Fiance tries to stop me going to Zumba?

sa11yjane

The phrase that jumped out at me was 'he's always like this when I lose weight'......I think that that is the crux of the issue, but obviously I may be totally wrong as I don't know you/him at all. Maybe he's actually worried about you losing weight, maybe he's worried that you're only with him because you think you can't get anyone else and when you lose weight you may have higher self-esteem and leave him? Maybe bringing this up and reassuring him would help? Possibly sell him the health benefits of you being fitter and healthier? If he really loves you then he can't not agree that those benefits are worthwhile. Maybe he's either jealous of your going out, worried that you will meet someone else and/or wanting to keep you at home so that you can take care of his needs. If I am totally wrong then I sincerely apologise, it's just that the comment at the beginning of my posting that I took from yours really spoke volumes to me. Ultimately it is important for you to be able to things independently and if he can't accept this then I think that you really need to think what you want from life. I wish you every success both in your relationship and in your weight loss journey xxx

themommie

You need to seriously talk to him, make it a point to spend time together, even if it is putting the kids to bed and having a nice candlelight dinner the 2 of you, or set up a tent in the backyard and have chocolate covered berries and sparkling apple cider or grapes and talk and look at the stars. Explain to him that going to zumba gives you time to do something that is important to you and makes you feel better so that you can be a better spouse and mom. But work this out before the marriage. I hope it works out

Langlady

Ok, you have posts that are not what you want to hear I am sure. The sad part is, it usually takes someone on the outside to see what is really going on. YOu are very young and trust me you CANNOT change a person. YOu can't do it, They are who they are and it DOES get worse in marriage. Speaking from personal experience here. Same thing. I gained wieght when I first got married and decided to lose wieght. When I wouldn't stop going, he would try to sabotage my departures. Then came the accusations. It's usually the same pattern.
He seems very controlling and trying to use your insecurity to control you. BY taking charge and losing weight you are threatening his control over you. If you are set on making it work, I recommend lots of family counseling and personal counseling for him. The fact that he doesn't even want family to watch your daughter shows that he is trying to be controlling over her too.

I say RUN. Granted you are young enough to get married and then divorced but trust me, divorce and kids is absolutley horrible. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make. If you need to talk you can friend me.

LindaCWy

Prolly cause he doesn't know what Zumba is, or someone convinced him it was a Strippers name... ah... men.

onedayillbeamilf

It kills me how everyone assumes that the OP is innocent and are not concerned about her real motives for wanting to go to Zumba.

You're right. OP, are you wearing perfume and the FDS when you go to Zumba?

mrsnathanandrew

I have a friend that went through this, they got married, had two kids together, she lost 60 lbs, now they are getting a divorce :ohwell:

AmberLee2012

My wife started showering and putting perfume on before going to the gym. I put a stop to that **** quick. Hell no. I bought her a Tae Bo tape to do at home instead.

You really shouldn't put on perfume before you go to the gym, because it can be very strong and for people who have allergies, it's not fun having to breathe that in. However, it sounds like you have trust issues with her. Making her work out at home isn't going to solve that issue in the long run.

vendygirl

Do you really want to marry a man who doesn't like to go out with you? Doesn't want you to go and better yourself? If you like Zumba then you should go.

I would have a serious talk with him to evaluate not only why he doesn't like it when you go out but why he doesn't want you to go exercise.

A spouse should be supportive, even if they find it a tad crazy at times.

And why wouldn't he want you going out with your own mother?

Good Luck.

littlefishtale

I agree with everyone else, if he is that insecure maybe it's time to take a hard look at your relationship. You can't be happy married to a guy that wants to keep you at home like a prisoner.

LauraSmyth28

It's very easy for posters on a forum to say "oh dump him, don't marry him!". The reality is this is only ONE aspect of your relationship. I'm sure your fiance has many good points.

My advice would be do not back down. Do the things you want/need to do and if he has a little sulk or a hissy fit over it IGNORE him. You know you're not doing anything wrong. Him not wanting you to go to zumba or go and see your mother is HIS issue, not yours.

((((hugs)))) you're a lovely lady and I hope it works out xxx

HeealthyMee

It kills me how everyone assumes that the OP is innocent and are not concerned about her real motives for wanting to go to Zumba.

You're right. OP, are you wearing perfume and the FDS when you go to Zumba?

Hah!

GasMasterFlash

It kills me how everyone assumes that the OP is innocent and are not concerned about her real motives for wanting to go to Zumba.

You're right. OP, are you wearing perfume and the FDS when you go to Zumba?

Does your wife do that too? You need to nip it in the bud now.

TheDoctorDana

I'm sorry, but... He sounds like a future ex-husband. I agree that this only gets worse with time, and marriage. Insecure people take a marriage certificate as an agreement that you will put up with their insecurity no matter how bad it gets.

This^^^^ Please listen!

shiseido_faerie

Um, yeah, NOT cool. You've been with him for this long and he can't even bear for you to leave his side to go workout or spend time with your mother?? You say he's always like this when you lose weight. Red flag! Stand up for yourself or it will only get worse!

^^Yes

I'm not going to say dump him, but the control thing is a little concerning, definitely stand up for yourself, address these issues, do the things YOU want to do (they are not unreasonable things!) Please address this before it has a chance to get worse.

elguapo911

It kills me how everyone assumes that the OP is innocent and are not concerned about her real motives for wanting to go to Zumba.

Yeah that's almost as bad as someone who assumes she has other motives. All we can go by is what she said. If she is doing something bad like that then he is stupid for staying with her, he's a douche either way.

wackyfunster

My wife started showering and putting perfume on before going to the gym. I put a stop to that **** quick. Hell no. I bought her a Tae Bo tape to do at home instead.

You really shouldn't put on perfume before you go to the gym, because it can be very strong and for people who have allergies, it's not fun having to breathe that in. However, it sounds like you have trust issues with her. Making her work out at home isn't going to solve that issue in the long run.

Pretty sure he's just trolling.

Jamie2007

Seriously, you better do something about that now!

Sonnie124

Hi I'm getting married in December we've been together 9 years I'd like to have an extra 50lbs off by then including the 25lb I lost. (I've 70lbs to goal )
My fiancé always tries to get me to stay home and not go to Zumba I do it 4 times a week at home and 2 classes but he's like stay home don't go di it here etc , I know he thinks it's a waste of money but I need to go its something for me as I never go 'out'
He's the same when I went for coffee in a cafe with
my mum I was gone 1.5 hours went looking round shops when I got back he was like why you take so long?

We never go out as a couple we've a daughter together and I've 2 from my ex marriage it's his birthday Tuesday he choose to go for a family meal Sunday which is nice but I'd like date nights.

Felling abit sad ...... It always gets like this when I lose weight, well we rarely go out but used to a few years back

Any ideas? I have talked to him he's like No babysitter ... My mum offered !

NOBODY stops me from going to Zumba. Sounds to me that he wants to control you!

defor5050

Hi
Please don't give into him, if you like your Zumba go, you need to mix with people... He sounds controlling to me sorry I shouldn't judge your situation as I don't know you. Your message concerned me
Jackie

defor5050

I am really hoping your comment was a joke

mommyhof3

hey, people, come on. This sounds like a regular insecure guy who just wants his woman around all the time. You have no idea what their relationship is like.

Do you work nine to five?
You have three children, are you a budget friendly family?

Sometimes other factors come into behavior when people act this way. It doesn't neccesarily mean she's in an unhealthy relationship. I would talk to him. See if he just misses time with you, and going out to zumba takes what little time you have together away. Maybe he's jealous that you're going out and he's stuck at home. I would do what others suggested and take walks together and talk. Talking is the best way to work through things. Some times all it takes is a little communication and people feel more secure and happier to let you do your own thing without worrying about things. You know? but they are right, if you don't get into the habit of communicating your feelings together, then things will get worse when you do get married.

Best response so far. Communication is vital in any relationship.

I wonder how many of the 'omg dump him' people are happily married/able to carry on a functional relationship? From the other comments in most of those posts, I'm guessing not many. I don't take advice on how to be healthy and fit from unhealthy people. I definitely wouldn't take advice on relationships from people who are unable to have a healthy one.

The fact that you are posting on an internet message board before you talk with him about this doesn't bode well. Why don't you ask him what specifically is bothering him, and discuss what you can do to make this work for both of you? Don't listen to the "it's all about you!" crowd... they are dysfunctional human beings who will never be able to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. Relationships only work when BOTH people spend more time thinking about the OTHER person in the relationship than they do about themselves.

Also, all the 'it gets worse when you get married' people make me sick. Why did you get married to someone who makes you unhappy? I just don't understand these people.

^^^This. My husband was similar to this. I didn't back down but I did talk to him. He wasn't trying to control me; however, he was concerned that if I lost weight I would find someone else. I reassured him that I loved him and was only doing this for me and that he is the one to reap the benefits. It took some time for him to come around but he did. Now we are doing P90x together. I didn't push him, he just started to see the differences in me. I am doing great! He is doing great! We are doing better than we ever were (17 years together). I couldn't imagine if I would have taken advice like this and left him :brokenheart:

PS: He didn't like me to go out to long when the kids (3 of them) were younger because he felt overwhelmed. He is fine now that the youngest is 7. Do you leave the kids with him when you go out?

sandown12

Thanks for all your replies but overwhelmed

I went to Zumba
Before I went I said if you keep saying don't go & don't go on date nights were not getting married

Got back I asked for real reasons

1. He misses me when I go
2. He likes us to spend time in the evenings together
3.Date nights due to restricted money, we just brought a new business

I'm not leaving him he's got insecurities
I have asked him why before
We have our own business so are together a lot

Leaving someone you love as they are insecure isn't going to sort it out taking the children away and losing our business if we split

I agree we need to do more talking he's said we will go on walks & for drinks alone and talk about it

I wanted to see if anyone else had an unsure partner

I appreciate you all taking the time to reply

Btw I am going to zumba
I don't dump on him
He's said he's scared I'll go off with someone else

x

sobriquet84

I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:

yup. if its bad BEFORE marriage, then think about how bad it'll be AFTER getting married.

pssssst red flag.

MogwaisGrandma

Have date nights at home then. When the weather is better go out into the garden/back and set up the table and chairs. Light a Chiminea ( if you have one) and spend time together there.

I agree dumping him is not what you need to do. You love the guy, he loves you and so you need to work through each issue.

lizziebeth1028

I was married to a 'insecure' aka controlling possessive husband....wasted 12 of my life waiting for him to change. Tears, frustration, fights, sacrificing some of the things I love the most. Guess what....he never changed. I got smart and dumped his *kitten*. I'm in a happy healthy relationship now. My X was not half the man my boyfriend is now!!! Just think....i might have stayed with my X because after all he was only 'insecure'. I'm so glad I got the courage to leave!

Good Luck, I'm glad you 'talked' to him. I hope you realize that it's going to take a lot more than talk to make it work. It's going to take change!

Jugie12

If he's not somebody that encourages you to have a healthy life in whatever way you want to go about having it, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

Exactly.

julieh1973

I have been with my husband 18 years and we were both jealous and insecure in the beginning. Since our relationship has matured well this is my advice:

Time apart brings more to the relationship, if you only talk to him and the kids after a while you are boring, he is bored and you are resentful. Secondly, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, he has to respect your needs and not make you feel guilty for pursuing them- you respect his, reassure and encourage him to do something that he enjoys without you. Absence makes the heart fonder and can also ignite a passion. Positive reinforcement also has its benefits, when he is supportive of you, let him know how much you appreciate him and let him know how sexy his self confidence is when he is not being insecure.

The economy stinks so come up with creative ways to have cheaper dates: kids at babysitter then dinner and movie at home, picnic & a walk in the park, some woman (myself) enjoy dressing up and having somewhere to go - so eat dinner at home then go somewhere nice and split an appetizer and enjoy a couple of drinks, another option is that lunch dates are typically cheaper than dinner dates.

Good luck and if you can not get him to make some progress you seriously should evaluate the relationship before you grow to resent the control.

lmalaschak

This isn't the way a man is supposed to treat his wife. I have a husband who is fabulous, always wants to spend time alone with me and take me on dates, and is always looking for ways to make sure that I am enjoying life. He makes sure to clear his schedule sometimes so that I can go and have an afternoon out or do something with my sister, etc. We both go out of our way to do for each other. Your guy has problems.

lmalaschak

But if you are parents, please find a counselor to talk to for the sake of your child. Go even if he won't go with you. Maybe things will improve!

westdove

Glad you are not married yet....that is the biggest red flag ever, just waving in your face. Wake up!