Who initiates in your house??

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Replies

  • plantgrrl
    plantgrrl Posts: 436 Member
    You poor thing. This is totally how I would feel if my husband stopped having sex with me--word for word. I don't know if I could stay if their was *no* sexual contact. :( I'm so sorry. Yes, it''s fine for you to want it. There's nothing wrong with you.
  • BlueInkDot
    BlueInkDot Posts: 702 Member
    Get dressed up--if that's your thing. Shave your legs, make yourself feel like your sexy somehow, do something fun together like you used to do. Watch a movie and start making out on the couch like teenagers. Think about all the things you love about your husband and what's sexy about him. ... Maybe go to a sex toy/lover's package type shop with your husband, it could get you talking about what you'd like to try in bed or what you want from each other. They say 80% of women DON'T orgasm from sex alone...maybe there should be a little more 3rd base foreplay?
    I've tried some of these things, but I will write them all down and put more effort into it... *schemeschemescheme*
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
    Wow. Just having someone acknowledge that is making me want to cry. Thanks for the validation. This whole thread, actually, has really helped me to see that it's ok for me to want sex and that I shouldn't have to feel ashamed all the time.

    Oh honey, I just wanna give you a big ole hug. Of course it's ok for you to want sex! It's a perfectly natural desire. Has your husband talked to a doctor to see if there's some sort of hormonal issue going on that's killing his sex drive? Maybe the two of you could go to counseling together, so that your husband can understand better how important intimacy is to a relationship.

    There is NOTHING wrong with you. You're a young, beautiful, healthy woman with healthy wants, needs and desires.

    Thanks for the hugs! I'm hoping me finding a therapist to talk to will be the catalyst to couples counseling. Just want to get my thoughts and feelings in order first.

    Any time :) That's probably a good idea, to help you get centered before going together. I really, truly hope things work out for you and your husband, and that you can get what you need out of your marriage.
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,237 Member
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.
  • MayMaydoesntrun
    MayMaydoesntrun Posts: 805 Member
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.

    No doubt!! :wink:
  • chantalb20
    chantalb20 Posts: 132
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.

    it didn't work for me :|
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,237 Member
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.

    it didn't work for me :|

    If at first you don't succeed...try try try again....all night long.
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
    it didn't work for me :|

    nor me
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
    This thread alone probably got a dozen people laid last night. Win.

    Two nights in a row for him. He's in a great mood.
    Thanks for helping me to see.
  • robbiemac00
    robbiemac00 Posts: 8 Member
    Me and my wife both worked on this problem. It takes time and for both parties to realize that the other might have something else on there mind. I wouldn't worry to much but sit down with him and talk about what has been going on lately and see where that leaves you.
  • bigswedeman
    bigswedeman Posts: 139 Member
    My ex-gf used to... but apparently it was usually with another guy. :S
  • Loraah
    Loraah Posts: 111 Member
    I have no one to initiate with. Sad for me

    When I was with my ex I was usually the initiator, he was busy initiating with other girls
  • iam_thatdude
    iam_thatdude Posts: 1,266 Member
    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

    I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?

    Sounds like my life....except for 4,5 times a week....if I dont initiate its once a month and now my pride stops me from initiating....u better step up woman...I can tell u as a guy it tears ur guts out
  • ThePhoenixRose
    ThePhoenixRose Posts: 1,978 Member
    In my house, it's me. And i get turned down 9 times out of 10. and yes, it sucks. bad. i once decided maybe he turns me down all the time cause he wants the "chase" part of it. so, i stopped asking. thought i'd let him come to me when he wanted it, make him feel like he did it. yeah, 3 months later i broke down CRYING and absolutely begging for him to do me. it was not my finest hour. we've been together 9 years, and i'm not sure how much longer i can go like this. it is a legit reason to leave if you don't feel loved/wanted/sexy, etc...
  • hennyben
    hennyben Posts: 313 Member
    In my house, it's me. And i get turned down 9 times out of 10. and yes, it sucks. bad. i once decided maybe he turns me down all the time cause he wants the "chase" part of it. so, i stopped asking. thought i'd let him come to me when he wanted it, make him feel like he did it. yeah, 3 months later i broke down CRYING and absolutely begging for him to do me. it was not my finest hour. we've been together 9 years, and i'm not sure how much longer i can go like this. it is a legit reason to leave if you don't feel loved/wanted/sexy, etc...

    Is he blind??
  • OLFATUG
    OLFATUG Posts: 393 Member
    Raises hand in utter confusion... what is this sex thing you are talking about?
  • Newhampshireboy
    Newhampshireboy Posts: 30
    im lucky for once a week with our work schedules :cry:
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    Sometimes my hand even turns me down. It's not a good situation.
  • reyopo
    reyopo Posts: 210 Member
    I used to initiate most of the time but I got tired of being rejected.
    Now I let him initiate.
    I don't get it as much as I would like (even though he says he thinks we have way more sex than the average couple).
    If it were up to me I'd want to do it every night! :P

    The rejection does hurt, it feels horrible to get turned down.
    So it's not the fact that I'm the one having to ask...it's the rejection.

    For you two, however...
    Maybe the problem is not so much him being the initiator but perhaps there's a lack of enthusiasm on your part?
    Maybe he feels like you just don't enjoy it anymore?
    I can see how that might be hurtful for him.

    What if you tried initiating?
    Try it and see how it makes you feel... I would be willing to bet that it will make you feel sexy and powerful.
    Catch him by surprise and I think it will do wonders for both of you.

    Exactly! This is the same as my situation, and the same advice I would give. Frequency is not your problem, obviously, 4-5 times a week is amazing for a 16 year relationship! But as the more frequent initiator, I know that just your partners consent every time can't satisfy a persons need to FEEL sexy and desired, that's completely different... and who wants to feel like their partner is just going through the motions? In that case he might as well be one of the "my hand" guys. But it does sound like he is obsessing over it it a bit much. Maybe if he'd relax and wait for you to initiate (and you better do it!) you could both get what you need. And while your at it, flirt with him sometimes, tell him he's hot even when you're not in bed (or going to be)...I'm guessing that would make almost as much difference...it would for me, anyhow! Good luck!
  • LemonBurns
    LemonBurns Posts: 538 Member
    Normally my husband usually. I'll try to send signals, but when it really comes down to it, he does more than I do. I think mostly because I'm not really sure HOW. Sounds sad, doesn't it? But he's the only one I've been with and didn't really have a whole lot of experience in that area when we got together (12 yrs ago). Trying to get better at it though...

    Not sure how? Men are SooOOOoooo easy... Walk over to hubby, grab his *kitten* and say: "I want you... upstairs... now!" - and then try to keep up and he's running up the stairs!
  • htmlgirl
    htmlgirl Posts: 314 Member
    I feel so lonely and depressed with my marriage. We pretty much have no sex life, never had much of one unless I was the one who initiated it. The only time he ever initiated was right after we had a talk about it. I kind of feel like I am wasting my time with him. I want someone who will be attracted to me sexually and show interest in me. If he's not going to give me that, what's the point in being there with him, especially when I could be working on my career and finding someone who can give me what I want and need.

    It makes me feel like crap about myself. I feel like he isn't attracted to me and that's probably why I wanted to lose weight to begin with (I was of normal weight before I lost more). I don't really know how to fix this or if it can be fixed. We talk about it all the time and nothing really changes.

    I love him, don't get me wrong, but this has taken such a toll on my self-esteem :(
  • Skeena4
    Skeena4 Posts: 209 Member
    I feel so lonely and depressed with my marriage. We pretty much have no sex life, never had much of one unless I was the one who initiated it. The only time he ever initiated was right after we had a talk about it. I kind of feel like I am wasting my time with him. I want someone who will be attracted to me sexually and show interest in me. If he's not going to give me that, what's the point in being there with him, especially when I could be working on my career and finding someone who can give me what I want and need.

    It makes me feel like crap about myself. I feel like he isn't attracted to me and that's probably why I wanted to lose weight to begin with (I was of normal weight before I lost more). I don't really know how to fix this or if it can be fixed. We talk about it all the time and nothing really changes.

    I love him, don't get me wrong, but this has taken such a toll on my self-esteem :(

    PRINT THIS OUT AND SHOW IT TO HIM. Have you ever really spelled it out to him in this way? Boys are dumb sometimes you know... all the signals and hints in the world won't get through to someone that just needs it simply stated. Having said all that, there are a million other reasons why you guys probably got married other than sex right? So... that might not be the deal breaker you think it is if you can work on that part of your life together.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

    I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
    Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

    I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.

    With all due respect, unless you're in his position, it's unfair to claim he's being "overly sensitive". As many people here have attested to, even if you're not getting turned down, being the one to always initiate can take an emotional toll on a marriage.
  • kristalfrissy
    kristalfrissy Posts: 158 Member
    Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

    I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.

    With all due respect, unless you're in his position, it's unfair to claim he's being "overly sensitive". As many people here have attested to, even if you're not getting turned down, being the one to always initiate can take an emotional toll on a marriage.


    I felt the same--that he needed to appreciate what he did have or that he was being dramatic but after reading everyones experiences and REALLY talking to him alot about this over the last couple of days--I have changed my view and understand where he is coming from. I am really really trying to keep in mind his needs not just my own. He said that having sex less often would be preferable to him over being the intiator 100% of the time. I was surprised to hear that. But after 16 years I guess I still have some things to learn. lol
  • Tamaralea88
    Tamaralea88 Posts: 97 Member
    We both do...I am very fond of it so...yeahhhh lol
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
    Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

    I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.

    With all due respect, unless you're in his position, it's unfair to claim he's being "overly sensitive". As many people here have attested to, even if you're not getting turned down, being the one to always initiate can take an emotional toll on a marriage.


    I felt the same--that he needed to appreciate what he did have or that he was being dramatic but after reading everyones experiences and REALLY talking to him alot about this over the last couple of days--I have changed my view and understand where he is coming from. I am really really trying to keep in mind his needs not just my own. He said that having sex less often would be preferable to him over being the intiator 100% of the time. I was surprised to hear that. But after 16 years I guess I still have some things to learn. lol

    I'm so glad you guys have been talking and that you're trying so hard to understand his POV! :flowerforyou:
  • spinqueen72
    spinqueen72 Posts: 406 Member
    My husband always wants to get it...but I have no desire for sex anymore. I could care less about it. I've been married for 17 years..and I love my husband too...but the stress is high in our house, due to the economy putting strain on our finances.
    Sex is more like a chore for me lately. I know that sounds bad...but I have so much more to worry about than that. The last time we did...I could hardly wait for it to be over..so i could go to sleep. The stress is exhausting me. I feel like a bad wife...but sometimes..I just don't care!
    Also...my husband used to complain that I never initiated...and the one time I did...he was too busy reading a motorcycle magazine. He pretty much got irritated that I was bothering him...so I NEVER tried again. Maybe that's why I'm not turned on anymore! Yes...I'm a horrible person.
  • bigdogc23
    bigdogc23 Posts: 66
    Man I can't belive this thread is still alive..... Man this is a touchy subject... Its a good read though and some of you are very funny hahha....
  • Microfiber_wechange
    Microfiber_wechange Posts: 640
    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.


    Blimey!! I haven't read any of the replies but this could have been written by me (I shall read everyone's comments later and learn). My hubby is also getting quite icky about it. He says if he doesn't make the first move, I never do :laugh: :laugh:

    TBH with you, after 5 kids, I'll take sleep over sex anytime :laugh:

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