Survey time: Should a guy pay on a first date?

chatnel

wow this question got alot of replies.

Update: he text me Wednesday hinting about doing something on the weekend, I would like to let him know that I was not happy about paying but how to word it.......

PJilly

On my first date with my husband (in 1989), he forgot his wallet, so I had to pay. He was mortified! I am so glad I didn't let a little thing like that keep us from our second date.

george29223

i dunno but every time i pull up in my car at the corner and ask for a date i gotta pay up front

Devin182

Holding the door open: Simply being polite (I do this for everyone)
Walking on the car side: My step dad explained it as, "If a car is going to swerve off the road onto the side-walk, the woman will have a better chance because it'll hit him first." It seemed kind of romantic to me, he's standing in her line of fire.
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i think its funny when guys try to walk on the outside or car side... i never really understood why they did that. In my opinion guys should walk on the inside especially if there are a lot of doors or alleys and the like so as to prevent the girl from being attacked or abducted by whoever is lurking in the shadows. lol (kinda weird I know, I prob watch to many Law & Order type shows)

christine24t

wow this question got alot of replies.

Update: he text me Wednesday hinting about doing something on the weekend, I would like to let him know that I was not happy about paying but how to word it.......

I would not give him a second chance. Not because he didn't pay, but because you ended up paying for 2/3 of the bill (seems random to me). It's one thing to split it but another to make you pay 2/3 of the bill?

Susabelle64

wow this question got alot of replies.

Update: he text me Wednesday hinting about doing something on the weekend, I would like to let him know that I was not happy about paying but how to word it.......

Sorry, I've made other plans.

Rhea30

wow this question got alot of replies.

Update: he text me Wednesday hinting about doing something on the weekend, I would like to let him know that I was not happy about paying but how to word it.......

Was your portion 50 dollars worth? If not just let him know you're not interested, or if its he didn't pay all then same thing just let him know you're not interested.

chatnel

but i think I should let him know for the next time he takes someone out...............

victoria4321

wow this question got alot of replies.

Update: he text me Wednesday hinting about doing something on the weekend, I would like to let him know that I was not happy about paying but how to word it.......

Sorry, I've made other plans.

Nope just don't even respond to him. He'll get the point.

but i think I should let him know for the next time he takes someone out...............

You don't owe him anything for someone else.

Susabelle64

I've always been pretty independent, I can pay my own bills, mow my own yard, etc etc etc.... But I was raised by a man with very traditional values. He treated my mother with both respect and spoiled her rotten. My father would walk through fire for my mother, absolutely adores her to this day and he is now 78 and she is 75, but he would not let her pay for dinner out. My father was a man that took care of his family in a very traditional sense, yet raised 4 girls to stand on their own two feet and be dependent on no one. My husband is a traditionalist, he always picked up the tab when we were dating (still does actually), even though I made more than he did, considerably more at the time. But it was important to him to show me he could take care of me, treat me well and provide for me, even though he knew darn well I could do it myself. I humored him at first and just found other ways to spoil him back. A special dinner in, a gift for no reason, little notes in his lunch. I appreciate his gentlemanly ways, his traditional values, and honestly the fact that he wants to make sure I want for nothing is touching even after all these years. I forget from time to time, I will buy something for myself that he wanted to get me, I have to be careful what I admire because he will make every effort to get it for me. This is him caring for me, showing me that he values me above all else. This does not mean that he controls me, the thought of that is as laughable as my dad thinking he controls my mother, we all knew who ran that house and who was the real boss. If we upset Mom, we were in for a thrashing.......just the way it was.

tom1834

Most classy women offer, I usually tell her i've got it and pay anyway. Really i just want to see if she'll offer, if she doesn't offer it's a red flag for me.

Laurej

i dunno but every time i pull up in my car at the corner and ask for a date i gotta pay up front

:laugh: oh dear lord too funny! thx 4 the smiles

Susabelle64

wow this question got alot of replies.

Update: he text me Wednesday hinting about doing something on the weekend, I would like to let him know that I was not happy about paying but how to word it.......

Sorry, I've made other plans.

Nope just don't even respond to him. He'll get the point.

but i think I should let him know for the next time he takes someone out...............

You don't owe him anything for someone else.

this...not your job to train him

Laurej

Most classy women offer, I usually tell her i've got it and pay anyway. Really i just want to see if she'll offer, if she doesn't offer it's a red flag for me.

and this!!! all women should offer, or at least say please next time let me treat

christine24t

but i think I should let him know for the next time he takes someone out...............

I think it would be more awkward than it's worth.

Nataliaho

I think that what all these post show is that a woman wants a man to treat her with love and respect and that a good man wants to do the same. The *way* a man does that is totally unique to the relationship at hand. I love my husband for a great many reasons, but one of them is that he is 100% comfortable with me being me. I am loud, opinionated, intelligent, successful and a terrible housewife. None of those things threaten his manhood because he is also opinionated, intelligent and successful... he is also big and strong and drinks scotch on the rocks and loves boxing and all those "manly" things... He shows me respect by treating me as an intellectual equal, by asking my opinion on everything because he values it. He shows me respect by honoring my wishes about things I really care about when he is indifferent and I do the same for him. At the end of the day all these things door holding and bill paying are irrelevant details, its the motivation that matters... If the actions are motivated by love and respect then they are wonderful things... if they're motivated by ego or control or manipulation then they're just not.

Susabelle64

I think that what all these post show is that a woman wants a man to treat her with love and respect and that a good man wants to do the same. The *way* a man does that is totally unique to the relationship at hand. I love my husband for a great many reasons, but one of them is that he is 100% comfortable with me being me. I am loud, opinionated, intelligent, successful and a terrible housewife. None of those things threaten his manhood because he is also opinionated, intelligent and successful... he is also big and strong and drinks scotch on the rocks and loves boxing and all those "manly" things... He shows me respect by treating me as an intellectual equal, by asking my opinion on everything because he values it. He shows me respect by honoring my wishes about things I really care about when he is indifferent and I do the same for him. At the end of the day all these things door holding and bill paying are irrelevant details, its the motivation that matters... If the actions are motivated by love and respect then they are wonderful things... if they're motivated by ego or control or manipulation then they're just not.

well said

sunnyday789

I think that what all these post show is that a woman wants a man to treat her with love and respect and that a good man wants to do the same. The *way* a man does that is totally unique to the relationship at hand. I love my husband for a great many reasons, but one of them is that he is 100% comfortable with me being me. I am loud, opinionated, intelligent, successful and a terrible housewife. None of those things threaten his manhood because he is also opinionated, intelligent and successful... he is also big and strong and drinks scotch on the rocks and loves boxing and all those "manly" things... He shows me respect by treating me as an intellectual equal, by asking my opinion on everything because he values it. He shows me respect by honoring my wishes about things I really care about when he is indifferent and I do the same for him. At the end of the day all these things door holding and bill paying are irrelevant details, its the motivation that matters... If the actions are motivated by love and respect then they are wonderful things... if they're motivated by ego or control or manipulation then they're just not.

this

gomisskellygo

I pay.

Why, because no matter what society says about equal this or any other crap. I am a man. I do not need your permission to be a man. I will not have you dictate to me how to be a man. If you do not wish a second date, that is fine. The first date is to see if we both qualify for a second date.

Now, if we have been together for a long time, and we go out and you wish to pay.......
I will still pay. Because I am a man. I do not need your permission to be a man. etc.

Amen!!

You and I would get along very well lol. Unfortunately though, with the direction this thread has turned (and no one's going to go back and read 20 pages of it.../sigh!), we're going to start hearing big words like 'misogynistic', 'cis-normative', and 'patriarchal' to describe responses like that.

Maybe the best response is just to stand there and repeat:

I am a man. I do not need your permission to be a man. I will not have you dictate to me how to be a man.

Lol.

Correct... I did not read the last 20 pages, but after reading these two responses... I don't have to! You guys are SPOT ON! Cheers to all the real men out there! Enough said!

Agree!!

oberon0124

I am old school. The lady never pays. Call me what you want but I do not want the woman to pay for hers or mine or any of it. Old school all the way !

davidlbass

Old school here. The guy should always pay on a date and should hold the door for his date and any other female entering at the same time.

rahrahrita

Whoever asked the other person out should pay... but I wouldn't ask a guy out, so yeah I think the guy should pay

mcleodconnor

If this was an accurate representation of society it doesn't make it right. (not sure if I consider an MFP forum to be an accurate representation of society)
A hundred years ago, most societies didn't allow women to vote; does that mean we shoud have continued that policy/law?

I was wondering when (not if) it was going to get to this. Somehow men being men and doing men things to appreciate women, always gets turned into some equal rights ridiculousness that is completely unrelated.

I think it was you who brought up the suggestion that societal norms are the right way to do things? I was just responding to that notion.

I did, however...there's a bit of a difference...as anyone with a brain well knows...between paying for a date, which is doing something small FOR someone, and suppressing the rights of a whole section of our society.

I mean...if you see those two things as anywhere near comparable...I'll just stop responding to you now, because any further rational conversation will be made absolutely pointless, considering only one of us is rational.

They are comparable just on different scales, which doesn't make it irrelevant or irrational

Why can't a woman do something small for a man, like pay for dinner? Oops, forgot you're not respnding to me anymore

Damn. That last line was the kicker. She got you good this time.

dbaerg

Whoever invites the other person to dinner should expect to pay. Given that, if a man asks a women to dinner, he should pay. If the women had an enjoyable time, she should offer to return the favor, but it doesn't have to be of equal value (ex: she can offer to buy the movie tickets or cook dinner).:flowerforyou:

Rhea30

I think that what all these post show is that a woman wants a man to treat her with love and respect and that a good man wants to do the same. The *way* a man does that is totally unique to the relationship at hand. I love my husband for a great many reasons, but one of them is that he is 100% comfortable with me being me. I am loud, opinionated, intelligent, successful and a terrible housewife. None of those things threaten his manhood because he is also opinionated, intelligent and successful... he is also big and strong and drinks scotch on the rocks and loves boxing and all those "manly" things... He shows me respect by treating me as an intellectual equal, by asking my opinion on everything because he values it. He shows me respect by honoring my wishes about things I really care about when he is indifferent and I do the same for him. At the end of the day all these things door holding and bill paying are irrelevant details, its the motivation that matters... If the actions are motivated by love and respect then they are wonderful things... if they're motivated by ego or control or manipulation then they're just not.

Wow, I really like how you stated this and I agree 100 percent.

joelthecannon

I feel a man should pay overall. However, that also depends on the wants and needs of both parties.

kiminikimkim

Oh gosh, I think I am doing this wrong.

I offered to pay the first time and I have been paying for every restaurant outing since then. Except on Valentines and my birthday.

crisanderson27

If this was an accurate representation of society it doesn't make it right. (not sure if I consider an MFP forum to be an accurate representation of society)
A hundred years ago, most societies didn't allow women to vote; does that mean we shoud have continued that policy/law?

I was wondering when (not if) it was going to get to this. Somehow men being men and doing men things to appreciate women, always gets turned into some equal rights ridiculousness that is completely unrelated.

I think it was you who brought up the suggestion that societal norms are the right way to do things? I was just responding to that notion.

I did, however...there's a bit of a difference...as anyone with a brain well knows...between paying for a date, which is doing something small FOR someone, and suppressing the rights of a whole section of our society.

I mean...if you see those two things as anywhere near comparable...I'll just stop responding to you now, because any further rational conversation will be made absolutely pointless, considering only one of us is rational.

They are comparable just on different scales, which doesn't make it irrelevant or irrational

Why can't a woman do something small for a man, like pay for dinner? Oops, forgot you're not respnding to me anymore

Damn. That last line was the kicker. She got you good this time.

Did she? That's funny, because I answered very bluntly in my next post.

Guess you missed that.

I think that what all these post show is that a woman wants a man to treat her with love and respect and that a good man wants to do the same. The *way* a man does that is totally unique to the relationship at hand. I love my husband for a great many reasons, but one of them is that he is 100% comfortable with me being me. I am loud, opinionated, intelligent, successful and a terrible housewife. None of those things threaten his manhood because he is also opinionated, intelligent and successful... he is also big and strong and drinks scotch on the rocks and loves boxing and all those "manly" things... He shows me respect by treating me as an intellectual equal, by asking my opinion on everything because he values it. He shows me respect by honoring my wishes about things I really care about when he is indifferent and I do the same for him. At the end of the day all these things door holding and bill paying are irrelevant details, its the motivation that matters... If the actions are motivated by love and respect then they are wonderful things... if they're motivated by ego or control or manipulation then they're just not.

Wow, I really like how you stated this and I agree 100 percent.

So do I...it's how I've felt the whole time, she just said it very, very well...without the necessity of having to defend her stance on specific points as I had to. In my actual relationships (as I described however many pages ago)...this is invariably how things work.

crisanderson27

I'd still very much like to know what cultures it is that you believe had such a profound impact on our inter-gender relations though.

That we of course then forgot completely about.

chatnel

argghhh!!!! what is with me?

Another first date. Drinks and movies. He got the drinks $17 (total) and then said I can get the movie, um the movie was like $30. Where are all the gentlemen?