliated by your discovery, then it might make things even worse.

It is really difficult to tell anyone to think long and hard before committing to a marriage, but you really need to think long and hard about committing to a marriage.

apexgtp

I'm not reading 17 pages of fluff. I skipped here after reading your post.


Why not watch it with him? Few of my friends do it and they tell me about it(not all details thank god) and we laugh at it. Its primarily just to be more personal than porn without the cheating part. I dont see camsites as the next step to cheating. Its like reading on other places "Help I caught my husband masturbating what do i do?!" Most people respond with "why not jump in and take over for him".

The escort thing is tricky, true it would be cheating but both parties would know going into it that its for one thing only. No matter, that would be cheating if he followed through. But I wouldnt worry about him leaving you or anything else quite yet, get an honest answer from him about it and work through it.

This is from a guys stand point. Cheating is cheating, but he hasnt "yet".

RECowgill

He was looking for someone else in the area? He doesn't want to have sex with you?

Get someone else, end it. That's my advice.

BetterCrazyThanLazy

Maybe he is just not that into you... that's all I can think of...

ETA: Oh, and the engagement - I would get the hell out of it!

Sherbog

I think the fact that he did share with you that he was doing it is a huge offense. Lie by not including you in the fact. How much time and energy do you want to put into this person. How does "my ex finance used to do this" sound?

RevCO30

Not cool, may be tough but I would end it and move on.

Donica_Marie

i say it does I had something similar that happened to me not only did he put a freaky ad out on craislist but also found out he cheated on me with his ex we were together for 5 years and were engaged ....honestly it seems innocent right now but will probably end up not bein faithful in real life...but idk only you can make this choice and live with the reality i know i couldnt do it ....good luck on whatever you choose

suegmune

I bet that those girls are not local. If you frequent porn/dating/torrent sites, you'd notice many ads that say your location. "Meet single women from Boston", etc. Every website you visit sees what your IP address is and figure out where it is located, and then it puts it over images and videos. The fact is, most of the porn (especially those that will do "cheap tricks" for cheap $$) are NOT local at all. Many times they are russian or otherwise foreign. So, if the fact that "they are local" is the thing that pisses you off the most, you can drop that, because they were most likely NOT local. I know many people that run adult websites....so I know this is the case.

WIth regards to you having a higher sex drive and him not wanting to "take advantage of it". I'd say you have some communication to work on. Perhaps things need to be switched up.

Take a look at all aspects of your relationship. This shouldn't be big enough to break you apart. But if this is just one of many issues, then you might need to move on.

Velum_cado

I wouldn't consider that cheating, in my own relationship, but "cheating" is subjective. I would, however, consider it against the rules and we'd have a talk about why he does it, and why I don't like it so we can understand each other a bit better. I'd make my feelings very clear and see if we can't work on communicating our issues. There's a reason he's doing it, and maybe that can be fixed, or the need met by other things, or maybe it can't, in which case you'll need to reevaluate things. Either you stay together and accept that he's doing it, or you leave.

seansquared

He has some need that isn't being fulfilled and yet instead of talking with you about it (i.e. the right thing) he's going behind your back (i.e. the wrong thing).

Whether or not it's cheating is subjective, but it's certainly not worthy of trust.

Talk with him about it. Figure out what his needs are. See if you can meet them and if he can be truly satisfied and happy with you. Note I am not blaming you at all - this is HIS thing, and he needs to sort it out, but if he won't talk then you need to drag it out of him.

brevislux

I wouldn't call it cheating, but I do find it disrespectful, semi-feminist alert - not to you, but to the women who are paid to flash your guy. I do see it as a bad sign for the future.

Tiggerrick

There are so many issues here:

How did you find out? Were you snooping, or did he tell you? Who's hiding what from whom?

Is the real issue that he had not told you? That they are doing things for him? OR IS IT TRUST?
Bottom line is that when you are with someone for a long time, you want to know that you can TRUST them. Keeping things hidden, lies, (lies by omission) etc, might be the REAL issue.

You are OK with porn. You are OK with strip clubs (where women do stuff for men in real life - lap dances and such, and they pay for it). So, for him, he probably does not see much of a difference.

My suggestion is simple. Open up lines of conversation fully, and withhold immediate judgement. Be clear where you stand, what you find acceptable, and the same for him. Decide if you are OK with his type of behavior or not (do not think you can change him, it will just cause resentment one way of the other). If not, it's time to move on. If you are OK with it, perhaps join him and make it fun for both of you.

Mina133842

I only checked his Facebook in response to this happening. I stumbled across the porn thing.

I didn;t have trust issues. I do now.

the wedding is 11 months away (supposedly) and he has had as many ideas for it and has planned it as much (if not more) than I have. I am not a crazy - weddings / bridezilla type so there is no pressure there.

Ummm... ok.
I have a hard time believing any woman (not just you) that claims she "stumbled" across anything like this. I just think this is a huge flashing neon warning sign for you. Open your eyes girl. .... Please don't tell us that you hope he will change post marriage?!?!

I stumbled across my ex's porn site fetish - he had a user ID and password and website name written on a scrap of paper, and I came home from work a little early and it was left out by the computer keyboard. This then prompted me to actually type in the website, and then look at the history on our computer's browser. I honestly had no idea he was looking it up, and he was totally ticked at me. I put a filter on the computer that wouldn't allow access to any website unless it was G rated. THAT really made him about explode.