Fiance tries to stop me going to Zumba?

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  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Don't marry this guy. I'm kinda sad for you because you wasted 9 years with a guy who treats you like this. You may say it's not that bad but deep down you'll know it's a lie.

    I was in a similar situation, but stayed only 2 and a half years (a year too long, as the second year was horrible and stressful as he tried to control everything and didn't let me be myself.

    RED FLAGS are waving at you!

    I don't think we had similar relationships
    I haven't wasted 9 years, he has insecurities I posted this to see if anyone else's partner had similar problems
    If people can't work through relationship downs then they will go from on to another

    We have a beautiful child a business and we have a family unit

    I think today's world is like I'll do as I want if you don't like it I'm
    Leaving hence divorce is high and many men won't marry they're partners

    Yes he needs to sort this out in his own head I've never not gone to Zumba and I still go to coffee with my mum weekly, I go to my friends and out when I like
    He never checks my phone bag pockets. He's odd when I'm out alone as he's insecure but how many people have some flaws?
    I do I'm not perfect bit I'm not leaving a man who I love who's doesn't drink much doesn't gamble who's a good dad good worker is kind never swears helps clean up as he wants me to not go out sometimes
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    From the OPs first post all I heard was she wants to go out. She could do zumba at home but would rather go outand pay to do it. She would like to go on dates with him but as a responsible father he doesnt want to leave their children and two arent even his. She took longer than expected having a coffee and he asked why. Really, no one else would do that? So, if your wife/hubby went to grocery shop, get their hair done or haircut or even workout and took double the time or even 30 minutes over normal you wouldnt ask what happened when they walked through the door? Thats not controlling, atleast when I ask, im just curious.
    Her second post shed a little more light showing that he does have some insecurities about her losing weight which is sad but still pretty typical for a large number of people who have spouses that are working out and getting fit while they do nothing. She also says they are financially frugal, whether by choice or necessity is unknown but they own a business so it makes since that they must be careful since their income comes from one source. He is willing to go on family walks and seems more than willing to communicate and look for solutions to his irrational fears. He seems like he has a little bit low self e steem but other than that a very responsible and caring husband/father. Jeez people judge much. Has no one had insecurities or low self esteem. Sometimes you can be ridiculous and thats where communication should come in, not hey gtfo! Seriously, not every guy is a controlling *kitten*.
    Thankyou..... A grown up.
    I did say I'd be 2 hours when I went for coffee as we shop after he was busy so probably didn't hear.
    My other 2 children aren't young 17 & 13 so that's why I go as they don't need child are as our daughter does.
    Thanks though I appreciate your response.
  • Squeeee
    Squeeee Posts: 71
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    Keep doing whatever keeps you sane/happy. I'm not going to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon, but I will say that you shouldn't get married until the two of you have resolved this problem. If his insecurities are keeping him from being able to support you in your quest for better health, then it would be a good idea for him to seek counseling. In fact, you should probably go to couple's counseling as well. You may find that the two of you will be unable to find a balance in your relationship and realize that you're not a good match - but it's up to you and you alone (with the guidance of a counselor) to make that assessment, not an internet forum.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Keep doing whatever keeps you sane/happy. I'm not going to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon, but I will say that you shouldn't get married until the two of you have resolved this problem. If his insecurities are keeping him from being able to support you in your quest for better health, then it would be a good idea for him to seek counseling. In fact, you should probably go to couple's counseling as well. You may find that the two of you will be unable to find a balance in your relationship and realize that you're not a good match - but it's up to you and you alone (with the guidance of a counselor) to make that assessment, not an internet forum.
    CounsellIng I've had counselling in the past with 2 different counsellors due to my fathers problems personally it was rubbish
    9 years together is a long relationship of it was do bad I'd been gone years ago he only gets like this when I lose weight, it's simple he's insecure. Thanks
  • LynC33
    LynC33 Posts: 196
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    Sorry to say but this actually scares me. He sounds waaaay too possesive and controlling. If he loves you, he should want you to feel confident in yourself and support you in whatever gets you there. I agree that it will only get worse once you're married.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Sorry to say but this actually scares me. He sounds waaaay too possesive and controlling. If he loves you, he should want you to feel confident in yourself and support you in whatever gets you there. I agree that it will only get worse once you're married.

    After 9 years together if it was going to get worse it would of
    As I said he's only like this when I lose weight
  • LynC33
    LynC33 Posts: 196
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    RED FLAGS are waving at you!
    [/quote]

    He needs to deal with his insecurities, not take them out on you, thats not fair on you. You can be supportive but you cant fix him and he cant make you think that his insecurities will go away if you stay home, thats emotional blackmail!
  • Mymy101
    Mymy101 Posts: 23 Member
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    Sorry to be so blunt, but my advice is DUMP HIM FAST!!!!! He's a controlling, insecure idiot, and you and your kids don't need such a person in your lives!!! You only have one life, and you shouldn't waste it on this man.
  • Janet39
    Janet39 Posts: 280 Member
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    Tell him women who exercise, have a higher sex drive!

    That should do it, lol.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Sorry to be so blunt, but my advice is DUMP HIM FAST!!!!! He's a controlling, insecure idiot, and you and your kids don't need such a person in your lives!!! You only have one life, and you shouldn't waste it on this man.

    Sorry to be blunt did you read

    HE'S ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT

    Why would you tell a person to leave the person they love & have a family with as he's insecure when they lose weight?
  • Chubbyhulagirl
    Chubbyhulagirl Posts: 374 Member
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    Thankyou..... A grown up.
    I did say I'd be 2 hours when I went for coffee as we shop after he was busy so probably didn't hear.
    My other 2 children aren't young 17 & 13 so that's why I go as they don't need child are as our daughter does.
    Thanks though I appreciate your response.

    Ah, I see. Only one young child who will need a sitter and he doesnt trust anyone just yet to watch her.
    I understand. My fiance and I have been together 9.5 years, own a business together, have three young children (8, 2 and 10 months) and used to have a similar situation about a year ago except opposite spouses. I was the insecure one. Lol.
    BUT, it was because my last two pregnancies were back to back, I gained almost 75lbs over both (at 5'1 I looked like a beast), my fiance is a health freak that cannot gain an ounce even if he tried. Many people have told me he looks just like Bruce Lee. :)
    I had to realize that if I didnt do anything for myself, I would always feel insecure . So I started working out and looking forward to our wedding, realizing how lucky he is to have me in ways besides my body fat % and now 21lbs later the insecurites are completely gone. Guess what, when I was going psycho, my fiance didnt say hey, the hell with you, controlling biotch. He said I had nothing to worry about, that I was beautiful to him no matter what, that he is in it for the long haul and Id never have to worry about him sneaking around behind my back. We talked about how I felt, why I felt that way and what I needed to do to stop those feelings. Thats a real adult relationship. Yes, some people are screwed up and cant be fixed but dont be so quick to judge. Sometimes, there are extenuating circumstances and some loving understanding is the order of the day.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Thankyou..... A grown up.
    I did say I'd be 2 hours when I went for coffee as we shop after he was busy so probably didn't hear.
    My other 2 children aren't young 17 & 13 so that's why I go as they don't need child are as our daughter does.
    Thanks though I appreciate your response.

    Ah, I see. Only one young child who will need a sitter and he doesnt trust anyone just yet to watch her.
    I understand. My fiance and I have been together 9.5 years, own a business together, have three young children (8, 2 and 10 months) and used to have a similar situation about a year ago except opposite spouses. I was the insecure one. Lol.
    BUT, it was because my last two pregnancies were back to back, I gained almost 75lbs over both (at 5'1 I looked like a beast), my fiance is a health freak that cannot gain an ounce even if he tried. Many people have told me he looks just like Bruce Lee. :)
    I had to realize that if I didnt do anything for myself, I would always feel insecure . So I started working out and looking forward to our wedding, realizing how lucky he is to have me in ways besides my body fat % and now 21lbs later the insecurites are completely gone. Guess what, when I was going psycho, my fiance didnt say hey, the hell with you, controlling biotch. He said I had nothing to worry about, that I was beautiful to him no matter what, that he is in it for the long haul and Id never have to worry about him sneaking around behind my back. We talked about how I felt, why I felt that way and what I needed to do to stop those feelings. Thats a real adult relationship. Yes, some people are screwed up and cant be fixed but dont be so quick to judge. Sometimes, there are extenuating circumstances and some loving understanding is the order of the day.
    Thankyou his first love cheated on him and his ex before me did also
    I'm annoyed at the run for it from people who haven't experience life
    I'm 42 I know abusive relationships this isn't that it's insecurity
  • LynC33
    LynC33 Posts: 196
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    Sounds like in order for him to be happy, you need to be overweight and miserable..... hmmmmmmmm
  • LynC33
    LynC33 Posts: 196
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    Its terrible that his exes did that to him, but after 9 years together, does he not know that you are not them and that he can trust you??? Geez
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Its terrible that his exes did that to him, but after 9 years together, does he not know that you are not them and that he can trust you??? Geez

    I suppose not sadly
    I see lots of men stare at me now so he must see it too , I think he feels like when I'm fatter no one wants me which he doesn't realise is untrue.
    I'm going to get to goal stay there and he will have to see I'm not going anywhere
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:
    i havent read all the responses so i dont know if this has been mentioned or not.

    i dont know your situation but i think one thing to think about is sometimes, some men - especially ones who have esteem issues - will try to sabotage your weight loss efforts because they think if you lose weight you'll be able to find someone better than them.

    my last boyfriend was like that and i dumped him, but that was mainly because i had no reason to try and help him get over his issues. since you have a kid together and are looking to build a life with this man, my advice would be to talk to him about his feelings. maybe assure him that your weight loss is more about health than trying to trade up on a relationship.

    good luck! :flowerforyou:
  • LynC33
    LynC33 Posts: 196
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    Men will look at you because you're beautiful, and he should be proud of that and feel totally lucky. And know in his heart of hearts that if you wanted to leave, you would have by now. Good luck with your goal :-)
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:
    i havent read all the responses so i dont know if this has been mentioned or not.

    i dont know your situation but i think one thing to think about is sometimes, some men - especially ones who have esteem issues - will try to sabotage your weight loss efforts because they think if you lose weight you'll be able to find someone better than them.

    my last boyfriend was like that and i dumped him, but that was mainly because i had no reason to try and help him get over his issues. since you have a kid together and are looking to build a life with this man, my advice would be to talk to him about his feelings. maybe assure him that your weight loss is more about health than trying to trade up on a relationship.

    good luck! :flowerforyou:

    There's rather a lot of telling me to run
    I've told him, he's been cheated on so insecure not by me , he will get used to it as its what I enjoy going to Zumba makes me happy
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Men will look at you because you're beautiful, and he should be proud of that and feel totally lucky. And know in his heart of hearts that if you wanted to leave, you would have by now. Good luck with your goal :-)

    Thanks that was really nice
    Your beautiful too & Thankyou x
  • LynC33
    LynC33 Posts: 196
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    Men will look at you because you're beautiful, and he should be proud of that and feel totally lucky. And know in his heart of hearts that if you wanted to leave, you would have by now. Good luck with your goal :-)

    Thanks that was really nice
    Your beautiful too & Thankyou x

    You're welcome :-) Thanks
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