Survey time: Should a guy pay on a first date?
Replies
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I am curious, for those who believe a man just should pay for dates... does that still stand if the woman earns significantly more than the man? Or would you not date someone way more successful than yourself anyway?
I ask because I am genuinely curious, this concept is honestly so strange to me.
I've been in that position before.
Let me put it this way.
Unless I was broke (in school, dealing with financial issues, etc)...I would still pay. If she wanted to show financial appreciation in any of a million other ways, that would be ok (if she surprises me with travel and lodging tickets to Europe...fine, but I'm paying for our food and activities damnit!)...but when it comes to our time out together, I feel that's my responsibility.
Once the relationship becomes more permanent, those things sort of fall by the wayside anyhow.
Also, her level of success isn't relevant to whether I would date her or not. She could live at home with her parents at 31, or be a successful executive in a fortune 500 company at 25. It doesn't matter to me, as long as she makes the effort to put our relationship first.
That is interesting... I am seeing that maybe the whole 'man paying' thing isn't really about money at all...
It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.0 -
It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.
I think the a lot of girls don't realize how simple guys make most things. After growing up with so many brothers I learned that guys just like to do certain things because it makes them feel manly. So that could be paying for a date, carrying 10 grocery bags in one arm just to say they did it, smelling your farts, etc etc. The list goes on :laugh:
I think only women complicate dating things. For example, I've never seen a guy waiting by his phone after a date going "omg omg I hope she calls me soon!!"0 -
It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.
I think the a lot of girls don't realize how simple guys make most things. After growing up with so many brothers I learned that guys just like to do certain things because it makes them feel manly. So that could be paying for a date, carrying 10 grocery bags in one arm just to say they did it, smelling your farts, etc etc. The list goes on :laugh:
I think only women complicate dating things. For example, I've never seen a guy waiting by his phone after a date going "omg omg I hope she calls me soon!!"
Amen lol.
You hit the nail on the head on all points (other than I don't think I've intentionally ever tried to smell a fart lol).
But I think you'd be surprised at the internal (or sometimes not so internal...depending on our surroundings) 'YES!!!' we give when we get an unexpected call or text from the girl we're interested in after an awesome date.
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I am curious, for those who believe a man just should pay for dates... does that still stand if the woman earns significantly more than the man? Or would you not date someone way more successful than yourself anyway?
I ask because I am genuinely curious, this concept is honestly so strange to me.
I've been in that position before.
Let me put it this way.
Unless I was broke (in school, dealing with financial issues, etc)...I would still pay. If she wanted to show financial appreciation in any of a million other ways, that would be ok (if she surprises me with travel and lodging tickets to Europe...fine, but I'm paying for our food and activities damnit!)...but when it comes to our time out together, I feel that's my responsibility.
Once the relationship becomes more permanent, those things sort of fall by the wayside anyhow.
Also, her level of success isn't relevant to whether I would date her or not. She could live at home with her parents at 31, or be a successful executive in a fortune 500 company at 25. It doesn't matter to me, as long as she makes the effort to put our relationship first.
That is interesting... I am seeing that maybe the whole 'man paying' thing isn't really about money at all...
It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.
After reading many of these responses, I have been sitting here thinking about how I honestly would react on a first date if a guy insisted on paying. I thought it would be a weird dealbreaker, however I am now thinking its not that simple. I think in reality, by the end of the date I would have worked out whether I like this guy. His attitude towards women would be a big part of whether I like him or not and this will likely shine through during the date. So if, like you sound, he is a nice guy who respects women, but feels like he should pay for dinner as a nice gentlemanly gesture... then I'd probably go along with it. If he was generally a chauvainst pig, then... maybe I'd order something super super expensive and still make him pay.0 -
I think it depends on who initiated the invitation. If I asked a man out, then I would expect to pay. If he asks me....then he can pay.0
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It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.
I think the a lot of girls don't realize how simple guys make most things. After growing up with so many brothers I learned that guys just like to do certain things because it makes them feel manly. So that could be paying for a date, carrying 10 grocery bags in one arm just to say they did it, smelling your farts, etc etc. The list goes on :laugh:
I think only women complicate dating things. For example, I've never seen a guy waiting by his phone after a date going "omg omg I hope she calls me soon!!"
Amen lol.
You hit the nail on the head on all points (other than I don't think I've intentionally ever tried to smell a fart lol).
But I think you'd be surprised at the internal (or sometimes not so internal...depending on our surroundings) 'YES!!!' we give when we get an unexpected call or text from the girl we're interested in after an awesome date.
LOL I've definitely seen my brothers have "farting contests" like it was the greatest thing ever. Right when i was ready to blame it on their youth, my dad joined in. Sadly, I've been "dutch oven-ed" by pretty much every bf too lol so I always thought farting was just one of those things for guys. :sick:0 -
After reading many of these responses, I have been sitting here thinking about how I honestly would react on a first date if a guy insisted on paying. I thought it would be a weird dealbreaker, however I am now thinking its not that simple. I think in reality, by the end of the date I would have worked out whether I like this guy. His attitude towards women would be a big part of whether I like him or not and this will likely shine through during the date. So if, like you sound, he is a nice guy who respects women, but feels like he should pay for dinner as a nice gentlemanly gesture... then I'd probably go along with it. If he was generally a chauvainst pig, then... maybe I'd order something super super expensive and still make him pay.
I'm glad I could help you understand my position a bit more. And by the way, if the guys an *kitten*...he DESERVES you to stick him with a huge bill.
It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.
I think the a lot of girls don't realize how simple guys make most things. After growing up with so many brothers I learned that guys just like to do certain things because it makes them feel manly. So that could be paying for a date, carrying 10 grocery bags in one arm just to say they did it, smelling your farts, etc etc. The list goes on :laugh:
I think only women complicate dating things. For example, I've never seen a guy waiting by his phone after a date going "omg omg I hope she calls me soon!!"
Amen lol.
You hit the nail on the head on all points (other than I don't think I've intentionally ever tried to smell a fart lol).
But I think you'd be surprised at the internal (or sometimes not so internal...depending on our surroundings) 'YES!!!' we give when we get an unexpected call or text from the girl we're interested in after an awesome date.
LOL I've definitely seen my brothers have "farting contests" like it was the greatest thing ever. Right when i was ready to blame it on their youth, my dad joined in. Sadly, I've been "dutch oven-ed" by pretty much every bf too lol so I always thought farting was just one of those things for guys. :sick:
Hey now...I said I have never intentionally smelled a fart!
Making you do it...can be all sorts of fun lol.
Besides, wrestling (and I know if I did that, we'd end up wrestling lol), always leads to more entertaining things for both of us. On top of that, you get to complain and tell stories to all your friends what a typical male *kitten* I am, while I'm busy blowing things up in the garage.
Win/win!
Anyhow ladies, off to the gym. Hopefully we'll continue this surprisingly productive discussion later 0 -
I don't know about "should"; whatever works for other people is their business, but personally I won't and never have let a guy pay. The way I see it, I expect a man to treat me as an equal, so I need to behave like one by paying my own share - otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage by trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That's just my personal take, though, like I said, I don't think it's "wrong" or anything if other people prefer to do it differently.0
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I don't know about "should"; whatever works for other people is their business, but personally I won't and never have let a guy pay. The way I see it, I expect a man to treat me as an equal, so I need to behave like one by paying my own share - otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage by trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That's just my personal take, though, like I said, I don't think it's "wrong" or anything if other people prefer to do it differently.
Ahh, this is where it's going to get interesting, and please don't take this as an attack against you, because it isn't. Your post is simply what brought it to mind.
I was called out directly more than once, citing my behavior in wanting to pay for dates as 'controlling' and based on my 'insecurity' as a man.
Here's the thing...isn't the behavior where you absolutely HAVE to DEMAND equal treatment in EVERY situation...just so it's clear you're an equal...a mask of insecurity as well? Doesn't giving actually prove that you are an equal with far more effect than stomping your foot and demanding to be treated as one? I mean, if I know I'm equal...it hurts me not at all to give...even to give often and deeply. That giving takes NOTHING from who I am, nor our respective equality.
If you know you're an equal...and you ARE an equal...what's the big deal about giving, and in the process, receiving?0 -
It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.
I think the a lot of girls don't realize how simple guys make most things. After growing up with so many brothers I learned that guys just like to do certain things because it makes them feel manly. So that could be paying for a date, carrying 10 grocery bags in one arm just to say they did it, smelling your farts, etc etc. The list goes on :laugh:
I think only women complicate dating things. For example, I've never seen a guy waiting by his phone after a date going "omg omg I hope she calls me soon!!"
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How does a woman paying for a date or part of one complicate things? Its very simple LOL. The only complication is coming from men that take it as some assault against their masculinity instead of what it really is, a person just paying for their portion or paying for the date if she was the one who asked the date.0 -
It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.
I think the a lot of girls don't realize how simple guys make most things. After growing up with so many brothers I learned that guys just like to do certain things because it makes them feel manly. So that could be paying for a date, carrying 10 grocery bags in one arm just to say they did it, smelling your farts, etc etc. The list goes on :laugh:
I think only women complicate dating things. For example, I've never seen a guy waiting by his phone after a date going "omg omg I hope she calls me soon!!"
.
How does a woman paying for a date or part of one complicate things? Its very simple LOL. The only complication is coming from men that take it as some assault against their masculinity instead of what it really is, a person just paying for their portion or paying for the date if she was the one who asked the date.
Here, let me fix that for you:The only complication is coming from women that take it as some assault against their equality instead of what it really is, a person just paying for both portions of the date to show appreciation for the gift of her company.
There, now we have both perspectives.0 -
How does a woman paying for a date or part of one complicate things? Its very simple LOL. The only complication is coming from men that take it as some assault against their masculinity instead of what it really is, a person just paying for their portion or paying for the date if she was the one who asked the date.
I was more so referring to the women saying it was a control thing. I highly doubt any guy is thinking that far.0 -
It never was. And it's not about 'control' either as some people seem to have assumed.
I guess it's not something simple or logical...and surely stems from a different time, when women didn't support themselves and men were the sole providers.
That doesn't make it wrong, or even irrelevant in todays culture...which is sadly lacking in respect, communication, and genuine caring between our genders. To me, these things...and the actions that promote them, should be perpetuated, not belittled.
I think the a lot of girls don't realize how simple guys make most things. After growing up with so many brothers I learned that guys just like to do certain things because it makes them feel manly. So that could be paying for a date, carrying 10 grocery bags in one arm just to say they did it, smelling your farts, etc etc. The list goes on :laugh:
I think only women complicate dating things. For example, I've never seen a guy waiting by his phone after a date going "omg omg I hope she calls me soon!!"
.
How does a woman paying for a date or part of one complicate things? Its very simple LOL. The only complication is coming from men that take it as some assault against their masculinity instead of what it really is, a person just paying for their portion or paying for the date if she was the one who asked the date.
Here, let me fix that for you:The only complication is coming from women that take it as some assault against their equality instead of what it really is, a person just paying for both portions of the date to show appreciation for the gift of her company.
There, now we have both perspectives.
Actually, I haven't seen any woman say to NEVER let a man pay. I thought I had an understanding but reading more of your post you have proven my point. If a guy is that uptight about a date then who knows what else he'll be uptight about so I see to weed them out 0 -
^I don't know about "should"; whatever works for other people is their business, but personally I won't and never have let a guy pay. The way I see it, I expect a man to treat me as an equal, so I need to behave like one by paying my own share - otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage by trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That's just my personal take, though, like I said, I don't think it's "wrong" or anything if other people prefer to do it differently.
This girl said she never let a guy pay0 -
Actually, I haven't seen any woman say to NEVER let a man pay. I thought I had an understanding but reading more of your post you have proven my point. If a guy is that uptight about a date then who knows what else he'll be uptight about so I see to weed them out
Actually, there's been no small number that have said that. Here's the most recent.I don't know about "should"; whatever works for other people is their business, but personally I won't and never have let a guy pay. The way I see it, I expect a man to treat me as an equal, so I need to behave like one by paying my own share - otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage by trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That's just my personal take, though, like I said, I don't think it's "wrong" or anything if other people prefer to do it differently.
And on top of that...I can, and have said the same thing. If a woman is so uptight that she can't accept such a small gift of appreciation for her company, she's surely not going to comprehend all of the other things I do, happily...to show my appreciation.0 -
Actually, I haven't seen any woman say to NEVER let a man pay. I thought I had an understanding but reading more of your post you have proven my point. If a guy is that uptight about a date then who knows what else he'll be uptight about so I see to weed them out
Actually, there's been no small number that have said that. Here's the most recent.I don't know about "should"; whatever works for other people is their business, but personally I won't and never have let a guy pay. The way I see it, I expect a man to treat me as an equal, so I need to behave like one by paying my own share - otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage by trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That's just my personal take, though, like I said, I don't think it's "wrong" or anything if other people prefer to do it differently.
And on top of that...I can, and have said the same thing. If a woman is so uptight that she can't accept such a small gift of appreciation for her company, she's surely not going to comprehend all of the other things I do, happily...to show my appreciation.
There isn't anything wrong with someone paying for their own portion. Its not complicated.0 -
bump0
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Actually, I haven't seen any woman say to NEVER let a man pay. I thought I had an understanding but reading more of your post you have proven my point. If a guy is that uptight about a date then who knows what else he'll be uptight about so I see to weed them out
Actually, there's been no small number that have said that. Here's the most recent.I don't know about "should"; whatever works for other people is their business, but personally I won't and never have let a guy pay. The way I see it, I expect a man to treat me as an equal, so I need to behave like one by paying my own share - otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage by trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That's just my personal take, though, like I said, I don't think it's "wrong" or anything if other people prefer to do it differently.
And on top of that...I can, and have said the same thing. If a woman is so uptight that she can't accept such a small gift of appreciation for her company, she's surely not going to comprehend all of the other things I do, happily...to show my appreciation.
There isn't anything wrong with someone paying for their own portion. Its not complicated.
There isn't anything wrong with someone paying both portions. It's not complicated.
Are you seeing a trend here yet?0 -
There isn't anything wrong with someone paying for their own portion. Its not complicated.
Why would you even consider it a date then? To my understanding the person asking the other person out is treating them to a nice time. So the person asking would take care of the planning, which includes the paying if needed and transportation if necessary. If you're just gonna meet up with a person and pretty much keep plans totally separate aren't you more so just hanging out as friends?
There's a difference when a person says "I'd like to take you out to ___" and when you just mutually decided "hey here's a good spot to grab a bite" cause you both just happen to be hungry.0 -
I don't know about "should"; whatever works for other people is their business, but personally I won't and never have let a guy pay. The way I see it, I expect a man to treat me as an equal, so I need to behave like one by paying my own share - otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage by trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That's just my personal take, though, like I said, I don't think it's "wrong" or anything if other people prefer to do it differently.
Ahh, this is where it's going to get interesting, and please don't take this as an attack against you, because it isn't. Your post is simply what brought it to mind.
I was called out directly more than once, citing my behavior in wanting to pay for dates as 'controlling' and based on my 'insecurity' as a man.
Here's the thing...isn't the behavior where you absolutely HAVE to DEMAND equal treatment in EVERY situation...just so it's clear you're an equal...a mask of insecurity as well? Doesn't giving actually prove that you are an equal with far more effect than stomping your foot and demanding to be treated as one? I mean, if I know I'm equal...it hurts me not at all to give...even to give often and deeply. That giving takes NOTHING from who I am, nor our respective equality.
If you know you're an equal...and you ARE an equal...what's the big deal about giving, and in the process, receiving?
I think you may misunderstand me; I don't by any means think that the vast, vast majority of men who offer to pay for a first date are doing so because they're plotting ways to be controlling or they're insecure and compensating for something! In my experience, most are either simply trying to be nice without any ulterior motive, or are doing it because they've been raised with the man paying as the social norm and as a result they feel uncomfortable, as if they are mistreating their date, if they don't pay, which still comes from a place of decency and respect, not anything sordid. I have to say - and I don't mean to offend, so hopefully you won't take it that way - but the people who called you out with those accusations sound paranoid and just plain *****y - it's pretty nuts to me to immediately jump to the conclusion that those must be a guy's motivations in that situation, yikes!
That said, I don't see how a calm, friendly, "Hey, I'd prefer to spilt the bill, cool?" qualifies as stomping one's foot or being unreasonably demanding. Perhaps some women are motivated by insecurity, but I think that's as unfair an assumption to gneralise as jumping to the conclusion that a man who wants to pay is motivated by a desire to control or a need to prove some kind of point. For me personally (as I said, no judgement of how others choose to deal with this), I simply don't feel comfortable having someone else pay my way (and FTR, it's not an issue of gender for me - I have never let any of the women I've dated pay on a first date, either, for the same reason). Now, if I'm dating someone on an ongoing basis, that's a different story - I don't mind if he/she treats sometimes, because then I can reciprocate and treat sometimes as well, and it more or less balances out.0 -
Depends on who asked.0
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chrisanderson
you said:
If you know you're an equal...and you ARE an equal...what's the big deal about giving, and in the process, receiving?
Why wouldn't that work both ways i.e. the woman treating a man to a dinner out?0 -
YES- he should0
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SHOULD he? I don't know if I like the choice of words. It's not a "should" sort of thing. It's nice if he offers, and I would let him, but I'm a grownup with a job. I always take enough money to cover my own and assume it's a possibility.
I've also experienced the guy who thinks that I owe him since he paid, ifyouknowwhatImean, andIthinkyoudo. Not an ideal situation to be in.0 -
yes he should pay
also should pay on every date0 -
Yes! The women should offer to pay and the man should refuse to let her. :happy: That's how it works people.
This!0 -
If a guy is that uptight about a date then who knows what else he'll be uptight about so I see to weed them out
Agreed. I've never actually had anyone object at all to me requesting nicely that we split the bill, so I've never actually had to make that call, but while offering *itself* would never bother me, if they then made a big fuss about it when I politely declined (male or female, doesn't matter to me) and turned it into an Issue of Great Personal Offense, *then* I would definitely take that as a sign that running in the other direction would be wise. But as I said, I've never experienced any problems with it in real life.0 -
My daddy taught me old skool way and said, "If he can't pay he should not be dating!" I expect that he would pay!0
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There is no "should".
Guys - It's just easier if you pay for the first date
If a girl insists on paying twice, let her pay.
Side note: Just make the first meeting (like off an internet dating site) a meet up for coffee at a cafe. Pay for the coffees and keep the meeting short.0 -
Why is this thread still going?
In my world, yeah, the guy pays for the pleasure of my company. I'm not offering anything, no game playing or pretending to pay.0
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