Survey time: Should a guy pay on a first date?

sunnyday789

Wow, so far according to you my husband disrespects me and to what you had just said my relationship isn't a 'real' one since we had split our first date, a relationship that works just fine without that very critical fundamental part since things like caring, loving, respecting and appreciating each other aren't fundamental, nope just that the man had paid the first date is all which matters. I'm just glad the respect in my husband and I's relationship is about the who we are instead of catering to gender roles for show.
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Agree. I've been married for almost 30 years; first date was a split. Over the years sometimes he pays for stuff sometimes I do. We each have different strengths, weaknesses and gifts that we bring to the relationship making it a true partnership. Our repsective masculinity and feminity is not determined by how much we earn or who pays for what.

crisanderson27

Wow, so far according to you my husband disrespects me and to what you had just said my relationship isn't a 'real' one since we had split our first date, a relationship that works just fine without that very critical fundamental part since things like caring, loving, respecting and appreciating each other aren't fundamental, nope just that the man had paid the first date is all which matters. I'm just glad the respect in my husband and I's relationship is about the who we are instead of catering to gender roles for show.

Actually, you've completely ran off and taken what I wrote out of context.

Taking it point by point:

Your husband DOES respect you for who you are...you just clearly don't understand that part of that IS respecting that you're a woman.

Your relationship may very well not be missing anything. Any relationship I had with a woman who had no respect for my belief system, which includes in a very basic sense respecting women by supporting them (even though in essence, we obviously support each other), would be missing something.

You and your husbands relationship can be all about whatever you like it to be...I couldn't honestly care less. If it works for you, I'm happy for you (genuinely). However, when you (specifically) come out, and point out MY belief system as controlling, and that my actions should be used to 'weed out' men like myself...expect a response. If you recall, I never judged you, or your relationship. It was you and the other woman doing the judging from the word go.

So how about you stop picking my posts apart and purposely misunderstanding them?

I didn't purposely misunderstand them. You stated how you weren't saying my husband disrespects but in the same line you stated that you just don't think I see it for what it is so in a way you were stating he does. You saying that is a form of disrespect is no different then me generalizing as the pay thing being controlling since you had generalized.

Ooook.

Lets try this again.

Reread what I wrote. I never said he didn't respect you, as a matter of fact in the initial post I made about your husband I CLEARLY wrote the opposite. I said you very likely don't understand the fact that part of how he respects you for who you are (remember?), is in fact respecting that you are a woman.

Funny that that's the only thing you could grab hold of out of all my responses to your argument.

The thing is you can do something for a man and still allow him to feel like a man. You can make him dinner in future dates. You could plan out dates further down the line etc. Or keep it simple: make him a sandwich and rub his back while he watches the game.

For the most part, I think with guys their options are a little more limited when it comes to showing their appreciation. Men and women just express their feelings differently. To a guy, paying for your dinner and opening the door is how he shows he really cares about you. When someone does something nice for you and you're like "No thanks I got it!" It comes across as more of "No thanks, I don't need you"

If the situation was different. Lets say you made dinner for your guy thinking it would be a sweet gesture but instead he responded to it like "No thanks but I can make my own food" How would you feel?

I would kiss your rosy red little cheeks, if I didn't think I would be allergic to dayglo yellow fur!

PegasusDeb

Yes, I expect the man to pay. If he asked me out. I also expect my man to hold the door open for me. These men seem to be a rare commidity these days though.

Rhea30

Wow, so far according to you my husband disrespects me and to what you had just said my relationship isn't a 'real' one since we had split our first date, a relationship that works just fine without that very critical fundamental part since things like caring, loving, respecting and appreciating each other aren't fundamental, nope just that the man had paid the first date is all which matters. I'm just glad the respect in my husband and I's relationship is about the who we are instead of catering to gender roles for show.

Actually, you've completely ran off and taken what I wrote out of context.

Taking it point by point:

Your husband DOES respect you for who you are...you just clearly don't understand that part of that IS respecting that you're a woman.

Your relationship may very well not be missing anything. Any relationship I had with a woman who had no respect for my belief system, which includes in a very basic sense respecting women by supporting them (even though in essence, we obviously support each other), would be missing something.

You and your husbands relationship can be all about whatever you like it to be...I couldn't honestly care less. If it works for you, I'm happy for you (genuinely). However, when you (specifically) come out, and point out MY belief system as controlling, and that my actions should be used to 'weed out' men like myself...expect a response. If you recall, I never judged you, or your relationship. It was you and the other woman doing the judging from the word go.

So how about you stop picking my posts apart and purposely misunderstanding them?

I didn't purposely misunderstand them. You stated how you weren't saying my husband disrespects but in the same line you stated that you just don't think I see it for what it is so in a way you were stating he does. You saying that is a form of disrespect is no different then me generalizing as the pay thing being controlling since you had generalized.

Ooook.

Lets try this again.

Reread what I wrote. I never said he didn't respect you, as a matter of fact in the initial post I made about your husband I CLEARLY wrote the opposite. I said you very likely don't understand the fact that part of how he respects you for who you are (remember?), is in fact respecting that you are a woman.

Funny that that's the only thing you could grab hold of out of all my responses to your argument.

The thing is you can do something for a man and still allow him to feel like a man. You can make him dinner in future dates. You could plan out dates further down the line etc. Or keep it simple: make him a sandwich and rub his back while he watches the game.

For the most part, I think with guys their options are a little more limited when it comes to showing their appreciation. Men and women just express their feelings differently. To a guy, paying for your dinner and opening the door is how he shows he really cares about you. When someone does something nice for you and you're like "No thanks I got it!" It comes across as more of "No thanks, I don't need you"

If the situation was different. Lets say you made dinner for your guy thinking it would be a sweet gesture but instead he responded to it like "No thanks but I can make my own food" How would you feel?

I would kiss your rosy red little cheeks, if I didn't think I would be allergic to dayglo yellow fur!

This is what you had wrote and reread it

"The fact remains that part of who you are, is a woman. If he doesn't respect that part as well...then he doesn't respect you (understand, I'm not saying he doesn't, I'm saying you likely don't see it for what it is)."

It looks like a polite way of trying to say he does disrespect me but without trying to be forward and just say it and as I stated before I did get alot of your prior posts but I don't see how this is any different on you calling me out about generalizing 'controlling' if you are doing the same with disrespect. If that's not what you meant fine but how you first wrote it it is not very clear.

sunnyday789

Actually, you've completely ran off and taken what I wrote out of context.

Taking it point by point:

If you recall, I never judged you, or your relationship. It was you and the other woman doing the judging from the word go.

So how about you stop picking my posts apart and purposely misunderstanding them?

But you called me irrational....isn't that judging me?

crisanderson27

Actually, you've completely ran off and taken what I wrote out of context.

Taking it point by point:

If you recall, I never judged you, or your relationship. It was you and the other woman doing the judging from the word go.

So how about you stop picking my posts apart and purposely misunderstanding them?

But you called me irrational....isn't that judging me?

Bravo! Excellent, on topic response!

First, what you wrote, if not irrational...was certainly a huge stretch.

Second, I...and those who believe as I do (that men should pay for the first date at minimum) were clearly judged first.

Would you like to comment on topic? Or have you run out of pertinent arguments that prove somehow that me paying for dates is controlling?

kadins_momma07

I didn't read the first 20 pages (sorry).

IMHO it depends on who's asking, the person asking should pay. What if the girl asks the guy to go to Ruth Chris' (a really nice steakhouse), but her date just paid rent and bills and doesn't have money until next payday? She should pay, not fair if he could only afford to take her to Olive Garden or something like that.

I've always offered to pay.

I have to agree with you...it depends on who's asking. If I was the person asking someone on a date I wouldn't expect them to pay, I ASKED THEM. Although, it is nice and gentleman-like for the man to pay, they shouldn't have to all the time...especially if you're in a long-term relationship.

victoria4321

Yes, I expect the man to pay. If he asked me out. I also expect my man to hold the door open for me. These men seem to be a rare commidity these days though.

Its rare because those guys keep getting shut down by all the women who feel they need to prove how independent they are. Everyone gets it: a women can get a job and be independent. I have a good job and I'm independent but that doesn't mean that I'll be rude and shut down every guy who wants to pay for dates, hold doors open, order for me and pull out my chair.

I think some women just have hang ups for whatever reason. Maybe they had issues growing up or something, who knows. Whether it be from a man or whatever, when someone does something nice for you its only polite to allow them to do it. If a man offers to pay for you, then let him pay. It's not a control thing, he's just trying to be nice.

I'm so glad I'm not a man lol. You guys try to be nice to a girl and she just calls you a psycho control freak. Crazy.

BAMFMeredith

Yes, I expect the man to pay. If he asked me out. I also expect my man to hold the door open for me. These men seem to be a rare commidity these days though.

Its rare because those guys keep getting shut down by all the women who feel they need to prove how independent they are. Everyone gets it: a women can get a job and be independent. I have a good job and I'm independent but that doesn't mean that I'll be rude and shut down every guy who wants to pay for dates, hold doors open, order for me and pull out my chair.

I think some women just have hang ups for whatever reason. Maybe they had issues growing up or something, who knows. Whether it be from a man or whatever, when someone does something nice for you its only polite to allow them to do it. If a man offers to pay for you, then let him pay. It's not a control thing, he's just trying to be nice.

I'm so glad I'm not a man lol. You guys try to be nice to a girl and she just calls you a psycho control freak. Crazy.

Wait, didn't you just say earlier that you turn down guys for dates all the time? Aren't they just trying to be nice too?

AmberJslimsAWAY

UMMMM... YES! And if he doesn't walk out and stick him with the bill anyway. And even before you get to the restaurant, the man should be opening car and restaurant doors for you, pullin' out your chair, etc. If he isn't, he is not the kind of man you want anyway! Some guys these days have no idea what it means to be a gentleman and too many women are letting them get away with it. Women: expect your man to be a gentleman, and if he isn't right now, HE CAN BE TAUGHT!

Taught?? Seriously?? You are why guys think all girl are crazy bitches...

victoria4321

Yes, I expect the man to pay. If he asked me out. I also expect my man to hold the door open for me. These men seem to be a rare commidity these days though.

Its rare because those guys keep getting shut down by all the women who feel they need to prove how independent they are. Everyone gets it: a women can get a job and be independent. I have a good job and I'm independent but that doesn't mean that I'll be rude and shut down every guy who wants to pay for dates, hold doors open, order for me and pull out my chair.

I think some women just have hang ups for whatever reason. Maybe they had issues growing up or something, who knows. Whether it be from a man or whatever, when someone does something nice for you its only polite to allow them to do it. If a man offers to pay for you, then let him pay. It's not a control thing, he's just trying to be nice.

I'm so glad I'm not a man lol. You guys try to be nice to a girl and she just calls you a psycho control freak. Crazy.

Wait, didn't you just say earlier that you turn down guys for dates all the time? Aren't they just trying to be nice too?

I'm turning them down because I'm being nice. If I'm not interested and there is no chemistry I'm not going to lead him on a be a mooch.

Linda_Darlene

Did he ask you out? Then hell yes!

crisanderson27

Yes, I expect the man to pay. If he asked me out. I also expect my man to hold the door open for me. These men seem to be a rare commidity these days though.

Its rare because those guys keep getting shut down by all the women who feel they need to prove how independent they are. Everyone gets it: a women can get a job and be independent. I have a good job and I'm independent but that doesn't mean that I'll be rude and shut down every guy who wants to pay for dates, hold doors open, order for me and pull out my chair.

I think some women just have hang ups for whatever reason. Maybe they had issues growing up or something, who knows. Whether it be from a man or whatever, when someone does something nice for you its only polite to allow them to do it. If a man offers to pay for you, then let him pay. It's not a control thing, he's just trying to be nice.

I'm so glad I'm not a man lol. You guys try to be nice to a girl and she just calls you a psycho control freak. Crazy.

I'm starting to not care about the yellow fur...lol.

tovars10

not sure! Really i think pay half and half, but I don't know if a guy would dig that lol... would they?

Teazybabee

Absolutely! Often I may offer to get the tip, but the "dutch" thing is a no go for me. Unless I am going with one of my friends who just happen to be male.

BAMFMeredith

UMMMM... YES! And if he doesn't walk out and stick him with the bill anyway. And even before you get to the restaurant, the man should be opening car and restaurant doors for you, pullin' out your chair, etc. If he isn't, he is not the kind of man you want anyway! Some guys these days have no idea what it means to be a gentleman and too many women are letting them get away with it. Women: expect your man to be a gentleman, and if he isn't right now, HE CAN BE TAUGHT!

Taught?? Seriously?? You are why guys think all girl are crazy bitches...

THANK YOU! I'm not a man or anything, but I don't think a man would appreciate basically being put on the same level as children or pets who can be "taught" or "trained."

kadins_momma07

UMMMM... YES! And if he doesn't walk out and stick him with the bill anyway. And even before you get to the restaurant, the man should be opening car and restaurant doors for you, pullin' out your chair, etc. If he isn't, he is not the kind of man you want anyway! Some guys these days have no idea what it means to be a gentleman and too many women are letting them get away with it. Women: expect your man to be a gentleman, and if he isn't right now, HE CAN BE TAUGHT!

Taught?? Seriously?? You are why guys think all girl are crazy bitches...

I know right. I personally don't want my husband underneath me ALL the time...I'm a big girl, I can open my own doors and pull my own seat out...that stuff is nice and all..but not EVERYTIME we go somewhere. It's not good to be so uptight al lthe time....relax girl, men aren't your slaves!

jplog

Hello all,
I havent read all of the comments in depth so apologise if I am repeating anyone but I believe this question is all about self worth!

Women do not value themselves enough in this day and age and if you are taken out for dinner think back 50/60 yrs and act how those ladies would act. Graciously accept to be taken out and paid for..................you are worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Believe it!!!!!! Trust yourself girls and do not even take out any money, imagine how much the man offering thinks that you are worth then! Not in a big headed way, of course! Any man will tell you he wants to treat a woman, make her feel good and special. If all fails he can always wash up

BAMFMeredith

Yes, I expect the man to pay. If he asked me out. I also expect my man to hold the door open for me. These men seem to be a rare commidity these days though.

Its rare because those guys keep getting shut down by all the women who feel they need to prove how independent they are. Everyone gets it: a women can get a job and be independent. I have a good job and I'm independent but that doesn't mean that I'll be rude and shut down every guy who wants to pay for dates, hold doors open, order for me and pull out my chair.

I think some women just have hang ups for whatever reason. Maybe they had issues growing up or something, who knows. Whether it be from a man or whatever, when someone does something nice for you its only polite to allow them to do it. If a man offers to pay for you, then let him pay. It's not a control thing, he's just trying to be nice.

I'm so glad I'm not a man lol. You guys try to be nice to a girl and she just calls you a psycho control freak. Crazy.

Wait, didn't you just say earlier that you turn down guys for dates all the time? Aren't they just trying to be nice too?

I'm turning them down because I'm being nice. If I'm not interested and there is no chemistry I'm not going to lead him on a be a mooch.

Fair enough, I can at least appreciate that you're not just in it for the free meals (I actually knew a girl who did that all the time when she was a broke college student, I thought it was disgusting).

All in all, I stand by my original point: whoever does the inviting should pay. I think it's rude to invite somebody out to a place of your choosing, and then expect them to pay for it.

crisanderson27

UMMMM... YES! And if he doesn't walk out and stick him with the bill anyway. And even before you get to the restaurant, the man should be opening car and restaurant doors for you, pullin' out your chair, etc. If he isn't, he is not the kind of man you want anyway! Some guys these days have no idea what it means to be a gentleman and too many women are letting them get away with it. Women: expect your man to be a gentleman, and if he isn't right now, HE CAN BE TAUGHT!

Taught?? Seriously?? You are why guys think all girl are crazy bitches...

THANK YOU! I'm not a man or anything, but I don't think a man would appreciate basically being put on the same level as children or pets who can be "taught" or "trained."

Actually, most of us just think it's cute. Men in general don't become offended by gender stereotypes. I don't scratch myself in public, nor pass gas in a crowded restaurant just to see everyones reactions...but my little brother does, and so I know there's a basis for those stereotypes.

I'm not sure why such a large sector of the female population do. Actually, I should correct that. I'm not sure why the small sector of the female population that DOES get offended by it, has to have such a big mouth about it.