Fiance tries to stop me going to Zumba?
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i havent read all the responses so i dont know if this has been mentioned or not.I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:
i dont know your situation but i think one thing to think about is sometimes, some men - especially ones who have esteem issues - will try to sabotage your weight loss efforts because they think if you lose weight you'll be able to find someone better than them.
my last boyfriend was like that and i dumped him, but that was mainly because i had no reason to try and help him get over his issues. since you have a kid together and are looking to build a life with this man, my advice would be to talk to him about his feelings. maybe assure him that your weight loss is more about health than trying to trade up on a relationship.
good luck! :flowerforyou:
There's rather a lot of telling me to run
I've told him, he's been cheated on so insecure not by me , he will get used to it as its what I enjoy going to Zumba makes me happy
can you invite him to go with you?
i think it depends on how much work you're willing to help him through his insecurities. i'm sure it can be tiring but if you love him maybe you can let him know that you'll help him get over his issues but he has to also help by wanting to get over his issues.
of course, if he isnt willing to let those things go, then you really have to decide how much you can put up with because i can tell you these things will get worse once you've lost the weight and turn more heads..0 -
My daughters boyfriend is insecure like that. At one point she left him cause of it. They have a baby now. She finally decided that was a small part of his personality. She could learn to deal with it or stay away. She has learned how to handle him and they are doing great.0
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i havent read all the responses so i dont know if this has been mentioned or not.I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:
i dont know your situation but i think one thing to think about is sometimes, some men - especially ones who have esteem issues - will try to sabotage your weight loss efforts because they think if you lose weight you'll be able to find someone better than them.
my last boyfriend was like that and i dumped him, but that was mainly because i had no reason to try and help him get over his issues. since you have a kid together and are looking to build a life with this man, my advice would be to talk to him about his feelings. maybe assure him that your weight loss is more about health than trying to trade up on a relationship.
good luck! :flowerforyou:
There's rather a lot of telling me to run
I've told him, he's been cheated on so insecure not by me , he will get used to it as its what I enjoy going to Zumba makes me happy
can you invite him to go with you?
i think it depends on how much work you're willing to help him through his insecurities. i'm sure it can be tiring but if you love him maybe you can let him know that you'll help him get over his issues but he has to also help by wanting to get over his issues.
of course, if he isnt willing to let those things go, then you really have to decide how much you can put up with because i can tell you these things will get worse once you've lost the weight and turn more heads..
Yes I've asked many times...... He won't go
I have told him I'm not going anywhere I was 33 when we meet more attractive then , I've talked it through he had a history of cheating with exs or lots of 3 month relationships that he'd always end first or relationships that we're sex based seeing his emotions are scaring him now, his first live cheated then left him he was 21 after that it was unattached emotionally relationships for 14 years we meet and I was slimmer younger etc at our 3 month anniversary he was close to ending it without saying we stayed together and I got bigger then yoyoed then in 2010 I discovered Zumba I had a knee injury stopped Zumba gained some lbs restarted this year
I've still 70lbs to lose so am still overweight but I've toned up for my size and as I get smaller he will struggle but hell get used to me smaller again
I'm here 9 years on never cheated so all I can do is alienate his fears0 -
The guy has definately got control issues.
You may never find out why but all I can say is you will never please him or make him feel more secure as things are now, you're only playing into his insecurities if you continue to react to his interogations by giving in or arguing. After 9 years you should know that this is not working, regardless of his past problems with fidelity.
It will be difficult but you have to take a stand and say "I love doing this and I want your support but if you can't give it I'm sorry but I am continuing to do it." He will at first pitch a fit to make you feel bad but I'm telling you eventually he will give in if you don't react. You must take steps to change his behaviour or you will have a miserable life together.0 -
The guy has definately got control issues.
You may never find out why but all I can say is you will never please him or make him feel more secure as things are now, you're only playing into his insecurities if you continue to react to his interogations by giving in or arguing. After 9 years you should know that this is not working, regardless of his past problems with fidelity.
It will be difficult but you have to take a stand and say "I love doing this and I want your support but if you can't give it I'm sorry but I am continuing to do it." He will at first pitch a fit to make you feel bad but I'm telling you eventually he will give in if you don't react. You must take steps to change his behaviour or you will have a miserable life together.
I have said I do say this & I always go tantrum or not, he goes off for a few hours it's good as time apart helps us grow
I would never not go to please him and never have.0 -
It's amazing the amount of people that STILL continue to say leave.
Jesus Christ....it's called working it out. You just don't give up on the person you're with because of one friggen thing. Especially after 9 years!
I was recently divorced, married for 10 years (almost 11), and am now engaged to the woman of my dreams. Shes absolutely beautiful, the most beautiful woman I've been with (she's on this site we met here). Am I insecure about how good she looks, and about other people looking at her? YES. Is it something I'm dealing with...YES. Does that mean she should leave me...no!
Look, he's not telling her to stay fat and un-happy, and doesn't sound like he's blaming the OP for anything, and it doesn't even sound like he is putting his foot down and crying like a 12 year old about her going....he's just saying he's not happy about it....and they are having a discussion....you know...like ADULTS DO!! Apparently 90% of the people on this forum haven't had an adult relationship. If you have had one, you know that giving up on someone over one goddamn thing is the most immature way to handle it.0 -
It sounds to me like maybe you dont have his full attention when you are talking about what bothers you.
Tell him you want to call the whole thing off and you are moving out, etc... something huge like that.
When he starts asking you why, why, why.
THEN tell him what it is thats bothering you.
But make sure you have it all straight in your mind first so you dont forget anything.
Who knows when he'll be paying that much attention again.....0 -
He sounds controlling to me. Tell him how you feel about how he is acting. You should do what you want with hanging out with your mom or going to zumba without getting questioned every time from him. He shouldn't treat you like he's interrogating you because he's not the police and you didn't do anything wrong.0
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Please don't take this so personally - not everyone reads all the replies and sometimes when I take a few minutes to thoughtfully type out something, by the time it gets done, 5 new replies have been posted.It's amazing the amount of people that STILL continue to say leave.0 -
Just an idea, but maybe tell him to have a night out with the guys, and maybe that way he would have people over when you leave it something. My brothers wife is always going on business trips, he just invites me over for some baseball video game (I know...I know....it sounds kinda strange right? But ever since we were younger we used to play baseball video games against each other and get super competitive! And it may be a ps3 now and not a super Nintendo but it feels the same way almost lol) or we watch sports, fix up his car....pretty much every guy thing you can think of lol0
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I have not read all the responses, Just clarifying
I think it will be difficult for you since the issue resides in him, not you. You have done nothing wrong, as far as we know
If he's insecure, it's something that he will need to get over himself.
When you are with him, do you try to show him how much you love him? Pay sexy time attention to him, hug and kiss him for no apparent reason other than you want to. Leave him little messages, that sort of thing. Help build his confidence so he knows you love him and there is no way in heck you would want to leave him, even when you lose all the weight and you are even more hot than you are now.0 -
I know you won't listen, but RUN is the best advice. It DOES get worse after marriage. If you can't get yourself free, then at least don't marry the guy. It makes getting away all the harder. Good luck. You're okay, he isn't. Even if he loves you, sometimes being loved by someone ISN"T a good thing. Run little girl, while you can.0
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It sounds to me like he just wants to spend more quality time with you. I know if my husband were working out without me 4x per week and going to classes 2x per week after spending all day apart at jobs and spending all of our 'together' time parenting, I'd be a bit whiny too. Maybe book a babysitter for every Saturday night & go on a date! See if one or two of your solo workouts could be changed to an activity you'd enjoy doing together.
I agree with some of the previous posters that these issues won't simply resolve themselves when you get married - it's in everybody's best interest to see if you can find a compromise that leaves everyone satisfied now.0 -
trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:
Maybe he is insecure about your weight loss. You need to let him know you are serious about this and that it is a lifestyle change. Anyone who truly loves you will always want what is best for you and always have your back. Also DONT give in to "stay home" If your mom said she will watch em then have at it. If he gets upset talk to him about it but dont compromise on being healthy
Good luck 0 -
It kills me how everyone assumes that the OP is innocent and are not concerned about her real motives for wanting to go to Zumba.
What??? Wow. I have a Zumba DVD at home that I never do. I go to a Zumba class a couple times a week because I enjoy the loud music, the instructor yelling at me, and I work much harder. I sweat twice as much there than at home. There's my ulterior motive. What a bad girl! Crazy. I'm not saying ditch the guy now, but I am saying these are serious red flags that ought to be addressed before marriage. Good luck to you, OP, and i hope you have some heart-to-heart talks with your fiance.0 -
It kills me how everyone assumes that the OP is innocent and are not concerned about her real motives for wanting to go to Zumba.
It kills me how you're assuming that she's guilty and is looking for validation to cheat on her fiance, just because you suspected that of your own partner.
My own opinion is that her concerns are best handled with a competent therapist in the room. Nobody here has enough information about either side (hers or his) to give advice that she should take.0 -
My SO tried to stop me last week I look at him and was like really I need my outside of home workout I'm going. I try to go 2 days a week and yes sometimes at night so I can be children free as I am a stay at home mom I leave the kids asleep. I also go to the grocery store by myself because it helps me and it's really the only freedom I get due to money and kids situation. Talk to him how this is important to you. My bf understands and sometimes need a reminder like when i start getting grouchy he'll ask if I have any friends or a Zumba class to go to sometimes he'll literally kick me out the door and I go have a cup of coffee or just get something's done and those days he doesn't care how long I'm out.0
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Here is a new idea....TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.0
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Best response so far. Communication is vital in any relationship.hey, people, come on. This sounds like a regular insecure guy who just wants his woman around all the time. You have no idea what their relationship is like.
Do you work nine to five?
You have three children, are you a budget friendly family?
Sometimes other factors come into behavior when people act this way. It doesn't neccesarily mean she's in an unhealthy relationship. I would talk to him. See if he just misses time with you, and going out to zumba takes what little time you have together away. Maybe he's jealous that you're going out and he's stuck at home. I would do what others suggested and take walks together and talk. Talking is the best way to work through things. Some times all it takes is a little communication and people feel more secure and happier to let you do your own thing without worrying about things. You know? but they are right, if you don't get into the habit of communicating your feelings together, then things will get worse when you do get married.
I wonder how many of the 'omg dump him' people are happily married/able to carry on a functional relationship? From the other comments in most of those posts, I'm guessing not many. I don't take advice on how to be healthy and fit from unhealthy people. I definitely wouldn't take advice on relationships from people who are unable to have a healthy one.
The fact that you are posting on an internet message board before you talk with him about this doesn't bode well. Why don't you ask him what specifically is bothering him, and discuss what you can do to make this work for both of you? Don't listen to the "it's all about you!" crowd... they are dysfunctional human beings who will never be able to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. Relationships only work when BOTH people spend more time thinking about the OTHER person in the relationship than they do about themselves.
Also, all the 'it gets worse when you get married' people make me sick. Why did you get married to someone who makes you unhappy? I just don't understand these people.
I agree with the above. They have been together 9 years. They have a child together. I am sure if he had "chains in his basement" they would have been noticed already. A mother with 3 children cannot as easily "justr turn and run" and whatever. Advising somebody to leave their partner based on a couple of sentenses on a forum (when we are not talking about abuse or something of the sort) can be a bit rushed IMO. Communication is a key in every relationship and yes many people are insecure but that doesn't mean they do not deserve to be in a loving relationship. If that is the case it is even more important to communicate! Also we don't know what the reasons of the OP partner are for wanting her not to go out... could it be that he cannot manage with the three chidlren at home when she isn't around? It could be a number of other reasons than him being too controlling.0 -
I dont have any good advice, but trust me it will only get worse once you are married. :huh:
What should be said is don't marry the guy because if you aren't happy now, you REALLY won't be happy later.0 -
eh good luck with the marriage? :huh:0
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Living with a controlling person leads to a bad relationship!!! If you still want to get married consider pre martial counseling!!!0
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I agree with everyone else. This is only going to get worse. If it were me: I wouldn't be marrying him until he can stop being so insecure and let you be you. You don't have to stick up under him 24/7. He has some deep underlying issues that need to be address before you guys tie the not!0
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You need better support from a mate than what he is providing.0
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Sit him down and have a serious discussion. Let him explain to you exactly why he doesn't want you going to Zumba or why he seems to hound you about where you've been or the time it took. Basically let him tell his side of things, why he says no to some things, yes to others, decides on things with or without you, etc. The whole time do nothing but listen. If you get mad, tell him plainly that you would like to discuss this as these are important issues, but you want to do it without anger and then excuse yourself. When you're calm, whether that takes a few minutes or a few days, sit back down again and discuss your side. Do not accuse, point fingers, play the blame game or anything, simply let him know how you feel.
The point is, you have to communicate with him and do it effectively instead of being passive aggressive about what he does/says or letting him get mad at you for things you know are not a big deal or could be easily handled. If you two can't do that by yourselves, get a couple's counselor to mediate and put you both in a neutral territory where you can talk there, get emotional there, and then LEAVE it there and not carry it home.
Unless you're both making equal effort to effectively understand one another's views then yes your marriage may not last. You obviously see something in him worth marrying and he sees something in you worth marrying. It's the bad habits, the different views, and general relationship kinks you have to work out so you can keep seeing that reason or you can see that said reason isn't strong enough and go ahead and leave and have a valid reason to aside from simple lack of effective communication.0 -
It's amazing the amount of people that STILL continue to say leave.
Jesus Christ....it's called working it out. You just don't give up on the person you're with because of one friggen thing. Especially after 9 years!
I was recently divorced, married for 10 years (almost 11), and am now engaged to the woman of my dreams. Shes absolutely beautiful, the most beautiful woman I've been with (she's on this site we met here). Am I insecure about how good she looks, and about other people looking at her? YES. Is it something I'm dealing with...YES. Does that mean she should leave me...no!
Look, he's not telling her to stay fat and un-happy, and doesn't sound like he's blaming the OP for anything, and it doesn't even sound like he is putting his foot down and crying like a 12 year old about her going....he's just saying he's not happy about it....and they are having a discussion....you know...like ADULTS DO!! Apparently 90% of the people on this forum haven't had an adult relationship. If you have had one, you know that giving up on someone over one goddamn thing is the most immature way to handle it.
This ^0 -
Love and Respect. Can you say you love him, can he say he loves you? Can you say you respect him brings a whole different meaning to him and you. No win situation here. Someone is not going to be happy.0
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I think if you are going to reply then its best if you read all my responses
I HAVE TALKED TO HIM
HE TOLD ME HE MISSES ME
HES ONLY LIKE THIS WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT
IM NOT CHEATING OR LYING IM GOING TO ZUMBA AS ITS GOOD FOR ME
I DONT LET HIM TELL ME WHAT TO DO,I GO AHEAD AND DO IT
WE HAVE TALKED I EXPLAINED THIS
I CAME ON HERE TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD SIMILAR EXPERANCES
WHY WOULD I LEAVE A GUY FOR INSECURITY
WE HAVE SPENT 9 YEARS TOGETHER MARRIAGE WONT MAKE IT WORSE I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS TO ANOTHER GUY MARRIAGE DOESNT CHANGE A PERSON?
If you had read my responses you would of known what was wrong,he misses me and is insecure as I lose more weight Ive reassured him I love and we spend everyday together we are self employes
Thanks though appreciate you telling me to leave and split my family up as he had issues of losing me NOT0 -
I am not purposely being negative....but I would run as far away as I possibly could. He is a control freak, I had the same type of smothering relationship......THATS HORRIBLE FOR YOUR SELF ESTEEM. To be asked why you took an hour and a half with your Mother.....OMG he is very insecure for whatever reason. Someone that was loving and suportive of you WOULD WANT YOU TO BE WHO YOU ARE, THEY WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY, not keeping you inside all the time and discouraging you from having any interests outside the home......SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. :noway:0
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